


My Heart for a Song

by fireroasted



Category: Runaways (Comics), Runaways (TV 2017)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bar/Pub, Angst, Drama, F/F, Fluff, Friendship is beautiful, Love and healing, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:47:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 88,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21643915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fireroasted/pseuds/fireroasted
Summary: It's been two years since Nico's life was turned upside down. She is content with the mess her life has become, is content with the notion that it might never get better.Until she meets a beautiful bartender and hears her sing.
Relationships: Karolina Dean/Nico Minoru
Comments: 67
Kudos: 460





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This story is about love and being better people for yourself and your loved ones. As such, there has to be a bit of darkness before the rainbow. 
> 
> There are themes of alcoholism and homophobia. 
> 
> There are also themes of self-love and support.
> 
> Finally, this story is set in our modern world where dinosaurs don’t roam and aliens don’t flake, but the feelings, emotions, and the growth of characters and relationships are as close to canon compliant as it could be. Where Marvel dared not go, I dug deep to find the pieces I wanted for myself, and now I share these pieces with you. 
> 
> There will eventually be love, and there will eventually be sex. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Nico Minoru was about four seconds away from murdering her best friend.

At least, she would be if she hadn’t just gotten off a fifteen-hour journey from Berlin, still hung over from the two consecutive nights prior. Instead, she laid her head on the window of Gert’s car and just prayed to all the gods above and below that Gert would just fucking stop talking. She’d lost track of the conversation twenty minutes ago when she got into Gert’s old Corolla.

“—don’t you think?”

“What?” Nico mumbled.

Gert’s eye-roll was palpable to every car on this godforsaken highway they were stuck on. “Jesus, Nico, you’re a mess.”

“Flying is not fun.”

Gert barked a laugh, just loud enough to make Nico flinch. “Sure, yeah, because flying is the only reason you look like you’ve been bitten by a vampire who sucks at his job.”

Nico scoffed. “Could’ve been. Wouldn’t know.”

Gert shook her head, then put the car into drive when the other cars finally began crawling along. “I take it Berlin was fun?” She glanced over at her friend, whose eyes remained closed, one cheek pressed against the window as she gave a noncommittal grunt.

“I always have fun.”

“Sure.”

The car hummed along the road as thick silence filled. Thank god, Nico thought, snuggling against to the window to get comfortable. It didn’t work.

About an achingly slow mile later, Gert spoke, so quietly that Nico thought she might’ve imagined it at first. “Honestly, I wish you’d stop running away so much.”

Another grunt.

Finally, Gert sighed, turned on the radio at white-noise volume, and—like all the times they’d done this in the past—waited for the steady rise and fall of Nico’s breathing. Waited for the rare moment of peace to fall over her friend.

* * *

Nico woke up with a jolt of pain across her upper arm, ready to fight with her fists balled. Unfortunately, unaware of her surroundings, she hit her head hard against hard glass and felt the pain blossom near her temple.

“What the fuck?” She mumbled.

Gert snickered. The car tumbled into silence. “We’re here,” she said.

“Fuck,” Nico mumbled, rubbing her head. She squinted out the window—still way too bright. “Did you just hit me? You can’t just wake me up like a normal person?”

“You’re a heavy sleeper,” Gert shrugged.

“I’m so not. I bet you didn’t even try.”

At this, Gert laughed—it was the first genuine sound since their reunion nearly two hours ago. “Sorry, not sorry.”

Nico straightened up with a grunt, trying to avoid her reflection in the side mirror as she looked around. Dusty streets and nondescript storefronts, restaurants, and bars. In other words, nowhere close to the quiet, green-lined streets of her apartment. “Where are we?” She mumbled.

“Relax,” Gert said with an air of breeziness that Nico’s pounding head could not comprehend. “It’s only, like, seven. If I drop you off at home, you’ll probably crash.”

“Kinda the point after a long flight.”

“Hell no—you’re gonna wake up at like three in the morning and never break this vicious cycle of yours. You know it doesn’t get better after the jet lag. You’ll just find excuses not to regulate your internal clock.”

Nico rubbed her eyes with a thumb and forefinger. “God, when did you become Tina?” She grumbled.

Gert sighed so softly that Nico could not help but wince at the wave of guilt passing through her. “Just looking out for you, Nico.”

Nico replied with yet another vague noise while she schooled her indifference back into place. Then, “So, where are we? Please don’t tell me we’re meeting your book club or some shit.” Just the right amount of snark to take the edge off the tension.

Gert chuckled. “You wish. I’m afraid you wouldn’t appreciate the genius of my in-depth analysis of the female burden in The Bell Jar this week.”

“Yuck.” Nico stuck her tongue out for emphasis.

Gert rolled her eyes, but laughed good-naturedly. Nico used to love her literary lectures back in college, and was an avid member of her book club when they covered a series of true crime biographies, but Gert decided now wouldn’t be a good time to point that out. Inwardly, however, she missed that Nico. She was so carefree. Curious. Unburdened. Unafraid.

But that seemed like another lifetime now, and she had to remind herself—again—that they would never go back to that.

“Chase and I found this cute little pub a few weeks ago. Live music and good food. Figured we could kill some time here while we wait for bedtime.”

“Ugh, just leave me here to die.”

“And where would I be without you?” Gert threw over her shoulder as she slipped out of the car. “C’mon, loser, we’re going in.”

Nico trailed after Gert, holding her head to keep it from breaking apart—it’d been far too long since the cheap wine she had on the plane. She barely registered the warm, wood-panelled décor and the light bustling of the pre-dinner calm as they enter the pub, thankful only to the dim lighting for the mild reprieve. They took a seat at a dark green, vinyl booth and, scooting an inch before the effort became too much, Nico collapsed across the seat.

“God, seriously?” She heard Gert mutter from the other side. “Get up, Nico. No sleeping. Hey. Nico. C’mon.” Gert’s voice is even, matter-of-fact with a hint of exasperation, but there was enough reproach to annoy her. Nico sat up, glare at the ready, prepared to fire at Gert’s no doubt smug face.

She stopped, however, when she caught the amused expression of the bartender across the room. The bartender tucked a strand of blonde hair behind her ear, and looked away.

Pretty, Nico thought absentmindedly, her hand automatically working toward combing through the disheveled mess of hair around her head.

Gert raised a brow. “Ready to join us in the land of the living?”

Nico scoffed and tore her gaze away from the bartender, who was, disappointedly, now too busy wiping down the bar to notice her. “My head hurts. I’m ready to sleep for at least forty-eight hours.”

“I’d totally encourage it too, if I knew you’d go back to living like a regular human being after. But knowing you…”

“Yeah, yeah,” Nico said, waving a hand dismissively. “I’m a wreck. Whatever. How’s Chase? Also, I need a beer.” She picked up a sticky menu from the end of the table with a grimace. “Maybe a glass of bourbon.”

“Chase is fine. He’s helping me build stuff for my new film. Probably annoying the contractors as we speak. And you are getting a nice glass of water. How about a nice virgin cocktail?”

“I don’t do virgin,” Nico replied nonchalantly.

Gert stared. When Nico simply stared back, she rolled her eyes. “No.”

“What?”

“You’re not getting whiskey.”

“Fine. I’ll do tequila. Your fault if I end up riding some stranger in a dirty bathroom stall.”

“Nico!”

Nico shrugged. “Just a joke. There’s like, no one here.” Except the bartender, she didn’t say out loud. She tipped her head toward the older crowd interspersed with worn professionals in baggy suits and wrinkled shirts, but otherwise chose to ignore them.

“Whatever,” Gert said with a wave of her hand. “You’re still not getting any alcohol today, or we’re gonna have to have an intervention.” Gert cringed inwardly as soon as the words left her mouth. The i-word always made Nico uneasy ever since she tricked her into going to an AA meeting. They avoided each other for weeks after that, deciding they could no longer bear to be around each other. Gert could still remember, in the weeks building up to that debacle, the frustration every time Nico told her she was fine and the anger every time she peeled her off the sidewalk in the middle of the night. It’d been a year since she vowed not to meddle anymore, and she’d been true to her word.

The awkwardness hovered for a beat between them.

Fortunately, before Nico could reply, a server approached with a notepad and a big, familiar grin. “Welcome to Timely! Oh, hey! Welcome back, Nico!”

Nico blinked, retort forgotten, as she gaped at the girl at the end of the table. “Molly?” She gasped.

Molly bounced her fluffy, dark brown curls. “The one and only,” she said proudly.

“What are you doing here?” Nico cried. She glanced across the table at Gert laughing away. “Gert, what the hell—did you know? How are you so chill about your underaged sister working in a bar?”

Gert shrugged, not bothering to hide her amusement as she watched Nico practically fall over herself as she stood, glaring down at her. No matter how much had changed in the last two years, there was a comfort in knowing that Nico still had an incredibly protective soft spot for Molly. Maybe the old Nico was still around, Gert thought wistfully.

“Jeez, Nico, calm down,” Molly said, motioning for her to sit. Nico sunk back down, her glare unwavering—Gert merely raised her palms in surrender, tilting her head so Molly could explain. “I’m not underaged. I’m twenty-one now.”

At this, Nico whipped around, eye wide. “What? When did that happen?”

“On…my birthday?”

“Fuck,” Nico breathed, shaking her head. “I’m…I’m sorry I forgot. It’s been…”

“Hey,” Molly said, “it’s fine.” She grinned, though it fell half-heartedly. “Everyone’s been busy, right?”

Right. Busy.

Gert bit her tongue as she watched as Nico seemed to retreat inside herself. She could almost picture the emotions roiling inside that tempestuous mind of hers. Guilt, for not being around; anger, for the days she wasted; frustration, for being less than the person she wanted to be; sadness, for all of the above. Resignation, when the cycle would inevitably repeat itself. Gert sighed, wondering when this would ever end.

Finally, Nico snapped awake in a moment of clarity, and she turned to Molly once more with a stern expression. “You still shouldn’t work at a bar. Bad people come to places like these.”

“Bad people?” Molly laughed. “I’m not twelve anymore. Everyone here is super nice! C’mon, what can I get for you?” She lifted her notepad with a hint of pride, and flicked her eyes between her two guests expectantly.

Nico slumped slightly, her choices warring behind her eyes. “Orange juice,” she said finally. Gert raised her brows, unexpected joy swelling in her chest—it’d probably been a while since she’d had a bit of vitamin C. She could see the thoughts running in circles around Nico’s brain now, wondering what would Molly think if she ordered a straight whiskey in the middle of the day. After all, it was still sunny out.

Gert grinned, half teasing, half proud, but did not comment.

“I’ll have an orange juice too,” Gert added. “And two of your house burgers. One veggie. They were really good last time.”

Molly beamed. “Aw, thanks! I’ll let the kitchen know you said that.”

As Molly walked away, Nico heaved a big sigh.

“She’s grown up, huh?” Gert offered a smile. “A lot happens when you’re not looking.”

“Yeah,” Nico said absently. Her eyes followed Molly behind the bar, where she was talking to the bartender with a big smile on her face. Gert followed her gaze, then turned back to Nico and studied her profile. Molly had been through a lot in the last few years—they all had—but Nico most of all. She looked older. Wearier. Her dark eyes didn’t shine like they used to. Gert’s heart sank.

“I was only gone for two weeks,” Nico thought out loud, turning to meet Gert’s eyes. “You guys all look different somehow.”

“Two weeks in Berlin,” Gert replied with a wry smile. “But before that, there was London, Prague, Tokyo, Sydney, wherever the fuck. I’ve gone to the airport to pick you up more times these last couple years than I see my parents and in-laws combined. I mean, it’s been two years, Nico. Of course we’re different now.”

“Gert,” Nico whispered. “Just, don’t. Please.” Not again, her sunken posture finished.

Gert sighed, but knew better than to push. She instead delved into details of her new film project. Nico nodded along despite struggling to stay awake all throughout the meal. Things were easy enough as long as they kept up the charade of normalcy—Gert over-saturating the silence with mundane details of the lives of their mutual friends, while Nico grunted monosyllabic replies. This was their new normal now.

Once Gert dropped Nico off at her apartment with a stilted goodbye, she drove home in silence, wondering if this was going to be the rest of their lives. As she crossed the threshold of her own home, greeted by her recently adopted dog and a kiss from Chase, she pictured her best friend face-first on her own bed, surrounded by nothing but cold emptiness in her dark studio apartment.

There was no need for guilt, and yet she wanted badly for her friend to know even a fraction of the happiness she’d found over the years. “Everyone has their own definition of happiness,” Chase told her once.

“You can’t seriously tell me that she’s happy getting wasted all the time with strangers and poison,” she had retorted.

Chase had put his hands up and walked away. They’d had this conversation a million times in the last two years, and she knew he was tired. She was tired. She was her best friend, and yet all she could do was stand on the sidelines, watching helplessly as Nico wasted away.

Maybe she worried too much, but she was the only one left. The accident had robbed Nico of everything.

Gert went to bed that night with her hand curled around Chase’s arm, thankful for all she had, yet desperately wishing that just once, the universe would be kinder to her best friend. Just enough for her to notice. For her to realize that there’s more to life than running away.

* * *

It was a warm Sunday, exactly one week later, when Gert stomped up to Nico’s door.

When she left her apartment earlier in the day, she had every intention of doing this calmly. In a civilized way, but the more she thought about the way Nico had been ignoring her for a week, the angrier she became. This wasn’t new. She knew what this meant, but a part of her always hoped. This was going to be the last time, Gert told herself. Hoping was way too exhausting.

The hallway was bright, warmly panelled with dark-stained wood and lined with a nice, peach carpet that probably cost more than Gert’s life. When she arrived at the white door—newly adorned with a callous line struck across the paint with what Gert presumed to be a key—she raised a first, ready to punch a hole through the wood, but stepped back when Chase’s obnoxious voice suddenly entered her subconscious: “Stay calm; don’t scare her. Do your breathing exercises.” A minute later, she mustered up a polite knock.

Silence.

“Nico!” Gert barked.

She pounded at the door, anger mounting by the second.

Long minutes later, the door swung open wide. Nico stood, one hand on the door as she glared up at Gert, disheveled and ready to kill. Her black, silk robe slipped at the shoulder, revealing way more skin than Gert wanted to see on her best friend, not that Nico could care about what she wanted in this state. Or ever. No, that’s not fair, she reminded herself, abruptly halting her internal monologue. She managed a gritted smile. “Did I wake you?”

Nico shot a glance back to the king-sized bed behind her, where two blonde heads poked out of her sheets. “Yes,” she said, turning back to Gert.

“It’s four. In the afternoon.”

“Probably,” Nico replied.

“Blondes, huh?”

Nico rose a brow. “Yep.”

Gert peered around her friend and into the room, squinting into the dark room to get a better look. The blonde man had shifted to close the empty space between them, wrapping an arm around the lightly snoring blonde woman. “What?” Nico finally sighed.

“Are they a couple?” Gert asked, pointing.

Nico turned, then shrugged. “Guess so. I thought they were twins at first.”

“Seriously?” Gert couldn’t help but laugh. “I’m sorry, but when did blondes become a thing for you? I thought you found them arrogant or intimidating or whatever. And now you’re in bed with married blonde twins.”

“Flavour of the month,” Nico replied nonchalantly, leaning on the open door. Her faraway expression told Gert that she probably couldn’t remember enough to think of a better answer.

“Uh huh.”

Nico rolled her eyes. “Why are you here?”

Gert crossed her arms. “I’m here because you haven’t picked up any of my calls and you’ve been ignoring my messages. A part of me hoped something happened so you could get your head out of your ass, but, really, I figured I’d find you exactly where you are now. Have you been out every night?”

“Jesus, not this again,” Nico muttered, running her hand through her hair. “If you came just to lecture me, then I’m going back to bed, Tina.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Gert cried. Feeling the familiar burst of emotion snaking through her, she snapped her mouth shut and took a step back, though not without levelling a glare at Nico. She inhaled deeply and slowly, then exhaled. Several repetitions later, she met Nico’s eyes. Nico’s eyes darted away and seemed, for a fleeting moment, to betray her guilt.

“You okay?” Nico mumbled sheepishly.

“Listen,” Gert replied, speaking slowly and deliberately, “you’ve got to stop calling me your psychopath mother whenever I’m trying to look out for you. The truth is, she’s not here. I’m here. I’m the only one here and I’m trying. Doesn’t that count for anything?”

Nico listened quietly, her eyes fixed on the peach carpet by Gert’s feet. Quiet, in response.

Finally, Gert rubbed a hand down her face and sighed. “Chase and Molly want to see you. They told me to come invite you to Molly’s bar tonight. Her friend is performing. If you wanna come, you better kick out tweedle dee and tweedle dum and get ready. Starts at eight and you take forever to get dressed.”

When Nico still did not reply, she shoved her hands in her pocket and turned to go, but she barely took a step when Nico hurried out into the hall and grabbed her by the arm. “Wait,” she said quietly.

“What?” Gert said, rolling her head back to meet her eye. Annoyed, exasperated, and angry as she was, the way Nico clutched her arm, the way she seemed to shrink back in anguish—her heart clenched at the sight of her best friend like this.

“I’m sorry,” Nico said, grimacing slightly as she failed to find the words she needed to adequately express the depth of her emotions. “Everything you do counts.”

Finally, as if she could hear the rest of her apology behind those simple words, Gert smiled. “Damn right,” she said, rolling her shoulders back. “See you at eight.”

Nico returned the smile with a rare, genuine grin of her own. “Okay.”

* * *

Nico stopped in front of the bar and shoved her hands into the pockets of her leather jacket. She cast a long look to the simple sign on the awning: Timely. What a dumb name for a bar. The light and noise flickered behind the doors—it was much livelier this week from what she remembered, which was never much. Through the large windows, she could just make out Gert’s head of purple hair from behind a booth. It bobbed, chatting and laughing presumably with Chase and Molly across from her.

For several long moments, all she could do was watch. Her head pounded, but that was nothing new. She’d poured herself a glass of whiskey after Gert’s visit, and, hours later, she was feeling a beyond desperate need for another. Especially if she had to get through the evening. Maybe she needed an Aspirin. God, maybe she just needed to go back to bed.

Gert meant well, she knew, but seeing her, seeing them—on the outside looking in—it always brought so many emotions. The worry in Gert’s eyes squeezed around her throat, and the memories of what she used to be, reflected in those same eyes, chipped away at her soul.

She knew she was a mess. Since the accident, she never tried to hide it. She knew what happened whenever she entered a room. Knew what people were thinking whenever the inevitable hush fell upon them.

A halo of warm light fell upon Gert’s purple hair as the lights inside dimmed for the evening. Nico shifted her gaze to her boots. She knew Gert wanted her to be happy, to be better than she was now, but she couldn’t even imagine what that looked like. The truth, she knew, was simple: it would just be easier for everyone if she didn’t show up.

“Hey, are you going inside?”

Nico lifted her head and turned, surprised to find the bartender from last week standing behind her with a gentle smile. Pretty, she caught herself thinking again. She didn’t look much like a bartender today with her golden hair cascading down her shoulders in painstakingly crafted waves and her long legs sculpted by a pair of light-washed jeans. Not just pretty, Nico decided. Gorgeous.

“Don’t you work here?” Nico asked, tilting her head.

The woman laughed, her voice warm and crisp as a cracking fire in contrast to the grungy street where they stood. “Yes,” she answered. “But today is a bit of a special shift.” She gestured to the guitar strapped on her back. In the face of everything else, Nico hadn’t noticed.

“Oh.”

They stared back at each other, both unsure what to say next, yet neither making a move to leave. Her blue eyes were captivating, and Nico wanted to dive right into them. A compliment rested on her tongue, but instead, Nico mentally kicked herself for her inability to speak while the woman shifted uncomfortably, as if wondering how to escape from this non-conversation. Finally, the woman looked away and took a step around Nico toward the door.

“So, um,” the woman said, glancing back briefly, “are you coming in?”

“Uh, yeah,” Nico murmured. “Right behind you.”

The woman pulled opened the door and stood behind it, smiling politely when Nico mumbled her thanks. They exchanged one last glance, sheepish smile and all, before Nico found herself standing alone inside the crowded bar.

“Nico!”

Shit.

Nico raised her eyes—the reality of being here had barely begun to sink in, but there was Chase, waving frantically with the biggest, goofiest smile on his face. There was no escaping now. Nico mustered a smile back as best she could.

“You look like you’ve seen better days,” Gert greeted when she approached. Nico rolled her eyes—there were ten pounds of make-up on her face and her outfit was impeccable. In other words, Gert was blatantly showing off her best friend intuition or just making a lucky guess. Nico guessed the latter—there was no way Gert could begin to comprehend the sheer strength of the hurricane fracturing her brain at that very moment.

“Nice to see you too,” Nico replied. Her gaze trailed over to the brown bottle sitting at the empty seat beside Gert. “For me?” Gert nodded, and she wasted no time in sliding into the seat and taking a grateful swig of the ice-cold beer. God, it was just perfect—nice, cold, refreshing, and just enough to start taking off the edge to her pounding head. A couple more and she’d be golden. One of these days, she really ought to do something nice for Gert. Perhaps a fruit basket.

To Molly, Nico flashed an easy smile, one reserved just for her. “Hey, Molly. Still hanging out with this boring old couple, huh?”

Molly snickered. “I was literally just teasing them about taking naps together. Isn’t that so unproductive?”

“Hey!” Chase cut in, waving a nacho emphatically, “it’s not unproductive. It’s romantic.”

“Ugh,” Nico supplied with a playful smirk, snatching a nacho from the basket. “Not my favourite definition of ‘sleeping together’.”

“Don’t knock it till you try it,” Gert said, elbowing her in the side. “I’m sure one of your many blondes would be more than willing.”

Chase raised a brow. “Are you dating blondes now? I thought you found them creepy.”

“I wouldn’t exactly call it dating,” Nico murmured into the rim of her bottle. “Just seemed to work out that way the last couple of times, I guess. They’re not as creepy as I thought?”

“My friend is blonde!” Molly piped in happily. “I can introduce you!”

Nico laughed and shook her head. “If she’s a friend of the wonderful Molly Hernandez, then she should probably stay away from me if she knows what’s good for her.” She cringed inwardly when three pairs of concerned eyes turned to her. She hadn’t meant to sound self-deprecating—it was simply the truth right now.

Her friends weren’t stupid or blind—they knew what she’d been like for the last two years. While she appreciated that they tried to maintain the normalcy they once shared, it also stung when they looked at her like that. Like they couldn’t see how hard she was trying to do her part in this charade.

“Well,” Molly said with a nervous laugh, “I don’t know, but going on a date once in a while could be fun.”

“Funny you should mention dating, Miss I-don’t-know-who-to-pick-because-I’m-so-popular,” Chase teased. With the spotlight now safely on Molly, Nico released a breath she didn’t know she was holding.

“Hey! You know I don’t like hurting people’s feelings. It’s hard, okay?”

“Yeah, Molly is a national treasure,” Gert said matter-of-factly. “It’s only natural people are interested. They’re just gonna have to go through me if they so much as look at her the wrong way.”

“Oh my god, Gert,” Molly said, slapping a hand across her eyes. “That’s so embarrassing. And old-school. And, like, so not what your feminist book club is about, I bet.”

“There’s intersectional discourse, and then there’s my kid sister,” Gert replied.

The group laughed and the back and forth continued safely until, suddenly, the lights dimmed down further, and a light shone brightly at the back of the bar. Nico hadn’t noticed the simple stage there last week. It had a single microphone stand, a stool, and a strangely electric vibe as the people clamoured with excitement.

It’d been a while since she’d seen a show of any kind while sober enough to enjoy it. She just hoped the music wasn’t going to split her head open. She was going to need something a tad stronger than American beer. She shook her head and chided herself briefly: at least want to be normal for five minutes.

“Who’s playing?” She asked the table to distract herself from the headache building up again. “Someone famous?”

“Nah, but she definitely should be,” Molly said, clapping in anticipation. “I can’t wait for you guys to see her. She’s so talented.”

“How did you manage to make friends with a baby celebrity?” Chase asked, craning his neck around in search of the performer in question.

“Oh, easy. I work with her,” Molly announced proudly.

“Really?” Gert raised a brow. “Is it that hard to find good talent in LA? They have to use one of their own?”

Molly laughed. “More like Karolina is amazing and the owners are super nice. I’m telling you: there’s nobody like her.”

Finally, a woman said something into the microphone and Nico—who had been busy picking at the label of her bottle for the last five minutes and not fully listening to the conversation—looked up.

Her heart seized—murmurs erupted all around her, muted into nothingness when blue eyes connected with her own from across the room. Her hands stilled at the sight of the blonde bartender, watching her as she perched on her stool, guitar on her knee and microphone by her lips. When she smiled, it was as if the room had fallen away all around them, and they were the only two people left in the world. Nico took a quick glance behind her—surely, this woman couldn’t see right through her. But the blue eyes stayed, and Nico didn’t quite know what to do.

What did she possibly see? Nico wondered.

Suddenly, the chords struck up, its melody haunting even in the first few bars, and her voice, deep and gravelly in its timbre, seemed to fill the room.

“I was just a poor, young, little ugly thing,” she began. “Mama kicked me out just shy of seventeen…I was looking for love in the fire and the flames, but the only way to love is to get yourself burned.” She closed her eyes, pausing, breathing silently, just taking in the weight of the world, then opened them—Nico nearly forgot to breathe. “That’s how I became the runaway.”

The ballad continued, slow, steady, and melancholy in all the places that hurt the most. “I gave my hand to a man, he put a ring on me. He couldn’t understand why I wasn’t just like him.”

Blue eyes caught Nico’s once more, and all the air seemed to escape from her lungs.

“He should’ve known by the look in my eyes. We looked at the same girls.”

Something inexplicable began to build up in Nico’s throat when the chorus filled the room, giving way to the brittle strength of every verse just to sweep them all away again. Like a coyote perched on a hill, moonlight behind him, it was lonely and proud, the pain spreading its wings on every note. “No hands will hold me; I’ll always be lonely. Is there someone out there who can break…this habit of going, there’s no way of knowing—”

Voice and heart strained at the top of the crescendo: “I promise I’ll always be your little runaway.

“I’ll be your runaway.”

The guitar cried on even after the voice faded, and Nico felt herself tugging toward it, hoping to revel in it for a moment more. Felt herself hoping this wasn’t the end of the story.

But the song soon ended, and a happier melody took its place.

“—co? Hey, Nico!”

Nico blinked, then recoiled when she found a hand waving an inch from her face.

“Nico, are you alright?” Molly asked. Her brows were furrowed, concerned. Nico glanced over at the woman on stage, whose eyes were no longer on her as she performed a lighter song.

“Yeah,” Nico mumbled, shifting her gaze to the torn-up label between her fingers. When did this happen?

“Nico,” Gert said softly. She passed her a napkin. “You’re crying.”

Nico blinked once more, her hand flying up to her cheek. Her finger came away moist—she couldn’t remember the last time she cried. Stunned, she whispered the only word she could find: “Yeah.”

Gert gave her shoulder a squeeze, then turned away. Molly and Chase looked down—the silence was so awkward that Nico wanted to hide under the sticky table and disappear.

“She’s really good, Molly,” Gert said, mercifully easing the sudden tension.

Molly grinned. “Right?”

Chase flagged down a waitress and ordered another round, giving Nico a little smile in hopes of reassuring her. Nico returned it as best she could. She was thankful, at least, to get a little more alcohol in her body to help her make it through the night.

“Oh my god, I love this song,” Molly chirped, practically standing on her seat as she twisted around to watch as the cheers died down and the next song began. “Karolina’s cover is so good.”

Karolina.

Nico drew her eyes to the stage once more and lingered on her face. Though her eyes were closed, she could not shake the memory of her gaze—so soulful, searching, so full of life. So unlike what she must’ve seen in Nico’s own. She was, as anybody could see, beautiful. Radiantly so. She was vibrant in the way she sang, with an air of kindness, depth, and an incredible intelligence to her that Nico could not explain.

“That’s called the halo effect, you know,” Gert said. Nico snapped awake. For a moment, her heart hammered at the thought of Gert being able to read her mind. When she looked over, however, she was sticking a tongue out at Chase.

“What are you talking about? She seems genuinely cool!” Chase defended.

Gert rolled her eyes. “Yeah, that’s what I mean. Beautiful people like that are perceived to be superior humans in every way because people are horny as hell. I mean, since she’s Molly’s friend, obviously I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt. I’m just saying you shouldn’t jump to conclusions.”

Chase chuckled. “You don’t have to be jealous, Gert. It’s cute on you, but really now.”

“Oh! Oh!” Molly said, slapping at Chase’s arm, “her set’s over! Let me out, let me out! I’m gonna go say hi.”

Molly clambered over Chase and pushed her way to the stage. They watched, shaking their heads, as she bounced on the balls of her feet while waiting to talk to the blonde.

“She’s pretty popular, eh?” Gert said.

Nico nodded. A handful of bodies were gathered at the stage, everyone vying for her attention. She wasn’t surprised.

“You wanna go meet her, Nico?” Gert asked, nudging her elbow lightly with her own.

Nico scoffed. “No, thanks.”

“I’m gonna go check on those beers,” Chase said suddenly before practically rolling out of the booth.

“You sure you’re alright?” Gert said gently once Chase was gone.

“Yeah,” Nico mumbled. “Don’t know what came over me, honestly.”

Gert laughed, shaking her head. “Emotions. That’s what. Remember those?”

Nico chuckled. “Nope.”

“Well, regardless, you’ve been watching her all night. Why not talk to her?”

“What? No,” Nico said, in spite of the pink creeping onto her pale skin.

Gert crossed her arms. “Christ, Nico, would it kill you to try going on a normal date for once?”

“You know I can only talk to strangers after, like, eight drinks, right?”

“Don’t be an idiot,” Gert said, waving a hand, “I saw you talking to Karolina outside earlier. Well, Chase saw.”

“For two seconds!” Nico protested. “Besides,” Nico leaned back and sighed, “she’s, like, way too normal. While I’m like some fucked up trust fund baby.”

Gert barked a laugh. “How the hell would you know? Unless that’s what you talked about outside? Did she say, ‘Hi, I’m Karolina and I’m way too normal’? Because if she did, then she’s definitely an alien.”

“Shut up.”

“Oh, hey,” Gert said, a slow smile spreading, “speak of the devil.”

Nico sat up, knocking over the empty bottle in front of her as Molly and Chase returned, each holding two fresh bottles of beer and a big grin. Nico just managed to catch the bottle she’d knocked over before it could roll off the table, and when she straightened up again, she met a familiar amused expression behind Molly.

She felt her heart shoot right through her chest. Jesus, get a grip, Nico chided herself.

“Aw, guys! Look who we found!” Molly announced. She waved a bottle of beer excitedly in Karolina’s direction.

“Oh good,” Gert said, reaching through Nico’s personal bubble to grab a bottle from Molly’s hand. “Just what Nico needed,” she added with a wiggle of her brows as she placed the bottle in front of her. Nico turned to her with a glare, but did not hesitate to swipe the bottle off the table.

“Not that!” Molly cried, oblivious. “I found a celebrity!” She threw an arm around the so-called celebrity’s shoulders and grinned. “Gert, Nico, meet my friend, Karolina. She’s awesome!”

Karolina smiled back politely, but Gert did not fail to notice the extra second she spent lingering on Nico, who was too much a brat to smile back in spite of the pink stubbornly lingering on her neck and blossoming across both cheeks.

“Nice to meet you,” Karolina said, extending a hand to Gert.

Gert took it and gave it a firm shake. “You’ve got quite a voice,” she said.

“Thank you. You’ve got quite a grip,” Karolina said, laughing lightly. “You must be Molly’s sister. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Hope it’s only good things. Well, if you know who I am, then you know that this dummy here is Nico. Say hi, Nico,” Gert said, grinning in a way that, from Nico’s point of view, truly warranted a good punch in the face. She sent her a glare and hoped the message was clear.

To Karolina, she simply said, “Hello.”

“Hello,” Karolina replied with a sympathetic smile. The eye contact lingered, and something between them seemed to make Nico’s skin crawl in a way she enjoyed far too much. She wondered if Karolina felt it too.

“Oh-kay, that was kind of weird,” Molly said. “Anyway, do you want to join us, Karolina? I know you have class tomorrow, but—one drink?”

Karolina glanced at her watch. “I do have an early start tomorrow.”

“Please,” Molly asked, throwing in a pout for good measure. “It’ll be fun!”

“I got an extra bottle,” Chase added. “Don’t know if you like beer, but happy to get you something else. Let us thank you for the lovely music tonight.”

“Yes!” Gert agreed, earning a confused but happy grin from Chase. “Nico’s tiny. You can squeeze in next to her. We’d love to get to know you more.”

Nico turned with yet another glare, but even she could feel herself losing steam. Gert only smiled wider. Perhaps it was time to concede the futility of these types of threats when your best friend seemed so desperate to play matchmaker.

“Um, alright then. If it’s not too much trouble,” Karolina said sending Nico scurrying right up against Gert when she moved to sit beside her. Even so, it wasn’t a large booth, and soon Nico found herself far too aware of how their thighs touched.

If Karolina noticed the effect she was having on Nico, she certainly didn’t show it. Very soon, she was already engaged in conversation with everyone else, her arm brushing against Nico’s every once in a while as she spoke. Nico furrowed her brow and tried to concentrate all her energy on the bottle at her lips. She needed a lot more of these to get through the night, and Gert sure as hell wasn’t going to let that happen. Cruel, mean Gert would rather her sit here sober and stew and wonder what the fuck was wrong with her.

Karolina was just a person, she reminded herself. She’d been with tons of people equal or more beautiful. Equal or more talented. Probably. Of course, she rarely remembered because she was rarely sober, but that didn’t make this anxious feeling in her stomach any less unreasonable.

Nico really didn’t want to be there anymore. Perhaps she could go to the bathroom, then secretly escape. Would Gert notice?

“That song you opened with,” Gert said, immediately grabbing Nico’s attention, “that was some powerful stuff.”

“Yeah,” Karolina laughed nervously. “Elle King is…really something else. I thought at first that it was the kind of ballad that belonged to the people who wrote the song. You know the kind of song that’s so specific that it must be made for you, or something like that. But the more I sing that song, and the more I listen to it…the more I start to understand the song as a universal truth about humans. We’re all…running away in some way, and we all believe in these lies about ourselves when we’re running. It’s just basic survival, I think. People have told me that it’s a bit much for an opener, but…I really love it.” She blushed when she finally looked around and realized there were four pairs of eyes on her. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to ramble on like that.”

A beat passed. Nico was the first to speak.

“No,” She whispered, staring down at the table though she could feel Gert’s gaze burning into the side of her head. “That was…beautiful. I get it.”

Karolina flashed an embarrassed grin that went unnoticed. “Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! First and foremost, thank you so much for making it to the end of my first chapter. This is my third Runaways story now, and it seems I'm having trouble going back. I just love these two, I love this show, and I love the possibilities I get to explore. 
> 
> If you liked this story, please stick around. I have about 32k already written up, and I will be posting what I have every week. 
> 
> Please note that I am a very busy person in my real life (and somewhat of a perfectionist in my fic writing life) and I may not be able to update in such a timely fashion once all of my chapters are out. Still, I hope you enjoy what I have in store for you so far. 
> 
> Don't be afraid to give me a shout on Twitter @fireroastedmoo. Always down to make new friends. I'm working in China at the moment, so Twitter is a challenge, but I'll definitely get to you eventually. If not, a simple kudo will do the trick to show your support :)
> 
> P.S. This story was inspired by a number of different songs, and I'd like to share a few with you in every chapter. I will try to tailor these to the chapter as much as I can. Here are this week's songs: 
> 
> Elle King - Runaway  
> Chris Stapleton - Tennessee Whiskey  
> Dia Frampton - Die Wild  
> Ralph - Gravity


	2. Chapter 2

At the end of the night, Nico was both exhausted and inspired. She thought about Karolina and the song, turning the lyrics over and over in her mind. Turning that haunted look in those blue eyes over and over. As soon as she went home, she looked for the original, but as soulful as it was, it wasn’t the same. Karolina’s was a siren song, calling her in a way that nobody else could hear. In a way she so immediately understood that it scared the shit out of her. And Karolina herself—the enigma who seemed to see right through her.

As Nico sat at the edge of her bed with her head in her hands, she felt suddenly empty. _Honestly, I wish you’d stop running away so much_ , came Gert’s voice. It wasn’t like she wanted to. She didn’t _want_ to spend her whole life trying to escape the very act of living, but she could not imagine standing still. Embracing that failure. Confronting the rest.

No.

Gert was right—she was always right—but running was the easiest. She couldn’t help it. What else was she supposed to do? Since the accident, all she saw in the mirror was inadequacy. Guilt.

Helplessness.

Weakness.

She could barely get through each night without a little help. She wasn’t an alcoholic—no matter what Gert said—she just couldn’t stand the clarity of sobriety.

Not wanting to think about it anymore, she fell back into the things that comforted her most. Perhaps, as Gert suggested, she had a _problem_ , sure, but there was no crime in ignoring her problems. Just _thinking_ about thinking was already setting off a dangerous path for her thoughts. She ran a hand through her hair as she tried to stamp out the guilt when she pictured Gert’s concerned eyes. The temporary arms of a strangers love and the slow burn of liquid spreading through her like morphine—these were the safest options. She never hurt anybody else. Why couldn’t Gert understand?

She pulled out three glasses and popped open a new bottle of whiskey, then filled them to the brim. She thumbed through her phone to the newest in her line of anonymous contacts: “Blonde Twins”. A brief image of Karolina flashed through her mind then, her blonde hair almost fiery in the dim light of the bar. There she was—strumming the notes that clawed at her heart, her eyes closed, as her lips moved close to the microphone. Nico thought of those lips, and the way they moved, as if making love to the music that poured out of them. She pictured those lips on her own skin, as if she were the only song she was ever going to song. Then, she pictured Karolina outside on the cold curb, a shy smile on her lips as the light of the yellow streetlight reflected mischievously off her dark blue eyes. Those eyes searing right into her, pulling her apart and putting her back together. The two images melded, hot and cold, etched into Nico’s mind like Castor and Pollux in the night sky.

God, she needed to get her out of her head.

Quickly downing one of the three glasses, she felt the familiar heat travelling down her throat, burning a hole in her stomach and drowning the butterflies before they could take flight. One more for good measure, she said to herself as the second glass disappeared. Finally, as she tapped out a quick message with one hand, she refilled the glasses with another. It was late, but she breathed a sigh of relief when they replied.

They’d be over in fifteen.

One last gulp.

Another night down.

The night after that, the blonde couple led her to a new party, and the only thing she remembered was meeting a stranger’s blue eyes and waking up the next morning alone in her own bed, the stranger’s scent still lingering in the air. With a groan, she reached over to her bedside table for an Aspirin, but found the box empty. “Fuck,” she mumbled out loud. Next to the box was a number and a name. With a scoff, she pulled the pen and paper onto her bed, crossed out his name and scribbled out “Blue Eyes” instead.

“Blue Eyes” led to a sweet girl in a vintage dress A-line dress with a shy smile. She named her “Church Girl”, after the little, silver cross she hid beneath her collar. After “Church Girl” woke her up the next morning by crying into her sheets, Nico resolved to have at least one normal day so she wouldn’t have to go through _that_ kind of bullshit again. She could barely handle her own emotions, much less a stranger’s. So, she chanced a day out in the sunlight and went out to get a haircut. She even went to the store and came home with a bag of groceries, but the frustration of cooking soon manifested far too many thoughts of her own incompetence, and she poured the bottle of wine into her stomach instead of the pot. She wasn’t surprised—sober days felt far too long, after all.

After expending the little motivation she had on a treadmill in the corner of her apartment, she spent most of next day passed out in the pitch-dark comfort of her bed, surrounded by empty bottles as her laptop ran through every Harry Potter movie on a loop. The next day, her laptop had run out of batteries, and she felt like an idiot. This was what happened when she spent too much time alone, she chided herself.

So, she went to her favourite club that evening, made an anonymous friend and the cycle continued.

It took two more days until, finally, Nico conceded that sleeping with strangers was not as fun as it used to be. Worse, as she scrolled through her list of recent contacts on Tuesday night on a two-drink buzz, the trend became glaringly obvious.

Chipper Bartender, Tall Girl, Blonde Twins, Blue Eyes, Church Girl, Blonde DJ, and Legs for Days.

The pattern was obvious, yes, but what was she supposed to do? She glared long and hard at the glass she turned in her palm. The answer bubbled within the amber liquid: she _needed_ to get Karolina out of her system. She barely knew the woman.

Then again, she barely knew _any_ of these people. So, what’s the harm? Something pulled her toward Karolina—she was different, much different—but she tamped it down. It must’ve been some kind of animal attraction. Something she could shake off once she’s had a taste. Yes. She was just part of the flavour-of-the-month collection. Not the muse.

* * *

That was how, an hour later, Nico found herself skulking toward the bar, hands shoved in her pockets as she carried the courage of a three-drink buzz and a metal flask for a burst of strength. For emergencies only, of course. She peered through the window. People bustled around the small space—it was a slow night, and she was relieved to see no sign of Molly. There was a guy she didn’t recognize working at the bar; no sign of Karolina either. Nico furrowed her brow. She waited, sweeping her gaze around every hallway and entryway she could see from her perch outside. Just as she was about to turn away, a door opened behind the bar, and—there she was. Nico felt the three drinks warm in her stomach, and an involuntary smile tugging at her lips as Karolina walked in, dressed in a simple white shirt, arms raised as she pulled her hair back into a ponytail. Cute, Nico thought. So, so cute.

Taking a breath, Nico pushed through the door and stepped inside. Back in her apartment, her two-drink self had a plan—she was going to march in, tug her over the bar top, and kiss her hard enough to forget her forever. Her three-drink self had driven down here recklessly, fully intending on carrying out this obscene plan.

But as she stood inside, looking past empty faces and right at the bar, she suddenly felt impossibly sober.

Karolina lit up when met her eyes. She smiled and waved.

Fuck.

Nico bolted out of the bar, down the block, and back into her black BMW, her heart hammering. “Fuck,” she murmured, laying her forehead on the steering wheel.

Why the hell did she do that? She must think you’re insane, she thought. “Christ, you _are_ fucking insane,” she mumbled out loud, knocking her forehead at the wheel for emphasis. “What are you even doing here? You’re a piece of shit, but a stalker too? Jesus fucking Christ.”

She squeezed her hands around her steering wheel. Another realization suddenly dawned: it’d been years since she’d driven a car—this one now smelled decidedly dusty after she’d stolen it from her parents’ garage after her move. She couldn’t even remember jumping in, and why she didn’t call a Lyft was beyond her. Remembering anything outside of Karolina seemed to be beyond her these days.

She checked the time on her dash—it was only eight. Eight o’clock and suddenly sober as fuck. She laid back in the driver’s seat and sighed, wondering what she should do next. She toyed with the idea of calling somebody. Blue Eyes seemed to crave her attention constantly despite only getting it on her terms. She picked up her phone and scrolled without enthusiasm. It didn’t take long for her to realize she had very little appetite for another stranger in her bed, which only reminded her how goddamn creepy it was to be sitting outside Timely, casing the place for a good time. Is that what she was doing? What she wanted? Nico dismissed the thought immediately. She didn’t want to analyze any of this anymore.

There was a poster across the street for some generic car chase film behind a cracked panel of glass—she could see a movie, probably. She could leave her car here, ask Gert or Molly to drive it back, take a Lyft, and go see a movie. Maybe hit up a different bar afterward.

But first—she rummaged the metal flask out of her pocket and shook it. _Oh, fuck_ , she thought. She’d forgotten to refill it. She took a deep breath, and tried to imagine the warmth and the fuzziness. She tried not to let the frustration build, tried to turn the volume of her thoughts down. Inhale. Exhale. But it was no use—the promised calm didn’t come.

As she was sulkily jostling the empty container around, again and again, willing it to magically refill itself, a sudden tapping at her passenger side window nearly jolted her out of her seat. She clutched her heart and turned. Her breath hitched in her throat when she saw Karolina, pink-faced with loose strands of her ponytail plastered against her neck. Her hands pressed against her hips as she tried to catch her breath.

Nico immediately fumbled with her car, turning it off and on as she tried to figure out how to roll the window down.

“H-hey,” Karolina said. She waved, leaning into the car with a little half-smile.

“Are you…alright?” Nico asked slowly, trying her best to concentrate on her words while still not quite believing what was happening.

Karolina laughed, light and airy. “Yes, sorry, apparently I’m a bit out of shape.”

“Did you…run here?”

Karolina blushed. “Yeah, I…thought I might not catch you in time. Why…why did you run?”

Nico shrugged, unable to meet Karolina’s eyes. How was she supposed to explain something she didn’t understand? “Why are you here?” She asked instead.

Karolina drummed her fingers on the door. “Not sure, honestly,” she said with a sheepish smile. “You looked…scared. Earlier. Flushed. You…haven’t been drinking, have you?” She bit her lip, as if waiting to be admonished once the words left her lips. Her eyes flicked between Nico’s face and the steering wheel with evident—unwarranted and undeserved—worry. 

Nico touched her cheek. It was still warm, despite the way the effects of her previous drinks seemed to be rapidly fading when confronted with the beautiful blonde. Perhaps she was actually black-out drunk and was dreaming it all up.

“Hey, do you wanna go see a movie?” Nico heard herself blurt out suddenly.

Karolina blinked. “Right now?”

“Yeah.”

A stretch of silence passed. Just long enough for Nico to start a list of all the reasons Karolina could—and probably should—say no.

“Okay,” Karolina said instead, tucking a stray strand of her messy ponytail behind her ear, a shy smile aimed to kill. “I…just have to let my coworker know. He owes me a shift anyway. Will you wait for me?”

Nico’s mouth opened and closed while her eyes were still trained on the lingering fingers in Karolina’s hair. She took a breath, reminded herself to get her shit together for the fifteenth time, and licked her lips, finding her entire mouth parched.

Karolina tilted her head expectantly. “Uh,” Nico mumbled. “Yeah, sure. I’ll pull up front.”

“No, you won’t,” Karolina replied with a furrow of her brows. “You shouldn’t drive. Stay here. I’ll be back.”

Then, she was gone, and Nico did as she was told. She sat silently in the car, listening to the beating of her heart and the thrum of excitement between every note. The fog around her head hummed, but that didn’t stop thoughts of the bartender from slipping in

Karolina was…interesting. Unpredictable. Uncomfortable, even. And Nico didn’t really know what to do with that.

She flexed her empty fingers, wishing she had just another drink to help her get through the evening. She tried to remember what she was like on those brave nights, tried to remember the kind of smile she’d perfected to entice strangers into her bed. Did she smile? Or did she just grab them on the dance floor, push them against walls, or lean into their bodies? Really, without the alcohol turning her limbs into jelly, all she could do was try to remember what it was like to not be so…awkward.

Somehow Karolina didn’t seem the type to appreciate a good shove against a wall and a tongue down her throat.

Or, maybe she did.

Nico shook the image out of her head vigorously.

Long minutes later, Nico’s door swung open, and Nico yelped. “Sorry,” Karolina said, laughing. “I’ll drive, so, um, you should sit over there. Is that okay?” If this were Gert, Nico would’ve scowled and glared. But Gert wasn’t Karolina. Gert wasn’t this polite. This tentative around her. Most of all, Gert didn’t make a habit of showing off expanses of tan skin beneath short shorts and short shirts.

Nico practically dove for the passenger seat, if only for a safe place to put her eyes. In her state of unfamiliar, sober nervousness, she bumped her head against the window at the same moment that Karolina started the car. She glanced beside her and breathed a sigh of relief when her clumsiness went unnoticed.

What the hell is happening? Nico thought, her pulse quickening when Karolina turned to her with a small smile. She looked out the window, feeling extraordinarily out of synch with her own body, especially as she tried to rub the bump on her head with the pretence of combing her fingers through her hair.

Had she always been this awkward?

* * *

“Do you have a movie in mind?” Karolina asked. She looked up at the titles behind the bored-looking teenager behind the counter.

Nico looked up from her boots to follow Karolina’s gaze. It was the first time she spoke since getting into the car, and, grateful as she was that Karolina seemed to respect whatever wall Nico was putting up in her anxiousness, Nico felt the embarrassment burn in her cheeks. She had been zoning out, thinking about the gentle notes of Karolina’s humming as she drove. She blinked, unsure what to say, and honesty probably wasn’t the best policy if it could scare the people away. This was why you don’t have other friends, Nico sighed internally. She willed herself to say something, anything—shrug it off or change the topic. Answer the question, whatever it was. But her mind seemed entirely unable to function. Jesus, Nico grumbled at herself, first you stalk the poor woman, and now you’re fucking Elsa in her goddamn ice palace over here. Very romantic.

“Nico?”

Nico shook her head and tried to shove the feeling of wanting to simply die at Karolina’s feet onto a high, high shelf. God, she was way too sober for this.

“Whatever is playing next is fine, I guess,” Nico finally managed with a halfway casual shrug.

“Uh, are you sure?” Karolina squinted at the list.

“Why? Does it look stupid?”

Karolina shook her head. “It’s _A Quiet Place_. They’re showing it again for a festival, I’m assuming.” She pointed at a sign near the bored teenager, who promptly continued to ignore them. “Halloween.”

“Cool. Never seen it.”

Karolina flashed Nico a small smile, then stepped up to get their tickets. Was that a hint of nervousness? Nico shrugged again, as coolly as she could this time, then wandered off to the concession stand for some popcorn.

They reconvened minutes later at the podium, where Karolina handed over their tickets. 

The theatre was almost empty on a Tuesday night.

Nico wordlessly led them up to the back row, too busy hoping she didn’t drop her popcorn to really think about anything else. It was only when Karolina sat down beside her and she moved to hand her a drink, that Nico blanched.

“Oh fuck,” Nico whispered, retracting her arm sheepishly.

“What’s wrong?” Karolina asked, sitting up. “Are you okay?”

“Uh, yeah, it’s just…I got suckered into one of these combo deals and they didn’t ask me which drinks I wanted. I have no idea what’s in here.”

Karolina laughed. “That’s the longest sentence you’ve ever said to me, and I’d say it was worth the wait,” she said, grinning as she reached over to ease a blue cup out of the carton in Nico’s hands. “I’m sure it’s just Coke—don’t worry. Just in case, you can take a sip first.”

Nico nodded. “Not rat poison,” she reported.

“Debatable,” Karolina said, taking a sip nonetheless. “I hear people use this stuff to clean blood off walls.”

“Don’t tell me you’re one of those kombucha people.”

Karolina laughed. “I assure you that both jobs make sure I’m not. Free drinks are hard to turn down.”

“Probably still better than the shit I consume on a daily basis. I’m made up of, like, eighty percent whiskey, probably. The rest is probably beer, wine, and hot air.”

A pause. Nico wanted to slap herself—how was anyone supposed to respond to sounding like a complete alcoholic?

“I don’t know if Coke is better than whiskey,” Karolina said, chuckling. If she felt any discomfort, her smile certainly did nothing to show it. “But it sure is delicious. I used to be _really_ into mixed drinks, especially when I first started performing, and rum and Coke was an easy go-to.”

“Oh. Cool.”

Great, now Karolina was trying her best to be lovely, and Nico had the linguistic prowess of a twelve-year-old.

“Ooh, are those M&Ms?” The simple question seemed to shift the tension, and Nico released a breath she didn’t know she was holding. She placed her drink into the cup holder and, leaving the bag of popcorn in her lap, wordlessly handed Karolina the unopened bag of chocolate.

Karolina lit up. She was so pleased that Nico had to smile.

“Thanks for the snacks.” Karolina said. “Open your hand?” Nico opened her palm and promptly received several pieces of M&M’s.

“Thanks for the tickets, I guess,” Nico replied before shoving the entire handful of chocolate into her mouth.

“My pleasure.”

It took all of five minutes into the movie for Nico to realize that _A Quiet Place_ did not undersell its title. It was truly, truly _quiet_. So quiet, that when Karolina’s hand accidentally brushed hers inside the popcorn bag, her gasp felt so loud that she might as well have moaned into Karolina’s face. It was so quiet that Karolina quickly retracted her hand, her face pink in the low light as she flashed an apologetic smile.

It was so quiet, she almost felt guilty for breathing. Still, there was a special thrill in knowing monsters lurked at every corner, especially combined with the way Karolina was scrunched up against her, halfway down her seat as she clutched her arm and buried half her face in her shoulder, trying not to make a noise. If her heart wasn’t so invested in the movie, Nico probably would’ve been able to remember her embarrassment. But her back was ram-rod straight, and she was alive, her popcorn forgotten in the empty seat beside them.

It wasn’t until the credits began to roll that she noticed Karolina’s breath on her neck. She stiffened, and Karolina must’ve felt it when she pulled away.

“Sorry,” Karolina murmured. “I didn’t mean to…do that. That was, um, quite the movie, huh?”

“Yeah,” Nico replied with a stiff smile. “That was really good. It’s been so long since I’ve _really_ watched a movie.”

Karolina stood, stretched, and offered a hand. “Do you wanna get out of here?” She asked.

Nico put her hand in hers without thought, and felt the warmth spread to her head. All of her anxiousness two hours ago seemed like a bad dream now.

“Okay.”

Out on the street, their hands were still clasped. Neither quite knew how to let go, and though Nico understood this could be bound for disaster, she liked the way her hand fit into Karolina’s, and, really, she couldn’t remember the last time anybody held her hand.

As they stood in front of the theatre, they rattled on about the movie. Though there was a lot to say, it was easy to tell that they were both distracted—there was a bigger conversation lurking beneath the surface.

It was Karolina who took the first plunge.

“So, um, do you…” Karolina blushed in the pale light of the bulbs of the marquee above. They were close enough for Nico to catch the vaguely floral scent of her hair, and her heart began to hammer before Karolina could gather the courage to finish asking her question. “Do you,” she started again, “want to come to my place?”

Nico’s eyes must’ve physically widened.

“N-not like that!” Karolina explained hurriedly. Confusion set in long before the disappointment could, so Nico waited. She wasn’t sure what she was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t what Karolina said next: “I baked a pie this morning. Do you think you’d be interested in sharing with me? Over coffee?”

Nico looked down at their clasped hands, then back up to her stormy blue eyes.

“Okay.”  
  


* * *

  
Nico couldn’t remember the last time she had pie, if ever. Her parents certainly weren’t the baking type, and her ex-military grandparents were so vehemently Japanese that she wasn’t sure if they’d survive the sight of something as American as apple pie. Whatever the case, Karolina was a _very_ good baker.

She’d scarfed down half the slice before feeling Karolina’s gaze on the side of her face. She looked up to see that Karolina was still holding her fork, her own plate untouched, and she flushed crimson in embarrassment.

“This is really good,” Nico said with a sheepish smile.

“Yeah?” Karolina grinned. “My mother’s recipe.” She reached over unexpectedly, and gently dabbed a napkin across Nico’s slightly parted lips. Nico felt her cheeks burn even hotter. “We have a…weird relationship, I guess—if you can call it that—but...baking kind of reminds me of simpler days, you know? Does your mom bake?”

Nico laughed, far louder than she’d intended. “Sorry,” Nico said, “if you knew her, you’d think it’s hilarious too.”

“I take it that’s a no?”

Nico shook her head. “My mother doesn’t understand anything beyond business. She’s a stone-cold bitch—even when my sister…” Nico stopped; her breath caught in her throat. She’d almost revealed something she hadn’t talked about in two years to Karolina. To a complete stranger. Something clasped so tightly around her heart that even Gert didn’t fully understand.

“Hey,” Karolina’s voice was soft. Gentle. She touched her arm. “We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

Nico nodded. But why did she want to?  
  


“Tell me something else about yourself,” Karolina said, smiling.

Nico stared for a moment, unsure how much she wanted to give away. As it were, there was nothing she could tell Karolina without coming off a complete and utter failure. “I’m not that interesting,” she said instead. “I’d rather talk about you.” She scooped up another forkful of pie to feign nonchalance. “Molly mentioned that you’re taking classes?”

“Oh,” Karolina chuckled nervously. “Yeah, it’s kind of embarrassing.”

“I doubt it,” Nico said with a small smile.

Karolina took a breath, her fork poking at her slice of the pie absently as she spoke. “I, um… God, where do I start? I guess the short version is that I ran away from home eight years ago, so I never finished high school.”

Nico stopped chewing. 

The disbelief on her face must’ve been more than evident when Karolina flashed a sheepish smile of her own. “Yeah…I know.”

“Why?” Nico winced when it came out louder than she intended. “I mean, we don’t have to talk about it.” A few crumbs scattered along the kitchen table in her panic—she groaned, quickly covering her mouth when she realized she still had a forkful if apple pie in her mouth. “Sorry,” she muttered, cheeks pink with embarrassment.

Karolina laughed. “You’re fine,” she said.

Still, Nico put the fork down. “Well, um, do you want to talk about it?”

Karolina shrugged. “It’s not much of a secret,” she said. Despite the feigned nonchalance, she watched Nico carefully, in a guarded way that was, decidedly, not one of Nico’s favourite expressions. Nico didn’t quite know how to reassure her, so she dropped her hands in her lap and waited, feeling strangely out of sorts while Karolina studied her. After a moment, Karolina drew a deep breath. “My mother found out that I…didn’t like boys the way she wanted me to, so I ran. She was…she was my best friend, and when I saw the disappointment on her face, I just…couldn’t. I’ve always known I was different, and I’ve always suspected it wasn’t a good kind of different. But…God is supposed to love everyone, right? I think about her all the time, you know? Just wishing I could talk to her like I used to, but I’ve been so afraid of seeing that face again, so afraid of hearing her thoughts, that I’ve never…yeah.”

Nico, who had unknowingly leaned a little closer, suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to be closer and wrap herself around Karolina, to sink into those shining blue eyes. She clenched her fist on top of her thigh and listened.

“I…wasted a lot of years half-heartedly trying to play music and, I don’t know, survive,” Karolina went on, her voice quiet yet penetrating in the still night. “I wasn’t that serious about music back then. It was just kind of something I could do to feed myself a little bit. I’d learned a bit of guitar in junior high, and I had one at home from back then, so I took it with me. Anyway, I, um, I’ve been considering going to college recently, so I decided to try to get my GED. I’m paying for a couple of classes a week. That’s the short version, kind of. Sorry, that’s not…ah, you probably didn’t have to know all of that, but…there you go. That’s me.” She finished with an embarrassed smile while Nico listened, stunned and ashamed she’d ever assumed that she had Karolina figured out.

“The song,” Nico said lamely.

“Yeah,” Karolina replied with a much more relaxed smile. “The way she sings out her greatest fears, the way she belts out her pain until there’s nothing left inside, like she has nothing left—when I came across that song, it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever heard. I held it very close to my heart, like it was an anthem made for me. Still do.”

“Did you get engaged too?”

“What?”

“In the song.” Nico blushed, not wanting to betray how much the song had haunted her memories since the day she heard it. “There’s a man who puts a ring on the singer’s finger. You changed the lyrics too.”

“Oh,” Karolina laughed. “No, but…for me, it’s always been about the expectation. Knowing what everyone else wanted from me. Doesn’t mean I didn’t try to…not disappoint, I guess? Definitely got my share of heartaches on the road.”

Nico nodded absently as she watched her fork push around the crumbs on her plate, listening. When Karolina finished speaking, she looked up and found her watching her, as if waiting for Nico to get up and break her heart.

As if, Nico thought.

“I don’t really know what to say,” Nico confessed. Unused to such bald-faced honesty, all she could _think_ to say was, “It sounds like it was a lonely time.”

“It was. Incredibly. Among other things.” Karolina’s eyes seemed to bore deeply into her own, as if challenging her to enter into her soul and see for herself. Nico wasn’t sure she’d make it out alive. The air between them was suddenly charged with something indefinable, and Nico’s heartbeat quickened when Karolina seemed to lean closer ever so slightly.

Was she going to kiss her? Could she see how much she _wanted_ her to?

She panicked, then pivoted. “S-so college, huh?” Nico said, leaning back just far enough to break the connection between them. “What are you thinking of studying?”

Karolina’s smile faltered almost imperceptibly when she shifted in her seat, as if she too was trying to orient herself at a safer angle, at a safe distance away from Nico. “Maybe clinical psychology or counselling? Social work? I know it’s a lot of schooling, but…it might be nice, you know? To give back somehow. Somewhere in that field.” She tucked her hair behind her ear. “When I was…out here, I saw a lot of things. I’m sorry if that’s a little vague—I have good memories, but there was a lot of bad too. There’s a lot of people, I realized, that need help. I mean, when you work in a bar, you sort of end up doing this kind of work anyway, but it might be nice to do it in an official way, don’t you think?”

“You’re…really amazing,” Nico whispered. “I’ve known this since the day I watched you perform, but…yeah. You’re just…beyond amazing.”

“Thank you,” Karolina said with a shy smile. “I’m not really, but…I want to be, I guess. And coming from you…it feels special, somehow.”

Nico scoffed. “God, I hope not. I’m nowhere close to what anybody would consider amazing.”

In a move that surprised them both, Karolina leaned closer and placed her hand on hers. Nico hadn’t realized how much she missed the contact until they connected again, and had to remind herself not to get used to it. Karolina’s eyes, magnetic and charged with something undefinable, bore into her own once more. Whatever that had passed between them earlier seemed to reignite at the snap of a finger. “Tell me more,” she seemed to say.

Nico squirmed a little, but it wasn’t the discomfort of pouring her soul out to Karolina. Rather, it was the discomfort of finding so _little_ discomfort. Her story seemed to sit at the edge of her tongue, lined up and ready to leap out in faith. Perhaps it was because Karolina was a near stranger, far removed from her life. Or perhaps it was because she was here, offering a slice of warm apple pie, a warm hand, and a warm, almost affectionate, gaze.

“I really want to know more about you,” Karolina whispered, her voice wavering. “When you’re ready.”

“I…don’t know what to tell you,” Nico said slowly. Her fist balled on the tabletop beneath Karolina’s palm. “Or where to begin. I’m not that interesting. Hey, um, you don’t have anything to drink, do you?” She tried to smile, tried to lighten the mood. Tried not to expose how much she _really_ wanted that drink.

Karolina shook her head. “Only tea. Would you like some?”

“No, that’s okay.” She sighed, then surprisingly, found her heart opening without her consent. “It’s just…I guess the crux of it is that I drink a lot and I fool around a lot. Like, way more than anybody should. It used to be a choice, but now I’m just not...not really someone anybody would be proud of.” Karolina tilted her head, silently encouraging her to go on.

Nico blew out a long breath to gather her thoughts and prolong the moment before shame would inevitably step in. She reminded herself to loosen her grip on the fork in her hand, then placed it down and ducked her eyes. “I’ve never really spoken to anybody about this, but I…often think about how much better it would be if things happened differently two years ago.”

Karolina squeezed her hand.

Nico took a deep breath. “My sister, Amy, is…amazing. She was all set to take over my family’s company. She was my mother’s pride and joy. I didn’t mind—my mother and I have a rocky relationship, and I was happy to work behind the scenes. I had all these plans anyway—I wanted to travel, to see things, to learn things, to help my sister build the business. Then, one day…it was all gone.” She paused, trying her best to hold back the tears that prickled her eyes. Karolina had moved closer, her hand now wrapped tightly around her own, her eyes reflecting the kind of pain Nico had only previously seen in the mirror. “I was driving my sister to work one day. We were bickering about something stupid—I don’t remember what—and I wasn’t paying attention at the intersection. I was turning left—a speeding car came and slammed into the passenger side. Our car spun into oncoming traffic. Hit one of the cars waiting for the light. A real shitshow, really. The guy speeding died immediately, and my sister…my sister…she…” Nico held her eyes with her free hand, trying to say the words that’d been haunting her for the past two years. “She fell into a coma, then just…never woke up.”

She inhaled deeply, then exhaled. “My mother blamed me, of course. Still does. We haven’t spoken very much since, and I can’t help but wish that I should’ve traded places with her. Everyone would be better off. Including me. All I do is find ways to forget.” She smiled humourlessly. “Blowing through the trust fund my parents had set up for me is about the only thing I’m good at. Amy—I bet she would’ve made something of herself. Fuck, sorry, this is so fucking depressing, I’m just—”

“Nico,” Karolina said, pulling her in and wrapping her up in her arms. Nico stiffened immediately—when was the last time she’d received a hug? She felt the rise and fall of Karolina’s chest against her own and with each steady breath, she felt herself letting go and getting swept away in the feeling. Her arms came up, then wrapped themselves around Karolina’s middle. Safe. Comfortable. It was a strange, foreign feeling, but not unpleasant in the least. Her cheek pressed against Karolina’s shoulder, and she felt her entire body melt into her like it had been designed for this very purpose. “I’m sorry you had to deal with all of this on your own,” Karolina whispered. “You must’ve been very lonely too.”

Nico nodded.

“I understand.”

Nico squeezed her closer.

“This might be entirely selfish, but I’m glad you’re alive. I’m glad I got to meet you and share my apple pie with you.” She felt Karolina’s smile against her neck, and she felt a warm tingle down her spine.

“Thank you.”

* * *

Nico awoke the next morning in a place she did not recognize. White curtains were blowing through an open bay window to her left. She squinted through the sunlight—a tree waved outside, and the sound of birdsong filled the air. Unlike her own apartment, which usually smelled like alcohol, sex, and the occasional cigarette, this place was all fresh flowers and citrus. She rustled against the soft, silky sheets, and stilled when something warm tightened against her stomach.

There was a stranger here, yet it didn’t smell like alcohol or sex. She blinked at the alarm clock by her head, confused. It was only seven, but the world seemed so still. Even the constant ringing in her head was barely present. Slowly, she peeled off the hand around her middle and turned, her heart stopping at the sight of Karolina’s sleeping face, her hair golden in the soft, morning light. She closed her eyes and opened them again, wondering if it were a dream. In the second it took before Karolina reached out for her again, laying her arm atop her hip, she realized they were both clothed. She breathed a silent sigh of relief and chose not to wonder why.

For a long while, she watched her sleep. With her lips parted, her cheeks rosy from warmth, and her hair framing her face, she was of a different world. She wanted to reach out and touch her, as easily as Karolina had laid her hand on her back, but it felt wrong, dirty, to hold something so beautiful in her hands.

She remembered, then, that they had been here last night, side by side, hands entwined, and they had talked all through the night. Karolina told her about her mother, and how she missed her. She’d tried to reconnect, had tried to bring her an apple pie, but couldn’t bear to face her after all these years. Even if she forgave her sexuality, she’d wasted all these years with nothing to show for it. Nico had closed her eyes and said she understood, wondering out loud whether she’d ever find that sort of closure with her own mother. The thought had surprised her as soon as she’d left her mouth, having never realized it was something she wanted before.

They talked about music, about books they used to love, about their old dreams, and about their friends. Nico talked about the parties, the plane tickets, and the people she met—leaving out the details of her most recent trend of anonymous lovers. She talked about Gert, the love and guilt that warred on her emotions whenever she was with her. She talked about the last two years and how it went by in a blur of neon lights. How she seldom remembered anything. How she craved for more than her own imagine. 

Karolina described her own adventures, thumbing rides and jumping from bar to bar, town to town, state to state. Everything seemed to come and go, ebb and flow, bad habits and good vibes all the same. She described the two weeks she’d been homeless, living on a park bench, a time she never wanted to relive. She talked about the friends she made along the way: the ones she missed and the ones who disappeared. She talked about her routines, the steady rhythm of her life, and the gaping hole that, too, craved for more than her own imagination.

In the end, they never got around to the promised coffee, and had fallen asleep hours after Karolina’s phone reminded her to go to bed.

Nico couldn’t remember the last time she’d slept so well and woke up so at peace.

She froze—in her reminiscence, she’d absentmindedly brushed a lock of hair away from Karolina’s eyes, and Karolina stirred. Her heart raced—did she wake her? Was this peace going to come crashing down on them now? Once she left this bed, would they see each other again? Nico stiffly retracted her hand. She decided that she never wanted to leave.

When Karolina’s eyes finally fluttered open, they were a stark blue-grey, and Nico found herself unable to look away.

“Hi,” Karolina said, her voice still thick with sleep.

Nico smiled easily in spite of the knots twisting anxiously around her stomach. “Hi,” she responded.

Karolina sighed, sinking a little deeper into her pillow, and made no move to move her hand where it laid, fingertips resting warmly at her hip, just underneath the hem of Nico’s shirt. “Did you sleep well?” She asked.

Nico told her the truth: “Better than I have in years.”

Karolina’s smile broadened. “Good. Maybe you should come over for pie more often.”

“I’d like to.”

To both their surprise, Nico then inched forward and, pressed her lips against Karolina’s. It lasted only a second, just long enough to convey something Nico couldn’t find the words for, but it seemed to be enough. For Nico, it had to be, no matter how soft she was or how perfectly they fit together. Karolina wasn’t given time to respond, but her cheeks were pink when Nico retreated back to her side of the bed, nervous smiles lingering on both their expressions.

“Does…does that mean you like me enough to do this again?” Karolina asked, a slow, triumphant smile soon spreading.

Nico tugged at her bottom lip. “It scares me how much I like you,” she admitted softly.

When Karolina didn’t immediately respond, Nico thought for sure she’d fucked up rushing into such a confession. When her smile faltered, she thought for sure she was trying to find a nice way to kick her out of her bed. Nico felt something begin to cave in inside of her—God, who possessed her and stole all her walls away from her? She was completely exposed, vulnerable, and completely foolish to let her fantasies run her into the ground.

But Karolina lifted her hand from Nico’s hip, and brought it up to caress her cheek. She smiled in a way that made Nico feel whole again. “It’s funny,” she said, “I’ve been thinking that since the first time I saw you.”

Nico chuckled and placed her hand on Karolina’s as relief seeped into her body. “The day you saw me making a fool of myself when I almost passed out in the booth?” She asked with what she hoped to be a relaxed and easy grin.

Karolina blushed, and shook her head. “Earlier.”

Nico raised her brow.

“Okay, it’a going to sound insane…and maybe a little creepy. You see, um, a little while after Molly started, we had a particularly slow day. We were just talking about friends and family—stuff like that—and she ended up showing me a picture of you.”

Nico squeezed her eyes shut. “I bet I know the one,” she mumbled.

Karolina laughed. It was a sound Nico realized she may never tire of, even if it was at her expense. “Halloween? You were in a cute, little pumpkin costume, and you’re standing there, eyes closed, just before something was being dumped all over you.”

Nico rolled her eyes good-naturedly at the memory. “Yeah, that was, what, three? Four years ago? If I remember correctly, it was slime and glitter, and it was Gert and Molly dumping that stuff out of frame.”

“That’s it,” Karolina said, grinning as her thumb caressed Nico’s cheek. “It’s a pretty magnificent photo. You looked so free and unafraid.”

“Yeah? I haven’t seen it in years. I think—I’m pretty sure—Amy was the one to take that photo. Set up the whole thing as a ridiculously elaborate prank.”

“You’re…really special, Nico.” Karolina paused and cringed. “That was a bit cheesy, wasn’t it? But it’s true—you really are.”

Nico nodded slowly, awed by the reverence on Karolina’s face. Awed by how easily it was to believe her, if only for this moment.

They shared a smile, tender and intimate, and Karolina leaned in to kiss her again, but Nico pulled back. Her heart tugged with guilt when she saw the hurt flicker in Karolina’s expression, but, knowing this was for the best, she soldiered on. “Listen,” Nico said, her voice shakier than she’d expected, “You’re amazing…I can’t even begin to describe how much. Meeting you has been the best thing to have happened to me in a long, long time, and you really…really deserve better than me.”

She shifted her gaze to the space between them, wondering if she was rushing in too fast, being a whole lot more presumptuous than she should. Maybe Karolina just wanted a kiss, she told herself. It should be easy enough to give in, but Nico could not deny the truth: she wouldn’t be able to bear a second kiss—not if she were to find it devoid of promise.

Karolina watched her, saying nothing. Something told her that she wasn’t just looking for a second kiss. Something screamed at her to see how important Karolina was going to be to her, and Nico didn’t know what to do.

When Nico finally spoke again, her voice was soft, almost quivering as she felt herself being pulled toward Karolina, felt herself needing to comfort her, reassure her of something she did not fully comprehend. Tentatively, she reached out and touched Karolina’s cheek, and was rewarded with a small smile that seemed to strengthen the inexplicable trust tethered between them. “Karolina,” she said slowly, “you have to understand that I…I have…a lot...going on in my brain and you don’t deserve to be dragged in.”

When Karolina opened her mouth to protest, Nico withdrew her hand and pressed a finger to her lips. “I’m a black hole, Karolina. I’ll suck you in and crush you into nothing, and I…like you too much to make you go through that.”

The returning disappointment was evident on Karolina’s face. Words seemed to be ready to burst, but Nico shook her head, and Karolina physically swallowed them down to allow her to continue.

“I know we haven’t know each other for a long time,” Nico went on, her eyes flitting from Karolina’s face to the wall behind her head. “And…and even though our feelings seem to be mutual,” Karolina nodded, “my life right now isn’t prepared for something as big as you.”

Karolina took her hand in hers, gently pulling it from her face to her mattress. “Nico,” she said simply. Her pleading eyes seemed to say the rest.

“As much as I want to see you again, I don’t want to make any promises I can’t keep.” Nico inhaled deeply. “But I want to try. I…I hope you’ll give me some time. The truth is…alcohol isn’t my only escape. I’ve been accused so many times of escaping into physical human affection—especially…um, sex, and I don’t want that to be our relationship. I-I mean, I do. Kind of. B-but not _just_ that. I want to…be better. I want to…to feel good enough to ask you out on a real date.”

Karolina’s eyes widened slightly, a bright smile finally returning to her lips. “Really?”

Nico blushed. “I want to.”

“Then I’ll wait.”

“Okay,” Nico whispered.

“Can we still be friends?” Karolina asked. Her blue eyes seemed to sparkle beneath her long lashes. They held so much hope that Nico almost found herself diving in and taking it all back. Her heart sank when her mind suddenly sent her flashes of her last week like a rewinding tape, of driving drunk and passing out, of despair and self-loathing.

No, Karolina deserved better. Run far, far away, Karolina. She swallowed her emotions and silenced her spiraling thoughts.

“Of course.” She didn’t expect her voice to crack.

Then, Karolina surprised her by planting a quick kiss on her lips, just enough for Nico to feel the potential burning between them. Her heart squeezed when Karolina grinned. “Just returning your platonic kiss.”

“Okay,” Nico mumbled, feeling the warmth spread to the tips of her ears. “But you better not do that again.” It’s dangerous, she wanted to add.

Karolina chuckled. “Then I’ll wait patiently for the real thing.”

Nico nodded, trying to ignore how pleasant it was to feel the butterflies waltz in her stomach.

* * *

When Nico returned to her apartment later that morning after a simple breakfast, easy conversation, and an anxious drive, she found herself taking a long, hard look at her life—starting at her door. There was a long scratch across it, just deep enough into the paint for it to be visible. She looked at it all the time, but never really noticed it. Nor could she remember what caused it.

Really, she couldn’t remember much of anything these last few years.

When she turned the key and walked in, the room was shrouded in complete darkness. It smelled stale and lonely, and, as Nico peeled a pair of pants off her lamp, she cringed. It was a stark contrast to the clean and airy brightness of Karolina’s modest one-bedroom. She picked up an empty whiskey bottle off the floor and looked at the label, realizing just then that she never really understood what she’d been drinking all this time. It was almost a hundred-thirty proof, and she wasn’t picky. The thought only expanded the emptiness she felt as she stood in the darkness of her apartment.

A thought suddenly crossed her mind: how in the hell was she _ever_ going to feel good enough to be with a girl as bright and beautiful as Karolina? What could she possibly find desirable in an empty soul like her own? She looked at the bottle in her hand—she didn’t even know how to enjoy the thing she spent the most time with.

She couldn’t forget the way her reflection shone in Karolina’s eyes, but she couldn’t shake the doubts either. What if she’d projected her own feelings onto her? Nico swallowed the anxious feeling building up in her throat.

She stood there, holding the bottle and the pair of pants. Her eyes adjusted to the dark, but, afraid to see the true state of her apartment, she made no move the pull the curtains back. Instead, she dropped the things she was carrying and walked over to the alcohol cabinet.

Identical bottles of golden-brown lined up inside, crammed next to cheap wine and a twenty-four pack of cheap beer. She’d restocked this just recently, and now they seemed to taunt her. When she thought about how much damage this cabinet had done to her life, she was torn between smashing and drinking them. Knowing she could never truly smash something so precious, she took out a glass and one of the bottles.

An image of Karolina’s worried expression flashed through her mind, followed by Gert and her big sorrowful eyes. Then Molly, who loved her and missed her still.

Her fingers stilled on the rim of her glass.

Even if everything with Karolina had been a lie, her friends were real. The gauntlet she put Gert through every time she left Los Angeles—that was real. The exuberance Molly greeted her with every time, no matter what state she was in—that was real too.

And, who was she kidding? Karolina—she knew this as an unshakable fact deep within—was real too. Their connection, despite the noise in her brain, was real. They could have something amazing.

Nico tightened her grip on the neck of the bottle. If she could just put it down, then maybe. Maybe.

She unscrewed the cap. Would the risk be worth it? Without the help, she’d be alone with her thoughts. How could she survive?

She began to tip the bottle over the glass, but suddenly, she thought about Karolina once more. She thought about the safety and warmth of her hand on her hip, and how those attentive blue eyes seemed to soothe the pain of talking about Amy. She thought about being able to wake up like that every morning, at peace. In a clean room. Sober.

Finally, she put the bottle down, took a deep breath, and pulled out a phone.

Gert answered in two rings, her voice truly incredulous. “Nico?”

“I need help.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Friday, everybody! Thank you so much for all the kudos and lovely comments so far. I look forward to those very much, and it means a lot to see my work appreciated too! So, here is the next chapter. Earlier than intended! 
> 
> I should say that I personally have not experienced anything close to what Karolina and Nico are going through in this story, so if there are nuances that I'm missing in my ignorance, I apologize. Though that may be the case, I think certain emotions that come of these situations are universal, though they may be to different degrees. I hope you will continue following these characters on their journeys of growth and I hope you find peace in your own lives too, wherever you may be and in whatever you may be doing :) 
> 
> Here are a few songs for this chapter:  
> Bad Habit - Your Smith  
> Die Wild - Dia Frampton  
> Chasing Parties - Sasha Sloan  
> My Mistake + Kintsugi - Gabrielle Aplin  
> Whiskey and Morphine - Alexander Jean


	3. Chapter 3

Gert and Chase were more than a little worried when they arrived at Nico’s door, each carrying a large cardboard box as they’d been asked to do. They’d been worried since Gert got the call an hour ago. Nico hadn’t elaborated. Gert tried to hope for the best, but could only imagine the worse—that was happening more and more often with Nico, and she had to repeatedly remind herself to have faith in her best friend. Besides, _she_ reached out. Something was different about her. In a good way. So, she shouldn’t be worrying. There wasn’t anything to worry about. Right?

“Babe, you’re practically shaking,” Chase said gingerly.

“Sorry, I’m just…”

“Worried, I know.” Chase shrugged in spite of the slight furrow in his brow. “Maybe she’s turning over a new leaf, you know?”

“Maybe,” Gert sighed. “I mean, it’s one o’clock and she sounded wide awake. More awake than she’s been in a long time, now that I think about it.”

“So, it’s probably a good thing,” Chase said, smiling.

Gert found herself mirroring his smile. “Yeah.”

Chase turned to the door and gave three solid knocks. Within half a minute, the door was open, and Nico was looking at them, a little frazzled and as pale as usual, but she was fully dressed. More than that, the permanent bags under her eyes had faded slightly, her dark eyes shining. And she was _smiling_.

“Uh, Nico?” Gert said. “Are you...is everything okay?”

Nico nodded, then, to Gert’s further surprise, she grabbed the empty box from her, tossed it to the floor, and swamped her up in a tight hug.

Gert exchanged a wide-eyed look with Chase, who was looking back at her like he’d seen a ghost.

“Nico? Are you okay?” She asked tentatively.

Nico nodded and pulled away, her eyes holding a familiar sadness this time as she looked out into the empty hallway. “Yeah…yeah, I’m okay,” she said. Her voice was low and humming with pent-up emotion. “I’m just…happy to see you guys. I’ve been thinking a lot about…my life and…and I think it’s time to admit that you were right, Gert. I need help, and I don’t know where to start.”

“Oh my god, Nico.” Gert was crying before she could cross the threshold to fully embrace her friend. She’d been waiting for this day for so long that she’d forgotten she was waiting for it. She wrapped her arms around Nico’s shoulders, only vaguely aware of Chase coming in to snake his arms around the two of them. He, too, was shaking.

When they finally broke away from each other, it felt like a heavy blanket had lifted from their entire world. Though things were just beginning to look up, Gert felt hopeful for the first time in a long time, and she hoped for it to stay that way.

She crossed the room, and empowered by a small nod from Nico, pulled aside the dark curtains. All three of them flinched when the light flooded through the room. Nico hugged herself closer at the sight of the mess.

“Shall we start cleaning up?” Chase said, grinning. Nico looked up at him and flashed him a small smile in return, visibly relieved as if she expected them to run away or chastise her for the state of her room. Gert felt a stab of guilt for building up those expectations.

“I’ll start with the alcohol,” Gert said, ambling back to the door to pick up the boxes they’d left behind.

“They’re over there,” Nico pointed.

Gert paused, then looked around the room and realized this was the first time she’d really seen it. She took in the somber grey walls, the thick black curtains, and the dirty grey carpet. When the curtains opened, it was a modern, open space, minimalistic with a single king-sized bed as the focal point and a clean, white kitchen—complete with a small marble-topped island, just big enough for two bar stools—off to the side. When the curtains closed, it must’ve been a dungeon.

Nico had purchased the studio apartment shortly after Amy’s death, unable to stomach living with her parents and being in such close proximity to the constant reminders of her absence. She’d fallen into bad habits early, and Gert never found the courage to brave inside the darkness of this apartment. Had she been so complacent with her friend’s silent misery so early on?

“Gert?” Nico’s voice behind her brought her back to the present. “Are you okay?”

Gert turned. “Yeah.” She tried to smile, but found it extraordinarily difficult in that moment. “I just, um, realized I’ve never been in here.”

Nico chuckled. “Why would you? Look at this place. It’s disgusting.” She gestured to the clothes strewn around the room, the empty bottles, dirty takeout containers piled by the bed, and the gross, stained carpet.

Gert sighed. “I just can’t help but feel like I should’ve pulled the curtains open for you much, much earlier.”

Nico crossed the room and touched her arm. “I would’ve bitten your head off,” she said simply. “You…you tried your best, Gert. Please don’t blame yourself for my mistakes.”

Gert sniffled. “I let you suffer by yourself in here.”

Chase now joined them, wrapping an arm silently around Gert’s shoulders. Nico shook her head. “Don’t,” she said. “Don’t even go there. Please. I don’t want to dwell anymore. I know I’ve been hurting you and Molly for so long, and for that I’m…really sorry. I’ve always known, I just…didn’t know what to do. You always did your best, and I see that now, so please, let’s move forward, okay?”

Gert looked at her in disbelief. “God, what happened to you?” She laughed. “Who are you and what have you done with my best friend?”

Nico blushed. “I think…maybe…Karolina happened to me,” she said, scratching the back of her neck sheepishly. “She showed me...possibilities. And, yeah, maybe there’s more to life than running away.”

Gert dropped the box she was carrying, her jaw unhinged. Chase looked equally taken aback. Their faces were so comically shocked that Nico could barely stifle a burst of laughter.

“Karolina?” Gert mumbled in a daze. “The singer? Molly’s friend?”

Nico nodded.

Gert slapped a hand on Nico’s shoulder. “Tell me everything.”

As they emptied the alcohol cabinet into the boxes, Nico recounted yesterday’s impromptu date. Every detail was clear as day, and it filled her with joy to relive it again alongside her friends’ excitement for her. She left out the bit where she was driving way too drunk, the private details of their late night conversation, and the way she felt under Karolina’s adoring gaze that morning, but it was enough, it seemed, for her friends to see how the night had made her feel.

“Please tell me you’re seeing her again,” Gert said at the end of the story. She picked up an empty bottle, adding it to the small collection in her arms, while Nico began tossing clothes into a laundry bag. When Nico didn’t reply, she shot her a look. “ _Please_. The woman deserves an award.”

Nico shrugged. “We talked about it…kind of. I like her a lot but…right now, I’m…you know.”

“You got her number at least, right?”

Nico shook her head. The memory of Karolina’s crestfallen expression when she’d refused to give her her number was probably going to haunt her for a while. “We agreed it was better if we didn’t exchange numbers,” Nico lied.

Gert’s brow furrowed. “What, why?” The spike of annoyance in her tone raised Nico’s defences way up.

“It’s for the best,” she replied.

“For who?”

Nico groaned, running her hand over her face as she tried to keep her anger at bay. But the way Gert looked at her now, like she didn’t know she’d fucked it all up before they’d even begun—she took a deep breath. Closed her eyes so she wouldn’t imagine the disappointment swimming through Gert’s brain.

“Nico,” Gert said gently. “I’m not mad, okay? I’m just confused. It sounded like a great night.”

The fight suddenly left Nico like a deflated balloon. “It was. I can’t explain it, Gert, but it’s like…I know she’s special. Too special, and I…I really, really don’t want to mess this up. If I had her number, I’d…I don’t know—I don’t want to burden her with all my bullshit. Unless I can be better, I’m going to be a fucking black hole forever.”

“You told her you’re a black hole?”

“No,” Nico muttered. Gert raised a brow. “Shut up.”

Gert sighed. “You’re not a black hole.”

Nico shrugged again, her gaze melancholy and far away. “I just don’t have anything to offer right now, and I don’t want to blow it, okay? At the very least, I want to feel like I’m capable of treating her the way she deserves to be treated. I never want to hurt her, Gert, and—and, as I am…I just know I will.”

“She knows all of this about you—who’s to say you can’t just, I don’t know, figure it out together?”

But Nico shook her head. “All I know right now is that I want to be a better person for her. Even if it takes my whole life.”

“Nico,” Chase said. He’d been quiet throughout the exchange, allowing space for the two friends to catch up, and the low timbre of his voice garnered the sudden attention of two pairs of eyes. He raised both hands. “I’m sorry if I’m out of line here, because it sounds very romantic and all, but I just—I have to ask—what about you? what do you want to do with your life?”

Nico gaped at him. “What are you talking about?”

“I know it’s a big question,” Chase said, smiling sheepishly, “but…you know, I’ve seen this. Like, love is…can be…great. Inspiring, and all that.” Nico opened her mouth to veto the word, but Chase held up a hand and went on. “Love is great—I see it every day with Gert, and I’m the luckiest man alive because of that. But… love is also what kept my mom from leaving my asshole dad for twenty-plus years. It’s what got her caught up in that awful cycle. She gave up everything for love, y’know? The good and the bad.” Gert squeezed his shoulder sympathetically—his parents’ messy divorce took a huge toll on him, and even now, almost four years later, the wounds were just beginning to heal. He ducked his head with a shy, sheepish smile directed at the floor. “As amazing as Karolina seems to be, she can’t be your sole motivation in life, you know what I mean? She can’t be everything. She’s human too and probably has her own bullshit going on. It’s dangerous, and…well, don’t get me wrong, because I’m happy as hell for you, but it’s also kind of fast. Think about it—you’re changing your world for a girl you’ve known for two days. What if—what if it doesn’t work out the way you thought it would? I just don’t want to see you get hurt. I don’t want,” he glanced around the room, then at Gert, who gave him a nod, “y’know, more of this. You need something else. So... what do you want to do?”

If he had asked the question even twenty-four hours ago, Nico would’ve felt her temper flare in place of a halfway decent answer, but now, laid bare after so much honesty, she simply shrugged and added one more truth to the growing pile: “I don’t have a clue.”

“You don’t have to have an answer right now,” Gert said, moving to stand next to Chase with an armful of empty bottles, “but Chase is right. You’ve…lost a lot, so…”

“I get it,” Nico sighed. “I do, but just…let me have this right now, okay? I’ll think about it. It’s all so new.” Gert and Chase nodded, though their discomfort was still palpable. Nico smiled, hoped her friends could see that she was telling the truth—she did understand. More than they could ever know, since they weren’t the ones to wake up in heaven beside Karolina that very morning. She simply wasn’t ready to face the question head-on, not when her blood was still pumping and she felt so genuinely alive for the first time.

With a chuckle to cut the tension, Nico added, “Hell, I’m still high on the fact that I remember what happened last night, so who knows what I’ll do next? I could, like, learn something—fuck, I don’t know. I feel like I could take over the world right now.”

“Sure. You can start by joining my book club. You know how much you want to debate the applications of twentieth century feminist literature in our modern world,” Gert offered a teasing smile as the apprehension faded. “Or, if you want, you’re always free to shadow the set.”

“If you like low-budget indie movies,” Chase supplied with an affectionate chuckle. “And visual media for the kind of discourse she loves so much.”

Nico made a face. “Yeah, I’d rather set my hair on fire.”

“Wow, harsh,” Gert said, rolling her eyes. “At least it would add some colour to your look.”

Nico looked down and the black tank top and black jeans combo she sported, and shrugged. “Honestly, you’re probably right.”

“You’d look hot,” Chase grinned, elbowing Gert in the side triumphantly.

“Get out,” was Gert’s immediate reply.

They laughed, and finally, for the first time in two years, it felt just like it used to.

* * *

After a somewhat sporadic night’s sleep, punctuated by fragments of anxious dreams, Nico quickly found her first day of sobriety tortuously long. She’d kept the curtains open, as she’d promised Gert. Now that her apartment was clean, it felt bigger, less stifling than it used to when the sunlight streamed through.

Even with a nice, bright space, breakfast only took all of ten minutes. She took a shower, washed up, and threw on a sweater . She glanced at her phone—it was only eight. She returned to the bathroom, played around with her makeup a bit, despite knowing that she would not having the motivation to go outside today.

Nine o’clock rolled by slowly.

Nico laid in bed, _bored_.

She wanted a drink.

With her alcohol cabinet empty, however, she was left with nothing but _thoughts._ Mostly, she thought about Karolina, a welcome addition to the tangled ball mess inside her mind. She thought about her smile, her twinkling eyes, and what it would be like to wake up beside her again. If it were just that, Nico might be able to get through her days, daydreaming until change befell her in some unexpected way. Thinking about Karolina was easy—she’d conjured up a thousand scenarios to sweep her off her feet.

But the thing that _really_ made her ache for her whiskey wasn’t Karolina. It was Chase. Chase’s words haunted her whenever thoughts of Karolina strayed toward reality—Karolina couldn’t be everything. Deep, deep down, she conceded that it made sense, but what else did she have? A career? Her family’s company? It was the most logical career trajectory, given she had little experience elsewhere, but she hadn’t thought about it in so long. Even if she wanted it, it seemed far out of her reach. It hurt her head.

She didn’t want to think about her future.

What if Chase was wrong? Maybe Karolina _was_ everything. 

It wouldn’t be fair, she knew. Chase was right, but that meant dealing with her life beyond Karolina. Even if her faith in Karolina’s reciprocating affection for her was oscillating at best, she clung to ideas of her like a lifeline. It was easier than thinking about her family.

God, why did she have to start thinking about her family?

Despite her best efforts, her parents continued to sneak through her consciousness. As she laid in bed, her thoughts inevitably led to the past she could not let go—no matter what she told herself. Before the accident, all she ever wanted was to help her sister run Wizard. She was going to be the administrative one, running the business side of things while her sister charmed the board and made all the hard choices.

But now? The girl who looked ready to take on the world in that old photograph was long gone.

Memories of two years ago floated to the surface. Her mother, striking her hard across the face. Her father, crumpled and broken, unable to meet her eye.

They would never forgive her.

She wished she could go back in time and crawl back into Karolina’s bed. The answers just seemed so clear that day. And now she understood nothing.

She could feel her thoughts slipping down that slippery, dark slope, and, without the aid of liquor, she turned on her laptop. Years ago, Gert had given her her Netflix password, and watching TV seemed a better way to cope than laying in bed and staring at the ceiling.

God, what did normal people do with their days?

Fifteen hours later, she went to bed, hopefully never to wake up.

* * *

The moon was pouring in through her open window when she suddenly woke up in a cold sweat.

It’d been months since she had this dream, but as she sat up, clutching her blankets like her life depended on it, it was as as vivid as ever. She’d seen this moment in her memories a million times, quashed it down with her distractions a million times, but now, awake and sober, she could not stop looping the dream over and over in her mind.

It was a simple one: her hands on the steering wheel, yelling at the person beside her. It was always silent, but she always knew she was yelling. She glances at the passenger—Amy, dressed in a pressed grey suit and a navy blouse, though the colours weren’t always the same—she’s yelling too, then—

Red lights.

Crushed metal.

Amy’s face, contorted in fear as the glass shards fly.

It smells like burning rubber.

Blood drips down Amy’s face as their world spins and scrapes and crushes them.

Nico rubbed her face with both hands, and dropped her hands on her blanket. Her fingers were wet with tears and caked with yesterday’s makeup. She looked around and tried to steady her breathing. Slowly, slowly, she eased herself back down and tried to go back to bed.

Fitful hours later, the sun came up, orange in its early morning light and a gentle breeze blew through the crack in her window. Her eyes fluttered open and she smiled, remembering a similar moment of serenity in Karolina’s room. Well, sort of similar. Her room was just a little colder, and a whole lot lonelier.

She reached for her phone—it was only six.

Unsure what to do other than wait for the clock hands to crawl, she got up to go to the bathroom. She took her time removing herself makeup, took her time taking a long shower, then took her time reapplying her makeup, playing around with different colours and palettes until she was satisfied.

Later, she peered into the fridge for breakfast. She’d eaten the last of her eggs yesterday, and now her fridge was almost completely empty. At least the supermarket will help pass the time, she sighed internally. Just as she closed her fridge door, however, her phone began to ring.

It was Gert.

“Hey,” Nico said casually, sitting down on her bed. She pulled her legs up and sat cross-legged, feeling strangely like she was thirteen again, chatting with her best friend on the phone because the world was so much simpler then.

“Morning, Nico. You picked up pretty quick,” Gert chuckled. “I was, like, eighty-seven percent sure you’d still be sleeping.”

“Couldn’t sleep,” Nico replied.

“Figured you’d be bored. That’s why I called. Chase said you watched, like, a _lot_ of really random TV last night. Like, all three seasons of _Nailed it_? Really? And _72 Cutest Animals_ —gotta love a TV show that sounds like clickbait.”

“Shut up.” Nico furrowed her brow. “And how did he know?”

“Privacy is dead, my friend. Plus, he pays for the account, so he can see your activity.”

Nico sighed, picking at the fabric of her sheets. “The day is so long, Gert. It’s way too much time for thinking. What do people usually do with all this time?”

Gert’s laugh fluttered through her phone, and Nico, feeling like an idiot, felt her cheeks flare along with her temper. Fortunately, Gert spoke before Nico could react. “You can do whatever you want, Nico,” she said. Her voice was gentle, non-patronizing, and Nico felt her anger dissolve into embarrassment. “Most people have jobs and complain about them. Takes up the whole day. You could try out different hobbies?”

Nico opened her mouth, but Gert went on, excitement building. “You could take a class! I can give you some links to free university classes and stuff. It’s a thing people do to try out things they like.”

“Do I have to go outside?”

“Wow, you sound like your dog just died. You can’t stay inside forever you know? Here’s a thought: instead of staying inside and watching Netflix, why not head down to a coffee shop and try a course? If I remember correctly, there’s one down the block, maybe a three minute walk, tops. They should have food. Your fridge had like two eggs in it, and I’m pretty sure you ate them yesterday.”

Nico rolled her eyes. “God, you’re creepy sometimes. It’s like you’re spying on my brain. I’ll think about it. Do I have to go by myself?”

Gert chuckled. “Thank you. And, sorry, we’re shooting today. But hey, we can grab dinner tonight if you want.”

Nico’s heart skipped. “Where?”

As if sensing her distress, Gert said, “Anywhere you want. I would suggest Timely again so we can get Molly since she’s working the earlier shift, but I also understand if you don’t want to go.”

“Well,” Nico murmured, “it’s not like I don’t want to go, obviously. And…and we _did_ agree to be friends, so I’m not supposed to avoid her.” Gert listened patiently as Nico reasoned out loud. “I also don’t want to avoid the place forever because, obviously, I want to see Molly too.”

“Okay.”

“But is it too soon? It’s only been two? Three days? And it was just one date, even though we never officially called it that, so I probably shouldn’t overthink it, but—”

“Hey, Nico?”

Nico took a deep breath. “What?”

“Let’s go to Timely tonight.”

“Okay.”

* * *

It was a little after seven when Nico arrived at the bar. She walked in and looked around, noticing for the first time that clocks of various shapes and sizes hung from the ceilings among the emerald green lamps and golden fixtures. She couldn’t help but wonder what other things she didn’t notice.

Gert and Molly were already seated in the same booth as last time. Her eyes did a quick scan of the bar before she headed over, and was both disappointed and relieved when Karolina was nowhere to be found.

“Have you guys ever noticed the clocks on the ceiling?” Nico said, sliding into the seat next to Molly.

“Nice to see you too, Nico,” Gert said drily. “And yes, it’s usually the first thing people notice.”

Molly laughed. “The clocks are cool, right?”

Nico ignored Gert. “They’re pretty cool,” she agreed, flashing Molly a grin. “It’s nice to notice things you never noticed before. You see the world a little differently, somehow.”

Molly sent Gert an incredulous look, but Gert only smiled. She then turned to Nico and squeezed her tight in her arms. Nico flinched in surprise, but did not move away. “What was that for?” She asked when Molly pulled back.

“Nothing,” she replied with a watery grin, “I just missed you, Nico.”

“Oh.” She smiled, embarrassed. “Missed you too, Mols.”

They soon fell into easy conversation about their days, pausing in between only to order and receive food—Gert felt a burst of pride when Nico ordered a glass of orange juice without prompting. Gert talked about her movie, and Nico, to her friends’ surprise and joy, had spent the afternoon in a coffee shop poking around the websites Gert had suggested. She’d settled on a beginner’s bird-watching course. “Birds are nice,” she explained with a shrug. “Thought it might motivate me to go out to a park or something.”

Meanwhile, Molly worked the earlier shift, and had spent most of the afternoon consoling a young guy who had lost his job earlier in the day.

“Then he kept bugging me for my number and wouldn’t take no for an answer, so my boss gave me permission to douse him in cold water,” Molly went on, her hands dramatically re-enacting the scene as she spoke. “He was pretty pissed, but once he calmed down, he apologized. Poor guy. He seemed nice.”

“You think everyone is nice, Molly,” Nico said, rolling her eyes. “I would’ve decked him.”

“Jesus, Nico, you’re like one of those tiny, yappy dogs that think they’re two-hundred pound mastiffs,” Gert said.

Molly, who had taken a sip of water, nearly spat it out across the table. “Oh my god, Gert!” She cried, dissolving into giggles.

“I’m not wrong,” Gert laughed.

Nico threw a fry at Gert. “That’s so rude,” she said, despite the smile tugging at the corner of her lips. “But speaking of tiny, yappy dogs, how’s Lace?”

Gert stared. “You _have_ to know she’s a Rottweiler mix, right? She’s probably taller than you when she stands.” Molly clutched her stomach now, tears in her eyes as she laughed.

“Hey guys, can I get you anything else?”

Nico felt her stomach drop at the sound of the new voice at their table.

“Karolina!” Molly cried, raising her arms in excitement.

“Hi Molly. Hello again, Gert.” Her gaze travelled around the table, settling on Nico’s in a way that sent her stomach into a quick, little flip. “Nico.”

She was in her uniform—white shirt, dark pants, her hair in a loose ponytail—and her smile was comforting. Every time Nico saw her, she cursed her memories for not doing her beauty justice.

“Karolina,” Nico breathed.

“How are you?” Karolina asked, her smile suddenly shy.

“Good. Much better,” Nico said, her eyes refusing to leave Karolina’s as if she’d disappear otherwise.

Unbeknownst to Nico or Karolina, Molly and Gert exchanged a look. “What is going on?” Molly mouthed. Gert covertly gestured to the two of them. “What does it look like?” She mouthed back. Molly raised her brows, then nodded, leaning back to watch the hidden conversation between her two friends.

Finally, Gert cleared new throat—Karolina’s attention snapped up, her cheeks pink with embarrassment. “Are you just starting your shift, Karolina?” She asked.

Nico ducked her eyes. Her pulse was racing.

“Yep,” she heard Karolina say. “Just covering for a short shift though. I have class tomorrow morning.”

“Say, Karolina, if Nico were a dog, what type of dog would she be?” Everyone stared at Molly, who seemed as pleased as ever with a big grin plastered across her face.

“A dog?” Karolina glanced from Molly to Nico, who sat stared uncomfortably at her half-eaten burger. Karolina chuckled. “She seems more like a cat than a dog.”

Nico rolled her eyes. “They think I’m a little dog who thinks it’s a big dog or whatever,” she said.

“Well, yeah, you said you’d punch a guy in the throat if he asked for your number,” Gert added.

“ _So_ not what I said,” Nico retorted, crossing her arms. “That specific guy was pestering Molly—I said I’d deck him.”

“You know, she’s done it before too,” Gert told Karolina, whose brows shot up. “Back in college, before Chase and I started dating, Chase was one of those hulking lacrosse jocks, right? We were at a party once—all of us had too much to drink—and he asked me out. Nico thought he was making fun of me, so she slugged him across the jaw. It was a total David and Goliath situation.” Gert slung an arm around Nico’s shoulder. “My tiny hero.”

“I’m not tiny,” Nico said in exasperation. She glanced at Karolina, who was watching her steadily, her blue eyes amused yet tinged with something akin to awe. There was something else too—Nico couldn’t put a finger on it. Nico shrugged. Honestly, she had forgotten the story almost entirely. Had almost forgotten a time when Chase and Gert _weren’t_ together.

“Wow,” Karolina said, shaking her head. “You know, that’s…strangely not too hard to imagine. Anyway, I have to head back. Let me know if you need anything else?” The question was directed to the group, but her attention was almost entirely on Nico, who nodded stiffly, giving her a little wave just before she walked away.

Once she was out of earshot, Molly leaned forward on her elbows and said, “Boy, you’ve got it bad, Nico. And this weird tension between you guys? Would probably break a knife if anyone tried to cut into it.”

Nico popped a fry into her mouth, feigning nonchalance while her brain tried to recall basic functions like chewing food. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Molly let out a low whistle. “I should’ve introduced you sooner. You guys are cute!”

Nico was about to shoot Molly a glare, but Gert’s arm was still around her—Gert squeezed her shoulder. “Hey, don’t treat it like a bad thing, Nico,” she said. “When you told me you hung out with Karolina that day, I thought maybe you were overreacting,” she paused, unable to stifle a laugh at Molly’s incredulous expression. “Fill you in later, Mols.”

“Let’s not,” Nico said quickly.

“The _point_ is, I get it. The way she looks at you, Nico? I don’t know why you’re not falling over yourself for another date.”

“You know why,” Nico said, shrugging off Gert’s arm as she reached forward for another fry. “Besides, we agreed to be friends. Until things get better, I guess.”

Molly sighed and leaned back in her seat. “Boy, relationships are tough.”

Nico scoffed. “Tell me about it.”

“So what’s your plan now?” Molly asked. “Are you going to be a professional bird-watcher?”

“Who knows,” Nico replied with a crooked grin. “Just gonna try to get through the day for now. It’s kinda terrifying and kinda boring, but it’s also kinda nice too. Eventually…I hope I can find something to strive for, you know?”

“Besides Karolina’s heart,” Gert teased.

“Shut up.”

God, she was going to have to think of better retorts if Gert was going to see right through her every time.

* * *

At the end of the night, Nico found herself at the far end of the bar, clutching the worn faux-leather folder with her bill and credit card tucked inside. Her hands could not stop trembling. Her eyes alternated from admiring Karolina’s sunny smile and the fluid movements of her hands to glaring at her friends’ shit-eating grins from across the room.

Karolina was in the middle of pouring a bright orange cocktail when she finally noticed her. Her brows rose, ever so slowly, and her full lips parted—Nico’s heart skipped more than a few key beats.

Karolina slid the drink across the bar, and offered the girl there a smile that sent a prickle of something unpleasant down Nico’s spine.

In moments, however, she was right there in front of her, her ponytail swaying when she tilted her head. “You didn’t have to bring that all the way here,” she said lightly. Her smile was soft, almost tender, and something told Nico she was more than a little glad to see her there. Glad, but cautious—Nico tried to ignore the pang of guilt.

“I…wanted to say hi,” Nico mumbled, averting her gaze toward the folder in her hands. “Privately.”

“Well, hello.” Karolina’s tone was quiet, thoughtful almost. Like a long-awaited hug. “It’s nice to see you again.”

Nico dipped her head, her hand snaking around her neck uncomfortably. “I’m…sorry I haven’t visited,” she admitted, and it was all she could do to not wince at the brittleness of her voice.

Karolina shrugged, though her eyes—taking on a sudden whisper of sadness—seemed anything but nonchalant. “It’s okay,” she replied. “I’m…I understand. I think.”

“I missed you” seemed to sit at the very edge of Nico’s tongue, but she held them back. The thought was too sudden, and she wasn’t ready to admit the truth, not even to herself. Instead, she said, “Thank you.” Simple, sweet, and not altogether untrue. 

But, if she were honest, she didn’t like the way Karolina chewed her lip, or the way she looked so uncertain, like she too was wondering if their date had been a dream. “Hey, um,” Karolina said slowly, not quite able to meet her eyes, “I want to give you as much space as you need—I do—and…and maybe you have enough friends in your life, but we…we’re friends too, right? S-so, I just wanted you to know that I’m here for you. If you ever need anything. Even if it’s just apple pie.”

Nico smiled, inadvertently tugging a mirroring expression on Karolina’s own face—this woman had no right to be so goddamn adorable. “I know,” she said.

A moment of silence passed between them, one that stretched on and blanketed them. It wasn’t entirely uncomfortable, but there was a world of words beneath it, neither quite knowing what to do or say. Finally, Nico handed over the folder with her credit card, and Karolina rang her through, her smile dimmed into obligatory politeness.

“I’ll see you around?” Karolina asked hopefully, brushing her finger against Nico’s lightly as she returned her card.

Nico didn’t want to lie, but didn’t want to take that spark from her beautiful blue eyes either. She couldn’t tell her how much she _wanted_ to see her, or how much she needed to feel worthy of her time. Of this exact gaze Karolina directed at her now.

And so, she nodded, shoved her hands into her pockets, and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Friday, everybody! Can you believe Season 3 is finally coming? I feel like I've been waiting years, even though it's really been...months? Not sure anymore. Long enough to spur three stories! Sadly, everything is blocked here in China, so TV is a bit of a struggle. I just hope Nico gets to lamp Karolina again. 
> 
> FYI: I apologize for the somewhat irregular updates. My goal is to definitely get a chapter out every week, but due to the time difference (assuming you are not in Asia) and my work schedule, it can really happen at any time. Hope you all understand :) 
> 
> Here are some songs for this chapter:
> 
> So Long - Diplo (ft. Cam)  
> Undisclosed Desires - Muse  
> Teach Me How to Be Loved - Rebecca Ferguson  
> Set a Fire - These Your Children  
> Peace - Lissie  
> High - Corinne Bailey Rae


	4. Chapter 4

The week passed slowly as Nico tried to make sense of her new life. She felt like a vagabond, though she never went further than the boundaries of her own neighbourhood. Lost, confused, and utterly exhausted by her own existence, she spent far too many of hours of the first two days laying on her bed. The worst part of every night without fail was the nightmares. It would haunt her days to distraction, leaving her exhausted, running her thoughts in circles until she couldn’t bear it. The second worst part was trying to find ways to deal with the worst part. She’d researched all sorts of ways to go to sleep—drugs, drinks, ASMR, and bedtime stories to name a few, then she looked into all sorts of ways to never go to sleep—coffee, Red Bull, creative writing and the like. But, as exhausting as the nights were, she wasn’t eager to jump into another bad habit. Wasn’t eager to hook herself into another crutch and throw away her independence.

She just wanted to feel normal.

Sleep was simply difficult, almost nonexistent every night, but the cravings for a drink lessened and lessened. She still missed the kind of simplicity that came with drinking—mostly its ability to turn down her thoughts and put her to bed, but as the days went by, she began missing sleep the most. There were nights where the insomnia was so unbearable that she had to leave her apartment. On her first walk into the night, she’d discovered a twenty-four hour café roughly ten minutes from her apartment, and that was where she parked herself with a book on every subsequent sleepless night. In those first few weeks, she’d become so familiar with the café that the barista on graveyard shift soon knew her by name. Her name was Olivia, according to her name tag, and she had kind brown eyes and gorgeous hair—she was beautiful, stunning perhaps had they met in a different life. But Nico wasn’t surprised to find herself content with their casual acquaintanceship from afar. Her heart was simply too full of kind, blue eyes and that sweet, sweet smile for anything more.

During the day, she turned to Netflix mostly. When she found bursts of energy, there was cooking, brisk walks outside, running her treadmill to the ground. Yoga videos and kickboxing for beginners. Anything at all to physically exhaust herself so she could sleep. God, she couldn’t count the number of times she found herself resisting the urge to drive to the liquor store. When that feeling hit, she'd bury herself in her blankets and try not to throw up. It mostly worked.

She told herself every day that it was temporary. That she couldn’t dedicate every day to her nightmares. Still, the nights left her exhausted. So, so, so exhausted.

Over the course of her first week, she tried to build a routine, but continued to find herself aching for something more. Beyond sleep, there was an emptiness inside her she couldn’t explain. Without strangers to distract her, her loneliness loomed above her, heavy and palpable. And yet, she could not bring herself to call anybody, nor could she bring herself to respond to the growing number of messages and invitations. Without the aid of alcohol to excuse her judgment, she couldn’t stomach the thought of allowing a stranger to touch her. She tried to think of the last half-dozen new contacts on her phone, but could not recall their faces. Every nickname brought only images of Karolina to mind. In the quietest moments of the night, she tried to recall the sensations of being touched, held, and brought to new heights, but her thoughts always strayed to Karolina’s open joy and tender gaze as she laid on the pillow beside hers. Guilt always crept in, shut it all down, and left her cold, alone, and missing her like nothing else.

The only routine she grew to enjoy was going to the café every morning and working on her courses. She’d abandoned the bird-watching course halfway though, though she took her knowledge with her when she managed to drag herself to the park. Mostly, there were pigeons, but the sight of a red-shafted flicker excited her enough to fill out four rows of photos on her phone. Recently, she started a literature class—it was a secret from Gert, just in case she tried to drag her to her book club, and had been spending afternoons at the library reading old classics. The dramatic plights of Victorians were a good distraction, if nothing else. Girls named Jane were always getting into trouble, and that was often enough to take her away from the real world for a little while.

Evenings were quiet—simple dinners, mostly salads, eaten on her bed with her laptop perched across her thighs. She’d been revisiting the baking show she started a week ago, and it felt good to laugh, even if it was just in the darkness of her room alone. Twice, Gert joined her for dinner. Once, it was Gert and Chase. Nico had to admit that it was nice. Clear-minded and energetic—or, well, at least not hungover every day—for the first time in two years, it was nice just to be mentally present, even if she had little to offer.

Three weeks after her alcohol cabinet vanished in one afternoon, things became easier. The nightmares began to lessen, sometimes appearing only in fragments, and sleep became fitful, but enough. She cooked a little more, took a few more walks. Sometimes, she even took naps. Gert introduced her to podcasts, which gave her the opportunity to clean her apartment a little more, exercise a little more, learn a little more. Care a little more. Alive—just a little more.

She still thought about Karolina often, but she still could not find enough courage to seek her out. It had only been three weeks, but time seemed to stretch and collapse in such strange ways that it felt like months. She wondered if Karolina thought of her too.

On a Wednesday evening, a knock at the door delivered the answer.

Nico opened the door, expecting a spontaneous visit from Gert, but instead found Karolina, one arm extended against her door frame as the other clutched her stomach. With her hair plastered against her forehead, her pink cheeks, and her blue eyes burning, Karolina exuded an intensity she didn’t recognize. Nico stood, frozen and speechless, one part hugely relieved that she no longer spent every day lounging in her underwear in the dark, surrounded by empty bottles, while the other part wondered if she’d conjured her up somehow. And god, did she somehow become even more beautiful over the last few weeks? The fading sun cast its pink and orange rays into her freshly vacuumed apartment, but Karolina’s gaze was trained solely on Nico.

“Nico,” she said, breathless. “Hi.”

It took a long moment for Nico to remember how words worked. “What…why are you…how did you know where I lived? And did you run here? Wha—”

“I ran up the stairs,” Karolina said with a sheepish smile. “I was nervous. Sorry, I just…can I come in?”

Nico stepped aside, then closed the door behind them. With nowhere else to sit, Karolina hovered by the bed, looking both nervous and embarrassed now as she clutched her arm. Nico handed her a glass of water, one she had just poured for herself a few minutes ago, and gestured for her to sit. Karolina received the glass, and sat down with a grateful smile and a hearty gulp of water.

“So,” Nico said, scuffing at the carpet with a socked foot and trying not to stare, “you ran up seventeen flights of stairs.”

“Yes,” Karolina said, rolling the glass between her palms anxiously. “I…I got your address from Gert. I’m sorry, I probably should’ve called, but I wanted…I wanted to see you right away and I thought I was going to lose my nerve if I waited.”

Nico turned to meet her eyes, and found her far closer than she’d realized when she sat down. It would be easy enough to simply lean over and kiss her—Nico shook her head. Willed herself to focus. “Did something happen?” She asked.

Karolina brightened, her smile wide when she took Nico’s hand. “I did it, Nico,” she said. “I passed all my exams. I got my GED.”

Nico shot up, reacting before she could process her own actions. “Karolina,” she said, releasing her hand to throw her arms around her shoulders. “That’s…that’s amazing!”

Karolina’s hands wrapped themselves around Nico’s waist and squeezed her. In that position, her cheeks pressed against Nico’s chest—she could feel her heart rattling in time with her own, and quickly released her before either of them could get carried away. Nico met her eyes with an embarrassed, but happy grin, her hand lingering on Karolina’s shoulder a moment longer, savouring the connection before she stepped back. “Thank you,” Karolina murmured.

“So…what now?”

“It’s a bit of a long shot,” Karolina sighed, “and I still have to take the SAT, but I’m thinking that I’d like to try to apply to university. Maybe even UCLA.” Her shoulders rose and fell when she whispered the end of her sentence, feigning nonchalance in a way that revealed the truth of her desires.

“Jesus,” Nico laughed. “My biggest achievement today was taking a nap. You’re truly amazing, Karolina.” Her eyes lit up. “We should celebrate.”

“Really?” Karolina asked, looking up at her with a shy smile. “I mean, I don’t know if it’s _that_ big of a deal.”

Nico grinned. “Of course it’s a big deal! God, I wish I had some wine or something. Maybe I have some juice around.” She turned and poked around her kitchen, opening cupboards to look for something, _anything_ to offer Karolina. Finally, she threw her hands up, prepared to say something, but Karolina beat her to it.

“You stopped drinking?”

Suddenly, Karolina was standing right behind her, her voice so close that Nico spun and nearly hit her head on an open cupboard door.

“Uh, yeah, it’s been three weeks or so,” she said, squirming under Karolina’s gaze. She was moving closer; Nico backed up, but almost immediately hit the countertop. She sat up slightly to distance herself from the intoxication of being so close. “Cold turkey.”

“You’ve been sober for three weeks?” Karolina cradled her elbow, her eyes dewy. She was so close now that Nico could smell the citrus in her hair. “Why didn’t you tell me? That’s…not an easy thing to go through alone. I mean, I knew you seemed a little different last time I saw you, but…” 

“It’s okay,” Nico murmured into the space between them. “I figured Molly would’ve said something.”

“I haven’t seen her very much. I’ve been studying and practicing and…to be honest, distracting myself from thinking all of this,” she tilted her head, indicating the connection between them, “never happened.”

“I’m sorry,” Nico mumbled. “I wanted to see you again, it’s just…”

“It’s okay. I get it now, and a part of me is super relieved, but the other part of me is still…what’s the word? Frustrated? Sad? That you had to go through this alone. I don’t like knowing you’re suffering and…I just want to help.”

Nico’s heart rattled and ached for contact. She wanted to circle her waist and feel the full weight of her safety and warmth against her. Instead, she settled for Karolina’s hand on her elbow and tried to muster up a smile. “It wasn’t too bad. The worst part was not getting enough sleep, but it’s…it’s a lot better now.”

Karolina regarded her silently for a long time. Her hand moved up to cradle her cheek instead, and Nico couldn’t help but wonder if she was going to kiss her. She swallowed. She couldn’t lie—she’d wanted this for a long time, even though she knew it was not their time yet. Karolina’s expression was conflicted, until, finally, she pressed their bodies together in a warm, soft embrace. Nico sighed contentedly.

“We’re friends, right?” Karolina whispered.

Nico shivered at the sound of her voice, so close to her ear. “Y-yeah,” she said. I think so, she wanted to add.

“Then promise me, Nico. Promise me you’ll be honest with me. Promise me you won’t try to suffer alone.” Karolina’s voice was pleading, clawing with unshed tears and unspoken emotion, and Nico felt a crashing wave of affection like never before.

Nico had done her best to get through every day. She’d told Karolina weeks ago that she was going to try to be better, yet here _she_ was—devastated by the suffering Nico herself had become so accustomed to.

What the _hell_ did I do in my past life to deserve her sympathy? Nico wondered in awe.

Nico ran her hand through Karolina’s hair in an attempt to soothe her. “I’m okay, Karolina,” she whispered. “Really.”

Karolina pressed her tighter against the counter, until she was almost off the floor. “God, I’m so proud of you, Nico,” she said. “You’re extraordinary, you know that?”

Nico laughed. “Says the girl who we’re _supposed_ to be celebrating.”

Suddenly, Karolina pulled away, and left Nico half sitting on the counter, dazed by the sudden loss of contact. “Why were you not sleeping?”

“Oh,” Nico looked away, “just…nightmares. No big deal.”

“Nico,” Karolina said sternly, “they’re not ‘just nightmares’ if they’re keeping you up at night. Have you been sleeping recently?”

“It’s been better,” Nico said, pushing herself up to fully sit on the counter. “I still get fragments of it usually, but I manage to get three or four hours in.”

Karolina could not have looked more appalled. She pressed a hand on Nico’s exposed knee, and she felt the heat radiate up her leg and to her core. Nico jolted from her body’s immediate response, and suddenly became extremely conscious of the fact that she was in only a large, black T-shirt, having been getting ready to curl up in bed with a book when Karolina knocked. If Karolina wanted to run her hands under her shirt and take her right here on the kitchen counter, she would not put up a fight. Nico flushed and wrestled that particular image deep, deep into the back of her mind—now was not the time.

“I’ve decided,” Karolina announced. Her voice pulled Nico from where her thoughts were heading, and she felt her cheeks burn hotter, hoping the dim lighting would hide her embarrassment. “In celebration of both of our achievements today, I’m going to buy a cake. We’ll eat it here, and then I’m going to stay over, okay?”

“W-what? Why?” Nico asked.

“I want to help you sleep,” Karolina said, looking away when her cheeks tinged pink. “I won’t do anything that isn’t completely platonic, I swear. That’s the deal, right? Please? Can I?”

Against her better judgement, Nico agreed. It was dangerous, especially knowing that being completely platonic was the last thing she wanted.

* * *

“I know I’m being presumptuous here, but last time we shared a bed, you said you slept very well,” Karolina said. “It’s worth a shot, right?”

Nico stood at the right side, still dumbfounded by this development of events.

True to her word, Karolina had run down to a local bakery, several minutes before closing, and charmed her way into buying a six-inch carrot cake—it was all they had left. Nico had made a face, but found it surprisingly delicious. Karolina had laughed and promised she’d bake her one. Conversation was easy enough, until bedtime drew closer. Beneath the words they tossed at each other, there laid an undercurrent of undeniable tension. They’d been close to crossing the line so many times, and despite Karolina’s surprising boldness, Nico also knew she was holding back. Since she rebuffed the kiss, Karolina had made it clear that the ball was in her court.

She just didn’t know what to do with this ball. She didn’t know which game they were playing, but, god, she wanted to win. Immobilized by the stakes, she simply held the ball and waited.

Nico stood still as she watched Karolina walk out of the bathroom, dressed now in one of Nico’s old T-shirts shirt. It was too short, of course, falling just below her belly button, and none of her pants fit, leaving her a little exposed in a pair of blue panties. They exchanged an embarrassed smile, and Nico looked away while Karolina ducked beneath the covers. There was so little between them now, and Nico couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if they both just gave into their desires.

It could be the greatest night of their lives.

Or the greatest regret.

There was no going back for Nico, and she wasn’t ready to screw it all up yet.

But how long would Karolina be willing to wait?

“Are you okay?”

Nico looked down, her fingers fiddling with her shirt. “Karolina, you know that I really like you, right?”

Karolina smiled softly. “Yes. And I really like you.”

“And…and you understand why I couldn’t kiss you the other day, right?”

Karolina rubbed her arm. “Yeah…I do. I think. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and I think we can both benefit from working on ourselves a little more. I think…I think you’re going to be really important to me, Nico. Maybe you already are. I don’t want to mess it up.”

Nico mirrored her smile. “Me neither.”

“But that’s doesn’t mean we can’t help each other in the meantime,” Karolina said, stretching out a hand. Like clockwork, Nico took it, allowing the easy affection to flow through their fingertips as Karolina gently tugged her toward the bed. “Will you let me hold you, Nico?”

Nico blushed and nodded. She flicked the main light switch by her bed, leaving only the yellow glow of her bedside lamp and her long shadow against the walls. Karolina watched her steadily, the yellow flickering like firelight in her eyes, beckoning her closer.

Reluctantly, she let go of Karolina and pulled herself beneath the covers. Once she was settled, she reached for Karolina once more and laid her hand on her open palm.

Karolina smiled. With her free hand, she gently swept a long strand of hair behind Nico’s ear. “You’re so beautiful,” Karolina whispered. Her voice was low, raspy in a way that was so intimate that Nico felt her throat close, her brows furrow. Any words she might have said were suddenly caged deep in her stomach.

As if sensing her discomfort, Karolina’s smile became shy once more. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I hadn’t meant to say that out loud. It was just... the way you looked just now. I’m sorry—I don’t mean to be creepy.”

Nico chuckled. “It’s okay. Trust me, I know creepy, and that’s not it. And it’s not you—you’re sweet—I’m just not comfortable with stuff like that.”

Karolina silently studied her for a long moment. Her eyes were troubled, questioning, but her lips simply said, “Okay.”

“Hey, do you want to know why I came into the bar that day and ran away?” Nico said, lacing her fingers with Karolina’s. She wasn’t sure what compelled the question. It was a vulnerable story to dive into, and she didn’t like being vulnerable. All she knew was that the desire for Karolina’s smile far outweighed the rest.

And just as she had hoped, the trouble expression lifted. In its place was surprise and a hint of intrigue. “The day you were drunk?”

“Yes,” Nico chuckled.

“Why?”

“Promise you won’t freak out and run away if I tell you? Like I said, I know creepy.”

Karolina lifted their entwined hands and pressed her lips on top of Nico’s knuckles. “Promise.” Nico thoughts came to a halt and she almost lost her nerve. While she tried to regroup, Karolina patiently waited, her cheeks colouring at her own actions.

“I was drinking partially because it was just…what I do, but also…partially because I was trying to work up the courage to come see you.”

“Oh?” Karolina looked surprised, like she had never considered the possibility. “Then why did you run away?”

Nico shifted her eyes to look at their hands—anything but Karolina’s face—as she confessed, “You were too beautiful.” She could feel her face flare. “And I…I’d come, wanting to kiss you, but when I saw you there, you seemed so…otherworldly and precious and I just couldn’t bring myself to even get close to you. So I ran.”

“Nico,” the corner of Karolina’s mouth lifted into a lopsided grin. “You drove all the way to Timely because you wanted to kiss me?”

“Putting it mildly, yes.”

Karolina unwound her fingers from Nico’s and ran them along her jaw. Her eyes were dark, full of unspoken emotions and words that would so easily tip the scales. As Nico gazed into them, she wanted to say yes to every question, wanted to pull her in and mark her skin with a thousand kisses. Wherever Karolina desired. It would be so easy to quell the full-body thrum of desire that tempted her since the day they met. But she pictured the nameless faces she’d shared a bed with for two years, and her heart sank. How would she ever feel good enough? Clean enough. Worthy enough. Just…enough?

Instead, she turned around, turned off her lamp, and clutched the sheets beneath her empty palms.

In two quick beats of her heart, the sheets rustled, and a strong arm wrapped itself around her middle. Nico could feel the warmth of their bare legs touching, the press of Karolina’s chest against her back, and the puffs of soft breaths by her ear. She thought her racing heart and traitorous brain would keep her up all night, but soon she found herself leaning back, enveloped in Karolina’s warmth. She felt a brief kiss on the back of her head and closed her eyes, savouring the peace that washed over them. With a content sigh, she laid her hand on Karolina’s and threaded their fingers together, right there on her stomach, and the butterflies grew still.

* * *

In the darkest hour of the night, Nico dreamt of a single car on the road, grey in a black and white world. She dreamt of floating above it, a gentle breeze caressing her hair as she surveyed the world below her. The car drove along, the scenery so unchanging that one could hardly tell it was moving. Nico sighed—she knew this dream well.

Suddenly, a red sports car appeared over the horizon. The familiar panic sank in like a baseball bat to her chest as she watched the car hurtle along the road, inching closer and closer to the grey car.

As always, Nico dove toward it as fast as she could, but she was so, so far away, and, as always, the faster she went, the further away she seemed to be.

She could only watch, helpless, her eyes wide and her jaw set tight as the red car slammed into the grey. The sounds were screeching and violent, and the smells of burnt rubber and chemical fire filled her nose.

It happened so quick. Then, all at once, the invisible force let her go and she stood now beside the wreckage, her heart in her throat. She knew this scene well—she’d been here so many times. God, Amy, she thought. She didn’t want to look, and yet she knew she must.

She peered inside the grey car first, and felt her body grow cold.

Slumped back in the passenger seat with blood streaming down her face and soaked into her clothes—wasn’t Amy. It was Karolina.

She closed her eyes and willed herself to wake from this nightmare, but when she opened them again, she was still there, her hands gripping the smashed window of the passenger side door until they bled. She glared at the red car as best she could with hot tears filling her eyes.

Sometimes the car was empty. Sometimes she could see the man who killed her sister, sometimes keeled over, sometimes partially obscured by bent up metal.

When she turned this time, however, she saw herself in the driver’s seat. Her knuckles were white around the wheel, and her eyes were dead as they watched her. It was a shadow of herself, an empty shell that seemed to feel nothing despite the enormity of the crime she’d committed.

“No,” Nico cried. She stumbled toward her, her throat tight and her voice splintered. “No, no, no, no, you piece of shit! I’m going to kill you!”

She reached out, anger triumphing over grief, but she found herself frozen, useless once more. And all she could do was scream. 

And scream.

And scream.

Until every fiber of her being tore apart and disappeared. Until the hands of heaven itself reached down and grabbed her by the throat. Its voice thundered, though she did not understand the language. Its anger grew and grew, and the fingers squeezed tighter and tighter, until at last...

“Nico! Wake up, Nico!”

Nico’s eyes flew open with a gasp, her hair plastered around her face in cold sweat. Confused, she looked around her, breathing heavily. The lamp was on, and Karolina was there, alive, breathing, and clutching her close to her chest.

“It’s okay,” she soothed, stroking her hair. “You’re okay.”

“Karolina,” Nico whispered as she tightened her grip on the damp fabric of Karolina’s shirt. “You’re alive. Thank god you’re alive—I thought…I thought…”

“Shhh, it was just a a nightmare. You’re okay now.”

Nico squeezed her eyes tight. “God, it was horrible. I’ve had this dream so many times, but when I saw you, I just…god, it was awful.”

“Whatever happened, it wasn’t real. You’re here now. With me.” Karolina pressed a kiss to the top of Nico’s head.

A moment later, Nico pulled away, just far enough to meet her eyes. From her peripheral, she could see the mess she’d made of Karolina’s shirt, and, guiltily, she chewed her lower lip. “Sorry,” she mumbled sheepishly.

Karolina chuckled, and Nico allowed the sound to wash over her and ease her erratic heart. “You have nothing to apologize for, Nico.”

Nico’s eyes flickered to her chest, then back to her twinkling blue eyes. “Your shirt.”

“Technically, it’s your shirt. It’s not a big deal anyway. I can always take it off.” Her cheeks immediately coloured. “I mean change. Shirts. You know. Not just, like, naked and stuff. You know what I mean.”

Nico blushed. “Yeah, still. I’m, um, sorry I woke you up,” she mumbled.

“Really, it’s okay,” Karolina said, her smile gentle as she brushed the tears from her cheek, tears Nico hadn’t even notice. “I’m just glad I’m here.”

Nico opened her mouth to apologize once more, but Karolina quickly swept in and gave her a peck on the lips, so light and quick she wasn’t sure if she’d imagined it.

“W-what—”

“I just wanted to distract you,” Karolina said, her voice taking on a playful lilt that could only be construed as flirty. Nico felt the warmth flood to her cheeks at how quickly her body responded to this side of Karolina. “Did it work?”

“Jesus, Karolina,” Nico murmured, suddenly hyper aware of the hand gently resting on her hip. “I’m trying to keep my thoughts about you platonic, but you have to know you don’t make it easy right?”

Karolina laughed with a tinge of residual embarrassment. “I could say the same about you.”

With her eyes half-lidded under the lamplight, her slightly parted lips, her mussed up hair, and her rosy cheeks, Karolina looked entirely too kissable. Nico’s thoughts must’ve been visible too when Karolina had to look away. “But we shouldn’t,” Nico said.

“No, we shouldn’t.”

“Not yet.”

Karolina flashed a grin. “Not yet,” she echoed.

* * *

The next morning, Nico awoke to the warmth of the sunlight and the coolness of the breeze. Gently pulled from sleep, she kept her eyes closed, and listened to the world around her. A bird chirped, and a car drove by. Karolina was breathing softly close by. People bustled around upstairs while her own world, wrapped up in her blankets, felt almost entirely still. She didn’t have to open her eyes to find her cheek pressed against Karolina’s back, rising and falling against her to the rhythm of her breathing. She could feel Karolina’s stomach beneath her fingertips, solid, strong, and soft to the touch.

Echoes of Karolina singing her to sleep last night fluttered through her consciousness. She couldn’t remember the song, but knew it was beautiful. Knew she’d been holding her just like this, her front curled against Nico’s back in their own little sphere of safety.

She snuggled a little closer and found their legs tangled up. A part of her wanted to relish the safety and warmth of holding Karolina in her arms, but the louder, less inhibited, and more mischievous part of her wondered what would happen if she slid her hand a few inches to the north or south. Or her thigh, upwards and outwards between Karolina’s. She lazily wondered what kind of sounds she would make, and what kind of expression she’d wear.

Then, mind wandering, she began to wonder what she liked to wear at home. What she liked to eat after hard days, what she liked to do after work. She wondered what she was like at work, as a student, and with her friends. Her thoughts continued, tangent after tangent, until Karolina finally stirred.

With a soft groan, she turned in Nico’s arm, and blinked her big, blue eyes. “Good morning,” Nico said, smiling.

Karolina’s slow, happy grin was contagious. “Morning.”

Nico brushed back Karolina’s hair out of her eyes and behind her ears. “Did you sleep well?” She asked.

Karolina nodded. “You?” Concern flickered through the deep blue. “Better? I hope?”

“Yeah,” Nico said, her smile sheepish. “I slept like a log. Thank you…by the way. I don’t think I said it last night.”

“There’s no need to thank me,” Karolina replied. “We’re here for each other, right?”

“Yeah… I’m glad you were here.”

Karolina’s smile was warm, almost gooey with vulnerability in a way that seemed designed for Nico’s eyes only. It was becoming familiar, yet unfailingly sweet, and Nico never wanted this moment to end. For every rainy day, every night she found herself bungee jumping into rock bottom, she wanted to hold onto it forever. 

“I’m happy I was here.”

It was mid-morning when they finally untangled their bones and got ready for the day.

The fragrance of sizzling eggs hit Karolina as she walked out of the bathroom, rubbing her hair with a towel. “That smells nice,” she said as she walked around and hooked her chin on Nico’s shoulder.

“Ah, your hair is still wet,” Nico whined, nudging her away with her head.

“Sorry,” Karolina chuckled.

“I only have eggs, so it’s kind of simple. I have some tortillas and toast though, so you can take your pick. I’ll probably have to go to the store later.”

“Can I go with you?”

Nico glanced up from the pan and turned, spatula in hand. She studied Karolina for a moment—she was leaning on the counter now, eyes cast down as her hands fiddled with the tag on the towel around her neck. “You’re not going to miss me, are you?” Nico teased.

Karolina did not look up. “Maybe I will.”

Nico turned off the stove. “You don’t think I’m just going to run away, are you?” She kept her tone light, teasing, but Karolina shuffled back as if she’d revealed something she shouldn’t have.

Her eyes darted to the ceiling. “Kinda. I mean…I hadn’t seen you in so long before this, and I didn’t really know whether I should even try to find you.”

The spatula was thrown into the sink with a clang.

“Karolina, look at me.”

Nico tugged at her wrists gently, prying her fingers from the towel, and rested her hands on either side of her cheeks. Karolina returned her intense gaze with clear apprehension, her arms hanging at her sides. Waiting.

“I want to spend more time with you too,” Nico said. “I-if that’s what you want.”

Karolina nodded, though the way she chewed her lip said she was not entirely convinced.

“I was actually thinking,” Nico continued slowly, “um, if you want, I can help you study for the SAT. And the ACT too, if you want. I-I mean, I don’t have much else to do, and I remember doing pretty well back then. I could pick up some study guides or something, and we could meet…whenever, you know? Twice a week? That sort of thing?”

“Really?”

“Yeah, of course. Just, um, on one condition.” Nico paused and bit her lip, trying to concentrate when Karolina looked liked she’d given her the world. “Once you get in…can you promise me that you’d call your mom?”

Karolina’s eyes widened. “Nico…I…”

Nico stepped further into her space, her hands still on either side of Karolina’s face. Her expression was still, calm, with a certain omniscient quality in her eyes that made Karolina feel so bare. “I know it’s not my business,” she said, her voice as low as a secret, “and I don’t know the full story, but…when I lost Amy, I felt like my whole world ended. I relive that moment almost every night, but you…you still have a chance.”

Karolina was silent, her eyes far away as she gazed out at the bed on the other side of the room.

Finally, she breathed, “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays, everyone! 
> 
> I know I'm back hella early, but I have reasons. 
> 
> 1) Holy shit season three was EVERYTHING. I literally have not slept in two nights because I hadn't been able to finish binging all in one go. Plus, I'm just super excited. There were literally SO many moments where I felt like if CALLED IT. Some of the core emotional rollercoaster I've already written (43k now) is going to seem ripped from canon now because they SERVED. And some of those lines? UGH. I ain't even mad. It's almost midnight and I've just finished binging so I am LIVING! Honestly, I got goosebumps when Karolina picked up that UCLA hat. I wrote this chapter like months ago, and I'd been thinking about taking UCLA out because it seemed too obvious, but I am SO happy I didn't. It'll come up again briefly in the next chapter too.
> 
> 2) I will be working pretty crazy hours this week in preparations for the holidays, so I may not see you guys until after Christmas. Will see how well I survive.
> 
> 3) Truly, I wanted to thank you all for the kudos and the lovely comments and anyone enjoying this story behind the scenes. I really love and appreciate you guys so much. As I mentioned on Twitter yesterday, this story is kind of personal and special, and it means a lot that it's gaining traction. There is something comforting about knowing there are people out there who can relate in our own ways. 
> 
> During this holiday, I hope everyone can take some time to appreciate your support system. Though I've been struggling a lot with my own loneliness out here, I'm thinking about everyone who helped me become a better person, and for that I'm very grateful. I know that its easy to be knee deep in our own woes, but hey, life is short. Give someone a hug. 
> 
> No songs this week, but if you have recommendations for songs that remind you of this story, I'm all ears.
> 
> Happy holidays, everyone!
> 
> PS. Would love to find some friends in this fandom. Come say hi @fireroastedmoo :) send me a nice gif if you’re shy.


	5. Chapter 5

For Karolina, there were not many days that went by where she did not think of her mother. At least, until she found discovered the intoxication of holding warm brown eyes and the scent of something akin to fresh roses in Nico’s hair.

She often thought about slivers of the mundane. Standing beside her when she washed the dishes, telling her about her day. Bedtime stories at night, getting picked up from school, baking in the kitchen. Her mother, so often dressed for the boardroom even when she was covered in flour, and her, dressed in the freedom of childhood. A film of sepia seemed to cover each of her memories—they were useless relics now, she reminded herself, and dwelling on them always struck a chord of emptiness deep inside her.

For Karolina, whose days had been—after many years of deliberate practice— profoundly mundane, the hope of reconciling with her mother had long been turned down to a low simmer. Her days were simple and she wanted for nothing. She ate the same breakfast every day—eggs on toast and a glass of fresh orange juice, squeezed by hand every Sunday and Wednesday. She went to the same places every week—work, class, errands. She was content. Life was steady—the right amount of predictable. After years on the road, years of constant wanting, broken hearts, bad habits, and instability, Karolina thought she was through with wanting. She didn’t need anything more than that.

And yet, as she hopped off the bus and headed toward Timely, she realized all she’d been doing all this time was wanting.

Not just Nico—that one was obvious; her inexplicable magnetism toward her was dangerous and undeniable—but her mother too, and the bond they once shared.

It’d been two weeks since Nico made her promise the impossible. And though admission into any university seemed to be far, far away, the idea of seeing her mother again managed to niggle its way into her thoughts more than usual.

As Karolina stood at the bus stop now, an image of her mother bubbles up. Her mother, in her memory, was so beautiful and so proud. She saw her in a trim white suit, always tailored. She saw her with her perfectly coifed flame-red hair and perfect smile. She remembered this smile, always present and always a little strained, especially when her father had betrayed her. Karolina remembered her cool eyes, capable of robbing a person entirely of their dignity with a glance. She remembered her warm eyes too, the ones she reserved just for her, capable of making her feel like she could take on the world. The one that made her feel safe. Loved.

Karolina pulled her jacket closer and shivered when she remembered the day her mother fell apart. She listened to the sound of her boots hitting the pavement when she remembered the day she was discovered under the stairwell of the church, kissing a girl whose face she no longer remembered. Her fingers tightened around her arm as she remembered her mother’s perfect composure falling away when grabbed her, the other girl skittering away as fast as she could. She could still remember—taking a deep breath now as she looked up at the grey-blue sky—the iron grip shackled around her arm, her red face, and cold eyes. There were no words that day, but she saw it all in her eyes.

Karolina was seventeen years old, and had never, ever, ever disappointed her mother. To see the utter loathing, the visible heartbreak, on the face of someone she loved and admired so dearly—it crushed her that day. Even more so when she silently watched on as Karolina packed a bag and walked out the door without a goodbye, never to be found again. It crushed her so completely that she was sure parts of her, ground into dust, were gone forever.

At the time, leaving felt like the right thing to do, and though she’d long trained herself to stop dwelling on the what-ifs, it was hard not to be enticed by other possibilities. What if she’d been a good girl? What if she stuck around and married a good man? She often wondered, along the same sordid lines, whether her mother tried to look for her. What if she’d found her?

And now, the thought of seeing that expression again…

But isn’t that the reason you came back to LA? A voice in the back of her mind reminded her.

It’d been eight years since she felt love—real love—in any capacity, and one year since she stopped searching for it. Stopped searching for anything close to it in the arms of other women. But she always fell too quickly. She was tired of chipping her heart away for other people—and yet, it was happening all over again.

She’d given her heart to Nico the day she turned around and met her eyes in front of Timely. She looked so beautiful, yet so afraid, and Karolina’s heart had leapt from her chest and into Nico’s with arms wide open, hoping to soothe the pain she saw there if she could not soothe her own aches. She thought it would be a fleeting moment, but Nico had squeezed onto it and held it tight.

If Nico dropped it now, she wasn’t sure what she would do. Without her mother, without Nico—without another shot at love again. What would become of all the strength and resilience she thought she’d built up?

Karolina shook her head as she stood at the front door of Timely. This was where she and Nico met. She pictured their little table at the library, where Nico tutored her that very morning—that was how far they’d come. A memory of Nico’s seemingly boundless joy when she’d solved a difficult question on her own this morning floated up, and she could not help but smile. She rolled her shoulders back and, feeling lighter already, went into work.

“Hi, Karolina!” A happy voice greeted her as she came out from the back room. Karolina turned, her hands still hard at work pulling her hair up into a ponytail.

“Hey, Molly,” she replied with a smile. “Long time no see.”

Molly was sitting at the bar, dressed in her own plaid shirt. Her thick, dark curls fell across her shoulders, and her smile was as contagious as always. Since the start of her new semester, Molly started picking up earlier shifts as she had a few evening classes in the week. Their schedules rarely overlapped for more than an hour on hectic days, and Karolina hadn’t had the chance to tell her how much they missed their shifts together.

“Are you heading out?” Karolina asked.

“Yep,” Molly replied, popping the ‘p’. “I have a bit of time today, so I wanted to hang out with you a bit.”

Karolina moved over to where Molly sat, sipping on a glass of orange juice, where she absentmindedly picked up a rag and got to work pretending to be busy. “I was just thinking about how much I missed hanging out with you,” Karolina beamed. Molly mirrored her smile, and for no reason at all, they burst into a giggle. Molly just seemed to have a way of exuding joy, and though Karolina had no shortage of joy recently, she adored the easiness of it with Molly. “So, what’s new?”

“Well,” Molly said. She dragged the syllable out with a mischievous glint in her eyes. Karolina raised a brow. “I saw Nico yesterday.”

“Oh?”

Impossibly, Molly’s smile grew even wider. “But you already knew that, didn’t you?”

Karolina felt the heat creep to her face. It was no secret that she and Nico met twice weekly for their study session, where Karolina discovered—and was often distracted by this—that Nico was prone to sport a pair of vintage, black-rimmed glasses for reading. They hung out as they always did in between subjects, so it was only natural that she knew how excited Nico was to have had lunch with Molly the day before. Her face had been exuberant, her eyes bright as she spoke about Molly. Her glasses had slipped low on her nose while she talked, and she was absolutely adorable. Karolina must’ve been grinning the entire time, half wishing she could listen to her talk forever and half wishing she could launch herself across the table and kiss her.

Molly tilted her head, waiting for a response.

Karolina cleared her throat—her mind wandered far more than she liked these days. “Yeah, um, she mentioned it to me this morning.”

“This morning, huh?” Molly said, wiggling her brows. “You know, if I were Gert, I might make a joke here, but I’m not, so I’ll spare you the embarrassment.”

“Lucky me,” Karolina chuckled.

“Hey, um, Karolina?” Molly’s gaze lowered to her glass of juice as her fingers fiddled with the straw. The lightness in her voice seemed to dissipate all at once.

“What’s up, Molly? So serious all of a sudden,” she replied with what she hoped was a comforting smile.

“Thanks. For encouraging Nico and stuff.” Molly flashed an embarrassed smile. “I wish I could explain what this means to me and Gert and Chase and everybody, but,” she leaned her cheek on her palm, “I don’t even know where to begin.”

“You’re giving me way too much credit, Mols.”

Molly shook her head. “No. Really, I…I guess it’d been bad for so long that we kind of forgot that it wasn’t always that way, y’know? You know, when the accident happened, we were all…in a pretty bad place. Gert and Chase fought constantly—they even broke up at one point. Then, Nico disappeared—I was just…waiting for everything to go back to normal, I guess. In the beginning, I figured everyone would come around. Gert and Chase would get back together, and the old Nico would come back and we could go on long drives and climb mountains and stuff again. Do the stuff we used to do together. But…time went on, and I guess, we just…got used to these changes. Thankfully, Gert and Chase got it together again, but it was super hard, you know? And Nico just…never did? I think they feel kind of guilty about that. Like eventually, subconsciously, all of us figured that the old Nico was just gone, y’know?”

Karolina was silent for a while. Her heart ached for Nico. “Do you still think so?” She asked quietly.

Molly shrugged. “Maybe. I don’t think we can ever _really_ go back in time or anything, but maybe that’s okay too? I think she’s happier now that she found you.”

“It’s funny,” Karolina said, smiling as she shook her head, “when I first saw Nico—in person—I don’t think I really understood. She never seemed all that…haunted. Troubled, yes. I don’t know if that makes sense. She was just…someone I was drawn to. Even when she showed up here drunk out of her mind—maybe that should’ve been a red flag—but there’s something about her that makes me feel…safe. Understood. It’s just…easy. Things just happen with Nico and I just go with it. It just feels right.” She laughed and slapped a hand over her forehead. “It sounds super dangerous when I say it out loud, doesn’t it? What I mean is, I think we just _get_ each other. Cut from the same cloth and all that. Well, most of the time.”

Molly tilted her head. “Most of the time?”

She shrugged a shoulder. “We’re not the same person. Sometimes I don’t really know what she’s thinking. Anyway, um, what I mean is that the old Nico might be gone, but I only know this one and she’s…pretty wonderful.”

Molly nodded thoughtfully, and held the silence for a few long seconds as she studied Karolina’s face. Karolina did her best not to seem as lovesick as she felt. “I don’t know how much Nico has shared with you, and this probably shouldn’t be a surprise, but Nico is a very, _very_ private person. Even before the accident, she’s always been someone who runs away from stuff until she can, I don’t know,” she paused, waving her hands erratically in front of her, “take the good stuff and the bad stuff and squish it down until she can’t see it anymore. She has a—oh, how did Gert put it?—a toxic relationship with happiness. Like, she doesn’t really see it, and when she does, she wants nothing to do with it because she doesn’t feel like she deserves it, or because she feels like it’s not real or whatever.” Molly rolled her eyes. “I don’t get it, to be honest, but I do know one thing: she sees you.”

Karolina couldn’t stop the grin from spreading even if she wanted to. “Yeah,” she said, almost dreamily.

Molly laughed. “Yeah.”

“But,” Karolina reached out across the bar and gave Molly a firm pat on the head, “she sees you guys too. You mean the world to her, you know that?”

This time, Molly mirrored her grin. “Yeah.”

* * *

That very night, Karolina found her heart and feet at Nico’s door before she could fully process why. Like she’d told Molly earlier that day, it felt right. It felt like everything was brewing inside her like a fountain—the joy and excitement, the apprehension, the fear.

Perhaps the reason was simple, and as Nico opened the door looking confused and bewildered and adorably tousled, Karolina told her as much. “Hi,” she said. “I missed you.”

Nico raised a brow. “I saw you this morning,” she said. Her tone, thankfully, was far more amused than it was displeased. In fact, if Karolina could trust her instincts, she was _happy_ to see her. And as if reading her thoughts, Nico then added, “I was just thinking about you, and now you’re here. Beginning to think I have magic powers.”

At the sight of her lopsided smile, Karolina let out a breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding, and god, she felt like the luckiest girl in the world to be able to stand on this very threshold and bring a smile to Nico’s face.

Nico held the door open wider. “Come on,” she said with a playful roll of her eyes, “I’m flattered you’d rather stand in the hall and gawk at me, but I’d rather go back to my nest.”

“Can I join you?” Karolina asked. She closed the door behind her and followed Nico inside, where a pile of blankets was rolled up on the bed into an almost conical shape from where her body had been bundled up like a sitting burrito.

Nico fiddled with the hem of her shirt, her lip tugged between her teeth. “Yeah,” she murmured, dipping her head in a small nod.

Karolina nodded back, and with a quick flick of Nico’s eyes toward the bed in permission, crawled into the centre of the blanket pile. She draped the blanket over her shoulders and settled her legs on either side of Nico’s laptop, spread just wide enough for a Nico-shaped person to fill the void. She flashed a grin that went unnoticed while Nico shyly maneuvered herself into the space. Moments later, Nico had her laptop on her crossed legs, and Karolina’s arms around her middle, and Karolina was sure Nico could feel her pounding heart against her back.

Karolina briefly wondered if she’d ever stop feeling this intense rush of joy whenever she was allowed to be anywhere near Nico’s space. They fit together so perfectly, and Nico was so safe and warm—she wanted these opportunities to last forever. And though she wanted nothing more than to run her hands and her lips along her skin, there was also an inexplicable serenity she felt around Nico and an inexplicable faith in their relationship. She just hoped it wasn’t blind faith. There were so many ways Nico could break her heart.

She tightened her grip around Nico to distract herself from the thought. “What are we watching?”

Nico reached out to press play, then leaned back comfortably into Karolina’s front. On the screen, a man putting on a wig came to life. “Rupaul’s Drag Race,” Nico replied.

“Oh. I’ve heard so much about it, but I’ve never seen it myself. I never would’ve guessed you’d be into reality TV,” Karolina said with a chuckle. She hooked her chin on Nico’s shoulder. “Maybe it was just the way you were so enraptured by The Quiet Place, and the way you weren’t scared at all…but I thought maybe you’d be more into horror.”

Nico laughed, and the movement and sound shook Karolina to the core. God, how she wanted to bottle up the sound forever. “You’ve clearly never seen some of the cat fights on this show,” Nico said, patting her on the thigh.

Warmth seemed to radiate from Nico’s hand and flow though the rest of Karolina’s body. Maybe she’d spoken too soon about the serenity in their relationship—she’d forgotten how easily Nico seemed to have a way of unravelling her in every way. It would be so easy to shift their relationship and give into the temptation she knew they both felt, and yet… Karolina remembered the one brief kiss they shared and the promise Nico made. She didn’t want to become something temporary, and yet she found herself barging into Nico’s life so often, she wondered what the promised real date would construe. As far as she was concerned, she couldn’t imagine anything better than simply having her here like she did now. But what if, her doubts asked, this was a part of her escape? The black hole. There could be others like her, or—

Nico paused the show again and turned in her arms. “Are you okay?” She asked. “I thought my joke was funny, but you didn’t say anything.”

“I’m fine,” Karolina replied with a smile. “Just tired.”

“Work was busy?”

“Yeah, and I had to practice for a few hours. I’ve been so focused on the SATs that I’ve been neglecting my music. The owner asked me to play again next weekend, and I feel pretty rusty.” This was the truth, and Karolina knew better than to saddle Nico with her doubts along with all that.

Nico tilted her head, thoughtful. “How come you never invited me to your shows after the first time?”

Karolina furrowed her brows. “I’m not sure. I’ve only had one other show after the one you came to. That was, um, maybe a month ago? It was a few weeks before my exam, and I was _very_ stressed out. That’s probably why?”

Nico shook her head, a sad smile taking shape on her lips that Karolina desperately wanted to kiss off. “You’re sweet, Karolina, but it’s because we weren’t talking then, wasn’t it? I was…in recovery. So,” she reached up and lightly pressed her fingertips to Karolina’s jaw. Her voice dropped to a near whisper. “I’m not going to miss the next one for the world.”

In that moment, filled with what she could only safely call affection, Karolina dove down into her chocolate brown eyes, and leaned in. Their lips touched for barely a moment when Nico gasped, and Karolina, snapped immediately out of her desire, recoiled. “S-sorry,” Karolina mumbled. Her arms fell around Nico and her fingers curled into the blankets. She dropped her gaze to the white-knuckled grip of her right hand as hot shame flooded her cheeks.

“Hey,” Nico said softly. She turned, then kneeled in front of Karolina. Gently, she tugged the blanket out from under Karolina’s fingers and cradled her hand in her open palm. “It’s okay.” She smiled and tilted her head to meet Karolina’s downcast gaze. “Really.”

Still, Karolina did not know what to say.

Nico sighed. “Karolina, look at me,” she said. Karolina obeyed. “I know our situation isn’t…ideal for you. For either of us. God knows how much I’ve…I’ve thought about...well, you know.” Nico’s pale skin suddenly flushed crimson. She cleared her throat. “It’s just…this is the kind of thing that once we start, we can’t ever go back. You understand that, right?”

Karolina nodded. That much she knew for a fact.

“You’re going to be someone who is very important to me,” Nico said, clutching both shoulders now with her hands. “Hell, you might already be someone very important to me. I don’t want what we have to be a crutch, Karolina. I want to be stronger. Better. I don’t…I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t. Can’t—Can’t we be stronger alongside each other? While…growing our relationship?” Karolina, surprising herself with the petulance in her tone, cringed and hoped Nico wouldn’t notice.

“We are,” Nico said. “As friends. For now.”

Karolina bit her lip. “Okay,” she said. She had to be okay with that, right? Even if she could not completely push away the voice that told her Nico simply did not see her the same way.

“You know I really like you, right?” Nico asked.

Karolina blinked. “Yeah.” She mustered a smile. “Of course.”

Nico, however, did not seem convinced. “You know, I’ve…never been good at expressing myself. I hope you can see that I’m trying. I…I hope you don’t give up on me, Karolina.”

Karolina softened and wrapped her arms around Nico’s shoulders, burying herself in her neck. In that moment, her doubts quieted down, and it was just her and Nico. She felt Nico press her closer, felt the way she filled her chest with her scent. In that moment, she regretted acting out, regretted pushing for more when this was so far beyond anything else she could ask for.

  
This—holding Nico in her arms, feeling her solidness between them—was beyond anything she had the words to ask for. Yes, this felt right.

“Thanks for coming, Karolina.”

“Thanks for letting me in.”

* * *

The next morning, Karolina awoke to the sun hitting her eyelids in the most unwelcome way. Nico had, thankfully, slept peacefully through the night, and slept peacefully still in spite of the bright sunshine though the window. Karolina watched the beautiful serenity on Nico’s face. She was facing her, her hand wrapped loosely around Karolina’s wrist as her hair fell across her shoulders. Karolina smiled.

She’d do anything for this woman, she decided.

Including facing an almost decade-long fear and reconciling with her mother.

Karolina’s stomach dropped when sudden thought of her mother pierced through her consciousness.

And yet, as she brushed the back of Nico’s hand with a finger, she knew it would be a small price to pay to wake up like this every morning. This, plus her mother in her life. It was all too good to be true.

But why not? It was possible.

She smiled, closed her eyes, and shuffled closer to Nico. Let’s not let our imagination run away, she reminded herself. Take it day by day.

Nico soon awoke with a groan. With her eyes still closed, she stretched out and her hand shot out, accidentally grazing Karolina on the nose with the back of her fingertips. Her eyes flew open at the unexpected contact. Before her, Karolina laid frozen in shock. “Oh my god, are you okay?” Nico said. She’d bolted halfway up, and immediately reached for Karolina’s jaw to inspect the damage.

Karolina blinked. “I think you just slapped me on the nose.” A beat later, she added, “good thing you didn’t straighten out your fingers. You would’ve gone right up my nostrils.”

Nico stared.

They held their seriousness for a beat longer before they both simultaneously burst into laughter.

Once the laughter subsided, Nico gave Karolina a light swat on the arm. “C’mon,” she said, “I’ll make you pancakes to make it up to you.”

* * *

Later that morning, Karolina and Nico pushed a shopping cart through the supermarket. Unlike last time, neither was quick to deny how much they’d miss each other later, so when Karolina asked if she could accompany her this time, Nico did her best to give a cool, calm yes.

As they pushed the cart inside, hands side by side on the handlebar, Karolina turned to give Nico a smile. Nico returned it readily. As much as her mind wanted to keep replaying the kiss last night, wanted to push her imagination into what could’ve been, this kind of tender domesticity was more than anything her imagination could construe. She wanted to be as present as possible. Soak in all of Nico beside her. But the doubts still persisted. She’d spent so much of her life falling in love and picking up the pieces that it was dangerous to imagine any of this was real or lasting. From the instant attraction to the promises of more—Karolina had to keep one foot out the door in case it would all blow up, and yet Nico seemed to have a way of tugging her inside and keeping her there, of propelling her imagination forward into the realm of dangerous possibilities.

Nico was right. They both needed to be better before they translated the emotional into the physical. She’d had eight years to work out her issues, but once in a while, that fear of rejection would grab her by the neck and fling her against a wall. How was she supposed to support Nico if she couldn’t fully trust her?

“What is it?” Nico suddenly said.

Karolina blinked. “Hm?”

“You were staring at me,” Nico murmured with a blush.

“I was thinking I should get a toothbrush for your place,” she replied shyly, sheepishly. “Is that alright?” 

For half a second, Nico was nearly beaming. She caught herself, however, and presented a polite, crooked smile instead. “I like that. It’s…practical.”

“Yes,” Karolina chuckled. “I’m just being practical.”

“I’m going to head down the laundry aisle before I forget. Meet you there?”

“Meet you there.”

Karolina walked down the toothbrush aisle, scanning all the options before her. On the walls hung a variety of single toothbrushes. Beside them, however, were packs of two or four in pastels and bright colours. She reached out for the pack of two, pink and blue, and wondered if Nico needed a new toothbrush too. She shook her head—Nico had an electric one. Plus, she was supposed to be practical here. Not take an inch to run the mile and get matching couples toothbrush sets. Just the act of asking to keep a toothbrush there was bold enough—reckless enough.

Still, the blue and pink would be nice. Or maybe this purple and blue one. No, she liked the idea of seeing Nico brush her teeth in the morning with the soft pink one, eyes still heavy with sleep as she leaned against Karolina. She’d be wearing a UCLA t-shirt— Karolina’s—and it’d fall just a little over her shoulder. Her hair would be up in a messy bun, and strands of it would tickle Karolina’s neck as they stood brushing their teeth side by side.

God. She had it bad.

Karolina quickly shook herself out of the fantasy and grabbed the single blue toothbrush. Their relationship still didn’t have a name to it, she reminded herself. Slow down, or you’ll mess it all up again.

Toothbrush in hand, Karolina rounded the corner and into the laundry aisle. Nico looked up from the orange container in her hands and smiled brightly as Karolina approached. She opened her mouth to greet her, but an unfamiliar voice beat her to it.

“Nico.”

Nico frowned, then turned. Karolina followed her gaze over her shoulder, and her blood ran cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! It's been a crazy week post season 3. We are all grieving. 
> 
> But hey! It's the holiday season, so here is a quick update. Hoping you are all building healthy relationships with happiness wherever you are. 
> 
> There is only one song this week: The Few Things - JP Saxe and Charlotte Lawrence 
> 
> I really love this song. Actually built my whole playlist for this fic around it. I think it really, really gets at the core of deanoru and everything they represent. Two people with separate lives, separate traumas, separate doubts, yet want more than anything to build a world together. Damn, that's beautiful.
> 
> PS. I'll probably take some time over my break from work to edit the chapters so far for errors. I mostly write on my phone, so autocorrect can be a bit iffy. Apologies for any confusion so far!


	6. Chapter 6

Tina Minoru was a woman who exuded power in every elegant movement. On every magazine cover she’d ever graced, she seemed to inspire nothing less than fear and awe when you studied her deep eyes and regal allure. She regaled attention, pulsed with the kind of energy that made people weak. Anybody who had ever seen a picture of her seemed to understand that nobody disappointed Tina Minoru. Ever. And somehow, outside of magazine covers, she was even more intimidating.

Karolina recognized her immediately from billboards, screens, and coloured print. Though she wasn’t exactly in tune with tabloid gossip and the lifestyle of the rich and famous, she lived in civilized society long enough to know Tina Minoru’s face and name. It was impossible to miss. Vaguely, she remembered seeing a recently published memoir at the library. The world seemed to be completely enamoured with the ruthless queen of the informational revolution, the undisputed ruler of a vast kingdom. She had an air about her, a sort of beauty that nobody could forget. She was the woman whose cutthroat ambitions—an open secret given how aggressively she devoured her competition—earned her ownership of the world in almost every way. And the world loved being held captive beneath Tina Minoru’s heeled feet. It loved to sympathize with villains, loved the underdog story of a lone woman building an empire from the dust, falling in love with the perfectly compliant man behind the curtain, and having it all. Tina Minoru perfectly embodied that romance and more.

And here she was, clad in an expensive-looking slate dress, with her hair in a meticulously sculpted updo. In the middle of a supermarket. Something about the juxtaposition of this imposing figure in her little world of domesticity was deeply unsettling. Chilling in a way she could not describe.

She was shorter in person without the red carpet heels, Karolina thought despite how tightly her fists were clenched. And yet, as she stood before her now in the laundry aisle, there was a familiarity about her that had sent shivers up Karolina’s spine.

It quickly became clear when Nico spoke.

“Mom. Tina.”

Nico turned to face Tina now, but in her peripheral, Karolina could see her fingers trembling against the orange bottle of detergent. Karolina stepped up, almost subconsciously, behind Nico, and pressed a hand to the small of her back for comfort—the surprising revelation would have to wait. Tina Minoru angled a disapproving glare in her direction, but said nothing. She simply addressed her daughter again, just a single degree warmer: “Nico.”

“What are you doing here?” Nico asked, mirroring the frosty tone.

“Your father has the flu,” she said, rolling her eyes. She lifted the small box of cold medicine in her hand. “He insisted.”

Nico didn’t move. “Isn’t this a little beneath you?” She said, expressionless save for the slight clench at the jaw. “What, did you give Robert a cold with all that ice in your veins?”

Tina crossed her arms and ignored the remark. “Perhaps you should give up this little tantrum of yours and come home. Or do you insist on sulking about the past for the rest of your life?”

Karolina frowned, and found herself moving, ready to lunge at this woman, infamously villainous or not. Nico stepped in front of her, however, and together they earned no more than a quirk of the brow from Tina.

“I’ll think about coming home when you figure out how to lose the horns and be a decent human being for five seconds,” Nico said, in spite of the slight waver in her voice. Tina, to her credit, looked surprised, if only for one flickering moment where her brows shifted a fraction. Nico would’ve missed it if she hadn’t been looking so very hard for the reaction.

“Nevertheless,” Tina said coolly, straightening up slightly to point her nose up even higher somehow, “perhaps it was fate that I would run into you.” She flicked her wrist in a circular gesture and made a face. “Here of all places. We will be holding our annual fundraiser on Christmas Eve, in case you’ve forgotten. We made excuses for you for the last two years but, really now, you should know better, Nico. We have lost enough, don’t you think?” Karolina heard a sharp intake of breath from in front of her. From her peripheral, she saw something dim within Nico, her fight shot out of her by a single blow. She clenched her fist, and semi-rational anger seem to bubble forth and ask whether she could get away with beating this woman within an inch of her life. “We will be expecting you to attend this year.” With a wry smile in Karolina’s direction, Tina added, “Bring a _proper_ date. If you must. People will be watching.”

At that, any inkling of pleasure Nico had derived from insulting Tina faded and whatever had grabbed hold of her suddenly ignited into anger. Her eyes flashed. And as much as she appreciated Nico’s protectiveness—as much as she wanted to hurt the woman herself—Karolina reflexively reached for her arm and held her in place before she could throw the bottle of detergent at Tina’s head. Though Nico’s gaze did not stray from her mother’s to acknowledge Karolina, she stayed put. “Nico,” she whispered. “Don’t.”

Taking in a deep breath, Nico levelled one last glare, and said, “Goodbye, Tina. Tell Robert I said hi.”

Nico tossed the bottle of detergent into the cart, the metal ringing loudly out into the tense silence, and walked away as fast as she could. Karolina turned to follow her, then stopped. Something—anger, perhaps—compelled her to glance back. She wasn’t sure what she was looking for, but she certainly wasn’t expecting to see Tina glaring at the floor like a reprimanded child. Karolina’s brows rose. Tina’s shoulders slumped slightly, almost imperceptibly, and she suddenly seemed…lost. Small. Defeated, even. And not so scary. Tina raised her eyes and met Karolina’s. A long moment passed between them. Her gaze was steady and clear. Studious. Probing. Curious, but not entirely unkind.

“You,” Tina said, as she sucked in a breath in attempt to regain the composure she so valued. A beat later, her gaze seemed sharp enough to lance right through her, and Karolina felt her hair stand on end. “Nico seems to trust you, and yet I’ve never seen you before. Who are you and what do you want with my daughter?”

The confidence that came with undue anger had by now vanished completely, and Karolina now felt the full weight of this woman’s frustration with the entire situation. She wanted to run right after Nico, but something told her to plant her feet and answer the question.

Two enormous questions she’d been asking herself for weeks. No big deal, right?

After a quick deliberation, she went with the ambiguous truth: “Just somebody who cares.”

“Hm,” Tina said, studying her from top to bottom with crossed arms and a tattooed frown. “I see.”

A moment more passed as they simply stared each other down. Finally, Karolina took this as her cue to leave, but Tina’s voice caught her attention once more. “Take care of her,” she said, her arms dropping to her sides. “She is…not as strong as she wants to be, and…that is not always a bad thing.”

Karolina gave up a small smile. “I will.”

Tina nodded, her expression as grave as ever, then walked away.

Perhaps, Karolina thought as she listened to the clacking of Tina’s heels fade away, she wasn’t the villainess she portrayed herself to be.

* * *

  
A few minutes later, Karolina found Nico in the pet aisle, huddled on the bottom shelf beside a large bag of dog food. She kneeled down to meet her eyes. “Are you okay?”

Nico nodded stiffly. “I will be. Just…surprised.” 

The corner of Karolina’s lips rose in a nervous half-smile as she tried to lighten the mood. “I see what’s you mean now when you said your mom doesn’t bake.”

“No,” Nico laughed, bringing a more genuine smile to Karolina’s face. Sadly, the joy quickly dimmed. “You recognized her, didn’t you?”

Karolina nodded once. “It’s hard not to. She…is scarier in person.”

“And yet you looked like you wanted to kill her.”

Karolina laughed, though the mirth didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Yeah, kinda. She was upsetting you.”

Nico shrugged. “That was nothing. If anything, that was her being nice. She’s always been…not easy to grow up with, that’s for sure.” She paused, then dropped her head into her hands to avoid Karolina’s eyes. “Sorry I didn’t tell you. About my family. It’s…messy.”

“Nico,” Karolina chuckled. She lifted her chin up with a finger to meet her eyes. “What were you supposed to say? ‘Hi, I’m Nico, and my mom is kind of scary’?”

Nico’s teeth nevertheless tugged at her bottom lip in a gesture that was, to Karolina, both adorable and disheartening. “Still, maybe you should’ve known. It doesn’t…put you off, does it?”

Karolina raised her brow. “Why would it?”

“I don’t know. Some people might think it’s kind of intimidating. And it’s…extra baggage. Like, a lot of it.”

Karolina shrugged. “I’ve known you for a little while now, and who your mom is doesn’t really change the way I feel about you.” She blushed, then bristled. She considered making a joke when she realized she’d given too much of herself away again, but shook her head and pushed on. “I don’t think it’s intimidating.”

Nico seemed to relax then, tipping her head from side to side, as she sucked the inside of her cheek thoughtfully. “Okay, then,” she said finally. Karolina grinned. Her hand was still lightly cradling Nico’s jaw—how easy would it be to pull herself in for a kiss? To pull herself into the vulnerability in her eyes?

But Nico cleared her throat, and the moment transformed when she asked, “You’re not going to marry me for my money, are you?”

They froze, blinking at each other as they both tried to process the words that came barreling out of Nico’s mouth.

“I didn’t mean to say it out loud like that,” Nico mumbled, pulling herself further into the shelf. “It was meant to be a joke. I think. Now I don’t know.”

“Well,” Karolina replied with an airy, nervous laugh. “It’s pretty tempting. Even with an in-law like Tina Minoru.” Her response was supposed to lighten the mood—to playfully bounce back the joke—but now the image of putting a ring on Nico’s finger was probably going to haunt her imagination for the rest of her days. It was a pleasant image: simple silver bands with hidden inscriptions, testaments to everything they had and will overcome. She liked the image of Nico in a simple white dress, surrounded by everyone who loved her. It would be a simple wedding, filled with—stop, Karolina told herself. “Friends for now” wasn’t exactly synonymous with “committed for life”, she grumbled inwardly. No matter how much she found herself wanting to be. 

As if she could read her mind—or in a burst of hope, thinking the same thing—Nico covered her face, the tips of her ears pink. 

Karolina shook her head of her thoughts and grabbed Nico’s hand. “C’mon, let’s finish shopping,” she said with a wide smile. “I’ll buy you ice cream after.”

“Really?” Nico lifted her eyes. “Don’t you need to practice? You have a show on Saturday.”

Karolina gave a small shrug, swinging their clasped hands slightly. “Some things are more important.”

Nico knitted her fingers between Karolina’s, and gave a small nod before allowing herself to be pulled up like she was a kid again. “Okay,” she mumbled, flashing an embarrassed smile. “I have to put the detergent back first. I was looking for pods, but…Tina happened and I didn’t really know what to do with my hands. Sorry, my hand’s a little sticky.”

But Karolina didn’t let go. Instead, she squeezed tighter. “You’re fine. Just perfect.”

* * *

Later at the park across from Nico’s apartment, Karolina handed Nico a waffle cone piled high with colourful balls of ice cream. Nico blinked as she took the massive cone in both hands. “Wow,” she said.

“Yeah,” Karolina said, shrugging one shoulder sheepishly. “It’s a bit much. I asked for a double, but he insisted.”

“I think somebody’s got a crush on you.” She lifted her chin in the direction of the ice cream vendor, who waved at them excitedly from his red and white striped cart.

Karolina laughed. “I should’ve told him I only like women I can marry for money,” she replied with a grin.

Nico rolled her eyes. “Someone’s getting ahead of themselves.” Outside in the sunlight, the light tone and slight smile only added to the playfulness. Karolina’s smile widened, a little in awe of how easily she played along. Perhaps, if Nico wasn’t repulsed by the idea, she could safely entertain the image of matching rings on ring fingers a little longer.

The pair strolled over to a park bench, where Nico sat down, careful not to spill the contents of the waffle cone all over her ruffle-cuffed blouse. Karolina sidled up to her and held up two tiny plastic shovel-like spoons. Nico smiled when she handed her a spoon, but the tension about her was clear. Tina must’ve left a number of bruises behind when she showed her face.

Karolina watched her for a moment, wondering if she should speak, but Nico seemed completely elsewhere when she took a corner of mint ice cream into her mouth. The easy lightness of the minutes before seemed to evaporate all at once as thoughts churned behind her eyes. Unsure what the magic words were to make the darkness disappear, she allowed the silence to bend and stretch, and waited until Nico was ready.

“Listen,” Nico said, long moments later, “My family is…broken. Probably permanently, given our history and…our personalities. My parents like to pretend we aren’t, but we are. And…I probably shouldn’t have assumed your family could be…so easily fixed either. What I’m trying to say is, um, even though I…I said I’d hoped you could reconcile with your mom again…maybe that was presumptuous of me. I mean… I wish, more than anything, that I had more time with Amy, but I shouldn’t have pushed that onto you so selfishly. Seeing my mom today really…I feel like a hypocrite.” She lifted her eyes and caught Karolina’s bewildered eyes. “I’m sorry.”

Karolina shook her head. “You have nothing to apologize for.” She laid a hand on Nico’s knee. “You weren’t wrong—I _want_ more time with my mom.” She sighed. “To be honest,” she paused to take her lip between her teeth, “I came back to LA hoping to run into her again, but I haven’t had the courage...look? Once in a while, I see someone who looks like her on the streets, and I just kind of panic and run the other way. I don’t know why. I guess, I’m…I’m so afraid of what she might think of me. And…I mean, what if she never even missed me?”

Nico scooped up a small mound of the dark chocolate-chip vanilla ice cream and held it up to Karolina’s lips. Karolina’s eyes flitted from the ice cream to the focused expression on Nico’s face. She leaned forward and accepted the spoonful as she waited for Nico to gather her thoughts. She liked this flavour, she decided. Unassuming yet rich. Sweet. A little bitter. Complex. A little like Nico.

“You know, after Tina showed up out of nowhere and I saw you with that deer-in-the-headlights look on your face, I realized that we don’t even know each other’s last names,” Nico said with a low chuckle. “Well, I guess now you know mine.”

“My last name is Dean—pretty boring. No relation to any famous tech moguls, past, present, or future, as far as I know. But…it’s pretty amazing, isn’t it?” Karolina said, a small smile alight on her face. “That you can find such a deep connection with somebody over the course of months and not even know their last name.” She paused, the smile slipping. “Or you can know someone for a lifetime and not find the slightest shred of real, genuine connection.”

Nico nodded thoughtfully—empathetically. “Tell me more about her. Mrs. Dean. What is she like?”

“Um, I guess you already know a little bit. Now…well, last I heard, she’s a philanthropist. Runs a bunch of organizations, goes to church—the kind of person who can do no wrong,” Karolina said, feigning nonchalance by taking another scoop of the vanilla with her own plastic spoon. She swallowed, and tried to tamp down the feeling of her stomach wrenching tightly itself like a wet towel as she tried to wrangle out clear images of her mother.

Nico said nothing, though her eyes stayed trained on Karolina’s face as she listened. Instead, she bit off a piece of the waffle cone and waited for Karolina to work through her thoughts. “For most of my life,” Karolina continued slowly, “she was my best friend. She listened and cared and always made sure I felt loved. And I think I really was loved for a time, but…I don’t know. I just wanted to be like her. Perfect and adored. When I was little, I used to go to events with my mother and watch people swarm around her. I’d never forget the way the people seemed to follow her around, and the way she just exuded so much…strength. Everything she did, she always seemed so perfect. Strong, self-assured, yet gentle. The only time I saw her differently was…you know.” Karolina heaved a sigh, and felt the warm press of Nico’s shoulder against her own. She hadn’t noticed how close together they’d been sitting until now, and she did not hesitate to flash a grateful smile.

“Sounds like Tina. Except for the gentle part,” Nico chuckled. “Maybe they’d be good friends if Tina was capable of making those.”

“Meeting Tina today, I definitely think they’re way more similar than I would expect,” Karolina said with a nod. “Not that I’d ever expected to meet Tina Minoru in the first place.”

“Somehow, I doubt they are. Tina has a pretty unique way of being the devil incarnate.”

Karolina leaned back against the bench and dropped her hand in her lap with her spoon. “Your mom might be cold, but at least she’s obvious about it. My mom…I don’t know who she’s become after eight years, but realizing she had all these masks and all these secret…thoughts. It’s a different kind of evil, you know?”

“Yeah…that’s true. When you said she discovered you were different,” Nico said slowly, “she didn’t walk in on you, did she?”

Karolina smiled the saddest smile Nico had ever seen, and it did something to her insides she didn’t enjoy. She watched Karolina’s profile steadily, helplessly, as she looked out across the park, where a young couple pushed a stroller alongside their trotting dog. “Yeah, sort of,” she whispered. “It’s kind of stupid now when I think about it, and, um, I don’t want to bore you with the details.”

Nico, however, was waiting once more, her spoon hovering empty in mid-air. The ice cream was melting, Karolina noticed in the back of her mind. Nico urged her on with a tilt of her head. Karolina sucked in another breath, held it, then exhaled.

“Okay, well, um, my mother found me under the stairs at church with a girl—god, I can’t even remember her name or face or how we even got there anymore. It wasn’t like we were in love. I think we were just curious and I was kind of…at a breaking point by then, you know? But…my mom found us and I…I’ll never forget the look on her face. I don’t think I can put it into words. She just looked so…winded? I don’t think that’s the right word. Just…absolutely disgusted. I almost didn’t recognize her. That—I think—that was the moment I realized I couldn’t keep up this charade of a perfect daughter anymore—that no matter what I did, it would be rooted in lies. And to see how my mom felt about that kind of imperfection? It was…heartbreaking, yes, but I think it was in _that_ moment that I realized there was something beneath _her_ perfect exterior too. Like, all this time, her love came with terms and conditions. It’s kind of funny and kind of scary—that moment when you realized your parents aren’t heroes, or even necessarily good people, you know? In a way…yes, I’m scared to see my mom again because I don’t want her to be disappointed in me, but…”

“You also don’t want to be disappointed with her,” Nico finished with a wry smile. “Or your memory of her.”

Karolina softened. “Yeah. Exactly.”

Nico gave the cone in her hand a frustrated glance, as if wishing it could disappear for a moment. With her hands full, she opted for the next best thing and gave Karolina’s shoulder a quick nuzzle with her own. “I want to hug you,” Nico confessed when Karolina met her eyes with a quizzical stare.

With a short burst of laughter, Karolina wrapped her arms around Nico, careful to avoid the ice cream cone, and squeezed. It was strangely comforting, even if Nico wasn’t the one to initiate the hug. Her smaller frame was warm, sturdy, and thrumming with comfort and strength. The truth slid out easily: “I miss her, Nico, but I’m scared. I don’t want to see that…that disappointment again. I’m just…scared.”

“When you’re ready,” Nico whispered back, “I will be there and stand with you. If you want.”

“Okay,” Karolina sighed. “Then…when the time comes, I want to stand with you too, Nico.”

Nico pulled away and shook her head. “No, I…I’m not like you. My mom isn’t like yours, Karolina. What we have is…it can’t be fixed.”

Karolina held her gently by the shoulders. “But I think maybe deep down…you know that doesn’t have to be true. This…this anger, pain, resentment, and—and this fear—don’t you want to let it all go one day?”

“How?” Nico glared now, emotions bubbling beneath the surface. “Am I supposed to just stand here and pretend nothing happened? Then what? We hold hands and go back to being the regular family we never were?”

Karolina rubbed both sides of Nico’s arms in attempt to calm her. “That’s not what I’m saying, Nico—please. I just…I just thought you might want…I don’t know—closure? Peace? Healing? I want you to be happy, Nico, but—

Nico drew back abruptly from Karolina and focused a glare on the ice cream. The mint had melted into the vanilla, and she took a large spoonful of both flavours. “Two and a half years ago, the only thing I _wanted_ —has ever wanted—was to take over the family business. I’d been groomed alongside my sister—my whole life, all we were ever taught to do was to succeed our parents. But without her…” Nico jabbed a little at the ice cream before taking another bite to collect herself. “What the hell does Tina expect me to do? I can’t _do_ anything. I don’t mean anything to her but a stain on her image. Especially now, when I’ve spent two years being a fucking failure.” She shook her head. “So, I don’t need my family to find peace, Karolina. They’ve made it clear it’s not an option.”

“Nico,” Karolina said softly as she wrapped her hand around Nico’s on the cone, “Don’t get mad, but I think…I think you’re wrong.”

Nico’s eyes narrowed. “Karolina, I think I know—”

“Wait. Please. Let me finish, okay?” She spoke as gingerly as possible, even as the hand beneath hers seemed ready to crush the crispy waffle into a thousand pieces. “I know I’m overstepping—I’m an outsider and I’m not…I don’t know everything about your family, but I think…well, what if your mom is just…waiting for a chance to apologize? What if she actually wants to be a real family? Earlier, she asked me to take care of you—I…I really think that maybe…”

“No,” Nico cut in, rebuffing Karolina’s tentative smile with a scowl. “Look, my mother isn’t like yours, Karolina. She’s _never_ had a sweet side, or even a remotely motherly side. You don’t understand.”

“But I saw her, Nico. The way she looked, she was so…small—fragile.”

“ _Don’t_ take her side. Please. I-I can’t—I can’t unpack all of this for you right now. I can’t tell you all the damage she’s done because I’m pretty sure I haven’t fucking catalogued everything.”

“I know I don’t have any right to tell you how you should feel about your mother,” Karolina pressed on. “But it haunts you—I can see that it does—I just think forgiveness is—it doesn’t have to be today, Nico, or even tomorrow. It’s just—”

“No.” Karolina leaned back slightly as she watched the emotions sink in deep into Nico and take possession. “You just don’t fucking get it, Karolina, and you’re not listening to me,” she whispered, her volume rising to an eerie combination of calm and furious. “You’ve known me for all of two minutes, so—yes, you’re right—don’t you _dare_ think you have the _right_ to tell me I should forgive that woman.”

“I’m not—”

“Shut up!”

Karolina froze, stunned. Nico was standing now, so suddenly, her entire frame trembling. The ice cream oozed out of its soggy cone on the slab of concrete beneath the bench. Karolina’s hand stretched out beneath it, still holding onto Nico’s essence like a ghost beneath her stiff fingers.

It happened so quickly.

“I’m just…I’m going to go.”

“Nico, don’t…please. I didn’t mean to—”

The words came out before Karolina could fully process what happened between each syllable. Her stomach clenched almost painfully.

“Bye.”

Nico ducked her eyes and turned away, the anger written all over her face.

What just happened?

Nico’s boots echoed silently across the grass, each step just loud enough to break her heart.

What had she done?

She watched as her retreating back got smaller and smaller, disappearing completely behind a parked car.

Why did she keep pushing?

Karolina’s face fell into her hands; her hands fell to her knees—her body folded as she closed her eyes and plunged herself into the darkness.

And how was she going to ever unsee that same disappointment her mother wore on Nico’s face?

* * *

Nico ran until her lungs strained and she could feel nothing but the basest instinct for air in her lungs. Her treadmill whirred angrily beneath her, matching her in every way as it shook the floors of her apartment, ready to give out at any moment. Yes, Nico still angry. Annoyed, even. And if she was feeling honest—and she had been feeling many things about herself for the past few days—she was deeply, deeply disappointed in herself for running away like that. Karolina was just trying to help—she didn’t deserve any of it. She deserved to be heard at the very least, even if what she said cut her to the core. At least she could admit that she was wrong now after hours upon hours of sleepless stewing.

Once she turned off her treadmill, she grabbed her bottle of water and slid down to lay her back vertically along the belt. She stared up at the ceiling and heaved several heavy breaths as she reflected on the week.

The last week was the hardest it’d ever been since her first day of sobriety. She’d talked herself in circles and distracted herself into listless boredom with shows she couldn’t focus on and walks she didn’t enjoy as she passed faces that weren’t Karolina’s. Worse, there was the spine-crushing guilt. It was so dark and familiar, and she knew the cure. Her entire body seemed to crave the quick and easy cure, but as she laid in bed that first night, eyes wide open as she felt her mind crumble the world around her, she saw herself in that endless cycle once more. She saw all the bottles and pills she’d consumed, everything she’d ever inhaled, every stranger she’d ever fucked—all lined up in front of her and out the door like a long row of dominos. She saw herself, hurting everyone she loved, again and again and again because she couldn’t do anything right. What had she ever done to deserve the time and patience people gave her?

By day two, she knew she couldn’t put her friends through this again. So, she locked herself inside. 

She’d cut off all lines of communication, and when Gert showed up at the door on the second day, she’d shut her up with reassurances that she wasn’t drinking and promptly turned her away. She was doing it again, she knew—cutting people out when she had nothing to offer but baggage. But while the darkness still had her pinned down, it was better this way.

On the fourth day, a quiet knock came to the door. Nico was curled up in bed, listening to the silence. A second knock came after five minutes, then footsteps down the hall. She knew, as she clutched her blankets around her head, it was Karolina. Sweet, kind, and beautiful Karolina, who saw things in her that she did not understand, who seemed to know in that moment how much she wanted to open the door and let her in.

God, she should’ve just opened the door. It should’ve been so easy. Apologize. Beg for forgiveness. Promise to never hurt her again. But the impossibility of such a promise held her back. She remembered Karolina’s watery eyes, and the guilt was just too heavy.

On the treadmill, she heaved another sigh and flung her arm out against the hardwood floor, where she blindly reached for her phone. Once she had it, she wasn’t sure why she grabbed it—just something to do perhaps. She still didn’t have Karolina’s number, nor did she turn her phone off from airplane mode. Absently, she scrolled through her photo album, and marvelled at the emptiness there. The only pictures she had since she bought this phone two years ago were default photos and blurry, drunken photos she did not remember taking. She’d travelled all around the world, and she had nothing to show for it, she realized, swallowing a lump into the gaping cavern inside her.

Her old phone had been filled with life. Moments captured even in empty scenery, blurry selfies, and pointless artifacts of the mundane. Her old phone had so much of her past life. So much of Amy. And now it was gone—in a drawer she would never use again, in a house she would never set foot in again.

Unless Tina opened the door.

Suddenly, a sparkling montage of her mother’s many over-the-top fundraisers flitted through her memories. In each one, she could see her parents dressed to the nines, at the centre of attention. Amy would be wandering around, pretending to mingle while she snagged shrimp from passing wait staff. She would unfailingly catch Nico’s eye from various corners of the expensive venues, no matter where she tried to stay light of sight. There were no pillars, no plants, no balloons big enough that Nico could hide. Amy would always find her. When she did, she’d always slip a nice, bubbly flute into her hand, even when she wasn’t old enough yet, and pull her back to the center of the room. Nico recalled vividly the few times she snapped at Amy when the constant smiling and platitudes became too much. Even more vividly was how Amy, in her infinite patience, would simply roll her eyes and remind her to play nice.

God, she missed Amy.

And now she was left missing Karolina too. And wondering if she should be missing the future they could’ve had. All because she absolutely hated how much she wanted Karolina to be right. Emotions boiled in the pit of her stomach at the thought of earning her parents love and forgiveness, and it really, really pissed her off. Nico clutched her stomach and glared up at her ceiling. _They_ weren’t exactly blameless either. In fact, they’d been quite clear they didn’t give a fuck when they didn’t try to stop her from leaving. With the kind of words they tossed around so callously, they practically packed her bags for her. After all, everyone needed somebody to blame.

And what if Karolina was right? If Tina magically grew a human soul overnight and decided she could be a mother and love her child—then what? She’d go home? Pick up where her internship at Wizard left off two years ago?

She couldn’t forgive her mother for pinning this burden on her, but she’d already dedicated two years of her life to anger and misery. Tina shouldn’t be able to hurt her anymore. Shouldn’t be able to keep her future from her. Wizard was her birthright.

Nico scoffed.

These thoughts collapsed in on themselves like quicksand, suddenly seeming inconsequential.

Nico simply wished once more that Karolina was here with her. All she wanted right now was to forget Tina and curl up in Karolina’s lap and bury herself in her neck and fall asleep in her scent.

How was she supposed to fix this?

Why the hell did she walk away from the best thing to have ever happened to her? Why did she _always_ walk away?

Finally, her breathing returned to normal and she closed her eyes and soaked in the dark serenity of her room for one long moment. She felt the warmth of her room, the coolness of the floor beneath, the steadiness of her heartbeat.

Then, she did the only thing she could think of. She pushed herself up to a sitting position and swiped airplane mode off her phone.

It took only two rings.

“Hey, Gert, are you busy right now?”

“Nico? Oh my god, she lives! About time, you jackass. Kept me waiting long enough,” Gert replied enthusiastically—she could almost picture the elaborate hand gestures, even more so when Nico flinched away from her phone at the sound of rustling, a loud clack, and a string of distant cursing. “Sorry, dropped my phone. Making lunch right now. What’s up?”

“I think I fucked up big time with Karolina and I need some help.”

“Jesus, Nico,” Metal clanged against metal, then a click. Nico could picture Gert placing her phone on her shoulder, as if it were one of those old-timey rotary phones, when she heard a muffled shout: “Hey, babe? Can you finish lunch? I have a Nico-mergency.”

“That is so not a thing,” Nico grumbled when Gert returned to the phone in a quieter space. “Doesn’t even roll off the tongue.”

A leather chair squeaked as Gert fell into it. Nico vaguely remembered being pulled through the furniture store and helping them pick out a big, fluffy chair for their den. It was either brown, black, or white. All Nico could recall now was the splitting hangover she had that day. She cringed.

“Back to Karolina,” Gert said, her tone serious. “I truly hope you’re just being overdramatic. What happened?”

Nico had halfway expected her to ask, “What did you do?” and was surprised but grateful that she didn’t. She recounted their night together, under the blanket while watching RuPaul’s Drag Race, going to the supermarket, Tina, ice cream, and her days of wallowing. She’d never known herself to be so overly honest in the past, but by the end, she could barely breathe when she realized spared no details. She just wanted Karolina back.

“Wow,” Gert whispered. “Give me a second, I’m not used to having to compute so much Nico at once.”

“Very funny,” Nico chuckled, feeling the tension ease off her shoulders a little. She didn’t know why she was so tense—it was just Gert.

“Man, I gotta say—Karolina? That girl’s brave. And I don’t just mean because she didn’t run at the sight of Tina—I mean, to tell you to _forgive_ Tina? Has she met you? Does she know your history?”

Nico nodded, then realizing Gert couldn’t see her, muttered an embarrassed, “Yes.”

“So, what are _you_ thinking? Clearly you’re on the fence about something if you’re calling me. Is this about Tina?”

“No, I’m…not thinking about that Tina bullshit right now. Not right now, anyway,” Nico confessed, “I’m more worried about losing Karolina. I was…I hurt her, Gert. I could see it on her face, but I just…walked away.”

“You were upset,” Gert said gently. “It’s a normal reaction, I don’t think she’d—”

“I _hurt_ her. I told her I’d be a better person, but I…ugh, it’s such a little thing. Because of my evil mom, I put that—that look on her face.”

“Nico, stop. I swear to God, if you’re officially denying yourself a relationship because you hurt her this one time, I’m going to come over right now and slap you across the face. Hard. Backhand for extra emphasis.”

“What the f—”

“You had a fight. Jesus, not even a real fight. You had a moment where you experienced real human feelings—whoop dee doo. Big deal. Talk it out. Apologize.” Nico tightened her grip on her phone, ready to slam that red button when her anger began to bubble.

In a softer tone, Gert added, “I know you want to be a better person, but even the best people aren’t infallible. This stuff happens, Nico.”

“Yeah, but you don’t have to be an ass about it,” Nico muttered after a long moment. The anger suddenly evaporated, replaced by a familiar sense of resignation. A long sigh soon accompanied the deflation of her heart.

“Sorry,” Gert chuckled in a way that said she wasn’t sorry at all. “I just know you, Nico. You’re always hard on yourself. You and your—”

“Toxic relationship with happiness, yeah, yeah.”

“See? It happens so often that I can even skip my monologue.” Gert released a long breath. “Look, I’ll always be on your side—you understand that, right? I can’t make any decisions for you, but I’m here for you. I don’t know if Karolina is the answer to all of your problems—a part of me hopes she is because I love the stupid look on your face every time she shows up. Like, okay, she’s gorgeous, she can probably save lives with her face, we get it, Nico.” Nico couldn’t stop the bubble of laughter even if she tried—it was true; she already had, in her books. “Good, now we’re laughing. Relax, okay? Just—don’t give up on her so easily. She’s a good one.”

Nico groaned and laid her head back down on her treadmill. “You’re right. I hate that you’re right. I should talk to her.”

“Oh my god, Nico, that’s like the first step.”

“Asshole.”

“Love you too,” Gert chuckled. “And if you want grand gestures, I’m sure Chase and Molly has ideas. They’ve been binging way too many romcoms together.”

“Yeah?” Nico chuckled.

“Yeah, you better believe they planned the big proposal last time we got dinner together. At Karolina’s future sell-out show in front of tens of thousands of people…”

Gert’s voice suddenly faded.

Nico’s eyes widened.

The acid in her stomach churned.

The show.

She’d completely forgotten about the show. She told Karolina she wouldn’t miss it for the world, but…

“Gert,” Nico whispered, her voice tight, “what day is it?”

“Uh, Sunday. Why?”

She’d missed the show.

Nico dropped her phone, her heart pounding loud in her ears. An almost primal cry ripped out from her throat as she slammed a fist against the floor. Over and over—she wanted to hit something until she bled.

How could she be so _fucking_ stupid? So naïve? How could she hurt Karolina like this? How could she have felt, even for a single moment, that she deserved…any of this happiness?

“Nico?” Gert’s voice, small and distant through the phone, fell on deaf ears. “Hello? Nico, what’s wrong? You’re scaring me here.”

Nico curled up beside her treadmill, her fists sore and her heart bruised. This was all her fault, she chanted over and over again in her head.

“I’ll be over in thirty minutes—I swear to god, you better not do anything stupid, okay? Nico? Fuck, I hope you can hear me. Chase? Hey, Chase? We gotta go! Now!”

When the tears came, she heard nothing but the sound of her own voice eating her up from the inside. Felt nothing but her own trembling hands, desperate to smash something into pieces. To feel the anger break her skin and the grief translate into physical pain.

Slowly, she stood up, desperate to feel anything but this black hole inside of her.

* * *

On the Thursday after her show, Karolina still could not get over that horrible, anxious, panicky feeling about the way she’d possibly, single-handedly destroyed everything her and Nico and built up. She’d thrown the last week and a half into work and music, forgoing normal functions like eating and sleeping when the anxious feeling seemed to have its own permanent exhibition in her mind. She knew this cycle well, knew when her abandonment issues would sneak up and choke her down, but she couldn’t fight it back. All she wanted was to fix this—she was simply too weak.

A small voice, sounding suspiciously like Nico, told her it was going to be okay—it had only been a week or so—but the louder part of her brain was already imagining the rest of her life carrying her broken heart with her. Her exhausted mind constantly pestered her with the conversation and the what-ifs.

She just wanted to hug Nico close and forget everything that happened.

Except she couldn’t do that. She made it clear when she walked away. She made it _very_ clear when she did not answer the door, leaving her to replay her memories to death and fill in the blanks. But the worst part of this loop of memories, she knew, was that a big part of her didn’t regret how it played out. Karolina remembered the expression on Tina’s face, then remembered the expression on Nico’s. As much as it hurt to see Nico look at her like that and hearing the words she threw in her anger, she didn’t regret saying the things that Nico needed to hear.

Presumptuous as it was, that part of her revelled in that leap of faith for the sake of Nico’s happiness. That annoying part of her clearly didn’t seem to notice the giant Nico-shaped hole in her heart.

The one that stepped into the library today, feeling lonelier than ever. This would be the fourth session she’d spend alone, the fourth session she’d spend sulking, regretting, and getting nothing done. Perhaps university was too far from her grasp after all.

God, she missed Nico. The disappointment had nearly swallowed her up the first time she arrived at their empty table alone. She could still feel the panic rise up as the clock ticked by, and the heavy dread that settled in her stomach when she finally accepted that Nico wasn’t coming.

Then, the show. Karolina blinked back the tears as she tried to forget the gripping terror she felt at Saturday’s show. There were so many faces in the bar—yet none of them were Nico’s. It was a miracle she made it through the night. She shook her head, not wanting to think about the finality of that gesture. Not wanting to cry in front of the group of young children currently shuffling past her through the front entrance of the library in single file.

Just past the entrance, Karolina lingered at the shelf of popular recommendations for a moment, and studied the cover of Tina Minoru’s autobiography. Her arms were crossed, much like they were when they met, and her smile was perfectly controlled, seemingly much like everything else about Tina Minoru’s life. Unable to resist on this particular afternoon, she picked up a copy and thumbed through the pages.

Her personal story drew out in flowy, extravagant prose, but the content was surprisingly sparse—empty, almost. Karolina skimmed over the brief love story, subsequent marriage, and the birth of two unnamed children, then rifled through the pages and pages detailing the growth of her company and the opportunities that grew one after another. It was, for all intents and purposes, more of a textbook on informational technology and making savvy decisions than a biography. In other words, the most impersonal personal story that Tina could have written.

She placed the book back on the shelf, feeling no better nor wiser. Whoever wrote this book was not the Tina Minoru who asked her to take care of Nico. No, whoever wrote this book was a carefully sculpted PR stunt, a delicately carved ice sculpture that distracted the world from the massive iceberg beneath the murky waters.

She shook her head. It didn’t matter—not right now. She missed Nico terribly and the anxiety churning her stomach inside out was relentless. She stared at Tina Minoru’s face on the cover until she chipped it away and saw only her likeness to Nico. Calm down, Karolina chided herself, people came and went all the time—just like they did when she was on the road. No matter what happened, it would be fine. She was strong. Resilient. She was going to be okay. Even if she’d been repeating the mantra so often lately that it was starting to lose its charm.

Karolina rubbed a hand down her face as she walked across the library, her heart pounding louder at every step. Torn between fear and longing, she could feel every molecule in her body vibrating with anticipation as she wove through the shelves to reach their usual table. She wouldn’t resist if the vibrations crumpled her up completely.

Then, she stopped at the end of the aisle of French poetry. Somebody was at her table.

Nico.

Her heart skipped a beat, and she felt the warmth rush through her, like jumping into a warm blanket after a day in the snow. Karolina did not fight the smile from spreading across her face. Or the relief.

There was apprehension too, but she pocketed it for now.

Perhaps things would be okay, after all.

Nico wore her hair up today in a complicated-looking updo. Her hair and makeup, Karolina had long noticed, was getting progressively more elaborate. It was a good thing, especially the way her eyeliner brought out an unreal, entirely unique, and almost ethereal sort of beauty about her. Under the white fluorescent light now, wearing a chunky black sweater, and a nervous smile, Nico was easily the most beautiful creature Karolina had ever seen. 

“N-Nico,” Karolina breathed. She tugged at the yellow T-shirt she wore from her high school days— one of the few items she’d carried with her over the years—feeling more than a little self-conscious.

Upon seeing her approach, Nico shot up from her seat, slamming her knee into the table with a jarringly loud bang. Karolina rushed to her, trying her best not to laugh as a series of colourful expletives marched out of Nico’s mouth, one after another. “Are you okay?” She asked, concerned but thankful for the shift in the air around them.

Nico nodded, then straightened up, shaking it off as casually as she could. Karolina couldn’t bite back her grin—she hadn’t seen her so clumsy since the day she’d marched into Timely. With the intention to kiss you silly, Karolina remembered with a glowing warmth in her belly.

Nico reached down into the backpack beside her and pulled out a clear plastic box. At first glance, it looked like a take-out box, but when Nico extended it out to Karolina without meeting her eyes, she saw that it wasn’t. It was a corsage box. Inside, nestled among a bed of fresh lilies, was a silver bracelet.

Karolina waited for Nico to speak, to explain, but her nervous frustration was clear as day in the furrowed brows and the lip between her teeth. “What’s this for?” Karolina asked.

Slowly, Nico’s arm retracted the box. “I…I wanted to say I’m sorry,” she said, still unable to meet Karolina’s eyes. “I left. I was angry, but I shouldn’t have run away like that. I know you…must’ve been upset. I…thought about it a lot—like a _lot_ , and I think…I took it out on you because I didn’t want to see that you might be right. I’m sorry. You don’t have to forgive me—I was an ass—but…but I really am sorry.”

“Nico…”

“Karolina,” brown eyes caught blue with a fiery determination in both reflections, “I know I have no right to ask you this after everything, but would…you ever consider giving me a second chance?”

Karolina bit her lip, unsure what to say. A part of her wanted to accept her with open arms, no questions asked, because Nico was Nico, and Nico made her feel so many wonderful things.

But the apprehension swung back now in full force, and the other side of her—the side that remembered being tossed aside over and over, the side that remembered crying herself to sleep on Saturday night—was cautious. She eyed the beautiful silver bracelet warily—what if this was going to be a pattern? Could she handle that? What if this was who they were—constantly running and chasing, feeding the worst of each other’s demons? What if she got caught up in Nico’s relapse into those vicious cycles all over again? What if she ended up becoming the reason for Nico’s relapse?

Nico then spoke—her mind halted to a stop, ready to listen.

“Karolina,” she whispered, her eyes shining with unshed tears as she placed the box on the table, “I…really fucked up. I panicked, and I didn’t know what to do. I hurt you—even though I told myself I’d never hurt you—and I ended up hurting you even more by missing your show. You don’t have to believe me, but I truly, truly wanted to go. W-when I realized I missed it…” Nico pulled back the sleeves of her sweater to reveal white bandages around her hands. “Thank god I gave Gert an extra key,” she chuckled nervously. “I, uh, lost it a bit, I guess. Shattered my windows and stuff.”

“With your fists?” Karolina’s eyes were wide as she reached out instinctively and took her hands in hers. “Jesus,” she breathed, “are you okay? Does it still hurt?”

“Yeah, with my fists. And some other stuff. They definitely make it look easier than it really is in the movies. It’s not as bad as it looks,” Nico replied, smiling softly. “Mostly just sore now. I’ll probably get these bandages off in a couple of days.”

“W-why, Nico?” Karolina’s voice trembled, the guilt and the pain surging all at once into a lump in her throat.

But Nico held on by the fingertips, her eyes soft, warm, and open. “I was angry with myself. Very, very, very angry. About everything, really—losing Amy, losing you, and just letting all of that happen. I didn’t really know what else to do.” She then took a deep breath. “After this happened,” she said slowly, casting a brief glance at her hands, “Gert signed me up for this, um, online therapy thing. She said I can text them whenever I want, or call them, or whatever, so whenever my brain goes to weird, dark places, I have someone to talk to. And…not take it out on others.” She gripped Karolina’s hand a little tighter now, her eyes flashing with renewed vigour. “I don’t want to walk away from you again. If you’ll give me another chance, I want to be…better. I never want to hurt you again—that’s what I promised.”

Karolina let go of Nico’s hands and wrapped her up in a hug. She took in the familiar scent of her hair, the softness of her sweater, and the promise of her very being, and her heart swelled. She soon felt Nico’s arms snake along her back, pressing her close. “You don’t have to be better,” she whispered. “You never have to be anybody but yourself with me. It’s just…I want to be able to help you too. When you just…disappear, that’s—it’s just the worst feeling in the world, and I don’t know how to make you understand that.”

Nico pulled back. “Help me understand.”

Karolina ran the back of her finger along Nico’s cheek. “We promised to support each other, but we can’t do that if you shut me down and shut me out—that’s it. That’s all I ever wanted.” She pressed her forehead against Nico’s and closed her eyes. “I really thought you never wanted to see me again. When you didn’t come to my show, I thought... that was it. I’d fucked up and you were gone. I know I shouldn’t have pushed you, but—”

“Don’t. I was the one who was wrong. I’m sorry,” Nico whispered into the inch between them. “I’m really, really sorry.”

Karolina shook her head. “It’s never that easy Nico. You can’t keep apologizing and hope that fixes everything. We have…we both have boundaries. Flaws. Weaknesses. Imperfections. Baggage.” Karolina flinched back when the words came out harsher than intended. She drew out a frustrated breath, then took a step back, running a hand through her hair to try and clear her head of Nico’s sad eyes and inviting scent. “I just…”

Karolina wanted to forget everything and kiss the wrinkle between Nico’s brows. Forgive her and forget the week ever happened. But that familiar anxious feeling raked through her, the what-ifs bubbling up for air, the images of this endless cycle of begging for love where it did not—could not—exist. She couldn’t breathe.

“Karolina?” Nico drew closer, her eyes wide, concerned. Genuinely concerned? Or was this part of the charade? “A-are you okay? What’s wrong?”

Karolina closed her eyes and took a deep breath and felt the rush of air fill her lungs. Felt her lungs expand to the point of discomfort, then rush out again. Another breath. She felt the cool, musty air of the library on her skin. Felt the warmth of Nico’s fingers in hers. Felt the steady beating of her heart, and finally, finally, the quiet calm of her mind.

She opened her eyes, locked Nico inside them, and harnessed every inch of courage she had to lay the truth at her feet.

“I’m…scared that this will be a pattern with us,” she said. “I’m scared that you’re going to keep breaking my heart, whether you intended to or not. I already…it’s already so much, and losing you for two weeks made me feel like I was losing my mind. What if I—what if it happens again? What if it’s three weeks next time? I’m sorry Nico, it’s just…I’ve seen this before. I fall, they leave, I let my insecurities eat my pride, they buy pretty presents to make it all better—somebody running, somebody chasing. Pretty trinkets and pretty words. It’s always…always like this. And I don’t know how to…make it stop.”

Nico, to her credit, did not look away, despite the touch of shame colouring her cheeks. “You don’t have to believe me right now, but I don’t want this to be a pattern either,” she replied, fists balled at her sides. “It’s just...I don’t like making promises I can’t keep, and I can’t guarantee that this won’t happen again. I can only say that I’ll try. Every day I want to try to be someone who deserves your time, Karolina. Even if you don’t believe anything else I have to say, please believe that. And—And, I promise I would never try to buy your affection like that. This,” she reached for the corsage box, “is not a gift. It’s a favour. A big one at that.”

Karolina wiped at the tear that’d formed in the corner of her eye with the back of her hand while she turned Nico’s words around in her head. She pushed them away for now, her curiosity winning over her doubts. “What do you mean?” She asked.

Nico tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, then held the corsage box out with both hands. “Would you be my date for the Christmas fundraiser?”

Karolina’s eyes widened. “Your parents’ fundraiser? Are you sure?” Karolina shook her head. “I mean, of course I will—I’d be over the moon—but I thought…”

“I didn’t mean to take it out on you,” Nico repeated, dropping her eyes to the box. “I still don’t know how to feel about this whole thing, or how to feel about my parents or my life in general. But…I have to face it one day, and…and I would really like to have you by my side when that happens.” When she looked up again, a small smile tugged. “I mean, what if you’re right?”

“Nico…”

“So, even though I was a bitch—even though this could be a spectacularly bad idea, will you come with me, Karolina? As my date?”

“Of course.” Karolina took the box from Nico’s hands and placed it back on the table. She then stepped forward and wrapped her up in a tight embrace. “I…I might still have a lot of doubts, but I promised to support you, and I will. I never want you to suffer by yourself ever again.”

Nico’s fingers tightened their grip the fabric on her shoulder. She buried her head in Karolina’s chest, body trembling slightly when a quiet sniffle escaped. “I-I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you,” Nico whispered, her voice as small as she felt, curled up against Karolina. “At your show. I…I made you suffer, didn’t I?”

Karolina smiled. “Lucky for you, I have another one coming up this Saturday. Well, I did. My boss asked me to perform and I’d turned him down, but...I can call him. If I do it, will you come this time?”

Nico peeled away immediately, and Karolina’s heart could not help but soften at the sight of those watery, red-rimmed eyes. “Really? You’d want me there?”

“Oh, Nico,” Karolina chuckled, “you _have_ to know by now how much you mean to me. I don’t think I’ve been very good at keeping that a secret.” When Nico looked away, her lip between her teeth, Karolina pressed her fingers to her jaw and gently pulled her attention back. Her next words were quiet, but brimmed with a conviction she hadn’t felt in days and days: “Of course I’d want you there. There’s a song I need you to hear, but I…I won’t play it to an empty room again.”

“You won’t. I promise. For real this time.”

“Okay.”

Nico grinned, so bright that it seemed to fill Karolina’s entire world. She returned the smile, and everything felt right again. My god, how easily it all felt right again. Karolina pulled her into a tight embrace. Please, she wished quietly, let this be as real as I think it is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! Happy holidays!!
> 
> I’m currently racing to get ahead with my writing, as the holidays didn’t offer a lot of time to write. Things may slow down a bit in the coming weeks. I’d wanted to get this chapter out to you all on Christmas, but this one was kind of depressing, so instead I merged two chapters together so you can experience all the angst in one go! 
> 
> I promise the next chapter will be worth it ;) it’ll be a true Christmas present, I think
> 
> A brief behind the scenes note: 
> 
> This chapter was a pretty big editing challenge, as I wasn’t completely sure how I wanted it to look, especially with Tina now in the mix (I know how subtle my crush on Tina must’ve been). I felt like this is probably the most important part of their relationship, and it felt petty to have it stem from a disagreement like this, but I stuck to my guns on it, especially with consideration for Nico’s trauma and Karolina’s true anxieties toward love. I worried that I was introducing a lot conflicts, but I think it’s more like conflicts are coming to light under duress. Really, I wanted this story to reflect the attempts of the show in exploring different levels of different relationships. After season 3, especially, this chapter underwent a lot of changes, and I think it helped me smooth out a lot of the wrinkles. Of course, like everyone else, part of the “help” was the grief and the desire for more from this show. Anyway, I do hope this isn’t getting too repetitive. Rather, I hope to peel back new layers every time old scars surface.
> 
> I hope this chapter was a good kind of rollercoaster, as it certainly was for me. Now that this is on the table, I’m just excited for you to see what’s next. Sorry for this very long end note. (Too tired and too excited, woo!)
> 
> I will see you all in 2020! 
> 
> Signing off with some songs for this chapter:
> 
> Let It Be Me by Justin Jesso and Nina Nesbitt - this song is also one of the driving forces of this story. It’s a beautiful modern love song, with the feeling of Stand by Me
> 
> Losing Me by Gabrielle Aplin and JP Cooper - Another song I’ve been listening to a lot recently in order to get in the mood for this story. It’s a bit overdramatic for deanoru’s fight, but the core message is there.
> 
> Don’t Leave by Snakehips and Mø - Boy, this song has been with me for years and has really gotten me through tough times. Something about the power and clawing desperation of her voice. It fits this chapter to a tee.
> 
> I Can Change by Lake Street Dive - A recent addition to my playlist for this fic, but really captures both Nico and Karolina. “We didn’t start this fight and I won’t let it rule my heart tonight” is a line that really digs at the root of this chapter. There is so much beyond what they’re saying to each other that it’s not quite a fight between people, but a fight between two histories.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: This chapter is E rated. At a certain point, it might be best not to read it on the bus ;)

Timely was buzzing with energy on Saturday night. It was just under two weeks before Christmas and the air was filled with nothing but good vibes. A simple plastic wreath hung on the door of the pub, but every ounce of festive effort was doubled by its patrons in red and green sweaters. Even Nico, who shivered every time she heard the word ‘Christmas’, was smiling as she breezed through the front doors.

Until she was halted right inside by a wall of bodies.

A few short steps from the threshold, a group of young women in beanies, chatting behind a crowd of men in sports jerseys, blocked her off from going further. One of the women turned from her friend to give Nico a very deliberate once-over and a smile, to which she replied by squeezing in between a couple in the middle of a heated debate and squeezing, just barely, into the dimly lit bar.

She was sure the bar wasn’t _this_ full the last time she came. She practically had to take a running start and tackle through the dense crowd of bodies milling around and between booths in order to reach her friends’ usual table.

“Fucking hell, I’m exhausted,” Nico grumbled as she threw herself into the booth next to Gert. “There’s way too many people in here.”

“Every time Karolina performs—I tell ya—the people flock,” Molly said from across the table, nodding sagely.

“There’s also a football game going on tonight,” Gert chuckled.

“Thirty minutes ago,” Chase added, throwing a half eaten nacho at her. “She _is_ getting more and more popular. I’m pretty sure there are at least a couple dozen people who are at every show.”

“Wow, she told me she played to an empty room last week,” Nico whispered, more to herself than anyone else.

Gert caught the nacho and wagged it between her fingers as she spoke: “Because you weren’t there, dummy. Chase is right—she seems to be developing a nice little following, you know. It’s just a shame she doesn’t write her own music. She really could. Hell, I don’t know half these songs—they could be her own if I didn’t see people singing along.”

Nico nodded slowly.

Molly laughed. “You don’t know these songs because they’re not super obscure indie bands, Gert. Lots of people know them!”

Chase shook his head solemnly. “Forget it, Mols. I had a short phase where I was really digging that sweet, classic Taylor Swift country, and—I swear—every time ‘Love Story’ came on, she’d ask if it was Katy Perry. The sheer audacity.”

“God, I always forget what a giant dork you are, Chase,” Nico said with a grin. “Imagine one of your old lacrosse buddies showed up and heard you defending Taylor Swift with such vehemence—I’d pay to see the looks on their faces.”

Chase blushed, but valiantly puffed up his chest and held up his beer. “There’s no shame in being a connoisseur of beautiful love stories.”

“Speaking of love stories,” Gert said loudly. “I’d like to propose a toast. To Nico—”

Nico lowered the glass of water in her hand, suddenly anxious considering the true, in-the-air complexity of her new relationship. Could she even call it a relationship? After last week? She tugged lightly at Gert’s arm to lower her drink. “Oh, uh, let’s not. I mean... we aren’t—”

Gert’s smile only grew. “To Nico,” she continued, “and her brand new relationship—”

“Gert—c’mon—”

“With her new life,” Gert finished with a satisfied smile on her face and a mischievous glint in her eye. “We are all so, so, _so_ proud of you.”

“Oh.” She felt the immediate prickle in her eyes, and she had to shield them with a hand to protect herself from the embarrassment. “Thank you,” she whispered.

“You were a fool these last two weeks, but you overcame it in the end with only minor injuries and no lasting scars. And that’s fucking growth. To conquering your demons!”

“Hear, hear!” Chase and Molly cheered.

Nico laughed and rubbed the saltwater from her eyes. “Hear, hear,” she said, raising and extending her water to the middle of the table. Her friends stood, cheered, and the light clinking of glasses filled her with so much love for her friends that the words slipped out before she could think about it. “I love you guys,” she said to the table of stunned faces.

“We love you too, Nico,” Molly said, her smile wide. “Cheers to love!”

“To love!” Chase chimed in with his glass, sniffling a little.

Gert joined in without a word, then down her drink in three big gulps. The mug soon slammed down on the table, her eyes intensely trained on Nico’s. Nico inched back a bit, sparing a glance at Chase and Molly, who simply shrugged. “Uh, Gert?”

“Fucking finally!” Gert declared, suddenly wrapping Nico up in a big, bear hug. “Come here, you idiot. You’re finally admitting it.”

Gert sniffed, and Nico chuckled against the soft leather of her jacket. “Sorry,” she said. “But you know that’s how I’ve always felt, even if I suck at saying it.”

“Yeah, well let me just have this moment, okay? I’ve been looking for my best friend for years, and I think she’s finally back.”

“Yeah,” Nico laughed. “She’s back. Still stupid, but kind of back, I guess. It’s a start.”

The lights soon dimmed further and as the friends pulled apart, the stage came to life under the watery blue-green light. Nico’s heartbeat quickened in anticipation, and bit into her burger to hide it. It had been three days since her last study date, and it felt far too long without seeing Karolina. Or perhaps it was too short, considering the weight of all they’d been through.

“Nervous?” Gert whispered.

Nico nodded, eyes cast down at her plate as she admired the blue light dancing on the white. “Excited too,” she mumbled as she chewed.

“Good. You’re here and that’s all that matters,” Gert said. “Cheesy as it sounds, the rest will fall into place.”

“Yeah,” Nico said with a sigh. She wiped her hands with a napkin and looked up at her friends. Chase and Molly were chatting, but both flashed her a grin when they noticed her. Gert patted her on the arm, then returned to picking at Chase’s nachos, despite his futile protests that she had her own. She looked over at the empty stool on stage and remembered the first time they were here in this very scene. Barely three months ago and now—she could barely remember how to exist without Karolina to ground her. She remembered the promise of the first night—to be better. Though she wasn’t convinced that she fulfilled her promise, she had to admit that as she looked around her, she could not deny that things have changed. She’d changed.

“Nico, do you want anything else?” Chase asked, waving the menu in his hand. “I’m going to order more nachos because Gert forgets that I have the appetite of sixteen horses.”

Nico laughed. “Better watch it, Chase. You’re not going to be twenty-five forever.”

Chase flashed Gert a handsome grin. “It’s okay. Body positivity and all that, right?”

Gert rolled her eyes. “That’s not an excuse to fill yourself up with nachos, you idiot.”

“You’re the one who keeps taking my nachos. I’m getting another basket,” Chase retorted, sticking his tongue out at Gert.

“Okay, children,” Nico cut in, “how about I grab another round for you guys, then? I’m happy with another glass of water.”

Her friends cheered, and she found herself smiling so much that her cheeks began to ache.

Yeah, she thought, leaning back with a giggle as Chase stole a nacho back from Molly, things have changed since that first night.

A good kind of change. 

When Karolina finally appeared to the sea of applause, she found Nico almost immediately, holding her captive with her radiant smile. Karolina was transcendent—her hair in those same golden waves she remembered on the first night, and her lips as red as sin. She wore sculpted jeans and a semi-sheer white lace top. Everything was awash in blue. So much welled up inside Nico the moment she stepped onto the stage: excitement, pride, apprehension, happiness, and desire—oh so much desire—just to name a few that she recognized.

Then, the first few familiar bars filled the room, and everything inside of her went still. She opened with “Runaway”. The rich voice and the heart-rending lyrics of a girl unable to outrun her own shadow—Nico was immediately transported back to the first time once again. She’d replayed this performance countless times in her memory, but nothing compared to the real thing. She felt herself open, raw and vulnerable, exposing all the worst parts of herself. And Karolina, just as she had the first time, hooked her in with her song, and nestled inside to ease the bruises of her history.

When the first song ended, Nico allowed the tears to fall freely. Not out of sadness this time, but relief. Like she could breathe again. Gert wordlessly handed her a napkin, and she, catching Karolina’s eye as she strummed out the last few bars, felt a weight lift off her shoulders she didn’t even realize she had. To remember, to live the ‘now’ knowing she’d conquered the ‘then’—Nico let it all wash out through her tears with pride. Karolina’s smile was tender, sweet, and just for her, and Nico felt her entire being swelling with love and gratitude—ignoring, for the moment, the restraints she’d imposed on her own heart.

The rest of her set was the same, and Nico was enraptured, even after her attention split into conversation and Nico found herself watching Karolina from her peripheral. Karolina herself seemed to be engaged with the small crowd before her, though she unfailingly found Nico whenever she wanted to be found. For the rest of the evening, Timely was alive and bright with Karolina’s voice in the backdrop.

Nico remembered every single song in her set—she’d taken these memories out often in the last three months, each one as clear as glass marbles on the rainiest days. Each one a part of her, each one as familiar to her by now as Karolina herself.

All except the last song.

She looked up from where her attention had strayed into her memories, as if an invisible force was pulling her head up by a string, and was drawn to Karolina’s blue eyes, blazing right through her as soon as the unfamiliar chords filtered through the muted din of the room. There was a kind of strength—of conviction—that seemed to radiate off her as she strummed the gentle melody. The room seemed deadly silent.

She didn’t recognize this song, but watched, no less mesmerized. Everyone else seemed to fall into a hush alongside her as she began: “You say there’s so much you don’t know. You need to go and find yourself. You say you’d rather be alone, ‘cause you say you won’t find it tied to someone else.”

Nico’s heart skipped a beat—there was barely enough time for her to process the first verse when the waves of the song crested into the chorus.

“I don’t think you have to leave if to change is what you need. You can change right next to me. When you’re high, I’ll take the lows, you can ebb and I can flow. And we’ll take it slow, and grow as we go. Grow as we go.” Her voice drew out, wavering with a plea as she caught Nico’s eyes. She could feel the quivering rhythm hug her from the inside out.

A pause, as the guitar strummed on. A moment to breathe, for Karolina to collect herself before her blue eyes commanded Nico to listen.

“You won’t be the only one. I am unfinished, I’ve got so much left to learn. I don’t know how these rivers run, but I’d like the company through every twist and turn.

Who says it’s true—that the growing only happens on your own? They don’t know me and you.”

Nico clutched her heart. She felt Gert move in, wrap an arm around her shoulders. Karolina’s features softened as she sang the chorus, her eyes glistening with unshed tears as she watched Nico from across the room. Watched her as if nothing else existed, as if the two of them, accompanied by this song, were the only things left in this world. 

And then came the bridge. The words that seemed ripped from Karolina’s heart by design, words she’d been begging Nico to hear from day one. A quiet sob choked out from Nico’s throat.

“I don’t know who we’ll become. I can’t promise it’s not written in the stars. But I believe that when it’s done, we’re gonna see that it was better that we grew up together…”

The melody shifted then, sliding into a short guitar solo and transforming into a different song altogether. One that lent a new strength to her voice. No longer was this the gentle plea. Despite the trail of tears now running down Karolina’s face, her eyes were fiery. This, a single verse hidden within a song, was the message.

“You say it’s safer on your own; you’d rather sleep alone than grow to need me there. I hope that you can see, what our story has taught me…I love you more and more each day. To love is not to leave, so hear me when I say…I may not be wise, and I won’t save the day. But look in my eyes, and know I’ll always stay—I won’t run away. I won’t run away…”

The two melodies seemed to meld despite the single voice singing to the strings. The message was loud and clear.

Nico felt eyes on her. Felt the warmth of bodies in this tiny room. Felt the love from the crowd as the cheers ballooned at the stage. Most of all, she felt Karolina all around her, and the affection growing beyond capacity in her heart, just knowing their heartbeats were in perfect step.

Karolina laughed softly into the microphone as the room began to quiet down. “Thank you for listening,” she said simply. “ And good night.”

* * *

  
It wasn’t until later—once laughter was exhausted, fans dispersed, and goodbyes said—did Nico feel the electricity of nervous, excited energy coursing through every vein as she bounced on the balls of her feet outside Timely. The night was an inky black, but her entire being was alight with promise. She ignored the offers of conversation and cigarettes. All she could think about, all that she could feel, was Karolina. Beautiful Karolina and her beautiful songs. She couldn’t wait to see her again, to feel her and touch her and know that she was _real._ Whenever the door opened, Nico glanced over furtively so she didn’t seem as crazy as she felt.

Because god, did she feel crazy. Crazy excited, crazy good, and utterly, completely crazy about Karolina. She leaned against the wall and exhaled deeply. She was floating on nothing but life, and she wanted to hold onto this moment—this one moment of complete honesty with herself where she could admit how she felt about Karolina. Consequences be damned.

To love is to stay, Nico remembered, the lyrics warmer than the sun in the cadences of Karolina’s rich voice. I won’t run away. “I won’t run away,” she whispered under her breath. Not from herself. Never from each other.

Was it possible to want somebody—something so much?

The moment grew, evolved and was given wings, when Karolina finally stepped through the front door, eyes shining with affection as soon as they met Nico’s.

“Hi,” Karolina said, grinning. “Were you waiting for me?” 

Nico stepped off the wall and took her by both hands, pulling her gently away from the door before throwing her arms around her neck. “I believe,” she whispered, as she peered up to meet Karolina’s gaze, “you were the one waiting for me all this time.”

Their lips met, slow and sweet. It was nothing like what Nico had planned while she’d been waiting—though she surrendered to far too many thoughts to establish a coherent plan—but under the same street lights where they first met, pulsing with uncontrollable attraction and the word they both feared the most—it was perfect.

As they pulled away, Nico could feel—could almost see despite the consistent semi-cool of Los Angeles nights—the puff of air escape from Karolina’s lips. “What was that for?” She asked, smiling that beautiful half-smile Nico adored.

Nico pulled back and simply studied her for a moment. She tilted her head slightly from side to side—there were so many answers to that question that she hardly knew where to begin.

Oh, but it was obvious, wasn’t it? She just needed the courage to say it. Nico pressed her hand against Karolina’s cheek, then leaned in further, tiptoeing to plant another kiss to her lips. She took in the strength and the warmth of her whole being, and stayed there for a moment, just feeling the solidity beneath her hands.

She turned the truth around in her mind. The truth she’d known since the very beginning. There were so many reasons. For not running away when she had the chance. For chasing after her when she ran. But there was more than that. The words stay lodged in her throat. There were simply no words in this world that seemed adequate enough to convey the enormity of Nico’s feelings.

So, she took her hand. “Come home with me, Karolina. I… Let me show you how I feel.” She cringed slightly when Karolina did not respond. “Is that…okay?”

“I—yeah—I just—sorry, I wasn’t sure if I heard you correctly or if I was dreaming,” Karolina laughed through sudden tears. Her doubts retaliated, rearing its head at Nico’s pretty words, but when she took ran her thumb against Nico’s hand and kissed her tenderly once more, she chained it down and pushed it to the far corner of her mind.

Then, there was only quiet calm and Nico’s warm softness in the cool night.

Nothing could have felt more right.

* * *

This was really happening.

Karolina’s heart pounded like thunder in her ears as she followed Nico into the elevator.

They hadn’t said a word since Nico had pulled her into the Lyft, hand clasped tight around her own. Nico spent the ride looking out the window, their intertwined hands resting on the seat between them. Karolina’s eyes could not leave Nico’s profile, her mind simply unable to stop replaying the moment outside Timely. The kiss—god, that first kiss—said so much more than her words, or even her songs, ever could. Was Nico thinking the same thing?

She glanced down at their hands, still intertwined as the elevator ascended—she could almost feel the beating of Nico’s heart through their fingers, feel her nervous excitement dancing in circles around her own.

What was she thinking now? Did she know what was going to happen? What Karolina hoped would happen? Could she see the desire filling every fibre of her being?

Karolina’s heart rate kicked up several more notches as the image of pushing Nico right up against this wall suddenly flittered into her consciousness. She imagined picking her up, pulling her legs around her waist and kissing her until she could see the stars—

Nico looked up at the security camera, as if she could read her thoughts, then at Karolina in a way that stole Karolina’s breath completely. The eyes beneath her lashes were darker than she ever remembered seeing, her expression was one entirely unfamiliar, yet immediately recognizable: pure, unrestrained hunger.

There was something else too, something she didn’t want to think about right now. Just case her imagination ended up breaking her heart.

Instead, Karolina savoured those eyes and felt the warmth pour through her body and gather between her legs.

As soon as the doors opened on the seventeenth floor, Nico tugged her by the hand with the patience of a hurricane—out the door and down the hall. She was vaguely aware of peach carpets, warm lights and brown walls, dimly noticed the blur of white doors. But her eyes were focused on three things only: the head of dark hair in front of her piled up in a messy bun, the reddened tips of her ears from between the loose strands, and the beautiful, slender slope of her neck. She pictured running her fingers through her hair, feeling it cascade through her fingertips, and trailing kisses from her ear, down her jaw, and along her neck.

Then, Nico’s familiar scent amplified. She nearly tripped over the threshold of Nico’s apartment, but her back soon hit the door, slamming it closed behind her. The street lamps outside filtered through the open window, bathing the room in a warm yellow glow that brought Karolina right back to Timely, where she saw the lights dance in Nico’s eyes up close for the first time. She remembered thinking how gorgeous she was, and how much she wanted to know what laid beneath that gaze. Now, with the same fiery eyes on her, she wanted it all—not just to know, but to touch, to taste, to let it consume her entire being.

Nico’s mouth was on hers in a heartbeat, and her hands dug into the material of Karolina’s blouse, fingers warm beneath the collar. Karolina sighed into the softness, and when the fingers travelled up her neck and pulled her down to deepen the kiss, she complied whole-heartedly. As soon as Nico asked, with a hungry swipe of her tongue against her lips, Karolina gave. Karolina pulled her closer, pressing Nico’s hips against her own, stoking the fire that’d been burning for months.

They could have been standing there for years, giving and taking, but the very concept of time seemed to be lost. It was only when Karolina felt a tight stiffness in her neck from their position did she slowly pull away with a nervous, embarrassed grin. “Ow, sorry,” she mumbled. She straightened back up to her nearly eight-inch height advantage over Nico, her hand rubbing at her neck and her mind wishing she’d worn flatter shoes.

Nico blinked up at her, her eyes dark and hazy and utterly, adorably, confused by what had happened. As Karolina straightened up, her hands fell to Karolina’s hips and her eyes to their shoes—specifically her high tops and Karolina’s heeled boot. “Oh,” Nico murmured, her voice deliciously hoarse. “I should’ve worn heels.”

Karolina laughed, shaking her head. “I was just thinking that I should’ve worn flats.”

Nico grinned, wide and unrestrained, almost goofy in a way Karolina had never seen but immediately loved. “Yeah?” She said, fingers trailing down to take Karolina’s hand. “Do you maybe want to sit down?”

The implication was more than clear in Nico’s voice, and Karolina swallowed. When words failed, she simply nodded and allowed herself to be led to Nico’s bed.

“Wait.”

Nico turned, a flicker of worry crossing her knitted brows. Karolina wanted to kiss it away immediately, but she steeled herself—this could be the most important moment of her life, she realized as she crossed the room. She didn’t want to be another disappointment. Worse, a regret. She sat Nico down at the edge of her bed, then took her hands in her own and dropped to one knee in front of her.

“Nico,” she whispered, gazing up to study Nico’s face with as much courage as she could muster. Nico’s eyes widened slightly in alarm, but Karolina pushed on. “Are you sure about this?”

Nico blinked. Realization soon dawned on her face and she slid her hand out of Karolina’s to cup her face between her palms. “I don’t think I’ve ever been more sure about anybody or anything in my life. Or, well, maybe I was until this moment,” she said with an airy, nervous laugh. “Are you—”

Karolina covered her hands with her own before she could move them away. “Yes. I’m sure,” she said. “I want this more than anything, Nico, but I don’t want that to be the reason. You have to understand that…once we cross this line…”

“Make love to me, Karolina.”

“God,” Karolina breathed.

Nico’s triumphant smile and smouldering gaze was all the confirmation she needed. Karolina pressed her fingers to Nico’s thighs, lingering there for a moment, giving her a last moment to reconsider. She peered up at her and admired the way the yellow streetlight glanced off her pale skin. Nico’s gaze was on her, heated and ready. Her lips parted along with her legs, slowly and expectantly, wanting, needing.

Karolina rose. She took her time, taking it all in, and—Christ, if Nico wasn’t the sexiest woman she’d ever seen, leaning back, propped up by the elbows, watching and waiting for her and just her. Karolina climbed onto the bed, her heart thumping in time with her arousal, and hovered over her on all fours.

Nico reached for her, bringing her head down to meet her lips, tender at first, but the hunger soon possessed them both. Karolina opened her mouth and pushed her tongue through. Nico groaned, allowing herself to be fully subdued, and it was all Karolina could do to maintain her last thread of self-control. She was going to make love to Nico, and she was determined to worship her right.

And yet, Nico seemed to challenge her resolve at every turn. With her eyes clouded and her usual coolness nowhere in sight, she clawed at Karolina’s back. “Touch me, Karolina,” she whispered, into the inch between them when they broke the kiss, “please.”

With trembling hands, Karolina slid her hand beneath her white button-down, taking a long moment to revel in the softness of her skin beneath the pad of her thumb. Nico’s hands soon dropped down from her back, determined to speed up the process by unbuttoning her own shirt. Karolina kept her hand on Nico’s waist, pulling back and simply watching in awe as the shirt soon fell open to reveal a low-cut black bra.

Karolina heard her own breath hitch. “Oh, god,” she whispered again, the words leaving her lips almost subconsciously. “You are so, so beautiful.”

“It’s a front-clasp,” Nico murmured with a blush.

Karolina nodded, her fingertips dragging a hot trail from her stomach to her bra, silently watching the way her chest rose and fell with each passing moment, each passing touch against hot skin. She hooked her finger around the metal clasp, then slid it open with her thumb. The material popped open, revealing two perfect breasts topped with dusk. “Nico,” Karolina breathed shakily, running a hand along the perfect slope of her chest. “God,” was all she could say. And in that moment, she understood that word, not as a blaspheme, but as a truly religious experience where she, for the first time in her life, understood the true majesty of the Lord and beauty of His creations.

“Karolina?”

Karolina pried her eyes away from Nico’s breasts to meet her pleading eyes. “Sorry,” she said with a shy half-smile, “I think I just rediscovered my faith in God after seeing you.”

Nico covered her eyes with an arm, laughing. “Oh my god, you’re _killing_ me over here,” she murmured in spite of the instant redness in the tip of her ears and across her cheeks. Karolina grinned, then dove in to take a nipple lightly between her teeth. She was rewarded with a sharp intake of breath and an arch of Nico’s back, followed by fingers buried deep in her hair. “Fuck,” Nico hissed above her. “Wait, wait.”

Karolina lifted her eyes, her face still half glued to Nico’s perfect breasts.

“Take off your shirt too,” Nico said with an adorably embarrassed smile.

Reluctantly, Karolina straightened up and leaned back on her heels, still straddling Nico’s hips. She lifted her shirt hurriedly, then tossed her bra to the floor. She was ready to dive right back in when Nico pressed a hand to her heart. “Wait,” she murmured, almost to herself. “I…I want to look at you.” Karolina nodded, her eyes watching Nico’s as she scanned the length of her body. She pulled her arms against herself, instinctively covering her chest, but Nico’s hands shot up to stop her immediately. “Wow,” she breathed, “you’re right. Gods really do walk among us.” Nico’s voice was full of wonder, and Karolina, in all her imaginings of this moment, could not have predicted the utter awe she heard in her voice. Nico was everything she could have ever dreamed of and more—surely, Karolina thought, Nico didn’t feel that way about her too. How could she when she was…just Karolina? The girl who was tossed outside, out into cold nights and onto empty streets, over and over. The girl who perpetually fell in love and perpetually got her heart broken. Surely—

Karolina’s thoughts came to a startling halt when she felt butterfly-light touches along her breast, down her side, and to the waist of her jeans. One hand lingered at the band while the other pulled down her zipper, tooth by tooth as if it were revealing something sacred. Nico’s eyes flew up to meet Karolina’s—the silent question passed between them.

Karolina swallowed—felt herself burning up already with the warm fingers on her hip and the tenderness in Nico’s eyes—then nodded.

Nico sat up, resting both hands on either side of her hips for a beat, then ran them both along the lines of her back, simply touching and feeling and reacting to every detail of Karolina’s flesh beneath her palms. Her hands then drew a line from her shoulder blades, down her back, then dipped beneath the waistband to feel the valley of her curves. All this time, Karolina could not look away from her face, even as she felt her body inching closer. She dropped her hands to Nico’s shoulder—it wasn’t close enough. She wanted to be closer. Wanted Nico to touch her, to bind them together until she couldn’t tell where she ended and Nico began.

But Nico took her time pushing the fabric of her jeans lower, took her time dancing around the cotton material of her underwear.

“Nico, please.”

And please her she did when she finally dipped into the front and stroked her finger along her center. Karolina’s back arched, soundless pleasure escaping her parted lips. Nico pressed a palm to her chest, then ran it down her side and to her hip, where it rested as she pushed deeper inside her.

“Nico,” Karolina breathed. Her eyes closed and her head dipped back, her hips seemingly taking on a rhythm of their own as she rocked herself against her fingers, feeling every motion rub the denim against her skin, locking Nico tightly inside her, between the blunt teeth of her open zipper.

It didn’t take long for the familiar tension to build. One hand snaked across Karolina’s back, holding, cradling her as the other filled her over and over again with a desperation that seemed to possess them both. Nico pressed her forehead to Karolina’s chest, feeling every vibration.

A hoarse cry soon filled the room. Karolina’s pulse quickened, tightened, then resigned itself to the strength of the arms around her, holding her until she remembered how to breathe.

“I thought it was my turn first,” Karolina said between breaths. One corner of her lips lifted. “Cheater.”

Nico shrugged a shoulder. “It’s your fault for being too beautiful.” Slowly, she pulled out of her—Karolina shivered. When Karolina opened her eyes again, the mellow blues seemed several shades darker.

Without a word, Nico watched, mouth slightly agape when Karolina took Nico’s hand in her own, then a finger into her mouth. She watched, still frozen, when a pink tongue ran along the length of her finger and between, her eyes never leaving Nico’s. “Fuck,” she murmured.

Karolina grinned and, without warning, everything about her seemed to change gears from devilishly sexy to adorable as a puppy. “Salty,” she reported with a laugh.

Nico leaned in and pressed a quick kiss on her lips. She ran a tongue across her own lips, enjoying the way her tongue seemed to catch Karolina’s immediate attention. “You’re delicious,” Nico said.

Then, Karolina’s fingers were in her hair once more, and her lips on her own, languid and unhurried, savouring every inch of her flavour. Nico responded, tugging her closer, and pulling her down onto the bed with her.

“Perfect,” she heard Karolina murmur against her. She gasped, her eyes flying open when her hands were roughly peeled away and pinned above her head with one hand. Karolina’s blue eyes shone as they raked down her face and torso. She was still in her jeans, still straddling Nico’s hips, and the vision before her seemed to flip a switch inside Nico. She wanted to touch her again, wanted to rip those jeans off with her teeth if she had to—all she could think about was roaming her hands across her skin and drawing out those delicious noises again and again. She wiggled, but Karolina’s grip was surprisingly strong. She could see her own chest rising and falling, and Karolina’s achingly patient smile as she hovered above her, simply watching. When brown eyes met blue again, Nico stopped. A sense of serenity filled her—she was no less turned on, but she suddenly understood what would happen next.

Karolina leaned down and kissed her again briefly, just enough to convey trust. Her free hand rested on Nico’s chest, achingly close to delivering the kind of pleasure she craved. “Nico,” she said, her voice low, enticing, but cautious, “I’m going to let go and you’re going to let me make love to you like you asked me to. Okay?”

Nico’s heart hammered. It was in this moment that she realized this was going to change everything. For the first time in her life, this wasn’t just sex. This was the birth of something real, something raw and vulnerable, something that would last until the next morning and every morning after that. This moment was a promise.

The fear gripped her once more when she searched Karolina’s face, looking for signs to prove her doubts. Beyond the fear however, there was trust. The trust that had been there since the beginning, tamped down only by her own insecurities. Next to trust was honesty, and the realization that Karolina made her feel things that nobody else did. Safe. Heard. Understood. Utterly and completely loved.

“Nico?”

Karolina’s grip began to relax. As the seconds ticked on while she waited for Nico’s answer, she felt the early tendrils of anxiety snake through her. Perhaps she had misunderstood this whole situation, it whispered into her ear. Perhaps she was an idiot to think Nico could feel anything for her but—

“I love you, Karolina.”

Karolina blinked, tears suddenly welling up in her eyes before she could even process what she’d heard. Slowly, she dropped her arms and sat back in disbelief. “What?”

Nico pushed up on her elbow again and reached for her, cradling her cheek with such warmth that Karolina couldn’t stop the fresh wave of tears even if she tried. “I said I love you, Karolina. Ah—wait. Don’t cry,” Nico whispered, wiping her cheek with a thumb. “Please. I hate making you cry.”

“I’m sorry,” Karolina said with a sniffle. “I’m just…so happy.”

Nico smiled. “I’ve loved you for a long time. I was just…too scared to admit it. Even to myself. Loving you…it gives me something to lose. And I’ve…lost so much already. But after everything—I get it. I…I love you so much—I’ll say it again and again—and that’s all that matters right now.”

“I love you too, Nico,” Karolina whispered, leaning into her touch. “From the very beginning. I just—I never expected—I thought”—she took a deep breath—“I thought you would break my heart like everyone else. I thought I’d have to leave town or something, because I just…I wouldn’t know what to do with myself anymore if that happened.”

“I know. I’ve always known how much you loved me,” Nico said sheepishly. Karolina tilted her head slightly. “Your honesty. Your eyes. You’ve always been so clear. But I never let myself see it. Not until your song. I…I felt it all when I heard you sing it. Not just the love, but the pain. The plea. And I—I didn’t want you to think you were alone anymore.” She smiled, bright, warm, and loving. “To love is to stay. I’m not running away anymore, Karolina. I won’t give up on us.”

“Oh, Nico,” Karolina groaned, dropping her head. “Stop it, I can’t stop crying.” She laughed, rubbing at her eyes with the back of her hand. “Can I just make love to you now? Before this moment is completely gone and I turn into some incoherent baby.”

Nico laughed, and Karolina loved how free she sounded. “This moment is never going to be gone. Not while you’re still on top of me looking like this.”

“Then I better do something before you get too distracted,” Karolina said, her voice dropping low as she pushed her back down onto the bed with a kiss. The tenderness of earlier, love-filled kisses lasted a few moments longer before the lust-filled heat grew and overtook them both. Nico opened her mouth, inviting her inside—still, they could not get close enough. Karolina groaned when the aggression of Nico’s kisses escalated further with hands on her breasts and fingers on her painfully taut nipples.

“Jesus, Nico,” Karolina laughed breathily, once again—with greater difficulty—pulling Nico’s hands away and pinning the above her head.

“I want to touch you,” Nico whimpered. It took almost everything for Karolina to not give in right there and let Nico have her way with her.

“You’re making it very hard to fulfill my promise,” Karolina said, kissing and nipping at the sensitive skin behind her ear.

“Then fuck me already,” she mumbled, breathing heavily as Karolina trailed her kisses down to her collarbone.

“I see what your friends mean now about the tiny dog thing,” Karolina chuckled. The vibration of her laughter tickled her skin as her breath travelled down the slope of Nico’s chest. At the peak, she gave it a long, slow stroke with the flat of her tongue. Nico exhaled sharply, too lost in the sensations to fight back.

For Nico, Karolina’s journey south was slow and arduous. Controlled, yet completely sensual, completely devoted. By the time she eased her pants and underwear off and opened her legs to press butterfly kisses along her inner thighs, Nico was practically quivering with anticipation.

“Oh god,” she whispered when Karolina’s mouth finally found the source of her aching. Her hand automatically wove into Karolina’s golden waves, and still she could not have prepared for the desperation that overtook her when Karolina finally spread her open with her fingers and pushed her way inside.

Over and over, with her arms wrapped around Nico’s thighs, Karolina filled her very being. The flavour on her tongue, exquisite as it was, drove her further, faster, deeper. She savoured the breathy moans above her, the change in key whenever she flicked her attention upward to the straining bundle of nerves. She relished the hot flesh beneath her touch, the trembling, the thrashing, and the taut silence that pierced the air when she found the perfect groove.

Soon, Karolina felt a sharp tug of her hair and felt a shiver down her spine as a cry of her name filled the room. Nico quickly began to crumble all around her—she held her tightly by the hip, her tongue still pressed closely enough to feel the pulsing all around. When Nico’s breathing finally evened out, Karolina climbed up and met her lips in a tender kiss.

“Holy shit,” Nico chuckled, once they parted. She blinked several times. “I’m not sure I’m seeing straight.”

Karolina laughed, then wiped Nico’s mouth with her thumb before wiping her own lips with the back of her hand. “Good—then you can’t see what a sticky mess I made.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” Nico said, pressing another kiss to Karolina’s mouth before resting her forehead on hers. “I don’t think anybody has ever made love to me like that before. I can’t explain it—it was so…simple, but so...special.”

Karolina grinned. “My love for you is my super power.”

Nico leaned down and lightly scraped her teeth on Karolina’s collarbone. “That was so cringey,” she murmured against her skin.

Karolina laughed, and Nico could feel the vibration and the joy seep through her. “But cute, right?”

“You’re lucky I love you.”

Karolina angled downward and kissed her on the hair. “I really am,” she whispered. She wrapped her arms around Nico and breathed deeply. She closed her eyes—she couldn’t wait to wake up the next day to this very sensation. Wake up every day to this.

“But I’m luckier that you love me,” Nico said.

Suddenly, instead of floating to sleep like she’d intended, Nico rolled over and positioned herself on top of Karolina. Her eyes were still dark, and her smile bordering on predatory as she gazed down. Karolina swallowed. “Nico?”

“You didn’t think we were done, did you?” Nico smirked, and just like that, Karolina felt the fire within shoot high into the sun. Nico grabbed her by both wrists and pinned them down on either side of her head.

“It’s my turn again.”

* * *

Karolina awoke with her cheek pressed against a solid warmth and a bright glow against her eyelids. In the distance, a bird chirped. A car drove by, and everything seemed so still. As sleep gently tugged her toward consciousness, she felt her fingers first, and flexed them against the unfamiliar sensation of bare skin. Slowly, she lifted her head, and briefly wondered if she had died.

Beneath the light of the mid-morning sun, Nico laid sprawled across the sheets, her hair splayed like a halo about her. A corner of the blanket had made its way across her naked body, and Karolina watched in wonder as her bare chest rose and fell with the steady rhythm of sleep. Karolina’s fingers laid gently on her hip, and she found herself torn. A part of her could not fully comprehend the beauty of the scene before her, could not fully comprehend how dramatically her imagination had failed in all of her fantasies of this very scene. That part of her wanted to take this moment in, preserve it for as long as she could, so she could cherish it forever.

The other part of her remembered the way she felt beneath her, remembered the flavours and the sounds of near-manic desire. Desire for her. This part of her begged to touch her, taste her, hear her, love her again and again. And it was this part that won out.

Karolina pressed her forehead against Nico’s shoulder and paused, her heart rattling in her chest as she listened for Nico’s steady breathing. When she didn’t wake up, she trailed the hand on her hip downward. She lifted her head and watched for her reaction.

Her hand snuck past the blanket and found the warmth radiating from between her legs.

Nico flinched and a subconscious little whine escaped from low in her throat. Karolina smiled, kissed her lightly on the jaw, and slowly began a steady rhythm with her hand. Back and forth her fingers ran, until the sensitive nub sought her attention.

Nico squirmed, sighed, then inhaled sharply. “Karolina?” Her low, sleep-addled voice mumbled. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing,” she said, her hand continuing nonchalantly. A slow smile spread against Nico’s shoulder when Nico groaned, her legs spreading to accommodate her. Karolina snaked her own leg between, spreading her further and locking her comfortably in place.

Two fingers entered, and Nico threw her head back. Her breathing quickened as her hands reached up, one hand grabbing the headboard above her, and the other digging into Karolina’s hair. “Faster. Please.”

Karolina obeyed without a word, listening and savouring every sound Nico made instead. She adjusted her position, speeding up and slowing down in accordance to her breathing. It’d only been one night, but she felt like she’d known Nico’s body her whole life, like she never wanted to know a time where she didn’t. It wasn’t long before she came completely undone beneath her.

As Nico tried to regain control of her own breathing, Karolina draped her body on top of Nico’s and buried herself against Nico’s neck. “Good morning,” she said, unable to contain her smile, her absolute joy.

“Good morning,” Nico said, chuckling breathily as she massaged her fingers against Karolina’s scalp. “Somebody was eager this morning.”

“After how eager _you_ were last night, I wasn’t sure I could walk anymore, so I thought I’d have my breakfast in bed.”

“Funny, considering I didn’t hear _anybody_ complain last night,” Nico teased, poking Karolina in the rib with her free hand.

“Never,” Karolina murmured. She tilted her head up and caressed Nico’s cheek. Nico’s eyes softened when she met her own, and the playfulness soon gave way to tender truths. “Thank you for trusting me,” Karolina whispered. “Even though it’s scary.”

Nico trailed her fingers down from Karolina’s hair to her bottom lip, lightly brushing her thumb across it as a small smile tugged at her own. “Trusting you isn’t the scary part, Karolina,” she said. “It’s the easiest part of all of this—that’s what’s so scary. It’s like…there’s gotta be another shoe, you know? Like I’ll wake up one day and realize this was all a dream. Or—or there’s a wrecking ball somewhere and it’s heading toward us—slowly, but inevitably.”

Karolina angled herself up and Nico met her halfway in a kiss. The kiss was short, but contained just enough love to reassure each other of something—everything—they could not put into words. When Karolina pulled back, Nico smiled, ready for the words that would soothe her fears, tell her they’re unfounded, that Karolina had faith that love conquered all.

Instead, Karolina said, “I feel the same way.”

“Really?”

Karolina nodded. “I love you, Nico. I do, but I told you—I’m afraid of this being a pattern. I want to believe we could overcome anything, but a part of me is waiting for you to disappear. Like, we’ll get complacent and you’ll get tired of me—maybe even resent me a little when you realize how much I need you, and—and I…I don’t know how to make it stop.”

Nico’s stomach dropped as she recalled their conversation in the library. She’d forgotten—or perhaps she was just naïve enough to believe they’d moved beyond that. Naïve enough to believe her “I love you” was enough to take away all of Karolina’s insecurities. And now, as she bore into those big, blue eyes—so filled with histories she did not yet know—she could not find the words to ease her doubts.

Trust me, she wanted to say. But she had no right.

I love you. A truth, but a distraction too.

Give me some time; I can change; let me prove my love to you—all trite platitudes and empty promises.

No. It wasn’t enough.

“Nico?”

Instead, she kissed her once more and said the only thing that felt right: “Let me take you on a date.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year everyone! Can you believe it’s already 2020? We are living in the future! 
> 
> And wow, what better way to open 2020 than with a big ol’ E rating to the chapter, right? I never thought I’d write any more explicit content for deanoru after Let Me, but it also felt like a necessary part of their journey together. Are you as happy for these slowly growing beans as I am?? Unfortunately, I will not be back with regular updates for the next little while, as I have a few other things to prioritize. My holiday has sadly come to an end, and my life is about to get very hectic for the next while.
> 
> Chapters 8 and 9 are coming along quite nicely, however, so please rest assured that I will not leave you hanging. I will definitely be back whenever time permits.
> 
> The little mash-up that Karolina sings in this chapter are Grow As We Go and Run Away, both by Ben Platt.
> 
> You guys, I'm excited for so many things this year, including going home and travelling and figuring out what the proper etiquette is to make friends with people on Twitter. Y'all, I'm seriously aching to find friends to talk about deanoru with. I'm @fireroastedmoo. Be my friend and encourage me to write more? 
> 
> As always, every comment, every kudo means a lot to me. Like every writer, we dedicate hundreds of hours into this labour of love. Tell us how we’re doing, eh?
> 
> Have a safe and happy start to the new year, everybody!


	8. Chapter 8

The early afternoon weather was chilly despite the ever-present sunshine. Nico shoved her hands into the pockets of her black peacoat as she watched Old Lace sniff at a nearby tree.

“Isn’t it a bit reductive to give your female dog a pink collar?” She commented. “Am I using that word correctly? It sounds feminist or intersectional or whatever.”

Gert chuckled, looking on affectionately as Old Lace tugged her along by the leash to the next tree. “Normally, yes, because such simplistic representations of gender perpetuate outdated and frankly unsustainable notions of beauty and expectation.” She paused, tilting her head a bit to offer Nico a grin. “But it was a gift from Janet, so I couldn’t exactly say no. Chase would kill me, and I would feel like I’d committed a sin against womankind. I mean, you know, she’s, like—”

“Changing the world every day, yes I know.” Nico rolled her eyes playfully. “Your love for the brilliant Janet Stein runs deep, I know.”

“Damn straight. And I’ll never stop singing her praises till the day I die. You know she’s on tons of lists for the most inspirational women of the decade? Normally, I’m all for downgrading our obsession with technology, but Janet’s contributions to artificial intelligence are, like, seriously ground-breaking. She’s probably one of the most inspirational minds in the world, in all of history, aside from maybe—”

“Ugh, _don’t_ say her name.”

“I was going to say Marie Curie,” Gert laughed.

“Fuck off,” Nico said, punching her lightly in the arm. “Like hell you were.”

Gert grabbed her arm and gasped in mock pain. “Jesus, Nico, do you ever chill?”

“Yeah, hi, have we met?” Nico said crossing her arms. They both turned away respectfully when Old Lace decided on a nearby tree and lifted a leg.

“Unfortunately,” Gert replied with a chuckle. “So, are you going to tell me what this is _really_ about? I mean, I’m always down to walk my dog with my best friend, but I know for a fact that you had a hot date last night and frankly, I’m shocked and appalled you’re not with her.”

“Old Lace seems to get bigger every time I see her,” Nico said, leaping into the non sequitur with full confidence. “What is she again? Rottweiler? Wait, do those have floppy ears?”

“Rottweiler and German shepherd. Yes, they have floppy ears, and yes, she’s probably getting bigger because you’re getting smaller. Are we done with the small talk now?”

Nico whipped her attention up from Old Lace to Gert, levelling her with a glare. “I’m not small,” she said for the millionth time in their lifelong friendship.

Old Lace guided them back to path, where they continued their walk, shaded by rustling green trees. A smattering of people dotted the grassy expanse on either side—young parents, children, elderly couples, joggers, and dog walkers all united by a moment in overlapping schedules on a bright Sunday afternoon. Old Lace trotted forward without a care, her solid, black and brown head focused ahead as her tail suddenly began wagging at the sight of a little papillon headed their way.

“Oh boy,” Gert muttered. “Lace has such a weird thing for tiny dogs. Kinda like—”

“No. Don’t you dare.”

Gert snickered, clearly pleased with herself and unaffected by Nico’s annoyance. Secretly, Nico’s mind wandered to the previous night, Karolina’s voice awash with want as she playfully reminded her of the little dog conversation at the bar. She thought back to her hot breath on her skin, her hands tantalizing her slowly, driving her the best kind of insane, then—

She shook her head before she could embarrass herself further—Gert would tease her for the rest of her life if she knew how turned on she suddenly felt. All at the mention of small dogs. Jesus, get a grip, Nico told herself.

“Alright, Lace, let’s go play ball over here before that little dog makes you crazy.”

Nico dismissed the comment as quickly as she could, and blindly followed Gert toward a bench. Gert handed her a tennis ball, which she gladly threw as hard as she could in the hopes of dispelling some of the sudden restless energy. Old Lace, freshly off her leash, shot off like a rocket after it.

“Seriously, Nico,” Gert said, crossing one leg over the other on the bench while she watched Lace scoop the tennis ball up into her jaws, “is something bothering you? You’re, like bothered, but not super bothered. So it’s not terrible, but you’re…I don’t know, antsy?”

“Ugh, can you stop peering into my brain? It’s so shitty when it doesn’t go both ways.”

Gert lifted a brow. “What are you talking about now?”

Nico averted her gaze to Old Lace, who had dropped the ball a few feet away and was now happily rolling in the grass. “Nothing.” She stopped—no, she wasn’t shutting people out again, she told herself firmly. “It’s just that I feel like you always know when something is wrong. And I…I don’t get to do that for you. At least, I don’t know, maybe I’m just not as observant. It just kind of sucks to feel like I don’t have anything to offer when you’re doing so much for me. You show up and you just know what I need—it’s like you have superpowers.”

Gert threw her head back and laughed. “Nah, you’re just not as hard to read as you think you are. Besides,” Gert turned with a grin and a pat on the arm, “I’m in a really good place right now. Don’t worry.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Chase is amazing. Old Lace is amazing. I’m getting good reviews at film festivals, and he finally got that position at the lab. Our parents are healthy, and we have a home. What more can I ask for?” Gert shook her head, though her smile never faded. “Remember when you used to stay up with me because my anxiety got so bad that I couldn’t sleep? You’d always fall asleep anyway, but we ran through so many TV shows in our senior year. And, god, when the boys started noticing me? It was so bizarre because Dale would be the one slipping condoms into my bag when he doesn’t think I’m looking, but you—my best friend—would literally beat boys up for looking at me the wrong way. Chase still jokes about the invisible battle scars from that party.” She drew in a deep breath, then gave her best friend a little nudge in the elbow. “Point is, Nico, you’ve done a lot for me over the years. I know it’s easy to forget that when we’re so…stuck in the present. It’s always one thing after another, one feeling after another—we never slow down, never breathe long enough to realize our demons aren’t real. That’s what my therapist told me. That’s why I’m rooting for you. Always.”

Nico bit her lip. “Yeah. Guess I never really saw it that way before,” she mumbled.

“Mmhmm. Ready to tell me what’s bothering you now?”

Nico nodded. “It’s about Karolina.”

“Oh _finally_! How was it?”

“W-what? What are you talking about?”

“Didn’t we just established that I have superpowers? Why are you playing dumb? I’m talking about the sex, obviously.”

“How did you—”

“Again,” Gert emphasized, “not hard to read. The way you were acting at Timely last night? And now you’re walking around licking your lips and making bedroom eyes at trees—it’s gross. Now answer my question. How was it? Was it everything?”

Nico buried her face in her hands with a groan. “Jesus, Gert,” she mumbled. “Can you not be so creepy for, like, five minutes?”

Gert leaned into her side. “Nope. Might as well talk.”

Nico dropped her hands, then sighed dreamily as she watched Old Lace trot over to Gert to lay her head on a paw draped across Gert’s foot, her big, black eyes gazing back at her curiously. “You’re as nosy as your mom, aren’t you,” Nico said, leaning down to give her a quick scratch on the head. “Fuck, where do I even begin?”

“Did she stay until morning?” Gert asked, a note of apprehension clear in her voice.

“Yeah,” Nico replied, turning to her with a crooked smile. “She was…everything. I feel like—fuck, what have I been doing my whole life? It was…so much. It was just, well, everything—I don’t have a better word for it. And, um…”

“And?”

“I told her I love her.”

Gert gaped. Old Lace lifted her head. After all the ups and downs, after all these years, Gert never expected to be surprised by anything Nico did anymore.“Sorry, _what_?” She found herself screeching.

Nico’s cheeks burned bright red. “You heard me.”

“I…Nico, I—wow, that’s…that’s huge! What—I don’t even know what to say right now. I’m just floored.”

“Yeah,” Nico mumbled, tucking her hair behind her ear in attempt to soften the embarrassment. “I mean, yeah, I’ve…never said it before. To anybody. But…I don’t think I’ve ever felt it so strongly before either. It just…felt right.”

Gert nodded slowly. “I’m hearing all these good things, and yet…I’m sensing a ‘but’.”

“Well,” Nico rubbed her hands down her thighs and heaved a sigh, “Maybe this is nothing, but even though we love each other—and I’m a hundred percent sure we do—there’s this…tension I can’t explain. I think after last time, I…I really fucked it up.” Gert sat up in alarm when Nico’s voice began to quiver. “Maybe…maybe we had something but now we never will?”

“Woah, woah, slow down, Nico. You said you love her—then what? Something must’ve happened if you’re looking like this after such a big gesture. Did she not say it back?”

“She did. She…she loves me too, but I just…I can’t fully explain it. I don’t think she trusts me, and frankly, I don’t blame her.”

“Did she say that?”

Nico shook her head. “Not in those exact words, but she told me she was waiting—expecting me to disappear. And…and I don’t know how to tell her I won’t, because who fucking knows? I mean, for fuck’s sakes, I went to the hospital last week because I was such a giant fucking idiot too stupid to control her own fucking temper. Those moments…it’s fucking scary, Gert,” Nico glared down at the white-knuckled fist balled up around the fabric of her jeans, “I just lose myself completely and I don’t know what to do, and I…I don’t know how to be the person I want to be.”

Gert leaned back and gazed up at the sky. It was a clear blue, with wispy white clouds taunting the confusing mess that must’ve been swirling around inside Nico. “I don’t know Karolina very well,” Gert confessed, “but clearly she’s special to you. And if she is, then you have to give her time. You need to give both of you time. Clearly, the girl has her own baggage too, and don’t take this the wrong way, Nico, but it might not be fully about you.” Nico nodded slowly, jaw clenched, but Gert went on just as the familiar anger swelled defensively: “Do you remember when Chase and I first started dating?”

“Barely,” Nico scoffed.

Gert put a hand on her arm and waited for the tension to ease before continuing. “Well, let me remind you—it took _forever_ for me to stop nitpicking every single thing he did because I thought that, at any moment, a camera crew was going to show up and tell me all of this was for candid camera or something. Don’t tell anybody I said this because this goes against literally everything I stand for, but there were so, _so_ many times I asked myself, ‘What would a guy like him want with a girl like me?’ And every time we fought, every time I pushed him away, I just thought, ‘well, yeah, obviously we wouldn’t work out.’ I guess I was a bit like Karolina—always waiting for him to walk out and never come back. Even when I was with him, or when he first started telling me how much he loves me. I just…didn’t know how to believe him.

“And after Amy,” she looked out across the field, her voice tinged with the ever-present grief of that name, “we both did a terrible job dealing with all of those emotions. When we broke up, I thought my world was going to end. It didn’t, of course, but it took a lot of courage. A lot of trust to realize how much better my world was with him in it. And even more to invite him back and do everything I could to make him stay. Because it’s fucking hard. In this messed up world where nothing good ever seems to happen, how is love supposed to exist, right? But it does. And it _matters._ It just takes time. You know how I know that?”

“How?” Nico asked, her voice tight.

Gert softened, her expression suddenly wistful and almost lovesick, though Nico would never be brave enough to use that word so directly. “Because Chase told me,” she said. “He told me once that if I wanted to leave him, he wouldn’t stop me. I was ready to smack him, but then he went on and he said that he would be heartbroken, but he wouldn’t stop me from being happy. Instead, he’d just have to make the most of every moment together. Maybe he’s still waiting, but hey, we’re still making the most of it. Plus, I know for a fact—because I was there—that Karolina said the same thing last night. In the song. Listen to that girl, Nico.”

“Yeah,” Nico said, her lips tugging into a small smile. After the enormity of this conversation, she didn’t quite know what to say aside from “Thank you.”

Gert shrugged. “Nothing you didn’t already know, my friend.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” Nico hesitated. “There is something else, though.”

“Yeah?”

Nico sighed and ran a hand through her hair, her gaze trained on the now sleeping face of Old Lace. “I…Tuesday.”

“What about Tuesday?”

Nico leaned back to join Gert, and turned to meet her curious eyes, a sheepish smile hanging off her lips. “I kind of asked her out on a date? I know, I know—don’t look at me like that. Everything is backwards and I’m just fucking terrible at this stuff.”

“ _Jesus_ , Nico,” Gert cried, springing up with enough force to wake Old Lace and send her skittering a few feet away with a grumpy bark. She raised her arms. “Why are you just telling me about this _now_? That’s, like, what? Two days? What the hell are we doing here?”

Nico blinked. “Oh,” she said, standing slowly, “because I haven’t thought that far? Two days seem…”

“But you have no idea what you’re doing on this date, do you?”

Nico opened her mouth to protest, but thought better than to protest Gert. “Well, kinda?” she replied with a shrug. “I haven’t fully figured it out.”

“Okay,” Gert sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger. “What kind of stuff does she like?”

Images sifted through Nico’s brain like a kaleidoscope—pieces of song, slivers of pie, fragments of her. Trivial objects like pastel sweaters and cups of tea. She liked history more than math and simple makeup, but these were transient and empty and did not begin to capture the complexities of a human being. Especially one as exquisite as Karolina. It dawned on her then, that she’d simply found the corner pieces of the puzzle, and shame bloomed on her cheeks. The answer opened before her like a wound: “I don’t really know.”

“Well,” Gert said, offering a sympathetic smile and a shrug, “as long as she isn’t a dangerously nationalistic, woman-hating, white supremacist with a massive gun collection?”

Nico returned the smile. “Yeah, I don’t think so.”

“So you’ll figure it out as you go,” Gert said. She threw an arm around Nico’s shoulder and gave her a comforting squeeze. “C’mon, let’s go get some coffee. We’ve got some serious brainstorming to do.”

* * *

On Tuesday night, Karolina stood at the curb and glanced nervously at her watch. Her stomach had been flipping butterflies all afternoon with nervous excitement, but as the minute hand continued to remind her how late Nico was, she began to . Nico had insisted that she would pick her up, but she did not like picturing Nico behind the wheel, understanding full well how insidious the trauma could be from all the times they’d talked about her nightmares. She pictured her tight, shaky grip on the wheel, the fearful heartbeat both deafening and blinding.

She pulled her fleece-lined denim jacket closer over her dress.

Everything is fine, Karolina reminded herself. Nico seemed happy—not a trace of apprehension—when she’d called that morning to confirm. Admittedly, she didn’t worry so much that morning—she was just ecstatic to finally have her phone number. They’d talked for almost an hour by the time Karolina realized she’d been pacing around the tiny space of her bathroom, partially naked, and still not in the shower.

Karolina glanced at her watch one more time—it’d been exactly thirty seconds since she’d last checked. To keep her spirits up, her mind wandered back to Sunday morning, when Nico had so easily wrapped her arms around her middle, planting a kiss at the nape of her neck as she flipped the pan in her second attempt to make an omelette. When the egg flew out of the pan and onto the counter, she’d turned. She remembered how pleased with herself Nico seemed when she glared. One that lasted all of a second when Nico pulled her down for a kiss—the kind that led to many more right there on the kitchen counter.

Gravel crunched, and Karolina looked up as a familiar black BMW pulled up in front of her. The passenger door opened and, to Karolina’s immense relief, Nico stepped out.

She wore a heavy, off-white haori, and a red shirt tucked into distractingly short black shorts. Her legs, clad in semi-sheer grey tights, seemed to go on forever into her black boots. Karolina swallowed. “Hi,” she said, finding her mouth far too dry.

“You’re wearing a dress,” Nico said, raising a brow as she approached. She snaked her hands beneath Karolina’s jacket and wrapped her arms around her middle with a grin. “Aren’t you cold?”

“Not anymore,” she replied, leaning down for a kiss.

A sudden, drawn-out honking jolted them apart. “Hey!” The window whirred down, revealing Gert and her smug grin. “Are you guys coming in or are you going to spend all night making out on the sidewalk? Some of us have places to be.”

Nico rolled her eyes in spite of the blush spreading over her pale skin. “Someone isn’t getting five stars.”

Karolina laughed and gave her a peck on the cheek. “C’mon,” she said, tugging her toward the car by the hand. “I can’t wait to see what you’ve planned.”

“Let’s not get too excited,” Nico sighed. “Don’t wanna get your hopes up too high.”

Karolina opened the door, then stopped, an almost goofy grin plastered across her face. “I can’t help it,” she said with a little shrug. “We could be eating canned beans by a trash can fire and I’d still be excited. And happy. With you.”

“Oh Karolina, please tell me you have higher standards for my poor fool of a best friend,” Gert said, craning back from the front seat. “Or you might just get your wish.”

“Hey!” Nico cried. She climbed into the back seat and gave Gert a light punch on the shoulder. “Asshole.” To Karolina, her smile was sheepish. “I promise we aren’t eating beans by a trash can.”

“Okay,” Karolina chuckled as she scooted in after Nico. “For a moment, I was worried I’d overdressed. Or maybe I’m underdressed? Not sure what the protocol is for beans.”

Nico picked up her hand with a grin and caressed the top of it with her thumb. “You’re gorgeous. Did I say that already? Because I’ve definitely been thinking that—and only that—for the last five minutes.”

“Ugh, you guys are _gross_ ,” Gert complained from the front. “Your cuteness is going to give me a rash.”

Several minutes of driving late, Karolina leaned toward the window, her brows furrowed as she peered into the dim night. “Hey, Gert? Are we going the right way?”

Gert caught her eye in the mirror with a smirk. “Yep.”

“Okay,” she said slowly, “I just thought…never mind. Where are we going anyway?”

“It’s a surprise,” Nico replied.

Little did she know that this would only be the first of five surprises over the course of this single night.

In her imagination’s extensive archive of this long-awaited date, she never could have pictured what Nico had in store for her. She’d placed herself in various restaurants, from greasy dives to penguin-coated waiters. She’d imagined looking at fish behind glass, or long drives along the coast. She pictured a dinner and movie, inside or outside. Dancing, laughing, kissing—a lot of kissing. It didn’t matter—their first date was going to be special regardless.

Not once could she have dreamt of something so intimate, so thoughtful, so grand in its own muted way. Not once could she have dreamt that Nico could bring the most beautiful, most intangible qualities of their relationship into tangible form.

The night began when Karolina slid out of the car not twenty minutes after leaving her apartment. It began with a little disorientation, a little confusion, and a little mystery that would, throughout the natural course of the night, amount to so much more.

For now, she closed the door and murmured a vague goodbye to Gert, though her eyes never left the words on the awning.

“I thought I was just being weird earlier,” Karolina said to the words above her. “But…you brought me to Timely? Why are we here?”

Nico sidled up to her and nudged her shoulder. “I’m taking you out on a date,” she said. “Obviously.”

Karolina turned to her with a raised brow. “You’re not going to make me serve my own drinks, are you?”

“No,” Nico said with a gentle smile. She stepped in front of Karolina and took her by both hands. “We’re here because Timely has a special place in my heart. This streetlight behind you,” she said, “and this spot right here, was the first time you took my breath away. And the first time I came to terms with how much I love you.” She ran her thumbs down the lines of her palms, and Karolina peered up into the still brown eyes that had come to mean so much. In those eyes she was transported back to the two memories that changed the course of her life forever. She’d always assumed that finding Nico was a feeling that only the discoverer of Tutankhamen’s tomb could truly understand, but now Nico was here, reflecting that exact same exuberance in her eyes.

“You are the greatest thing to have happened to me, Karolina. All because I was dragged here after a long flight with a raging hangover.” Her eyes sparkled. “Timely changed my life because it brought me to you, and today, I wanted to celebrate that with you. Right here. Just the two of us.”

She pressed a brief kiss to the corner of Karolina’s mouth, to which Karolina immediately responded with a kiss fuelled by all the love they’d grown over the last four months.

Though this kiss by the streetlight would have been enough for Karolina, they eventually managed to push through the front door.

The second surprise was how quickly Nico would shatter the assumption that the night could contain a simple dinner that awaited them inside the familiar bustle of their favourite bar. A quaint, but intimate experience, shared among strangers and familiar faces.

But she almost didn’t recognize the place she’d worked at only the night before. The entire place was awash in a low blue light, highlighting the nest of fairy lights hanging from the ceiling between the clocks like fireflies. Quiet music filled the room—soft strings that gave the entire place an otherworldly vibe.

There were no strangers. No familiar faces, except one—Molly, who stood beside the hostess stand, wearing a fitted suit, a flower in her hair, and a massive grin on her face. The entire bar was devoid of people.

“Welcome,” she said, immediately approaching Karolina with a tight hug. “Your table is all ready for you.”

“What is happening right now?” Karolina whispered. A million questions surfaced all at once, but it was a string of tangled thoughts that left her lips instead: “How—when—less than ten days before Christmas? How?”

Molly laughed. “Don’t worry about it and come on in!” she said cheerily. “I’ll go grab your drinks.” With that, she gave a deep, dramatic bow and a wide grin, then disappeared into the back of the bar. Karolina looked at Nico, who simply flashed a gentle smile and tilted her head.

“I promise it’s nothing illegal,” Nico said. “There’s nothing a lot of money and being very, very, very annoying can’t accomplish.”

Karolina’s brow furrowed. “But, Nico—”

Nico shook her head. “I told you I wouldn’t buy your affection. This one time—I want to make you feel as special as you are to me, even if this doesn’t even _begin_ to cover it. We really tried, so...forgive me, okay?” She said with a shy smile.

Karolina sighed. “You didn’t have to do all this, Nico. I would’ve been happy eating beans with you in an alley, even if this,” she gestured to the room, “is…amazing. It really is amazing.” She gasped when a sudden thought poked through the surface: “This isn’t because I joked about wanting to marry you for money, is it? Nico, I don’t—”

Nico rolled her eyes playfully, her smile widening all the while. “Just go inside, you dummy.”

Still a little more than dazed at the enormity of _all_ of this, Karolina walked inside, running her hand absentmindedly on the first row of old vinyl booths as she passed. As her gaze wandered the room, her mind stayed mute, speechless. Nico followed behind her—she could feel her eyes, her smile, and a tinge of nervous energy. She stopped at one of them suddenly, then turned around. “This booth,” she said, resting her hand on the backrest.

Nico lit up—radiant. The fairy lights softened the blue hues dancing across her smiling face, and she was beautiful. “You remember.”

“Of course,” Karolina laughed. “This is where you sat the first time I saw you in person. You were not having a good time.”

“And you,” Nico said, pointing toward the bar, “were standing there secretly laughing at me.” She blushed. “You looked so beautiful that I couldn’t even really be mad.”

“I was almost star struck when you walked in—I’d heard so much about you it was a little surreal,” Karolina said with a lopsided smile. “And you were just being so cute. I didn’t think you’d remember me though. Sorry.”

“Oh, trust me—I couldn’t have forgotten you if I’d tried. When you came up behind me outside that day— _that_ was surreal.” Nico grabbed her hand once more and pulled her through the pub. “C’mon, I didn’t bring you here just to reminisce, you know.” Karolina followed her, her eyes roaming the back of her head, the tips of her ears, and the slope of her neck. She bit down a smile as she was reminded of the last time she’d followed Nico like this—impatient and eager to show her the contents of her heart. She followed her to a familiar booth—one that warmed her every time—and was ushered into the seat facing the stage. This, she thought, brushing a hand against the green vinyl seats, was were Gert always sat. Right beside Nico. The first time she sang to Nico without even realizing that was what she wanted—Nico was sitting right here.

Nico lingered by Karolina, standing beside the booth with a nervous smile still in place. She met Karolina’s confused gaze, then slid an arm across the back of the seat, one knee digging into the seat to give her just enough leverage to take Karolina’s cheek into her free hand and pull her in for a long, slow kiss. Karolina’s eyes fluttered closed, her hand immediately finding the back of Nico’s neck.

Neither of them heard the scrape of rickety wooden wheels on the linoleum floor.

“Oh my god, seriously? I was gone for, like, five minutes.”

They broke apart, both confused and not quite commanding a full grasp of reality when they both turned to Molly, who stood with both hands on her hips and a playfully disapproving glare.

Nico blinked, stared blankly at Molly, then at Karolina. “Oops,” she said with a shrug.

Karolina giggled, enticing the grin back on Nico’s lips. “Yeah, oops.” She mirrored the shrug when she turned to Molly. “Sorry, Mols.”

Molly laughed. “Naw, this is great. I’m super happy for you guys. Here are the keys, Nico.” She slid a simple silver ring of keys across the table. “Don’t forget to lock up later, and don’t lose them! Here’s your food and stuff,” she said, gesturing to the wooden push cart piled with several silver cloches, glasses, and an ice bucket with a bottle of wine nestled inside. “Kitchen staff is gone already, and I’m gonna bounce too,” she added with a wink. “I was pretty ready to beg some more for you to let me stay, but after _that_ little show, I don’t think I’m old enough to stay for the feature length version.”

“But you’re old enough to work in a bar,” Nico challenged with a raised brow.

“Hey, don’t blame me for our society’s messed up priorities.” Molly laughed and turned to Karolina with a big smile, then picked the flower from her hair and stepped forward to tuck it behind Karolina’s ear. “Enjoy yourself tonight, okay?” She said. “And don’t overthink too much. Nico might be a little dumb sometimes, but she’s a good person.”

“Hey!” Nico said, pushing her lightly on the arm. “That’s rude.”

Molly stuck her tongue out at Nico, and Karolina laughed. “I will, Mols. Thank you.”

After one last goodbye to Molly, they watched and waved as she departed. Nico followed after her to make sure the blinds were closed, and the doors were locked, leaving Karolina alone in her booth to take it all in. She laid her head back against the seat and looked up at the clocks among the firefly lights, humming quietly along with the piano in the background. The lights slowly blended from blue into purple into reds and back again, like the rhythms of her and Nico. Like the journey it took to become an _us._ Or so Karolina hoped. It was still a bit of a grey area.

She took a deep breath—do not overthink, she heard Molly say. Instead, she marvelled at the lengths Nico had gone to prepare this day. To rent out the entire venue and make this so special. Perhaps the part that made Karolina smile the most was knowing Nico had let her friends in to become a part of it all. It was just over two weeks ago, she realized as her gaze wandered over to the bar, that she and Molly talked about Nico, her aversion to happiness, and her tendency to take on the world alone. Today, it felt like a conversation about a different person and a different time.

A different person who, little could she have known then, had a third surprise in store.

“Testing.”

Karolina’s attention snapped to the stage, just in time to see Nico make a face at the microphone in her hand.

“Wow, my voice sounds so weird,” Nico mumbled into the microphone.

Karolina found herself standing, her whole body thrumming with an inexplicable kind of energy when Nico took a seat on the stool she hadn’t noticed.

“No, stay there,” Nico said with a smile.

Karolina did as she was told and sat down, though her hands gripped the seats in anticipation. What was she doing? She wondered. She bit her lip. Despite the safety of private world the two of them inhabited, she didn’t want to shout. Instead, she smiled back. _Go with it_ , her heart urged her once more. So, she did.

Nico’s smile was still bright, despite the slight trembling of the resting fingers in her lap. The lights set her shirt ablaze in deep crimson. “So, um, I want to make up for the show I missed, Karolina,” she said, her voice echoing into the small room. Her smile faltered, a little uneasy in its curves. “Two days ago, you told me that a part of you is always waiting for me to leave. At the time, I…didn’t know what to say. I thought I was the only one waiting, and if I was the only one, if you believed in us more than I did—then we’d be okay. You waited for my answer that day, but I didn’t know how to tell you to have faith in me—in us—without making promises I can’t always keep. Even though…you told me right here on the stage that who we are—even if it was written in the stars—we can both be better. Together.”

Karolina crossed her arms tightly across her chest, one hand trying desperately to dam up the tears that were waiting behind her eyes, more than ready to take a leap of faith regardless of the song.

“Today, I’m going to tell you what I wanted to say that morning. In a song.” Her grin was crooked and more than a little nervous now. She reached into the pocket of her shorts and pulled out her phone. “Full disclosure: uh, I spent a really long time picking this song out with Chase—because he’s like the biggest sap I know—and even though I practiced my ass off, its probably not going to be great because, uh, I’m not much of a singer. In fact, I might actually be kind of awful? Plus, there are some really weird high notes, and, um, I’m going to read the lyrics from my phone, so I might get some of it wrong—I hope that’s okay. Just...listen to the words, not my voice,” she added with a nervous chuckle that made Karolina smile. Karolina nodded.

Nico took a few quick breaths to dispel the nerves.

Moments later, the gentle piano music stopped, replaced by the quiet strumming strings of an invisible guitar.

Nico stood and walked to the edge of the stage, her eyes catching Karolina’s one last time before she dropped them to her phone.

“There are days, I wake up and I pinch myself. You’re with me, not someone else. And I’m scared, yeah, I’m still scared…that’s all a dream.” Her voice was clear, low, almost in speaking tones, but somehow perfect to Karolina even though it frayed around the edges. “You still look perfect as days go by; even the worst ones, you make me smile. I’d stop the world if it gave us time.”

The chorus came swift and steady, and Karolina felt it to the very core—the words her doubts had been waiting for. “When you love someone, you open up your heart. When you love someone, you make room. If you love someone, and you’re not afraid to lose ‘em, you’ve probably never loved someone like I do.”

Nico hopped off the stage. “You’ve probably never loved someone like I do,” she whispered.

An orchestra of violins shot through the guitar, and Karolina felt her own heart beating in synch when Nico walked closer. Her voice, which had wavered in the beginning, soon grew confident. At the second verse, she stood in front of her, her smile certain as she dropped her phone on the table.

“When you say, you love the way I make you feel, everything becomes so real. Don’t be scared, no, don’t be scared…’cause you’re all I need.”

Karolina stood. The chorus repeated like a promise from Nico’s lips, her expression softening when her free hand reached out for Karolina. She stepped into the booth, one knee on the seat. “When you love someone, you open up your heart,” she sang, cradling her cheek. “When you love someone, you make room. If you love someone, and you’re not afraid to lose ‘em…”

Karolina touched her hand. Unable to bottle up the emotions swirling inside anymore, she took the microphone from Nico’s hand, turned it off with a practiced flick of the switch as the melody played on, then laid it on the table. Both hands then came up to cup Nico’s surprised face.

“You’ve probably never loved someone like I do,” Karolina continued in a whisper. Nico grinned, then leaned forward to close the distance between them. “I love you, Nico,” Karolina murmured in the moment before contact. Nico’s lips were salty, just as hers must’ve been. And it was in this kiss that she felt the hold her doubts had on her heart begin to slip. She felt all of Nico’s honesty, her faith, her love—not as pretty words, but as an irrefutable part of her.

Nico broke the kiss first. Her eyes dark and her cheeks pink. A little breathless to complete the expression that sent waves of heat through Karolina. Then she smiled, a tinge shy and a little sheepish as her eyes darted away. “I love you too, Karolina,” she said. “I…I hope you understand that even if that awful wrecking ball feeling doesn’t go away, I still want you. Even if it all goes away, even if we grow to resent each other the way my parents do…I never want to lose this love I have for you right now. This memory, and hopefully many memories of the love we have. And—and maybe if…if we keep loving each other, that feeling will just…go away. Or maybe it won’t. I don’t know.”

“I get it,” Karolina said, kissing her lightly on the tip of the nose. “It’s…it’s incredible how in love with you I am.”

Nico brushed a strand of Karolina’s hair behind her ear and brushed the back of her fingers down her cheek. “I agree,” she said. “I’m just not sure I want to act on exactly how much in a place like this.”

Karolina laughed, her own voice a little hoarse. “You mean you won’t take me over this definitely-not-sticky table?”

Nico flashed a sly smile. “Well, if it’s already sticky…”

“Oh my god, _no_! I’ve been here long enough to know how gross this place can be.”

“Okay,” Nico said, stepping back out of the booth. She placed a hand on the push cart by her hip, her crooked grin innocent and disarmingly incongruous with the words that followed: “how about dinner first, then my kitchen table later?”

Karolina nearly choked on her own saliva.

Nico barked a laugh—a new sound: loud, unrestrained, and quite possibly the second most beautiful thing Karolina had heard all day next to her song. “Oh god, your face,” Nico said, clutching her stomach. “I’m so sorry—I don’t mean to—I wish I got a picture—your face!”

Karolina pouted. “That’s mean.”

“It’s not,” Nico said, placing one of the mysteriously covered plates in front of Karolina. As she bent to remove the silver cloche, she planted a small kiss on her cheek. “I love your face.”

Before long, a full spread filled the table. There was a variety of meticulously arranged entrees beside salads and soups that had been hiding on the second level of the push cart. The bottle of wine—which turned out to be champagne—was soon poured into a single sparkling flute. “I didn’t even know Timely had champagne,” Karolina commented, as she picked up the slender stem of her glass.

Nico raised her glass of sparkling apple juice. “They didn’t. I brought it myself.”

Karolina raised her brows behind the rim of the glass before she could take a sip. “You went into a liquor store?”

Nico shook her head. “Thankfully, Chase knew somebody. Said it goes well with apple pie.”

Karolina lowered her glass. “Apple pie?”

The fourth surprise, echoing their first night together.

“For later,” Nico said with a shy smile hiding behind her glass. “It’s…it might not be that good, so…I thought you should have something nice to cleanse your palate with. If I were you, I’d take it slow on the champagne and save the bulk of it for later.”

“Nico,” Karolina said, leaning forward to cover Nico’s hand with her own from across the table. Her thumb grazed her knuckle as her lips tugged into a dewy smile. “Did you bake me a pie?”

A puff of nervous laughter escaped from Nico’s throat, so airy it sounded closer to a light scoff. “Yeah, I, uh, thought it might be cute? But, um,” she scratched the back of her neck, her eyes wandering upward at the still clocks, “by the time I realized I had as much talent for baking as Tina probably does, it was a bit too late, so…well, um, I guess you’ll see. If you don’t want to eat it, I totally—”

“I’ll eat it,” Karolina said quickly. “I’ll definitely eat it. Even if I get really sick later. You’ll take care of me, right?”

Nico laughed. “Yeah, okay. Fair deal.”

The next two hours passed slowly as they ate. Though their food had been cold by the time they dug in, and Nico’s pie had truly been on the side of horrific—it ended up being both overcooked and undercooked at the same time _and_ Nico admitted she’d assumed tablespoon was synonymous with teaspoon—it was still the best dinner Karolina had ever had. They spoke easily of things they loved, hated, and everything in between. Just as they had on that very first night, the words came easy. Karolina learned that Nico once made Gert cry in second grade when she broke her favourite dolls while trying too hard to make them kiss. Nico learned that Karolina wasn’t fond of onions and science fiction, and she’d always wanted to dye her hair, but her mother had always adored her natural blonde so much that she couldn’t bring herself to do it. It was these little details, little pieces of the puzzle that seemed so mundane and unimportant at first glance, that began to form the full picture. As they found more and more pieces of each other, as they filled the room with love and laughter, nothing outside this room seemed to matter—not insecurities or evil mothers; poverty or global politics. Nothing. It was just Karolina and Nico.

“Do you want to dance with me?” Nico then asked. By now, the music from Nico’s phone had long been dimmed down and faded into the background.

Karolina’s ears prickled as a chorus of strings filled the room. Nico smiled, her hand covering her phone just long enough to turn up the volume before she offered that hand to Karolina. “Is that Etta James’ ‘At Last’?”

Nico tilted her head. “Yes?”

“Are we…getting married tonight?” Karolina asked with wide eyes.

Nico’s chuckled, an adorably shade of pink colouring her cheeks when she took Karolina’s hand. “C’mon, you dummy, come dance with me.”

Karolina soon found herself at the centre of the stage, a comfortable blue light filling the space around them as Nico leaned against her. The short song looped a second time, and she clasped one hand around Nico’s. The other wrapped around her waist, pulling her close as they swayed along to the rich voice. She pressed her cheek against Nico’s head, silently basking in her scent and in the words of the song as they fell into place right there with Nico. She barely noticed herself humming along.

“I don’t ever want this song to end,” Karolina murmured as the strings began to fade.

“Me neither,” Nico sighed, snuggling comfortably beneath Karolina’s chin. “But there’s always another song after that.”

Karolina sighed as the next song faded in. “‘Unchained Melody’?” She asked, chuckling quietly. “Are you sure we aren’t getting married?”

“Trust me—we’d do a hell lot better than old cliched love songs if we were,” Nico protested.

“Hm, but you love this, don’t you?” Karolina teased. “I sure do. I mean, not that My Chemical Romance wouldn’t be just as perfect.”

“I don’t know what the dig is, because MCR is awesome, but that sounded rude.”

“My point is, you could have the DJ play death metal, and I’d think it’d be perfect for our wedding. I mean, I’d kinda prefer if you didn’t, but—”

“Our wedding.” Nico leaned back to meet Karolina’s eyes, a mischievous smile on her lips. “You really want to marry me, don’t you?”

Heat crept across Karolina’s fair skin. “Maybe,” she said with nervous laugh. “The Minoru fortune is still pretty tempting.”

“Listen, Karolina,” Nico whispered, taking a step back. The music and the lights— it all disappeared as heavy dread dropped in Karolina’s stomach when Nico’s voice took on a sudden seriousness she did not expect. “I know we haven’t…known each other for a long time. I mean, in the long run, I don’t even know if this will work.”

“N-Nico, I—”

“Let me finish,” Nico said gently.

Karolina sucked in a breath.

“I just want you to know that I…I’ve been listening, I think, and I’ve been thinking that no matter what happens, I…I want you to know that I’m serious. All this isn’t just for show—I—I _want_ to take this chance.” She reached into the pockets of her shorts, and pulled out a velvet box.

Karolina’s stomach plummeted once more, for a wholly different reason at the sight of Nico’s fifth and final surprise.

Nico flipped the box open, her eyes slowly peering up to meet Karolina’s. “These are promise rings,” she explained, plucking out one of the two silver bands from its silk cushions. Closer now, Karolina could see that they were not simple silver bands, but silver and light gold, woven together in an intricate Celtic knot.

“Nico…”

“Karolina,” she said, smiling softly, “With this ring, I want to promise you two things. The first—I will always try my best to be the person I want to be—the person who can confidently feel like they deserve your love. And the second—I will always love you, and I will always be grateful for all that you’ve done for me. And I know there will be moments…moments where I may not remember the promises I am making to you, b-but I hope you’ll be there to remind me. Always.” She extended the silver ring, her eyes questioning. Hopeful.

Karolina reached for it, but stopped, her finger a moment away from brushing against Nico’s promises. A moment of fear passed through Nico’s eyes, which she quickly tried to assuage by touching her hand. “If I take this, Nico,” she whispered, stepping a little closer, “You have to understand that I…I want to promise you the same, Nico, I do. I want to promise you that I will trust you. That I will trust myself to be more than my insecurities. I want to promise that I will always love you and I will always remind you whenever you need me to. I—I want to promise all of that, but you have to understand, Nico, that I can’t…always be who you want me to be. There will be days where I’m broken, where I won’t have the strength to be the person you need.”

“You never have to be anything but yourself, Karolina. I want _you_ ,” Nico said. “You won’t always have to be strong, or even completely whole. Every high and every low—we promised we’d get each other through and support each other before we even knew what we were promising.” She took Karolina’s hand and pressed the ring into her palm. “And now it’s official. I love you, Karolina. That’s all.”

“Okay.”

They exchanged a look, both searching for one last shred of insecurity, and though neither could deny the weight of this commitment into a future unknown, it wasn’t there. When Karolina took the ring and slid it onto Nico’s right hand, there was only the pure exhilaration of Nico’s focused expression on her face, of the same level of love that echoed off in waves.

“I love you too,” she whispered. “Always.”

Nico grinned. “Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings and Happy Chinese New Years from New Zealand, everyone! I am currently doing some volunteer work on a farm over here, hence rather sporadic updates. 
> 
> Also, I will have to apologize. As I was rereading the first couple of chapters, I found a ton of mistakes that I'll have to revisit sometime. I do most of my writing on my phone, and sometimes things autocorrect without my noticing. I think once the story is complete, I'd like to go through it and do some serious editing. I usually edit my work a fair amount, but there's always, always room to grow. 
> 
> As I'm nearing the end of this story, I'm coming to the realization that this might be the last deanoru fic I offer up to the world, as there isn't much tethering me to this fandom. I'm not completely sure were I go from here without any fandoms, so I guess I'll go back to working on my novels? 
> 
> Chapter 9 is almost finished, so by the time I get started on the last chapter, run through it a few times with edits, that will be up! 
> 
> As always: leave a comment, leave a kudo, leave a little bit of love. It's the only compensation we need for the hours we put in :)


	9. Chapter 9

Christmas Eve was colder than usual as Nico stepped out of the car. Karolina was by her side in an instant to warm her hand in her own, but as she looked up at the imposing white building before her, she knew the chill was coming from somewhere within. Nervously, she ran a finger across the slim silver choker around her neck. She could feel Karolina’s matching bracelet against her wrist, grounding her there as she inhaled deeply and took in everything before her.

Through the glass, she could see a massive tree, suffocated by the layers of gold and silver on its branches. It was crowded inside, no doubt full of fat cats and hurried caterers. Expensive cars lined the front. There would no doubt be a stage. Endless wine. Endless wealthy drunks behaving poorly. Though it was already Christmas Eve, there was barely a fraction of the festive energy she felt in Timely two weeks ago. Everything about this party—she knew even as she stood on the outside looking in—was so damn cold.

She pictured her parents in there somewhere, no doubt surrounded by strangers and schmoozing away with their perfect, plastic smiles and all the right words. She wondered how they would react when they saw her. Would they make a scene? Parade her around to their horrible friends as if nothing changed? What if they ignored her? Nico’s sucked in a breath, felt the pressure push against her lungs—strangely, she couldn’t decide which was worst.

Karolina gently caressed the dips and curves of the silver-gold ring on her finger, coaxing Nico out of her reverie and into her eyes. The weight that had begun to grow on her chest eased away. Karolina looked dazzling, she thought absentmindedly. They barely got out the door when she showed up at Nico’s apartment with the most tantalizing, sinful red dress she’d ever seen. Thankfully Karolina had far more self-control than she did when she miraculously managed to wrangle them both into the BMW.

“Nervous?” Karolina asked with a soft smile.

“I was,” Nico replied, “a little. Then I started thinking about how deep the cut is on the dress under your jacket.”

Karolina looked down at her tightly wrapped coat and flushed crimson. “Nico! You know how worried I am about this. I don’t know how well the tape is holding, honestly,” she muttered, pulling her jacket even closer with her free hand. “What if I end up flashing your mom or something?”

“Then you have to promise me you’ll run. Nobody can resist you, and I don’t want to spend Christmas batting my evil mother off you.”

“I’d rather not have that image in my head right now,” Karolina said, cringing. “Maybe they’ll let me keep the jacket on.”

“Very distracting cleavage aside, it’s a beautiful dress. It’d be a shame to keep it hidden from the world. Plus,” she grinned, then leaned up for a kiss, quick enough as to not mix the different shades of their lipsticks, “I can’t wait to take it off you later. It’ll give me something to think about while avoiding Tina. Maybe we should just head back to the apartment now?”

Karolina sighed, her free hand brushing a stray strand of hair across Nico’s cheek and tucking it behind her ear. “Nico, I’m flattered to be such a distraction for you, but we have to focus. You promised.”

Nico groaned, dropping her forehead onto Karolina’s shoulder. “I don’t want to,” she mumbled.

“Hey, I’m not asking you to forgive her, okay? I learned my lesson. Just…talk to her. We can leave right after, and you can do whatever you want with that dress.”

Nico peered up through her lashes. “Promise?”

“Promise. C’mon, let’s get inside, you big baby. We’re already late because _somebody_ couldn’t keep her hands to herself.”

Nico rolled her eyes affectionately. “Yeah, okay, pretend it’s not the dress’s fault.”

* * *

Robert Minoru was not a particularly proud man, nor was he particularly proud of many decisions he’d made in his life. As he stood on an upper balcony watching the people bustle below like ones and zeroes on a screen, he cradled his wine glass, wondering what any of this was for. What a fucking farce, he mused.

His eyes found his wife immediately, laughing easily among a circle of suits, her white dress glimmering. He took a steady sip of his wine. He didn’t know how she did it—waking up every day and throwing parties and running her business as if they hadn’t buried both their children, both literally and figuratively. Robert sighed. Worse yet, they’d both been the ones with the shovel, throwing dirt into both holes as fast as they could. How did things go so wrong? Perhaps he was the only one who gained nothing from their year of grief counselling. Their year of reliving every parent’s worst nightmare over and over until it stopped hurting.

Was he the only one tired of all this pretending? The only one who missed his goddamn family?

He placed the wine glass down on an empty table and took off his glasses. Was he the only one living with the guilt of watching Nico walk out of their lives? He rubbed his eyes with a thumb and forefinger, as if trying to rub out how spectacularly they’d both failed their youngest daughter. How spectacularly _he_ had failed her when he couldn’t—didn’t—protect her from Tina’s grief.

He leaned back against the balcony with another sigh. He replaced his glasses, then turned his gaze to the tree below him, though he found it exceedingly difficult to appreciate anything about this empty holiday and all this forced cheeriness that surrounded it. When Tina told him that she’d invited Nico to this awful party, he was, for the first time in a long time, hopeful. For the first time in a long time, he allowed himself to imagine taking his baby girl in his arms once more. Like this had all been a bad dream, like they could go back to simpler times, like he could feel his little girl’s hand in his again. Like he could feel her trust in him. But as the clock ticked by and the sky outside darkened, he could feel that hope slipping away.

Perhaps this was for the best, Robert thought, taking a long drink from his glass. How do you even begin to apologize for something so big? So absolutely instrumental in crushing their family into mere atoms of their past selves. Fuck, how do you even apologize without tearing open those wounds?

He glanced at his watch. Tina would be upset if he didn’t join in on her charades. He pushed off the balcony, casting one last glance at the crowd below. At the top of the staircase, he flexed his jaw, practiced his smile a few times—what kind of smile would the reporters want? He shook his head as he descended the stairs.

It didn’t matter. Nothing did. Nothing mattered except their brightest star, and they’d extinguished it years ago.

At the bottom of the stairs, however, he froze.

There, right at the entrance, staring right at him with eyes so much like her mother’s, was Nico. Alive, breathing, and as bright as ever.

He blinked a few times—was it his imagination? She furrowed her brow. His old heart leapt.

Robert was running before he could let the moment get away. He couldn’t care less about the curious eyes, the bursts of annoyance when he pushed his way through the crowd—his baby girl was back.

“Nico,” he whispered, his eyes misty as he drew closer, opening arms. “You…you’ve become so beautiful.” And she really had. Her face seemed sharper now, older, her eyes a little worn. He barely recognized the child he’d missed so dearly for the last two years. Perhaps even longer.

But Nico stepped back, her expression caged and familiar in a way that stabbed into Robert’s heart. A blonde woman in a scarlet dress wrapped an arm around her shoulder, pushing Nico behind her protectively. Her expression was equally distrusting.

“Nico,” he whispered softly, pleadingly. He dropped his arms to his sides.

“Da—Robert.”

Still Robert, he thought with a wry smile.

“I’m sorry, Nico,” he said, taking his glasses off to rub at his stinging eyes once more. “I—I’m…I’m sorry.”

Nico watched him steadily from behind the blonde woman. “What exactly are you sorry for, Robert?” she asked. He couldn’t read her expression, but knew this was a test. He’d thought of this moment endlessly for the last two years, rehearsed speech after speech—but he hadn’t anticipated how it would feel to see his daughter again. Hadn’t anticipated how much they’ve both changed in the time apart. The words didn’t come—everything he thought he would say suddenly seemed so trite.

Instead, his knees dropped to the floor, bowing at his daughter’s feet. He could feel, more than hear, the eyes and the invisible jeers behind his back—as he had his entire life. This weak man with not an ounce of dignity left in him. This failed father, this poor excuse for a husband. But still the words boomed, from his throat to the floor, like a bandaid finally ripped from a suffocating wound: “ _Kanbenshitekudasai!”_

A long beat of silence passed. Nico didn’t—couldn’t—speak, and much to her embarrassment, Robert seemed determined to right this wrong by garnering all the attention of the room.

“Jesus,” Nico finally breathed. She stepped forward, and tentatively touched his shoulder. He raised his eyes to carefully meet Nico’s. They were still cautious, still a little guarded, but there was a lightness to them when she rolled them—like she was fourteen again and couldn’t stand his jokes. “You are so goddamn dramatic,” she muttered, pulling him up. “Can we just—” she bit her lip, her eyes glancing up at the blonde woman a few steps away, who simply nodded. “Let’s just…talk, Dad. Maybe later. Alone. Without the samurai theatrics.”

Without another word, Robert got up and wrapped his arms around Nico in a tight hug, nodding furiously. He felt her stiffen, but he’d be damned if he didn’t make the most of this opportunity, and soon her arms came up along his broad shoulders and returned the hug.

Perhaps unlike many girls her age, Nico had seen her father cry many times in her life. He was a sensitive man, and she often thought, growing up, that he had enough emotions for both her parents. She remembered coming home to burned cookies, and her father crying a little in his apron and oven mitts. She remembered him clutching her report card to his chest with one hand and rubbing a tear away with another. None of the little moments in her memory could compare, however, to the soul-wrenching silent sobs that came the day she walked away from them. He was kneeling on the floor, much like he had been only a minute ago—her mother had stormed off. Words were hurled; decisions were made. There was nothing he could have said that day that could’ve eased the pain, and deep down, she knew this.

But god, she wished he tried.

And now, as he clutched her tightly by the front entrance, as she felt his liquid sorrows soak through her dress and into her skin, she no longer wished for the clock to turn back, for her father to be the hero she wanted him to be. There was no point—she didn’t need him to be a hero. She simply wanted to take in his cologne and—by some stroke of miracle—trust him enough to not hurt her. To feel safe in his arms like she was twelve again.

But was it really so easy to forgive?

When they finally parted, Nico rubbed her own tears from her cheeks. “You ruined my makeup, Dad,” she said with an awkward laugh. “I’m—I’m just going to go—”

“Wait,” Robert said, clutching his daughter’s wrist. His eyes glanced down for a moment at her right hand. “Is that…?” He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. You’re not leaving, are you? I—we—we have to make a speech, but after that, I thought maybe we could…”

“Relax,” Nico said, pulling away from him. “I’m just going to go fix my makeup. We can catch up or something later. Will you’ll be with…with…”

“I’ll be with your mother, yes,” he said with a sympathetic smile. “There has to be speeches—you know how much she loves those. Besides, she will want to see you, and I hope you’ll give her a chance. She…she wants to apologize.”

“I don’t—”

“Please, Nico. Give her a chance. We can…we can be a family again. I just know it,” he pleaded. “I promise I’ll be close. I won’t let her hurt you this time.”

“It’s fine, Dad,” Nico said with a small smile. “It’s…for whatever it’s worth, it’s why I came. And why I didn’t come alone.”

Robert turned to the blonde woman, who had been watching them closely. He gave her a firm nod, to which she returned with a kind smile. Whoever she was, he just knew that, somehow, he was indebted to her for bringing his child back to him.

He helplessly looked on as Nico returned to her, taking her hand almost subconsciously as they shared a secret smile. He didn’t miss the matching accessories between them. No, even without the rings, it would take a blind fool to miss the connection between them. He smiled, even as they walked away, and felt it deep in his heart that he owed the woman in red far more than he could know.

As Nico exited the bathroom, she snatched several tiny quiches from a passing waiter, and practically swallowed one whole. She had been so worried about the day, so busy preparing for her inevitable meeting with her mother, that she’d forgotten to eat. But now, after her brief moment with Robert, a weight seemed to have been lifted. She was almost…relieved. Mostly, however, she was starving.

“Hey,” Karolina said, grinning broadly as she approached with a slim flute of something bubbly. “The only non-alcoholic thing in here is this fancy water in a champagne glass. I took a sip to make sure it’s not mixed with anything.”

Nico took it gratefully and tipped it back. “Thank you,” she murmured. “That quiche was _so_ dry.”

Karolina laughed, then quickly signalled somebody for another glass of water. “So, how are we feeling?” She asked. “That was certainly…unexpected.”

“It feels…okay,” Nico said, nodding slowly. “It’s kinda weird, honestly. Feels a bit too…easy?”

“What does?” Karolina asked, snatching one of the quiches from Nico’s hand. She immediately made a face after the first bite. “Ugh, yeah, these are definitely over-baked.”

Nico popped another hors d’ouerve into her mouth, thinking hard while she chewed and swallowed. “Forgiving him, I guess? If that’s what it was. I don’t know. When I saw him like that, he just seemed so…so much like how I’ve been feeling for the last two years, and I guess I’m just…done. With that feeling. You know?” She grinned. “I like how I feel when I’m with you, and I don’t want to go back to all of that...darkness.”

“Yeah?” Karolina mirrored her grin. “That’s—I’m happy, Nico.”

“Me too.”

They resisted the urge to close the distance when the waiter returned with a second glass of sparkling water, but their matching smiles said it all to anybody who paid even an glimpse of attention to them.

They were soon pulled out of their world, however, when the generic Christmas music dimmed from the background, and a loud voice boomed into the microphone.

“Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to our annual Christmas fundraiser!” An MC with slicked-back hair and a goofy grin introduced himself and the cause they were supporting. Buzzwords were thrown around: education, homelessness, whatever else helped these fat cats sleep better at night. Nico couldn’t resist the roll of her eyes. Where did her parents find these goons every year? She wondered. From the many banners, it seemed like yet another collaboration with a charity her parents pretended to care about. “Tonight,” the man went on, “in addition to celebrating all of your hard work and your support this holiday season, we are also celebrating the launch of the Pride Foundation, a nonprofit dedicated to the support of LGBT youth.” Nico’s brows rose. Though her parents never vocally disapproved, they disapproved of so much that she’d assume being queer was just a part of the package. Nico scoffed into the rim of her glass—this was probably just another publicity stunt.

“I would now like to introduce the women behind this wonderful, wonderful cause,” the MC continued, still about fifteen notches too energetic. “First, we know her, we love her—the mastermind behind the brilliant, multi-billion Wizard International, it’s Tina Minoru!” Tina climbed up on stage to a sea of applause. Nico made a face, and almost immediately, Karolina rubbed her shoulder with a sympathetic smile. “And now I’d like to introduce the other founding partner of the Pride Foundation! The queen of the big screens, the CEO of the Ellerh Foundation, the beautiful woman with the biggest heart of gold—please welcome to the stage, Leslie Dean!”

The applause rose, but in the back of the room, Karolina’s eyes were wide as a red-headed woman ascended the stage and embraced Tina Minoru with one arm. In the back of the room, Karolina’s world slowed, the sound distorting all around her. Glass shattered at her feet, and it wasn’t until she heard Nico’s cry did she realize she’d dropped her champagne flute.

She murmured her apology. Her eyes could not tear away from the smiling woman on the stage because it simply couldn’t be.

Several people glanced back at her in alarm, but soon focused their attention back to the stage as the MC handed Tina the microphone. The red-haired woman smiled.

It couldn’t be.

“Karolina?” Nico whispered her voice swimming around her as if they were underwater. An arm slid across her back to squeeze her shoulder. “Talk to me, Kar. Are you okay? Just breathe, okay? In and out. Nice and easy.”

Karolina blanched in utter disbelief. She felt Nico’s hand in hers. Felt her voice in her ear, but everything around her rang in her ears like white noise. Stiffly, she turned to Nico, chills running up her spine. Her voice was so quiet that Nico had to lean in close. “That’s…that’s my mom.” Her wide eyes bore into Nico’s. “Next to your mom.”

“What?”

Karolina nodded.

“Holy shit,” Nico breathed.

On stage, Tina was just beginning her speech. Her smile was wide, warm almost as she stood beside the woman introduced as Leslie. Her arm was on her shoulder, as if they were old friends. “For those of you who may not know, Leslie and I met two years ago in a grief counselling program. My husband and I had just experienced a devastating loss, and a friend recommended we give Leslie’s program a try. Leslie was just incredible,” Tina turned to give Leslie a smile. “She was so patient, so empathetic, and so kind. She listened to each and every one of us, and made sure we were not only heard, but respected. Safe. Healed.”

“You’re too kind, Tina,” Leslie responded with a laugh. “Certainly, when I gave up my career and began the program seven years ago, I never imagined it would lead me to Tina Minoru. If I did, I probably would’ve worked a few less hours.” She paused for the audience to roll out a few polite chuckles. “Long story short, I created this program because I had been dealing with my own traumatic loss, and I did not know who to turn to. When my friends failed me, I turned to the Lord, and He reminded me that I was not alone. There are others like me who do not know where to put their pain. The Ellerh Foundation was born soon after for that very reason. And now, we bring you the Pride Foundation, an organization that seeks to help others rise above the pain and grief.”

Tina continued by explaining all the multiple facets of the Pride Foundation and Wizard’s role in expanding its operations. There were pretty words about access to education, Ellerh Foundation’s resources to support and understand mental health needs and more opportunities for the people of the now, in order to secure opportunities for people of the future. There were holographic maps, bar charts, and pie charts—pretty numbers to support the pretty words.

“Our first major project,” Leslie continued, summoning up a holographic 3-D image of a two-storey structure, “will be the construction of The Minoru-Dean Youth Hostel. A haven for lost children who have been betrayed by the world around them, just as my daughter…Karolina?”

Leslie suddenly froze, her smile slipping. For several long seconds, it was painfully, uncomfortably quiet.

“Karolina, is that you?”

The air was suddenly sucked out of the room. Heads turned, voices murmured. Tina whipped her attention toward Leslie, whose eyes were wide as she looked out into the crowd, as if she’d seen a ghost. And for Leslie Dean, who had been haunted by every decision that led to the events of eight years ago, she truly had seen a ghost. She nearly dropped the microphone when she passed it to Tina, the screeching feedback inciting another chorus of groans throughout the room. But all Leslie heard was the ghost of her mistakes, and all she saw was the ghost of her daughter, blazing red among a sea of unfamiliar faces.

She climbed off the stage, people parting for her like the Red Sea, until she reached the back of the room where Karolina stood, equally in disbelief, as if she too were confronted with her ghosts.

“Karolina,” Leslie whispered, raising her arms. “Is…is this really you?”

Karolina’s jaw clenched. She took a step back

“Mom.”

* * *

Robert was sweating. He resisted the urge to tug at the collar of his tight shirt as he nervously surveyed the room. The venue had a private office, a minimalistic salon with a few chairs, an uncomfortable white sofa where he now sat, armchairs, and a coffee table. On the coffee table was his empty glass, and he silently prayed for some kind of magic that could refill it, because he could barely breathe with all this tension.

Tina sat on the other end of the couch with her cell phone in her lap and her arms crossed. Leslie sat beside her in an arm chair, leaning on the arm rest in such a comfortably and elegant way that it was easy to forget the many masks this woman often carried with her. Robert watched her warily—as grateful as he was for all that she’d done for them, he hoped she had enough good in her not to hurt the kids with trite platitudes or—worse—lies and excuses. Not anymore. He followed Leslie’s gaze to Karolina, who stood by the wall, expression unreadable as she stood in front of Nico. Nico clutched Karolina’s arm. He couldn’t tell who was protecting the other—perhaps they were protecting each other. He had to smile a little, even if they were protecting each other from _them_.

The silence between the five of them was oppressive. Robert loosened his tie and unbuttoned the top button of his shirt. It was really getting far too warm.

Finally, Tina crossed one leg over the other and squared her shoulders back, her chin held high. “If none of you will speak, then I will.” She looked around—all eyes were on her. “Fine,” she continued, raising both hands. “I will begin this bizarre meeting with an apology to Leslie.”

Leslie narrowed her eyes. The friendliness and demure humbleness on the stage seemed to suddenly evaporate from her entire being. Her voice was gentle, sweet, but Robert had spent enough time in the game to recognize the precision of practice. Had enough experience around Tina to recognize carefully and quietly channeled rage when he saw it. “What do you mean?” She asked.

And yet it seemed—from dip of her brows and the coldness of her eyes—that she knew exactly what Tina was going to say.

“I knew about Karolina.”

“Oh, hell no—” Nico reflexively stepped forward with fists clenched and eyes blazing. Karolina held her back, whispering something in her ear to dial the sudden fury into a gentle simmer. Robert raised his brows when Nico scowled, but silently agreed to keep the peace when she returned to Karolina’s side by the wall. Tina watched them with interest, and continued while Leslie seemed to burn holes to the side of Tina’s head as she awaited her explanation.

“If you two will recall,” Tina said, directing her piercing dark eyes at Nico and Karolina, “we met in a supermarket when I extended this invitation to you. Even in that brief encounter, it was clear you had a bond. It was clear that Nico trusted you, Karolina, and that you cared deeply for my daughter—even if you did not tell me so yourself. Believe it or not, I am also someone who cares, and it is my duty as a mother to find out how and why you were able to get close to my daughter. I hired some people to help me gather this information, and that was when I learned who Karolina Dean really is. I apologize for not telling you, Leslie, but I wanted to be sure that her intentions were pure, and that she was not going to hurt my daughter.” Tina turned to Leslie, her arms falling to her lap, her voice softening. “I didn’t want to tell you if she turned out to be somebody you wouldn’t recognize, Leslie. A lot can happen in eight years. Surely, you can understand my dilemma. I assure you that I was going to tell you eventually. I just needed to make sure.”

Leslie’s lips were pressed tight, her eyes far from friendly. She turned her attention to Karolina, who studied her just the same—curious, cautious, and distrusting. Before she could respond, however, Nico cut in with a few choice words of her own. 

“You had no right,” she said. “No fucking right. Who the hell are you to tell me who I can and cannot trust? Where the hell were you when I _needed_ somebody to trust?”

Tina scoffed. “Who do you think pay for your medical bills? I’ve always been around, even if _you_ did not want me to be.”

“What, have you just been fucking following me around for the last two years? Are you serious?”

“No. I gave you the freedom you wanted so much. There were just...parts of it I wanted to monitor. To make sure you were okay.”

“Okay? I almost became a fucking addict! I haven’t been okay for two years. What the hell did you do about _that_ , huh?”

Tina frowned. “What, did you want me to kidnap you? You know you’re every inch as stubborn as I am. What do you think I _can_ do about all your drinking and partying and spending?”

Nico’s face was red. “If you _actually_ cared, how about fucking try?”

At this, Tina rose. Before she could open her mouth, however, Robert stood and shot an arm out between them. “Stop!” his deep voice boomed. “The both of you.” He shot a glare at his wife. “This is no different from two years ago. We talked about this, Tina, we said we’d be better parents if we were given a second chance. _You_ promised _me_. And now our second chance is here and the both of you,” he pointed his glare at Nico this time, “still can’t stop _accusing_ each other long enough to listen. Worse,” he gestured at Leslie, “let the woman talk to her daughter after _eight_ _years_. Let’s _all_ talk. Like adults. Because god knows we owe it to Amy.”

At the end of his speech, his shoulders sank. Tina reached out, the guilt visible only in the wrinkle of her brow, but retracted her hand and dropped them to her sides. “Fine,” she said instead. She crossed the room and pulled three chairs together. “Come, Nico,” she said, gesturing. “We will talk.” When Nico made no move to follow, she sighed, her expression softening. “Please.”

Nico looked up at Karolina, who squeezed her hand. Silent reassurances were exchanged between them, and as Robert watched them, he glanced at Tina, who held his eyes for only a moment. When did they lose the ability to communicate like that? When did they stop loving each other, leaning on each other, despite how much they needed each other? Karolina wrapped Nico up in a quick hug and let her go.

“I’ll be right here if you need me,” he heard her say. Simple as that. He took in a deep breath as he took a seat beside Tina.

Then again, when was the last time Tina needed him? But as he glanced over at Tina now, she looked back at him with an expression he hadn’t seen in years.

There had only been three instances in Robert’s life where he’d witnessed Tina’s impenetrable armour fell apart completely at her feet. The first was the death of her father, whom she idolized despite how complicated their relationship had been. The second was the death of their daughter, whom she loved despite how difficult their relationship had been. The third was the departure of their second daughter, which she regretted immensely despite how trying their relationship had become. And now the fourth: the return of their second daughter, a chance to start anew. Robert opened his hand and clasped it around Tina’s. She flashed him a shattered smile.

“It’s going to be okay,” he whispered. She nodded, squeezing his hand as they watched their daughter approach.

Karolina sat in the middle of the love seat, apprehensive. She wrapped her arms around herself, and for a long moment, mother and daughter simply studied each other, each searching for a fragment of the past. Something familiar that could persist after eight long years and an ocean of grief between them.

Leslie looked older now. Different than how she remembered. Her hair was more blonde than red, and her eyes a deeper shade of grey than blue. Her smile, wrinkled at the edges, was just the same, but which smile she wore, she could no longer tell. Polite? Guarded? Disappointed? Genuine? Perhaps it didn’t matter—Karolina did not return her smile.

“You look happy, Karolina,” Leslie said softly. Her hands rested in her lap, fingers interlaced. Her grip was tight—was she…nervous?

“Are you scared of me?” Karolina asked.

Leslie followed her gaze down to her hands, and immediately broke them apart. She rested them on either arm rests, feigning a sense of casualness that did not extend to her rigid smile. “No, of course not, darling. I’m just nervous. I never expected to see you here today, especially not with Tina’s daughter. She seems like a nice girl. You seem close.”

Karolina frowned, standing slowly as her heart seemed ready to burst out of her chest at any moment. “You’re still…”

“Wait!” Leslie said, shooting out of her seat. She reached out, thought better of it, and let her empty hand hover in the air. “I didn’t mean it like that.” Karolina’s eyes narrowed, the tension in her jaw clear as she watched her apprehensively. Tentatively, Leslie took a step closer, another when Karolina did not move away. She reached for her hand, her fingertips brushing against the ring briefly before Karolina pulled it away. “It’s clear you...mean a lot to each other, and I’m…I’m happy for you. I really am, darling.”

Karolina held up her hand and pointed at the ring. “This is a promise ring, Mom,” she said. “Nico and I…we’re in love and we’ve made a commitment to each other. If you’re not okay with that—”

“I am,” Leslie said. She sucked in a breath and mustered up a small smile. “Truly. I—I let you down all those years ago, and I promise that I’m different now. Will you…will you let me explain?” She guided Karolina back down to the seat, and let out a breath of relief when Karolina silently complied. “I won’t lie, Karolina. When I first found you, I was furious. When you left, I thought…I thought that was just God’s way of working through us. I thought you’d go out there, repent your sins, and come home. And we could pretend nothing happened.” Karolina’s stomach twisted painfully as she listened. She wanted to run, to weep for her seventeen-year-old self and never turn back, but her mother went on. “But that didn’t happen. And when the weeks turned into months and months turned into years, I grew even more furious. And frustrated. And hurt. I…began to lose my faith that first year. All of my so-called friends at the church turned their backs on me, and I began cursing the Lord for forsaking me like that.” A sad smile spread across Leslie’s face, one Karolina did not recognize. “It took me over a year, but then it hit me. All this time, I’d been so worried about myself, my reputation, and my faith that I’d completely failed to consider how you were feeling. I raised you the same way my mother raised me—there was no way you weren’t scared. All alone out there.”

“Did you…” Karolina took a deep, shaky breath. “Did you ever look for me?”

Leslie shifted her gaze to her hands in her lap. “No. I…I thought about it many times. I prayed every night for your safety and well-being, but I was just…so ashamed. A part of me hoped you would come back, or if I do more good in the world—help more people—God would forgive me. You would forgive me and you would come home. In the end, I…I don’t know. I just never reached that point. I’m…I’m sorry, Karolina.”

“I thought you’d still hate me,” Karolina whispered, her voice wavering.

“Oh, I could never hate you, my darling. I just…needed time. I will always love you.”

Karolina shook her head. “These eight years, I was convinced. I’d…I’d played the memories over and over and over, desperately wishing for a sign that I was wrong. You were my best friend, but you—you couldn’t even _look_ at me. How—how can I believe you, Mom?” She said, her tears falling freely now, so choked up by years of tormenting emotions that she could barely breathe. “How am I supposed to forgive you?”

Leslie moved in and immediately wrapped her arms around Karolina’s shaking body. “You don’t have to forgive me, Karolina, but if you’ll give me the chance, I want to earn your trust again.”

“Eight years,” Karolina whispered into the fabric of her mother’s shirt. Eight years of loneliness, of anguish, of desperation. Eight years of searching and gambling. For a home, for someone’s love, for warmth. For a place to belong. For happiness. For something she’d finally found in Nico. How could her mother ever understand?

“I’m sorry,” Leslie whispered.

They stayed this way for what felt like hours. The little girl inside Karolina simply held her mother close, feeling her safety and warmth. The wounded teenager inside her simply let the tears fall, silently cursing her mother for the scars. The young adult who rose above the pain, who found love and happiness in spite of it, grasped deep for forgiveness, though she knew she would not find it so soon.

Perhaps in time, when these three selves did not war so intensely inside of her. Perhaps they could come together and scribble their signatures on a ceasefire. Perhaps in time, she and her mother could both find peace.

Nico shifted restlessly in her chair. She’d glanced over when the careful but civil conversation between Karolina and her mother began. Karolina’s apprehension had been palpable—she’d felt the pang of protectiveness tug her toward her, felt the need to stand beside her, fists clenched at the ready in case Leslie made one wrong move. She’d nearly knocked over her own chair when Karolina stood, facing away from her. Her ears strained to listen, the hair on the back of her neck bristled, and her eyes stayed glued to the concern etched in Leslie’s face. And it wasn’t until Karolina eased back down onto the couch to continue their muffled conversation that Nico noticed Robert had been speaking.

“Sorry, what?”

She turned to him with a blank expression, and his tired smile grew. “She means a lot to you, doesn’t she?” He asked.

Nico’s eyes flicked toward Tina, who hadn’t spoken a word since they sat down. She was uncharacteristically tense, her expression unreadable as she watched them both with her hands clasped on her crossed knee. There was neither malice nor ice—she was, Nico knew, simply thinking. She recognized this expression from the worst boardroom meetings, the worst kinds of calls from the school, the worst moments of the car accident that tore their family apart, and the worst part of Amy’s subsequent coma. Nico hated that face. Hated not knowing what she was thinking, feeling, or plotting, and it did nothing but remind her of the intense loneliness and isolation her parents had left her with when they were to weak to help her with her grief. Nico narrowed her eyes.

“Karolina means everything to me,” Nico said. “I’ll hurt anyone who tries to hurt her, and I’ll do anything to make sure she’s safe and happy. Even if it means I put myself last. Not that either of you could understand.”

Robert winced. “I deserve that, I suppose.”

Finally, Tina uncrossed her legs and inched a little closer to the edge of her chair. “Nico,” she said, leaning forward, “I’ve hurt a lot of people in my life. Not all of them intentional, but I have my regrets and my mistakes. Once upon a time, I would have made the same declaration myself before I realized how complicated love could be. Hurting others in the name of love—it’s the foundation of our society, isn’t it? If you truly love someone, you wouldn’t say such things so callously—you don’t want the universe to test you.”

“Spare me your bullshit, Tina,” Nico scowled. “I’m not your fucking therapist.”

“Nico,” Robert cut in, both hands raised and ready to placate as usual, “Please. Listen to your mother. She’s just trying too—”

Tina placed a hand on Robert’s shoulder. “You know, Nico, your sister…” She began, stopped, exhaled, then began again, uncharacteristically and unsettlingly hesitant. It was almost enough to make Nico’s skin crawl with foreboding. “Amy was…always patient,” Tina continued. “Calm. You didn’t always know what she was thinking, but she was always so observant. She knew how to take care of those around her. She was always so good at expressing how much she loved and cared. Do you remember how she’d spend hours with you, patiently teaching you kanji so you wouldn’t get yelled at the next day?”

“By you,” Nico added with a scoff.

Tina’s smile was surprisingly warm. “My point is, she didn’t get any of those traits from me.” She turned to Robert with a watery smile and a squeeze of his hand. “Which left you with all of my stubbornness and pride.”

“Wow. Thanks.”

“Whether you want to admit it or not, Nico, we are both cut from the same cloth. It’s largely why we’ve rarely seen eye to eye,” Tina said. Her hands dropped to her knee, where her eyes soon followed. “We feel things differently, perhaps, from others. Our emotions can be explosive, and as much as we love—and we love so damn hard—we don’t always see it when the very people we love gets caught in our fire.”

Nico opened her mouth with the sharp retort at the tip of her tongue, and was stopped in her tracks by the sight of her composed mother’s hands trembling against the silvery white satin of her gown.

Tina rubbed her hands together, but still the trembling persisted. Robert then leaned over and wordlessly covered both hands in his own large palm. Tina flashed him a grateful smile. A rare display of affection that spoke volumes Nico had yet to understand.

Tina took a deep breath. “I…I just want you to understand, Nico, that I never meant to push you away. There were…lots of things I never meant to do or say, but—”

“You said them anyway,” Nico said icily.

“Yes. I can’t turn back the clock, and I just have to live with my mistakes,” she said, straightening a little.

Nico scoffed. “By spying on me and watching me destroy myself? Oh, and doing background checks on everyone I meet to make sure no one else gets to watch? I can’t tell which one gives you more joy.”

Tina swept her long hair back, her voice rising to meet Nico’s. “I don’t expect you to understand, Nico.”

“ _Tina_ ,” Robert said. “Just say it already.”

“You’re right, Robert” Tina said, shaking her head. “Of course, you’re right…”

She bowed her head, her hands clasped tightly beneath Robert’s hand. Several beats of silence went by. Nico watched the slight rise and fall of her slumped shoulders and waited.

Karolina was right all those weeks ago, she mused—her mother was small. How did she never notice?

Tina raised her eyes to meet hers, then ducked them, hiding them behind her hair.

“I’m sorry, Nico.”

Nico’s breath hitched.

“You’ll have to be more fucking specific,” she said, her throat tight.

“No. I’m sorry for everything. For failing you, pushing you away. For being a terrible mother. For hurting you when I should’ve been protecting you. For being too proud, too weak to stand up to your pain. Everything,” she said. Though Nico could not see her face through the curtain of hair, her voice cracked in a way she hadn’t heard in years. Robert silently handed her his handkerchief, and she wiped away the quiet tears and sniffled. “I know you think I’m a villain, Nico, but you are not the only one who lost something that day,” she continued quietly. “Everything I did, I did because of love. For better or worse.” Her eyes, red-rimmed and worn, met Nico’s with a level of vulnerability she did not expect. “I love you, Nico, and I want to be a part of your life—never doubt that I do. I hope you can forgive all of us someday. Including yourself.”

The silence that followed was like a scar between them. 

Before Nico could speak—before she could find the words—Tina inhaled through her nose, straightened her back, and replaced her carefully crafted mask. “Let’s go, Robert,” she said, her tight smile forcing the courage her shattered voice did not possess. “We have to head back to the party.”

“But—”

“Please, Robert.”

Robert nodded. He quickly dug into his pocket and pulled out a business card, which he reached over and placed on Nico’s knee. “In case we don’t get a chance to say goodbye, take my card. Call me whenever you want, Nico. Or text. Email, if it’s easier. Maybe we can arrange to have a nice dinner?” he said with a hopeful smile. “Just the three of us. Oh, and Karolina too, of course. Nothing fancy—maybe we can make okonomiyaki together like we used to?”

“Okay,” Nico mumbled, picking the card up absently.

Then, they stood, wished the room a merry Christmas, and left.

Nico sat for a long moment, simply staring at the two empty chairs in front of her, wondering what just happened.

Some childish part of her had always believed this day would come, and that part—perhaps deep down—believed in her mother’s humanity. It believed in the special kind of love born only from blood and in the kind of forgiveness born only from true empathy, made easy by the obligations of family. And maybe, if they simply forgave each other, they would both find peace and move on. They could be a family again.

What this part refused to see was the plain and simple truth: there was nothing more arbitrary than this kind of love and the forgiveness it expected. Love and forgiveness had to be earned, built from compromise, trust, and understanding.

Yes, they’d all lost something, but they all had a hand in the self-destruction that followed.

And the bitter part of Nico—the part that still felt the dull ache of being denied both love and forgiveness two years ago—wasn’t going to forget that so easily. This other part of her saw how empty and blind those childish beliefs were when the woman who was supposed to love and take care of her had instead handed her a razor blade, stood idly by while she cut herself open and disfigured everything inside, then had the nerve to call it love.

The childish part was stupid and naïve. The bitter part of Nico knew this for a stubborn fact, because she’d had a glimpse of real love, and she knew two things: one, she’d never do the same to Karolina, and two, she’d _earn_ her forgiveness every time no matter what it took. It was their commitment to each other and Karolina deserved no less than that.

Nico stayed mostly quiet for the remainder of the night. She had listened to her parents’ excuses, watched the way their twisted words slithered around each other. When she returned to the party, she watched them with Leslie from across the room, watch their smiles flick on and off like broken lamps. The three of them seemed to speak three languages at once: a mix of honesty, manipulation and excuses, and they seemed perfectly suited to the array of masks they wore for every donor.

Toward the end of the night, she watched Leslie hand Karolina a glass of champagne, watched the apprehension on Karolina’s beautiful face. Eight years, she thought. If Karolina could even begin to forgive _her_ mother for eight years of pain, perhaps she could too. Leslie wrapped Karolina up in a hug, one which Karolina seemed less than happy to return.

Nico’s heart thumped as she instinctively began moving through the crowd. No, Nico realized. She wasn’t Karolina. She didn’t have any more fucks to give about niceties.

She reached Leslie and Karolina toward the tail end of their awkward hug. Karolina’s eyes were wide, her arms stiff and uncomfortable, and Nico did not hesitate to shoot Leslie a glare and take Karolina away. Nobody hurts Karolina.

“You okay?” Nico led them to a somewhat private spot behind two large potted plants. Tenderly, she looked up into her eyes and cupped her cheek.

“Yeah, it’s…weird but…I’m okay, I think. It’ll take time. She gave me her number and said she wants to meet up another time, but I’m honestly way too exhausted to think about it right now,” Karolina replied with a sigh. “You?”

Nico scoffed, tilting her head toward her mother standing by the hallway to the bathroom, surrounded by people as usual. “She’s still alive and I’m alive, so…it’s another stalemate between us, I guess.”

Karolina chuckled. “Ready to go then?”

“Fuck yeah. Let’s get a pizza on the way home and eat it in bed.”

“Perfect, because I’m _starving._ Let me quickly go to the bathroom—meet you outside?”

“Okay.”

When Nico looked up at the night sky, she could barely just make out a few stars. Beyond the film of clouds, she knew, there must’ve been trillions of stars and constellations. Her shoulders sagged as she let out a long breath. The sky was, like her, filled with the murkiness of uncertainty, but like the sky too she had her stars. A trillion bright lights that formed the shape of Karolina and their love. They would always be there, anchored into the darkness to light the way, and knowing that with absolute certainty brought a smile to her face.

As if on cue, a warm arm slipped around her waist. “Ready?” Karolina murmured as she leaned down to press a kiss to Nico’s temple.

Nico leaned in, closed her eyes, and simply allowed the safety of her scent to surround her for a moment.

“Yeah, let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! I'm so pleased I was able to update during my vacation in NZ. 
> 
> A couple of disclaimers about this chapter. I've been working on this one for what feels like a long time, and mostly I think it's because the parent dynamic is so tricky. This underlying plot with deanoru and deanoru seniors has been running throughout all of it, and I felt like it had to be properly addressed. In lots of ways, I kind of felt like it was a bit of a cop-out with a dramatic confrontation and the convenience of having Leslie there, but I had been planning to have Leslie as a part of the Minoru's inner circle for some time. The other side I wanted to consider is the balance of emotions. I didn't want deanoru to continue to dwell, and I didn't want tension with the parents to drag on because that's not the point of this story. There is about 1.5 more chapters to go, so we will see how this plays out, eh? 
> 
> The short version of this is please forgive me for the corniness of this half resolution. 
> 
> Second disclaimer is that I'm not Japanese, and even though I felt like Robert's apology is a very important moment for all the characters, I had a really hard time finding the right phrase without directly stealing from Season 1, which didn't feel super appropriate anyway. Either way, Japanese is a very apology-heavy language, so I looked up a ton of different articles describing varying levels and usage. I settled on this one because a few sources said it means "Please have mercy" after a colossal (controllable/deliberate) screw-up. For Robert, I think his 'screw-up' wasn't completely deliberate, but still a big regret that could be soothed by mercy. 
> 
> Final disclaimer is a bit of a spoiler, but the next chapter will be kind of a Christmas filler. I'd intended for it to be a part of this chapter, but when it started pushing over 14k and shifting tones, I thought I needed to cut it up. 
> 
> See you guys soon for a very belated, very fluffy, very merry deanoru Christmas :) 
> 
> Some songs for the chapter:  
> Someone Who Loves Me - Sara Barilles  
> Slip Away - Mumford & Sons  
> Older - Sasha Sloan  
> Hope Is a Heartache - LEON
> 
> EDIT: “Christmas filler” has turned into a full-circle resolution chapter.


	10. Chapter 10

On Christmas morning, Nico dreamt of standing in her childhood home with a stack of colourfully wrapped boxes piled high in her arms. They were heavy and she couldn’t see past them, but she was so familiar with the house that she recognized the floorboards and knew she was in the hallway. If she continued walking, she would reach the living room with the vaulted ceiling, where there would be a big Christmas tree waiting for her to put her boxes down. Once she put the boxes down, she could rest—she knew this, she told herself so over and over, but she couldn’t move. She felt the weight of the boxes straining her arms. She called out to Amy for help, but the words wouldn’t come.

Amy isn’t here, she realized in a moment of lucidity. She then knew she was dreaming, but the illusions did not break. The details of the painting beside her, a rising sun her grandfather gifted the family years ago, was as vibrant and red as she remembered. The weight of the boxes felt so real, yet she couldn’t bring herself to wake up. Instead, she found herself eager to push on. To prove to everyone and herself that these boxes were nothing—that she was strong.

She took a step forward, then stopped. The boxes were going to fall.

Who would notice? She didn’t know who would be waiting for her in the living room.

Oh, who the hell was she kidding? _She_ would notice and she would know.

She would know how weak she really was.

Suddenly, half her boxes were lifted from her hands, opening her eyes to the vision before her. Karolina stood in a pink turtleneck sweater, holding the stack in her arms. She looked so soft in the low light. And somehow, the boxes—they didn’t look as big and towering as Nico thought they were. “There you are,” she said, smiling. “We’re all waiting for you, honey.”

“Who?”

Karolina did not reply. She simply beckoned her to follow with a tilt of her head and turned around. The hallway, it turned out, was shorter than Nico remembered, and she soon found herself standing beside Karolina at the threshold of the living room. The massive tree was just as she remembered. The fireplace was clean and sparsely decorated like it always was, but the roaring fire inside more than made up for its lack of holiday spirit. Tina and Robert were on the couch facing the fire. They craned back when Nico entered the room and greeted her with a smile. Normally, it would’ve been off-putting and out of character, but there was something about this dreamscape that made Nico smile. This picture of them cuddled up on the couch, Leslie in an armchair beside them, and Gert, Chase, and Molly standing by the fireplace—it felt as if this all made perfect sense.

Gert approached her first and picked off a box from the top of Nico’s pile with an arch of her brow. “You shouldn’t be carrying these by yourself, Nico,” she said simply. She brought the box to the tree, and placed it beneath.

Chase followed her lead, taking another box from Nico’s pile. “I know I don’t always seem super reliable,” he said with a grin, “but I’m always here for you.” He took the box to Gert, who stacked it beside the first.

Then came Molly. “Never forget, Nico,” she said, lifting her box above her head triumphantly, “that I’m a lot stronger than I look!”

Leslie then approached, and Nico could not resist a glare. “I know what I’ve done hasn’t made it easy for you and my daughter,” she said. Her smile was calm, composed—almost soothing if not for the hint of a storm behind her eyes—when she took down the box on top. “Let me do better.”

Robert and Tina were next, and together they lifted a small but heavily weighted box from the pile. “We should never have given this to you,” Robert said without meeting her eyes. “We know that now.” Tina nodded silently.

By the end, Nico held a single box in her hands, and it felt so light she wondered if there was anything in it. She looked up at Karolina, who simply smiled as she lifted her half of the boxes with one hand, pressing them into the air a few times as if to show off the delicious muscles in her arms.

“Aren’t those heavy?” Nico asked.

Karolina took her hand. “Not if you don’t want them to be.”

Nico squeezed her hand lightly, and it felt so real. As the world began to break, allowing real life sensations—the white light of the sun behind her eyelids and the smell of fresh coffee through her nose—to collide with her fantasy, she wondered where this dream came from and what it all meant.

More importantly, was this a memory or prophecy?  
  


* * *

When Nico awoke, her arm instinctively reached out to feel the sheets beside her and, finding them empty, she immediately pushed herself up by the elbow and blearily surveyed the one room of her apartment.

“Karolina?” Her voice cracked from sleep and her eyes blinked several times to focus.

“You’re up early.”

Nico rubbed her eyes, wondering for a moment if she were still asleep and dreaming. Karolina was standing behind her island, coffee mug in hand and a big smile on her face. She was wearing her red dress, and a wide red ribbon around her neck that wasn’t there yesterday. Of course, her arms were even sexier in real life, she noted absently. Everything about her was sexier in real life, and it was enough to short-circuit her sleep-addled brain.

“Uh.” Nico furrowed her brows.

“Merry Christmas, Nico,” Karolina said, lifting her mug. “Coffee?”

“What…what, uh…what are you wearing? Am I dreaming? Where are are boxes?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Karolina said with an amused grin, “but you’re definitely not dreaming.”

Karolina placed the mug on the countertop, then slowly sauntered toward the bed, her eyes holding Nico’s the entire time. Well, as much as she could considering Nico didn’t quite know where to look. The red dress hugged her curves so perfectly, and her teeth tugged at her red lips so seductively—this woman seemed like neither the woman who so innocently sat her down in the kitchen table with a slice of pie, nor the beautiful strongwoman in her dream.

Simultaneously confused, disoriented, and hopelessly turned on, Nico only knew one thing: it was far too early in the morning for her to process how she felt about all of this.

Karolina sat down on her bed, then tucked a strand of her blonde hair behind her ear. The tip of her ear was pink. “Well,” she murmured, the façade cracking just enough for Nico to glimpse at the cuteness hiding beneath the seduction, “yesterday, you said you were going to take off this dress, but we ended up going on a massive emotional rollercoaster and practically falling asleep in our pizza box. _So_ …I thought maybe…”

Nico slowly sat up and reached up to tug at the ribbon. She furrowed her brows, still confused. “This…oh, wait a second.”

A wide grin slowly spread as realization finally dawned and she felt suddenly wide awake. “Karolina Dean, are you my Christmas present?”

Karolina nodded.

“And I get to unwrap you all by myself?”

She nodded again.

Nico pulled at the ribbon, which came away easily. “I think I can think of a few uses for this later,” she murmured, dropping the ribbon onto the pillow behind her. “First.” She tugged Karolina by the wrist, pulling her further onto the bed so she could straddle her waist.

“It feels a bit unfair that I’m just wearing my pyjamas,” Nico said, tilting her head slightly as she swept her gaze along Karolina’s body.

Karolina’s hands slid up the tops of Nico’s bare thighs, her thumbs running just over band of her underwear and across the soft skin beneath the hem of her tank top. “I like your pyjamas,” she said simply.

“Probably not as much as I like you in this dress,” Nico murmured, almost to herself as her palms skimmed the soft fabric, stopping only to rest along the shape of her breasts. “Not that I don’t love your boobs normally, Karrie, but this is kind of next level.”

Karolina laughed. “I’m glad you like this pushed up look so much. Breathing is overrated anyway.”

“Did you tape it down this morning?” Nico asked, hooking a finger into the wide, open collar.

“Of course not,” Karolina said. “I saw the way you looked when you opened the door last night. You’d probably rip off my skin. It’s not zipped up either. Couldn’t reach,” she added sheepishly.

Without another word, Nico slipped two fingers beneath the fabric and pulled down the strapless dress. She sucked in a breath. “This is the best Christmas ever,” she whispered reverently as her hands moved to cover Karolina’s breasts like they were her most prized possessions.

They shivered beneath her palms when Karolina laughed. “Jeez, it’s not like you haven’t seen them before,” she said.

“Shhh, I’m having a moment.” Her palms moved, massaging them in slow circles. Karolina sighed as she watched Nico’s focused expression. The way she looked seemed bordering on obsession, and she almost laughed when she called out her name and didn’t respond.

Karolina covered her hand with her own, halting her movements. Nico’s eyes flicked up to meet her own immediately, visibly startled. “This present is a lot more than just boobs, Nico,” Karolina said gently.

Nico frowned. “But I like these.”

“But—”

Nico leaned down, her lips a breath away from Karolina’s own. “You’re my present today,” she whispered. “Let me play.” Nico then reached over for the ribbon, and with a few practiced flicks of the wrist, had Karolina bound with her hands above her head with a pretty red bow. As a final flourish, she kissed the soft skin beneath her jaw.

Karolina threw her head back with a quiet moan, allowing access to the creamy expanse of her throat.

“Mm, that’s better,” Nico murmured. She traversed the length of it with her tongue, savouring the texture and flavour with her eyes closed. 

Karolina wiggled against the binding, but found it tied nice and tight. “How did you…”

“Trust fund kid, remember? Sailing lessons,” Nico responded with a smirk. “Never thought they’d be so worth it. The view is spectacular.”

She peppered her kisses from her collarbone to the valley to the peak of Karolina’s breast. Her movements were languid and unhurried, her hands almost still as they rested against Karolina’s sides.

Her teeth gently scraped at the left nipple, joined quickly by an impatient tongue soon after. Karolina exhaled, allowed herself a quiet moan as she arched into Nico’s mouth. She could feel her arousal shoot to near-torturous levels when Nico added two fingertips around the other nipple.

Karolina held out for as long as she could, but Nico’s leisurely attention soon became too much. “Nico, please.”

Nico raised her head with a smirk. “Which is making you hornier: the boob play or being tied up?”

“Don’t tease,” Karolina replied with a pout.

“No,” Nico growled, sliding slowly down the length of Karolina’s body, “I can do whatever I want with my present today.” With a firm press of a palm, Karolina’s thighs were pushed open, the dress naturally riding upward to bunch around the middle.

One long leg came up to rub itself against Nico’s side, angling itself in perfect view, offering the perfect temptation. And Nico certainly wasn’t going to resist. She ran a hand up the length of her thigh, her eyes never leaving Karolina’s.

Her smirk fell, however, when her hand slid beneath the fabric of her dress. “You’re not wearing any underwear,” she whispered. “You knew I couldn’t resist, didn’t you?”

Karolina tilted her head with a sugary sweet smile. “Oops?”

“Jesus, Karolina,” Nico groaned, dropping her forehead against Karolina’s collarbone. “What am I supposed to do with you?” She lifted her head with a pout. “You’re impossible, you know that?”

Karolina laughed. She reached up and raked a hand through Nico’s bed head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said.

Nico narrowed her eyes. “That’s how you wanna play, huh?” Her hand dove down from its resting position on Karolina’s thigh and slid snugly into her slippery middle.

Karolina gasped, air sliding sharply between her teeth. Her body responded before her brain could catch up as she arched, her hips grounding down into Nico’s fingers as she curved into the delicate lips between her nipple. Her arms dug into the fabric of the red ribbon as she thrashed in blissful agony when Nico’s rhythm eventually brought her to and from the edge. She found herself begging, the staccato of Nico’s name falling from her lips almost subconsciously, over and over.

“A little deeper,” she murmured, as if in a trance. “Faster—more.”

“Is this okay?”

“Nico—oh god, Nico—I’m gonna—”

Suddenly, Nico’s mouth was on her, inside her, around her, and the pace was almost punishing, mounting hard as if she could fill her up and absorb her whole. And god did she want her to fill every inch, every particle, down to the smallest iota of space inside her, until they could both transcend into levels of unity they could not comprehend. Karolina’s eyes rolled back behind her eyelids.

“Come for me, Karolina.”

It was different than the first time they made love—less romantic, more primal; less tender, more raw desire—it was love transformed under a scarlet light, and _god_ did she come.

By the time they’d finally unstuck themselves from the dress and from each other, it was late morning and the coffee had long turned cold.

Nico laid back, breathing heavily as she stared up at the ceiling. One end of the ribbon laid loosely across her open palm while the other slid from Karolina’s stomach and brushed against her fingers. Nico turned, glanced down, then looked up to meet Karolina’s half-lidded eyes with a grin.

“Happy?” Karolina asked, a lazy smile growing in return.

“Very,” she replied. “Wanna know something else?”

“What?”

Nico lifted her hand and dangled the ribbon over Karolina’s knuckles. “My grandma told me once that soulmates are bound together by an invisible red ribbon around their pinky,” she said, sitting up to loop the ribbon around Karolina’s pinky. “My dad’s side of the family, obviously.”

Karolina chuckled. She lifted her hand, where the ribbon now hung between their two pinkies. “I like that. Means I’ll always know where you are no matter what.”

“Good thing I kinda like being stuck with you,” Nico replied with a grin. “You’ve kinda been the best Christmas present ever.”

“Oh, but I’m not done.”

Nico’s smile fell into discomfort. “Karrie, I love you, but I’m pretty tired. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m like super satiated and happy and probably glowing and stuff, but—”

“Nico, relax,” Karolina laughed, pulling her hand to her lips to kiss the ribbon looped around her pinky, “I meant I have another present for you.”

“Oh.” Nico blushed. “Okay.”

Karolina let the ribbon slide back onto the bed, though the significance of its power continued to glow in her belly, for it confirmed exactly what she’d felt since she first laid eyes on Nico. She then padded across the room and pulled on a T-shirt from Nico’s closet.

“Did you have to put on clothes?” Nico complained. Karolina returned to see Nico on her stomach, one hand cradling her cheek as she frowned. “I don’t need my present if I knew you’d put clothes on for it. Just saying.”

“I hope you don’t mean that because I worked really hard on them,” Karolina replied with a raise of her brows as she kneeled by the bed. From under Nico’s bed, she pulled out a square box wrapped in brown craft paper.

“How’d that get there?” Nico asked in surprise.

“I snuck it in while you were getting changed yesterday. Wasn’t easy with you trying to get under my dress all night, you know.”

“ _Again—_ ”

“Blame the dress, I know,” Karolina finished with a smile and a shake of her head. She sat down on the edge of the bed and extended the box out to Nico with a shy smile. “Merry Christmas again, Nico.”

Nico glanced from the medium-sized box to Karolina. “Thanks,” she murmured, feeling oddly shy as she received the gift. “I got you something too, but I feel like whatever is in here is going to blow my mind and then I’ll have to throw my gift out the window and settle for more fucking while I think of something better.”

“As appealing as more fucking sounds,” Karolina said slowly, tucking her hair behind her ear, “it might be best for both of us if you lowered your expectations a bit. I only had two weeks to make these.”

Nico shook the box gently and found it surprisingly light. “This isn’t one of those cheesy situations where you put your love in a box or something, is it?”

Karolina chuckled. “Just open it.”

Nico tore off the wrapping paper with little ceremony, and revealed a simple cardboard box underneath. With a slight quirk of the brows, she lifted the flaps and dug through the layers upon layers of pink tissue paper. She reached inside, found the object easily, and quietly gasped. “Wait, did you say you _made_ this?” Nico said, flicking her gaze to Karolina in disbelief.

Karolina shrugged as casually as she could. “Maybe?”

From the box, Nico pulled out a little blonde doll, crocheted entirely in soft, vibrant yarn. She wore a little denim jacket and a yellow dress, with brown boots to match the paper guitar pinned to her hands. On her face were only two shiny back eyes, and they stared back at her, soulful as its blue-eyed inspiration. “It’s you!” She squealed in excitement.

“I couldn’t figure out how to crochet the guitar in time,” Karolina said sheepishly, “but check the back of it.”

“God, this is incredible, Karolina. I don’t even know what to say. It’s…so incredibly sweet and thoughtful and—and, just...” Her eyes sought out Karolina’s, her gaze soft. “Thank you.”

“There’s more.” She gestured at the doll, an anxious smile dancing on her lips.

Nico flipped the doll over a few times, simply admiring the practised craftsmanship. A few moments later, she finally noticed the small rectangle taped to the back of the guitar. She gave Karolina a quick glance, saw that she was watching her expectantly, then carefully removed the rectangle. It was a simple, black memory stick.

“What is this?” She asked.

Karolina blushed. “Just a collection of songs that remind me of you. I know people don’t really save files on USBs anymore, but I couldn’t figure out how to make a mix tape—didn’t think you’d have a tape player anyway, and burning a CD just seemed silly. I hope it’s not, um, too much? Too cheesy? Too nineties? I don’t know.”

“No, this is…really sweet. I mean, this whole thing is super sweet, but…wow.” Nico rolled the memory stick in her palm—how accurately named, she thought briefly, when music mapped out the constellations of their journey together so perfectly. She pressed the USB to her heart. “I love this so much,” she whispered. “I mean, I already know I will. There’s probably going to be _so_ many Taylor Swift songs. And this little Karolina too—I’m going to treasure her forever.”

“Actually,” Karolina said, fingering the flap of the forgotten cardboard box, “you forgot her other half.”

“Oh?”

Nico nestled the USB back into the piece of tape behind her guitar, then sat the doll gently down on her bedside table. When she leaned back to admire the way little Karolina fit so perfectly into her décor, her smile broadened and her chest seemed ready to burst with love and pride.

“She’s perfect,” she echoed, turning back to give Karolina a kiss on the cheek. “You’re perfect.”

She then reached for the box, peered in, and burst into laughter. “Oh my god,” she cried, “it’s me, isn’t it?”

She lifted the Nico doll from the box. Her dark crochet waves were pulled into a bun, and she wore a little black jacket, a red dress, black boots, and matching shiny black eyes. In her hand was a rolled up piece of paper.

“I wanted to make the outfit you wore on our first official date, but I only know one pattern for clothes,” Karolina explained with a sheepish smile. “And a white jacket didn’t seem right, so I guess I didn’t recreate your outfit at all.”

“She’s beautiful,” Nico laughed. “I’ve never looked this cute.” She plucked the roll of paper out from the doll’s arms. “What’s this? Another surprise?”

Karolina’s shoulders stiffened. “Oh…right. Um…it’s…don’t get mad, okay?”

“Why would I—”

Nico stopped, the piece of paper unfurled half way. She met Karolina’s fearful blue eyes, and sucked in a deep breath before the familiar anger could rise up. She rolled up the piece of people and unrolled it again, hoping the letterhead would shift into something more palatable.

The Nico doll fell onto the bed with a quiet thump. The warm, fuzzy feeling inside her only a second ago seemed to evaporate, replaced by something awful and sinister. Her grip on the piece of paper tightened until the corner of the sheet caved in with a crackle.

Karolina placed a tentative hand on her knee. “Will you let me explain?” She asked gently.

Nico resisted the urge to recoil, despite her emotions surging. She wanted to rip the piece of paper apart and slam it into something so hard that it would explode into confetti. 

But Karolina wasn’t the person she was mad at, she reminded herself. She had a reason. Listen.

Just. Listen.

For fuck’s sake.

Nico sucked in a deep breath and unrolled the piece of paper. She smoothed out the creases. Her fingers ran across a header she never thought she’d ever see again in this life: Wizard. “Okay,” she said, closing her eyes and letting out a mostly steady breath. “An internship application. Why?”

“A long time ago, you told me that you didn’t feel like Wizard belonged to you anymore. You said you wouldn’t know what to do.” Karolina’s thumb caressed her bare knee. “I thought this might be the best way to be a part of it again. Their internship program has, like, rotations in different departments—see that grey box? I know you don’t want to do this without Amy, but maybe…you can find your own niche. Somewhere in there. A-and—and if you don’t like it, you can always leave. It’s not a paid internship anyway.”

Nico’s stomach squeezed. She felt like she had just learned to stop running away, and now Karolina offered her an impossible choice—one that required running backwards into a place she’d locked out of sight and mind for two long years.

Karolina’s eyes dropped down to her hand. “I spoke to Tina last night on my way to the bathroom,” she said slowly. “She promised me that she’d stay out of your way. You’ll probably never see her. Not unless you want to. She, um, wanted me to tell you that she wants to—”

“Don’t. Don’t tell me,” Nico said, shaking her head. “I don’t—I don’t care what she wants. She…she didn’t put you up to this, did she?”

Karolina shook her head. “Molly found the ad on campus, and I thought…well, maybe it would help you feel a little more like yourself. It’s...a direction, you know?”

Nico glared at the application form and said nothing.

Moments later, Karolina sighed, then crossed the bed on all fours and settled herself behind her. She wrapped one arm around Nico’s still naked body and tucked her chin around her shoulder. “I hope you know that this,” she tapped the piece of paper with her other hand, “is not for Tina. It’s for you. You don’t…have to do it, but I want you to be happy, Nico, and I think this is a part of it.”

Nico rolled her eyes, though her voice was soft. The dilemma was clear beneath the sarcasm. “You know my mom and I aren’t exactly best friends.”

“It’s not about Tina,” Karolina repeated. “It isn’t even about Wizard. It could be any company in the world—I’ll look for applications if that will make you happy, but—maybe I misunderstood, and I’m sorry if I did. I just…I don’t think it will. Make you happy, that is. This is about creating your own legacy and finding something to believe in, something to aim for, something to _achieve_. I don’t think you want to let Amy’s legacy go to waste—not if this is where you’re supposed to be.”

Nico clutched the hand around her middle and leaned back against Karolina’s sturdy frame. “I don’t know,” she mumbled, nudging Karolina’s chin lightly with her head. “Working for Wizard again? This is…a lot.”

Karolina tightened her hold. “I think a lot of things are going to be a lot. With our parents trying to find a place in our lives…our future. But…I think it’ll be okay. We’ll be okay. We promised—we will be there for each other even when it gets hard. And…maybe I’m being naïve, but I think there’s a lot of happiness waiting for us in the future, too.”

“Yeah…” Nico mumbled distractedly. “But, I mean…If I got you a job at _your_ mom’s company, would you do it?”

Karolina hummed. “If it lined up with my career goals—probably. I hate what she did to me, but I don’t hate what her foundation does, you know? Ultimately, I don’t want to hate _her_ either. So, if I became a counsellor or social worker and she wanted to hire me…by then, I might seriously consider it. I mean, imagine working at the Minoru-Dean Youth Hostel for LGBT kids or whatever. It’s almost like it’s _our_ legacy.”

Nico snorted. “Yeah, okay, that was pretty hilarious. I was too shocked to laugh last night, but can you believe our parents hyphenated our names before we could?”

“Minoru-Dean has a pretty good ring to it. I wouldn’t mind being a part of that, honestly,” Karolina said with shrug that belied the sudden seriousness in her tone. “It’s exactly the kind of thing I want to study and work in, and…I kinda think my mom messed up my life enough as it is. I don’t want to give up my future too because of her.”

Nico drew in a deep breath and stared back at the application in her hand. “Yeah…” she mumbled. “I get it.” She’d be lying if she said she didn’t miss the ambition she had in college. She had plans, goals—a drive to do something in this world. She and Amy talked endlessly about taking Wizard into new directions, about righting the wrongs their parents made. Sustainable solutions, investments into clean energy, transparent data policies—she loved Amy’s fire whenever they headed into Wizard, and she’d spent a lifetime trying to match it. Yes, Karolina was probably right. No other company would bring that fire back. No other company would feel truly her own, even if she managed to rise to the top. Most of all, no other company could possibly hold the potential of Amy’s grand visions.

But Amy was gone, and she felt it every day in every part of her life. There were so many things she wanted to tell her. Amy would’ve loved Karolina. They probably would’ve gotten along so well. She probably would’ve loved this internship idea too.

Amy would know what to do.

But what _would_ she do?

“What do you think, Nico?”

Nico looked up into Karolina’s patient, still blues.

“I think…I want to give you your Christmas present.”

“Okay,” Karolina said, planting a kiss at the crook of her neck. “But don’t think I’m just going to let you run away from this conversation.”

“I won’t, I promise,” Nico said, squeezing Karolina’s hand. “I just…need a minute. I mean, this is uncharted territory. Let’s just focus on how ridiculously thoughtful your presents are and how many times I need to fuck your brains out so we can forget this whole thing.”

“Nico…”

“I’m kidding. I love your beautiful brain and I promise I’m not running. I just need some time to think about it, even though deep down, I can admit that…that you’re probably right. My parents have taken enough from me.”

“Okay then,” Karolina said with a smile. “I trust you.”

“Good. Now, give me a sec.” Nico peeled herself away from Karolina’s warmth with a small smile and pulled on a long sleeved button-up from the floor before rounding the bed and ducking into the closet. When she returned, Karolina’s eyes darted between the open shirt draped over Nico’s body and the long brown box, almost as big as Nico herself, wrapped in gold paper in her hands—curiosity and desire immediately went to war for her attention.

“Weirdly enough, I also included a piece of paper as a part of your Christmas surprise,” she said, dropping the long box onto the bed. She reached underneath the box and plucked off the folded sheet of paper taped there.

Karolina placed her hand on the wrapping paper, where the box beneath extended over halfway across the bed. “That’s humongous. I really hope it’s not a dildo or something,” she murmured.

Nico, who was in the middle of unfolding the piece of paper, froze. “What?” She exclaimed, bursting into laughter.

“I’m just saying!”

“I mean, if you want, I can find one for next Christmas. But this size? It could, like, be our Christmas tree. Okay, maybe it’d be a bit small for a tree but maybe on a little side table.”

“No! Oh my god, Nico,” Karolina squealed. “I like the sound of us having a Christmas tree together, but not if it’s going to be a four feet tall dildo, no matter how imaginative you are.”

“ _I’m_ imaginative? You saw a giant box and instantly thought of a dildo!”

“Okay, but—fine, alright, you win. I have no excuse. Just tell me what it is,” she said, punctuating her resignation with a pout.

“Here,” Nico said, snickering still. She turned the piece of paper around to proudly reveal a number of colourful tables crammed with tiny font. “My version of your internship application.”

Karolina leaned over the box to squint at the tiny text. “What is this? A schedule?”

“Yep. You’re going to take your exam in March—I’ve decided. So this is your studying schedule. I’ve laid it all out here. Made sure to budget extra time to your weakest three subjects, and set deadlines just in case shit comes up. Like if you have to take an emergency shift at Timely, or if…” she picked up the internship application and made a face, “I have somewhere to be.”

“But March is only three months away!”

“Yep, and I’ve already emailed you a few links about the official UCLA application timeline, so we should be completely set when applications open in August. I’ve also emailed you a separate document for your music. Since you have some time before applications, and you’d have an extra year before you can officially start, I thought—if you want—you could spend some time with your music.”

“What do you mean?” Karolina asked with a tilt of her head.

Nico reached across the top of the box and took Karolina’s hand. “I mean, the world needs to hear you, Kar.” She smiled. “We’ve been so focused on your SATs this whole time, but god, do you even know how incredible you are? It would be a waste if you didn’t play more. In different venues. Oh, Gert said once that you could make it really big if you write your own songs, so I found this songwriting course that we could take together after all your applications are done. If you want. I mean, writing has never been my thing and I think you’re amazing no matter what you sing, but I’d love to fuck around for moral support.”

Karolina chewed the inside of her cheek. “Wow…you thought it all out. Way more than I ever have. I just...I don’t know, Nico. I’ve thought about it—dreamt about it, of course—but it seems a bit far-fetched, no?”

“Clearly, you’ve met my mother and didn’t think _this_ was far-fetched,” she said, throwing the internship application onto the bed. “You do know you’re this close to getting groupies right?” She held up a thumb and forefinger barely a half-inch apart. “Who’s to say a few part time gigs won’t land you in the big leagues?”

“Yeah…I guess. But I should be gearing up for college and saving up money for tuition and stuff. I don’t know if I’ll have time. I’ll have to work too.”

“Hey.” Nico leaned forward, her elbows on the box, and gently held her chin. “I’m not saying you need to decide right now. It might seem crazy now, but I don’t think it’s any less crazy than me working at Wizard for shits and giggles. We’re just…challenging each other, I guess.”

“Yeah,” Karolina grinned, the fear fading from her furrowed brows gradually as she wrapped her hands around Nico’s and squeezed. “I guess we are.”

“Think about it when we get there, okay?”

“Okay.”

Nico leaned in over the box, where Karolina met her for a brief peck on the lips. “Good, now that that’s settled,” Nico said with a grin, “open your present already, woman.”

Karolina laughed and released Nico’s hand in order to inspect the almost surgically methodical wrapping. “This could either be one giant dildo or hundreds of little ones,” she mused.

“Jeez, make up your mind—do you want one massive dildo or hundreds of tiny ones?” Nico asked with playful roll of her eyes.

Karolina carefully lifted the tape and unwrapped the gold paper. “I think it depends on the situation, doesn’t it?”

“I’m beginning to think you’re going to be disappointed when you realize I didn’t get you a box of sculpted dicks. And that’s a sentence I never thought I’d say to you.”

Karolina furrowed her brows as she tried to ply open the cardboard box beneath the paper. “I hate that there’s so much tape,” she grumbled, scratching lightly at the layers upon layers of packing tape revealed. “Oh god, this isn’t one of those massive box and tiny gift situations, is it? Well, it’s pretty heavy so it would have to be really, really dense.”

Nico reached over to her night stand drawer and pulled out a small pair of scissors. “Here, you whiny baby,” she laughed as she tossed it onto the bed beside the box.

Though Karolina would waste no time slicing open the layers of tape wrapped around the box, she had to ask: “Why do you have scissors by your bed?”

Nico shrugged. “Safety? Or, like, if I need to trim my bangs in the middle of the night? Or, you know, just in case my girlfriend decides to break her Christmas present because she’s upset at the packaging.”

“Aw,” Karolina said, grinning as she held the pair of scissors in the air, “I like being called your girlfriend.”

“Yeah?” Nico said, smile widening. “I like calling you my girlfriend. I’d tell the whole world if I could. Especially if you ever become a successful singer-songwriter.”

“Oh? So this was your plan all along? You’d be one of—holy shit, Nico! Is this a guitar? Did you get me a guitar?” Karolina squealed, pulling out a black case from the box, which was then promptly kicked off the bed, sending the blue packing peanuts scattering all across the floor. “I’ll clean up later,” she added quickly, as she snapped open the silver clasps. “Oh my god, you bought me a guitar.”

Inside the black velvet nestled a silvery white guitar with the words “Martin & Co.” embossed in gold between the pegs. Karolina ran her fingers over the words, then down the E string, giving it a quick pluck as she quietly admired the varnish.

“Wow. She’s…so beautiful.”

“I don’t know much about guitars,” Nico confessed, “but I did some digging and asked around and found out this was one of the models that Elle King likes to use. I don’t know if she still does, but…well, hers is black anyway, and I thought…maybe this is kind of corny, but I wanted to commemorate where we started, and maybe where you started when you first started singing ‘Runaway’. Black isn’t really your colour though, and I don’t think it really represents where you are now, eight years older and stronger. It’s discontinued anyway, so…I got it custom made. Before you say anything—I know you don’t like expensive gifts, but I felt…I felt like this was important. And I had this made like a month ago—shortly after our first night together, I think—so I can’t exactly take it back.”

“Nico…that’s…this…it’s really beautiful,” Karolina breathed. She gingerly lifted the guitar from its case, her vision blurring all the while with a sudden prickling wave of tears.

“Check the back too—the top part with the turning things.”

Karolina turned the instrument over, her gaze travelling from the base of the smoky grey birch beneath the fretboard all the way up to the headstock. Written in the same gold engraving there, Karolina read: “To KD. With love, NM.”

“Do you like it?” Nico asked, her voice wavering ever so slightly with uncertainty.

“How could you ever think any of this would be less than perfect?” Karolina replied with a watery smile. “Its beautiful. It’s thoughtful. And it’s crazy how much you’re making me cry these days.”

Nico pushed herself onto all fours and crawled a little closer. She held her eyes, her lips a breath away from Karolina’s. “As long as they are happy tears, I never want to stop,” she whispered before angling in for a kiss. Karolina returned it immediately. Each time they touched, Nico’s heart drummed with the kind of excitement she never wanted to forget, laced with new thrills she couldn’t wait to explore. She soon felt a hand in her hair, and a thumb caressing her skin, deepening the kiss with more love than she expected to find.

“I love you so much, Nico,” Karolina murmured against her lips. “I can never say it enough. Maybe I need to sing it more.”

Nico eased the guitar out of Karolina’s hands and replaced it back into its case. “Listen,” she said. “I swear I’m your number one fan, but I have a better idea.” Once the gifts were placed on the floor, safely out of the way, she flashed Karolina a wide smile and launched herself toward her, straddling her lap and wrapping her arms and legs around her in a tight embrace. She sighed when Karolina’s arms secured their domain around her waist with a chuckle in her ear.

“I love you too,” Nico murmured, closing her eyes.

Karolina pushed Nico away just enough to gently peeled back the collar of her shirt, allowing it to fall to her elbows and reveal the silky skin of her shoulder for her lips to claim. “I know,” she replied with a kiss and a nip. “Nico, just having you in my life has been the greatest gift the universe has given me.”

Nico tilted her head, allowing Karolina’s tongue better access along the curve of her neck. She felt the pressure of her lips and the exhilaration of her teeth and softly moaned like it was their first night all over again. Fingertips roamed beneath the shirt, across her stomach, and up her back, stealing her reply and leaving only a fire rekindled from hours before. “I love you,” she managed to repeat in lieu of everything else. She then recaptured Karolina’s lips and pushed her down on the bed.

Karolina, however, quickly won the upper hand and rolled Nico over into her back. She hovered over her with a grin. “Time for the _last_ part of my gift.”

Nico laughed and brushed her cheek with the pad of her thumb. “Be gentle with me, okay?”

Karolina frowned. “That’s not fair—you absolutely _ravaged_ me earlier. You can’t be so adorable and vulnerable when it’s _my_ turn.”

Nico tugged her bottom lip between her teeth. “You can do whatever you want, babe. I just…really love it when you make love to me.”

Karolina laid her forehead on Nico’s collarbone. “How do you expect me to say no to that?” She groaned. 

“I don’t see why you’d want to,” Nico replied with a smirk as she ran her hand under Karolina’s shirt and along her stomach. “God, I love your abs.”

Karolina instantly raised her head, grabbed her wrist and tugged her hand away from her shirt. Her eyes, dark and dangerous as they bored into Nico’s, sent a thrill down her spine. “You’re distractingly me and being bad.”

Nico’s arms came up to loosely drape themselves around Karolina’s neck. “And when have I ever been good?” she challenged with a raise of her brow.

Instead of tossing back another flirty quip, Karolina’s features softened. She reached up, a small smile playing on her lips as she gently ran her fingertips along the shape of Nico’s brow. “Always. I think you’ve always been good.” Nico’s eyes widened ever so slightly at the sudden intimacy in Karolina’s voice. This simple sentence—five words—represented something Nico hadn’t been able to see in years. And the sincerity in her gaze—the sea of blue tethering the vortex within—spoke volumes, spoke to how much Karolina meant in every syllable and how easy it was to believe her.

“You noticed when nobody else did,” Nico whispered.

“How could I not, Nico?” Karolina laughed. “The moment I saw you sitting there, listening to my song—I knew right away. When I saw you cry, my heart broke and I thought that maybe…maybe the pain you felt was the same as mine. Like, maybe we had matching scars on our souls before we even met. How could I not notice? How could I not fall in madly love with you?”

Nico sighed into Karolina’s touch and closed her eyes as her past stared back at her from behind her lids. Those lonely nights with strangers and booze—they were another life now. A life she could no longer understand as Karolina peppered her with kisses, each one so filled with love and promise there was almost no room for pain.

Nico gasped when Karolina brought her to the present with a stroke of her tongue. She threw her head back and surrendered herself to the sensations, her body and soul sliding open easily when Karolina inserted her key.

And when the pleasure came, she dug her fingers into Karolina’s hair and saw the future bloom like a supernova before her eyes. The fire and the rain, the rising and falling—every detail of their lives, laid out in infinite possibilities, seemed written in every wave that passed through her as she trembled against the love of her life.

Karolina took Nico into her arms and felt their pulse beat strong and steady between them.

“Everything that happened to us, the good and the bad…I think I understand now,” Karolina whispered, planting a kiss on Nico’s shoulder.

Nico turned in her arms to face her. “What do you mean?” She asked as she reached for her hand.

Karolina raised their linked hands and kissed the top of Nico’s. “It means that everything in my life leads me here. To you. All the pain and grief…I feel like I can forgive everything now that I have you.”

Nico blushed. “Even your mom?”

“Eventually,” Karolina said with a slight wince. “Not right away. Definitely not now, but…eventually. Because, I mean, what could I have done differently?”

“Be happy?”

Karolina chuckled. “And grow up in a big suburban home and date girls with generic names like Jessica or Julie? No, thank you. I don’t ever want to know a life where I never feel the happiness of being with you, Nico.”

“I feel the same way,” Nico murmured, snuggling closer into Karolina’s chest. “I love you so much.”

Beyond these simple words, Nico envisioned the lines running through them—a hundred million lives lived across time and space.

Against all odds, they found each other, let each other in and anchored themselves inside each other. And it was the little bit of Karolina glowing inside her that brought her out from the shadow of her own insecurities and urged her toward the light of the future.

With Karolina beside her, everything was going to be alright. Happiness was just on the horizon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys, can you believe it? We’ve finally reached the end of the main story...
> 
> And I know, I know, I meant to release a short, filler chapter of sorts, but as I was writing, I don’t know. I think I had a hard time letting this story go, so I kept working at it until it came to (to borrow the words of our beloved showrunners) the story’s natural conclusion.
> 
> Of course, though the main story ends here, I still have a bit more for you. Coming up, the epilogue! I have big plans for this one, and I hope it will be a nice long and satisfying chapter. It will be some time before I can hammer this one out, so please be patient :) 
> 
> A big thank you to the friends I made in this fandom. You guys are awesome. Thank you so much for everyone who not only love this story, but love it enough to let me know in the comments. Thank you to those who love this story enough to bug your friends about it, and hey, even if you just left a kudo or loved it deep in your heart, I still appreciate you :) 
> 
> Of course, thank you for all the musicians and artists in the world for inspiring all of us. This chapter was inspired by one of my favourite songs “The Origin of Love” from Hedwig and the Angry Inch. 
> 
> And hey! It’s my birthday today! Share this story with a friend or write a little comment below. If you’re shy, send me a little DM @fireroastedmoo. Any of that would be the best birthday present ever. 
> 
> See you guys at the epilogue!
> 
> PS. Between now and the epilogue, I will be combing through the entire story for typos, spelling errors, and weird sentences. I know there are tons, and I’m very sorry if it took you out of the fantasy, my friends. Because I do almost all of my writing on my phone, I end up with some weird issues sometimes. Please bear with me. Hopefully, by the time you decide to reread this story, it will be pristine!


	11. Epilogue: The Years that Followed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Thank you so much for waiting for this last chapter. I hope everyone is staying healthy in this wild time, and that maybe this epilogue can you bring you a spark of happiness. 
> 
> Please note that this chapter is separated by time. All years are relative to the previous chapter. 
> 
> This means that 9 months later refers to 9 months after Christmas Day in Chapter 10.

_September, 9 months later._

Nico swore for the hundredth time this morning as she slapped a mosquito on her arm. The fresh rain had brought in only a perpetual dampness to her clothes and a perfect climate for horrible insects to thrive. Nico swung around to shoo off yet another bug, knocking over the tin mug of lukewarm chocolate that she’d been looking forward to for the last hour.

“Mother _fucker_!”

Across from Nico, sitting comfortably on a fallen log, Chase whittled away at the piece of wood in his hand with a knife and a smirk.

“You know, I never thought, in my entire life, that I’d ever see Nico Minoru roughing it in the great outdoors. It truly is a sight to behold.”

Nico blew her hair away from her face, and picked up the mostly empty mug. “I’m going to punch you in the throat, Chase,” she said, glaring as she wiped off the dirt along the rim with her shirt.

“Now that Karolina’s around, I’m not scared of you anymore,” he declared, puffing up his chest.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“You’re so whipped, you’d never do anything Karolina would disapprove of, even while she’s off looking for mushrooms with the other girls,” Chase said with a chuckle. “And I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t appreciate a good throat punch.”

Nico scoffed into her mug as she tried to drain what was left of her hot chocolate. “I’m not whipped,” she grumbled.

“Nico, you just spent two hours putting up a second-hand tent in the middle of the Pacific Northwest. I know for a fact that _you_ didn’t choose this.”

“I promised Karolina a vacation after her applications and stuff. How the hell was I supposed to say no?” She tipped the last dregs of the chocolate onto her tongue and dejectedly placed the mug on the log beside her. “Dammit,” she grumbled.

“Didn’t you tell her you guys have a tropical island somewhere with catering and a maid or whatever? Or, like, I don’t know, a private cabin in the Swiss Alps.”

Nico crossed her arms, chest puffing slightly as if warding off the accusation in Chase’s voice. “Listen, I would’ve called my dad about the family jet, but she absolutely refused to let me spend more than, like, two hundred bucks on her. You know she and my dad are, like, best friends now after that time he taught her to make okonomiyaki, so he would’ve given the jet up in a heartbeat, but no—we flew _economy_.”

“Dude, listen to yourself,” Chase laughed. “Capital W. H. I. P. P. E. D. _Whipped_.”

Without missing a beat, Nico threw the mug over the unlit campfire between them and hit him square in the shoulder. “Holy shit!” He yelped, dropping his knife and burgeoning sculpture in the process. “Dude, I could’ve cut myself!”

“Yeah, well, I don’t want to hear it from _you_ of all people. You peel all of Gert’s fruit for her!”

“That’s called being nurturing. You’ve been dating Karolina for less than a year and now you’re basically a vegetarian _and_ you do yoga.”

“ _That_ is called being healthy, you fool. And funny you should think that’s being whipped when you went from walking around quoting your college lacrosse coach to quoting Audre Lorde and Rumi because you’re apparently now an advocate _and_ a sap.”

“Excuse me, Nico. A: I’ve always been a sap, and B: it’s not my fault Coach Alphona never said anything original.”

“Apparently neither do you because that’s _exactly_ what Gert said and you think anything she says is sacred.”

“Hey, don’t blame me for being in love with the smartest woman in the world! Besides, at least I can sleep at night without my girlfriend.”

Nico furrowed her brow. “What—that’s low, Stein, even for you! You know I have nightmares…that stopped four months ago. But still! They could come back. Fuck off, Chase—get that shit-eating grin off your face.”

Chase leaned back with an exaggerated shrug and an unapologetically smug expression. “Yeah, you’re _definitely_ more whipped—I win.”

Nico scoffed. “Fine, yeah, I love my girlfriend more than you do—fucking sue me.”

Chase straightened immediately, barely catching himself in time before he fell backwards on the log. “ _Hold up_. That is _so_ not what I said,” he said, rising up onto the log with a vengeance.

Nico crossed her arms, looking at her nails to deliberately ignore Chase’s towering form on the log. “But it’s what you proved, so…”

“I’d do anything for my girl,” Chase said, narrowing his eyes.

“So would I,” Nico challenged with a quirk of her brow. “I’d take her anywhere she wants to go. Even to an old tent in the middle of Oregon.”

“Guess what?” Chase said, standing up. “So did I! _Plus_ , I know Gert’s going to be tired when she comes back, so I’m definitely going to massage her feet like I do _every_ _day_.”

Nico stood to meet his eyes, her hands on her hips. “Well, I shampoo and massage her head _and_ I make vegan snacks for her to take to work every day. I fucking _bake_.”

“Oh, you don’t think I do too? _And_ I plan romantic dates and surprises every week. Last week? Edible flowers arranged into a portrait of Simone de Beauvoir—okay, yeah, I admit it was a little weird but Gert thought it was cute.”

Nico smirked. “Pft. Karolina knows how much I love her without making grand gestures every week. It’s the little things, my friend. Like going to every gig, waiting around the campus for her first classes to end in case she gets lonely, and staying up just to have a cup of her favourite rooibos with her before bed.”

“Well, just because I make her coffee and squeeze her toothpaste for her in the morning doesn’t mean I let routine dampen all the little gestures. I mean, not if you love your girl as much as I do.”

Nico took several quick strides around the fire pit and jabbed a finger into Chase’s shoulder. “I said I don’t make gestures every week, but don’t you dare think for a second that you love Gert more than I love Karolina. I make _gestures_ okay? I made a teddy bear for our eight-month anniversary last month. Not only did I learn to bake, I learned to fucking _sew_. I even got us couples pottery classes _and_ a joint Costco membership, so suck it!”

Chase stared down at the much shorter woman, his expression stoic. Nico stared right back, her lips pressed into a thin line.

A long moment passed between them.

Chase rose his brow.

Nico mirrored the motion.

It was Nico’s smile that broke first, and Chase’s laughter that quickly followed. “What the hell are we doing, man?” Nico asked, clutching her stomach as she bent forward laughing.

“I don’t know,” Chase said, clapping Nico on the shoulder with one hand while he wiped a tear with the other, “but I feel like I lost somehow. I mean, a _Costco_ _membership_? How could I compete?”

Nico shouldered his hand away and gave him a small shove. “Oh, fuck off. Jerk.”

“Okay, okay,” Chase laughed, “can we just concede that we’re both whipped and love our girlfriends a lot and call it a tie?” He stuck his hand out and Nico responded with an exaggerated roll of her eyes.

“Fine,” she replied, grabbing the offered hand and giving it a firm shake. “Only because I know for a fact that I’m the winner,” she added with a smirk.

“I’ll be sure to buy Karolina a whip for this fine occasion,” Chase chuckled.

Nico’s cheeks reddened. “Not a bad look at all,” she mumbled with a sudden shyness that Chase did not expect.

His dimple came back in full force as he burst into another bout of laughter. “Oh my god, Nico, _seriously_?”

Despite the heat spreading from ear to ear, Nico did not hesitate to turn and give him a swift kick in the ass with the side of her boot. “Shut up!” She cried.

When the laughter between them finally subsided, Chase wrapped an arm around both of Nico’s shoulders and pulled her into a loose hug. “I hate to be the one to be all serious and stuff, but _man_ it’s good to have you back. And to see you so happy—I’m just damn happy for you, Nico.”

Nico lifted her arm to return the hug with a quick squeeze around his torso. “Thanks, Chase.”

Chase grinned. “Karolina is good for you, isn’t she?”

“She really, really is.”

“She _whips_ you into shape.”

“Oh, I’m going to kick your ass,” Nico declared. Faster than Chase could react, she broke from the hug and swung her arm around Chase’s neck, squeezing tight for her other fist to dishevel his hair. Chase cried for mercy, and the moment of surprise on Nico’s face was enough for him to tackle her down.

There would be many more minutes of roughhousing around the campfire and chasing each other in circles, laughing and crying, before the others returned to find them both laying in the dirt, Nico’s head on Chase’s stomach as they caught their breath, still slightly drunk on giggles.

Nico couldn’t stop smiling. Was it always so easy to find joy? They were like kids—silly and stupid—but when was the last time she allowed herself to be silly and stupid? As she allowed Karolina to pull her up, she looked around at her friends. At Gert scold Chase and Molly trying not to laugh. At beautiful Karolina, smiling as she picked the leaves out of Nico’s hair.

Suddenly, she remembered the picture Karolina had reminded her of when they’d first met. Halloween and the bucket of ooze. Gert and Molly off-camera with their shit-eating grins. Amy, behind the camera, laughing so much that tears sprang from her eyes. Nico remembered being angry, but she also remembered the laughter that day. The silly, stupid fun they had.

That night, after a short trek around the woods, a clumsy dinner, marshmallows, stories, and more than a couple of drinks among her friends around the fire, Nico cuddled up beside Karolina in their shared sleeping bag and poked at her flushed cheeks. She was quiet, contemplative of all the things this woman had given her, her heart so very full.

“I’m glad I quit drinking, because I love being sober enough to enjoy this shade of pink on you, babe,” she snickered.

Karolina puffed out her cheeks to ward off Nico’s probing finger. “Don’t tease me,” she huffed. “It’s been way too long since I drank anything—I can’t believe I feel this woooozy. Maybe I’m getting old. I could probably have a few more shots though. I’m just a bit tipsy, you know?”

“I think you’ve had enough.”

“Or we could keep the party going. Just us. I’m preeeetty sure I have a bottle of wine in here somewhere.” Karolina tried to twist backwards to survey the small space of the tent, but quickly found her head too heavy and Nico too comfortable to move away from.

Nico shook her head, biting down a laugh.

“Hey Karolina?” Nico dropped her hand to rest on her collarbone and laughed when Karolina turned to look at her, flushed cheeks, and glazed eyes adorably uncharacteristic.

“Yeah, Nico?” She mumbled, completely unaware of the pivot in conversation.

“Chase said he’d buy me a whip today because I’m so whipped for you—can you believe how rude he is?”

Karolina barked a laugh, just a few decibels loud enough to startle Nico. “Yeeees, that would be hoooot . I think I’d like that a _lot_.”

Nico rolled her eyes and gave her another poke in the cheek. “Obviously it would be for you, dummy.”

“Oh.” Karolina’s brow furrowed. “I think I’d like that a lot less. I could never hurt you. You’re, like, my _favourite_ human in the world.”

“But you’re okay with me hurting you?” Nico asked with a raised brow.

“Yeah, that’s different.” Karolina grinned. “It would be soooo fucking hot.”

Nico laughed. “I think I like drunk, unfiltered Karolina.”

“Oh good, because I gotta tell you something, babe.”

“What’s that?”

“Maybe handcuffs would be fun too. Fluffy ones. You could toooootally have your way with me, and it would be the bessssst.”

Nico sat up slowly. “Oh, my god, Karolina. Have you been hiding your fantasies from me all this time?”

“Also,” Karolina went on, waving a limp hand emphatically. “I’ve always wanted you to fuck me over the kitchen counter. The one in the new place. Thought so the moment I saw it. That marble is soooo nice.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Nico replied with a laugh as she brushed Karolina’s hair back with her fingers. “Even though I don’t think you’re going to remember any of this conversation.”

“Oh! Nico, I forgot something else.” Her blue eyes blinked up, innocent and bright as her smile slowly spread.

“How many fantasies are you hiding from me?”

“Thank you.”

“What for?”

Karolina turned and clasped both hands around Nico’s face. “I know this probably isn’t the kind of vacation you’re used to,” she said slowly. Carefully, screwing up her face in concentration. “But you brought me here anyway and I just really, really, really love you for that. I’m soooo happy and soooo lucky to have you, Nico.”

“I’m really lucky to have you too,” Nico replied softly. She leaned in for a kiss at the same time as Karolina and, grossly miscalculating the distance between them, Karolina surged forward and slammed her forehead into Nico’s chin.

“Ow!”

“Oh my god, Nico, are you okay?” Karolina asked, biting her lip as her fingers clumsily found Nico’s chin.

Nico pouted. “Karrie…”

“I’m sorry...” she mumbled sheepishly. In what could only be described as beer-filled logic, Karolina brought her arms around Nico and squeezed her close, nearly crushing her face into her chest in attempt to soothe the pain. “Does it still hurt?”

Nico looked up at her from her chest, wheezing a little. “Yes. Kiss it better.”

“Yes, ma’am,” she replied with a goofy grin. She kissed her forehead first, made her way down—on the cheekbone, nose, corner of her lips, then a smacking smooch on the tip of her chin. “You are so, so, so hot, Nico.”

“Okay, okay, stop—that tickles,” Nico said, pushing her wandering lips away gently. Her own eyes flashed at the sight of Karolina’s dark blues. “You’re drunk, darling,” she murmured with as much conviction as she could muster, “I’m not going to take advantage of a drunk girl. Don’t make me a bad guy.”

“What if I want you to?” Karolina whispered against her ear defiantly. Her hand fell to the sliver of bare skin at Nico’s waist, fingers fluttering between thin cloth and soft flesh. “What if I want you to take advantage of me so hard that my body will remember tomorrow?”

“Karolina,” Nico replied as sternly as possible despite the shiver climbing up her spine. “The others are right next door.”

“I’ll be good,” Karolina returned with a mischievous, lopsided grin, her cheeks as flushed as ever against her fair skin. Her hand came up, pulling a crooked, invisible zipper across her lips. “Quiet.”

“God, you’re killing me,” Nico muttered, rolling onto her back with a loud, disgruntled exhale. “Who knew you were such a horny drunk?”

Without missing a beat, Karolina sat up and clumsily pushed herself onto all fours above Nico. Holding Nico’s eyes, her grin twisted into a smirk as she sat back on her heels and ran a hand down her stomach and toward the elastic of her shorts. It was sloppy, limbs and eyelids heavy, and her voice came out in a mumbled slur. “If you won’t do it, I’ll do it myself.”

But damn if Karolina still wasn’t the most gorgeous thing Nico had ever laid her eyes on.

Nico followed the trajectory of that hand, one part confused, one part torn, and three parts aroused by this new side of Karolina she’d never seen. She was prepared to speak, prepared to give in, but her mouth was suddenly dry and god, the slight, erratic rocking of her hips was mesmerizing.

But suddenly her hand seemed to have a mind of its own when it clapped itself around Karolina’s wrist—as if her history had awoken with a start to remind her of the worlds she used to inhabit. Karolina froze, her head falling to the side as she squinted at Nico in the dark.

“Whaaaaat?” She whined.

Nico’s conscience shoved its way forward, and she sighed, pulling Karolina’s hand out of her shorts and rubbing the back of it with gentle patterns. “You need to get some sleep, babe. Tomorrow, we’re—”

“I can’t,” Karolina mumbled, falling forward to plant a sloppy kiss on Nico’s still-open mouth as she spoke. “I’m still suuuper awake.”

Nico giggled as several more kisses covered her face, but eventually, she managed to paw Karolina away with a few raps of a gentle fist against her shoulder. “Karolina, stop,” she whispered. “You need to sleep. And you need some water.”

Karolina collapsed beside Nico with a loud groan, half her limbs haphazardly sprawled across the smaller woman. “Nicoooo,” she whined.

Nico chuckled, and with some effort, rolled to her side to run her fingers through Karolina’s wild blonde hair and comb it back behind her ear. “How about this,” she said, her voice low, “get some sleep now and if you still feel this horny in the morning, I’ll take care of it.”

Karolina grinned, then wormed closer to curl up against Nico’s chest. “Okay,” she murmured.

Nico’s fingers brushed her hair in rhythmic strokes. It was suddenly quiet, the rustle of the leaves outside and the occasional croak of a frog a comfortable part of this landscape. That was fast, Nico thought. She smiled, amused, as she pulled Karolina a little tighter and laid her head on hers. Karolina’s soft snores soon joined the symphony.

Never had Nico imagined she would feel so at peace. Especially not out here in these foreign woods. But as she held Karolina, as she continued to listen to the sounds all around her, it was as if nothing else mattered. As if nothing ever mattered as much as this.

* * *

_November, 11 months later._

Karolina turned to Nico in the passenger’s seat and slipped her hand in hers with a grin. They held each other’s eyes for a long moment, simply taking in one another and enjoying the comfort of each other’s touch.

“Green light, babe,” Nico said with a smirk.

“Crap.”

A barrage of car horns followed them out of the intersection, and it was only then that Karolina’s grip on Nico’s hands relaxed. As they drove steadily along these now-familiar roads, Nico looked out the window, her thumb running absent patterns along Karolina’s.

“What’s on your mind, Nico?” Karolina asked without taking her eyes off the road. “You aren’t nervous about seeing your parents tonight, are you?”

Nico shook her head. “It’s not that. Well, it’s a little bit that.” A beat of hesitation passed. “I was just thinking…that I was a little shit last week and I don’t know why you put up with me. Sometimes, after everything we’ve been through and talked about, I feel like nothing has changed, and I don’t know how to stop being an idiot.”

Karolina furrowed her brows. “Nico…I had no idea this was still bothering you. And you’re not an idiot.” When Nico did not reply, she simply went on. “I know you’re not very happy with me turning down that record deal—I know you worked hard to get it, and it was a hard decision for me too, but between volunteering and classes…oh, darling, you don’t have to roll up into a ball like a hedgehog. I’m not angry, and I’m not starting a fight.”

“Okay,” Nico sighed, leaning her head against the window.

“Hey, Nico?”

“Yeah?”

“I need to tell you something.”

“Okay?”

Karolina silently checked her mirrors, then pulled over. She put the car in park, then tugged their still-entwined hands to her lips before settling them at her heart. “I need you to know that I ‘deal’ with you precisely because you always put me first, your heart is so beautiful and no matter what we disagree about—even if we won’t always understand each other in the heat of the moment—even if we don’t ever understand each other, I promise it will always be okay. I’m not going anywhere.”

Nico nodded slowly, as if allowing the words time to convince her. “I’m sorry, Kar.”

“The important thing is you came back to me.”

With one more kiss on the knuckle, Karolina let go and merged them back into traffic.

“Maybe,” Nico said slowly, “we should schedule an extra appointment with Dr. Kim this week?” She cringed even as the words came out of her own mouth.

“Nico!” Karolina gasped, struggling to divide her attention between Nico and the road. “Oh my god.”

“What?”

“Did you just _suggest_ more couples therapy?”

Nico blushed in embarrassment. “I…”

“More _therapy._ That you hate.”

“I don’t hate it…I’m just…getting used to it. It makes me feel like we’re broken, even though I think we’re the best thing in this universe. But, like you said, even the best thing can have cracks. I guess? Unless you don’t think so?”

“Kintsugi—it’s what your dad said at dinner last time. The art of repairing cracks with gold. I’m so happy, Nico—of course we can make another appointment,” she said with a grin. “This honesty feels good, doesn’t it?”

“Well,” Nico drew out a breath, “speaking of my dad and honesty—if we’re going to be _completely_ honest here, can you and my dad just, like, chill tonight?”

As they pulled up to the front of the Minoru estate—the main house a modern structure that was all glass and angles and floor-to-ceiling windows that never failed to make Karolina uncomfortable no matter how many times she’d driven up to this hilltop—Karolina turned to Nico with a look of genuine confusion. “What do you mean?”

As if on cue, Robert appeared at the steps and threw up both arms. “My favourite girls!” He exclaimed as they stepped out of the BMW. He rounded the car, meeting Karolina halfway in a big hug. “So good to see you again,” he said. “It’s been too, too long.”

“Hi Robert. You smell like cupcakes.”

Robert laughed. “Good nose, Karolina. Though I’m actually making dorayaki.”

“Oh! The one from that video you sent over last week? Looked _so_ good. Before I forget, Robert, do you have any almond flour I can borrow? I was thinking of making macarons again.”

“You know you’re welcome to raid the pantries any time, Karolina,” Robert said with a wink. “Y’know, I’ve never been able to make macarons very well. They always collapse. You’ll have to show me—”

Nico cleared her throat loudly. “Hi Dad, I’m here too,” she said with a shake of her head.

Robert, fortunately, had the decency to exchange embarrassed grins with Karolina before wrapping his long arms around Nico and squeezing her until he lifted her off her feet. “My sweet, baby girl,” he cooed. “I’ve missed you.”

“Ew, oh my god, put me down, Dad,” Nico cried, squirming around in her father’s arms. “I’m not five—Jesus.”

Behind him, she could hear Karolina’s melodic laughter, and it almost made her smile—if she hadn’t nearly fallen over when her feet suddenly returned to solid ground. “You two,” she said, drawing a line back and forth between Karolina and her father, “need to chill.”

“Looks like everyone is having fun,” came a cool voice at the top of the steps. The three of them looked up to see Tina leaning against the door frame, her arms crossed as they often were. “Oh, by all means, don’t stop on my account.”

When Tina turned and disappeared inside the house, she felt rather than heard her father’s deflation. “I don’t know why she has such a hard time being honest,” he said, flashing Nico a sheepish smile. “She wants to join in, but sometimes—and don’t tell your mother I said this—she can be so socially awkward. Like…a really fancy house cat, you know? A Persian maybe?”

Nico had to crack a smile at the image. “The evil cat in _Emperor’s New Groove_ ,” she said, surprising herself momentarily with the sudden childhood memory of watching that movie with Daddy and Amy all those innocent years ago.

Robert laughed. “Exactly like that. I better go give her some attention before she turns us all into llamas,” he said with a wink. “You girls take your time.”

Once Robert was gone, Karolina came around and wrapped her arms around Nico’s middle. “How are we doing?” She asked.

Nico leaned back against Karolina’s front and savoured the solid warmth she provided. “Better. I think…it really does get easier over time. At least I don’t want to throw up every time I see her. I have to say—I’m noticing more and more of those similarities between us now, and I don’t like it.”

“What makes you say that?” Karolina’s breath tickled her ear, and it took a moment for Nico to remember what she was talking about.

“Um…the running away? The sour look on her face whenever she has to talk about _feelings_? Ugh.”

“You do kind of make the same face—oof!” Karolina blinked, shock momentarily passing over her features as she clutched her stomach where Nico had elbowed her. “I was kidding!”

“Not funny.”

Karolina chuckled, turning Nico around and pulling her back into her arms to plant a kiss to her cheek. “Obviously, _your_ face is _much_ cuter. And you’d make an adorable Persian cat too. More so than a small dog, in my opinion.”

Nico rolled her eyes, but made no move to leave. “I hate you,” she simply mumbled into Karolina’s collarbone.

Karolina laughed and angled her head down for a kiss, which Nico happily returned. When they pulled away, Karolina’s grin was smug. “Seems like it,” she said as she slid both hands down Nico’s arms and laced their fingers together. “C’mon, we better head inside—wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my days with you as a llama. You’d be so stinky.”

“You’d be a stinky llama too, you know.”

“Well, I guess we’ll be okay then.”

* * *

_Christmas Eve, 1 year later._

Nico stood by the d’oeuvres table with a small stack of tiny quiche on her red paper plate. She stood out of the way, silently perusing the rest of the selection as she nibbled.

“Well, isn’t this a familiar scene.” Nico immediately caught Karolina’s smiling blue eyes as she approached with two champagne flutes. “Sparkling water for my love?”

Nico swallowed and took the extended glass with a grateful, “Oh, thank god.”

“The quiche is still dry, I presume?” Karolina asked, stealing one from Nico’s plate. “Oh crap, forgot I can’t have these anymore.” She put it back, stacking it neatly on top of two others. “Eggs.”

“Well, they’re not as bad as last year, but still nowhere near as good as yours,” Nico grumbled. “Your vegan quiche is so much better.”

“You complain, and yet it’s the only thing on your plate,” Karolina laughed, snatching a cherry tomato from the display.

Nico shrugged. “Reminds me of last year, I guess.”

“Ugh,” Karolina made a face, “do we _want_ to remember last year?”

“I remember that dress. My god, that dress,” Nico sighed dreamily.

“Well, _I_ happen to like _this_ dress,” Karolina whispered. She stepped closer and drew her finger along the wide scooped collar of Nico’s deep green gown. “And I can’t wait to take it off tonight.”

“I’d say the same to you, except…” Nico’s eyes roamed up and down, her lopsided smile both amused and confused. “When you came out of the bathroom earlier…you know I was _fully_ expecting the whole ridiculously-sexy-I-better-bring-a-baseball-bat-to-protect-my-girlfriend kind of outfit, right? Not that this _isn’t_ sexy as hell in some ways, but…it’s…”

Karolina looked down at the tailored suit jacket that artfully covered her nearly bare chest. “I thought you’d appreciate the cut,” Karolina said, biting down a mischievous smile.

“I do,” Nico groaned. She placed her plate on the long banquet table behind her and ran her arms up and down Karolina’s long sleeves, “I _love_ this cut. But…but these _Christmas trees_! And—and your antlers. It’s a lot, babe.” She gestured vaguely at Karolina’s full length. The beautiful pearl white material was practically smothered in little emerald silhouettes of evergreens. It was too much for the jacket alone, but for somebody to craft a matching jacket and pants? Who the hell thought this was a good idea? Nico wanted to scream. She had to admit that the way every piece seemed to accentuate Karolina’s curves was delicious, and the cleavage on this outfit—almost comparable to the red dress.

But _why Christmas trees_?

“Babe, you look like you’re about to pop a vein,” Karolina said, rubbing Nico’s shoulder gently. “Do you hate my outfit that much? I can take the antlers off.”

“No, no,” Nico shook her head, “the antlers are cute. You’re cute. I just…don’t get it? I didn’t even know you _had_ an outfit like this.”

“I didn’t. I bought it a little while ago. Wanna know why?”

Nico sighed. “Tell me.”

Karolina took a step closer, and lowered her lips to Nico’s ear. “Because I saw the dress you laid out—this dress—and I knew nothing could compete.” She moved in, closer still, careful not to tip her glass, and pressed a featherlight kiss right be her ear. “Nico, you are radiant tonight.”

“Pretty words, Miss Dean,” Nico said with a scoff, the puff of air hitting Karolina’s neck just enough to send a warm tingle down her spine. “You just didn’t want to wear the dress my parents bought for you, didn’t you?”

Karolina pulled away, cheeks pink with embarrassment. “I’m pretty sure it was all Robert.” She cringed. “Tina still scares me, but she has good taste. But the pink ruffles….it’s so…oh my god, do you think Tina still hates me? Is that why they sent over that dress?”

“Yeah, probably.” Nico held a serious face for all of two seconds before bursting into laughter. “I’m kidding, babe, she probably just thought it was funny. It’s hard to tell if she has a sense of humour. That, or my dad sent it over behind her back—I told you it was a bad idea to let my parents get involved.”

“They asked me if I had a dress picked out! I wasn’t going to _lie_. Besides, I didn’t want to wear a dress anyway. They’re so uncomfortable.” A little pout was added for emphasis. “I had a lot to prove last year, Nico, but you know I’m a jeans girl at heart.”

“So…Christmas tree pantsuit is the next logical step.”

“I thought it was cute! And if it’s so different from the pink dress, maybe your parents won’t kill me?”

Nico shook her head, and cupped her cheek with a palm. “You’re adorable. And I promise my parents will have to get through me first before they can kill you.”

“My knight in shining armour,” Karolina grinned.

“Karolina, my darling, what _are_ you wearing?”

Karolina turned, instinctively sliding her hand along Nico’s waist and holding her at an intimate, yet respectful distance when a new voice joined them. Nico turned too, though not nearly as graceful when she nearly spilled her glass of water.

“Leslie, hi,” Nico said, mustering a polite smile. Though the past year had included a lot of opportunities for Nico to get to know her, something about the woman made it difficult to feel completely at ease in her presence. Everything about her was the antithesis of Karolina: constantly assessing, constantly calculating even the most unquantifiable things. Like love. Relationships. But Karolina was strong enough to invite her back into her life and rebuild all the things that their history had crumbled, and though the process was far from complete, she knew how much Karolina wanted to simply love her mother again. And how happy she was now that she had the chance. Even if she couldn’t foresee herself ever forgiving Leslie for the pain she’d caused, Nico would at least be civil. At least, she would try—for Karolina.

“I was just telling Karolina what a strange choice this was,” Nico said, nudging her arm slightly against Karolina’s to lighten the tension she inevitably felt whenever she stood in the same room as Leslie.

“Not you too, Mom,” Karolina said with an exaggerated roll of her eyes. “You don’t like my suit either?”

“Well, no, you look dashing, sweetie, really, it’s just…an interesting choice. Regardless, I would say I prefer this over the dress you wore last year. You should have seen some of the looks on people’s faces.”

Karolina flushed. She hadn’t noticed in the midst of everything else, but she certainly didn’t need even more reason to be embarrassed. Flashbacks of fixing the tape and constantly stressing about the state of her neckline among the family drama still haunted her a year later. She could only imagine what the these strangers saw.

Beside her, Nico looked absolutely horrified at the thought of her parents’ friends leering at her girlfriend, as if the possibility had never previously occurred to her. “Actually, babe,” she said, grasping her arm, “I love this suit. Wear it every year. Next year, we’ll get you a turtleneck.”

Leslie laughed, her eyes crinkling in a way that it never used to in Karolina’s memory. But this was good—this was genuine, and she couldn’t help but smile in response to the sound. “You two are adorable,” Leslie said. “Well, I just came by to say hello before the speeches start. I probably won’t see you two until dinner tonight.”

“Thanks, Mom. Good luck up there.”

“And congratulations for a very successful year, Mrs. Dean,” Nico added.

“Oh, the Foundation has its very capable volunteers to thank for that,” Leslie said with a wink in Karolina’s direction. “Enjoy the party, girls.”

Once Leslie was out of sight, Nico quietly tugged Karolina in for a quick kiss. “You, know, I’m very proud of you,” she said with a smile.

“What for?”

“Six months ago, you could barely talk to Leslie without doing that thing you do when you get in your head and forget you’re an amazing human deserving of everything good in this world. And now you’re practically spending every free afternoon at the youth hostel with her. And not losing it.”

A corner of Karolina’s lips quirked up in a sheepish smile. “We’ve come a long way in a year. Plus, I really like the kids there. It might be nice to get a full-time position after I graduate. Mom said she’d try to arrange an opportunity to shadow one of the counsellors.”

“You’d be perfect,” Nico said, leaning in for one more kiss. She was a breath away when a booming voice cut through room, shocking them apart and jolting their attention to the stage, where the same young, slightly frazzled man crossed the stage, welcoming the crowd to a sea of applause.

Nico took Karolina’s hand. “Shall we move a bit closer?”

“Let’s do that.”

As they wove through the crowd to stand front and centre, Robert and Tina both took the stage, smiling for the cameras and waving to the crowd. They welcomed the crowd warmly before welcoming Leslie onto the stage.

It was more or less the same as last year. Charts and figures and practiced words. The same charades the wealthy played, really, Nico mused. But they were all smiling. They were all different somehow. Happier, perhaps.

Even Tina seemed a bit more relaxed, her warmth toward Leslie a little more genuine after all the time their families spent together over the last seven months. Karolina said once that Leslie and Tina seemed to understand each other in a way no one else could. Perhaps it was the stubbornness, the reluctance to simplify and prioritize the love they felt inside. Nico had never thought of her mother as one with many true and genuine friends, but as she watched her mother drape her arm around Leslie, she was glad that she at least found someone who understood her.

She looked up now at Karolina, who watched the stage with rapt attention, eyes sparkling with pride. She laid her head against Karolina’s shoulder. Finding someone who understood her as wholly as Karolina did, who understood and chose to stay despite everything—she really couldn’t have been luckier.

* * *

_February, 14 months later._

Nico looked up from her phone and rubbed her eyes. She’d been on the damn thing for hours, going through her emails and communicating with her team about the possible new acquisition for Wizard. Once she’d been launched into this new opportunity in market research, she hadn’t taken a moment to stop to consider all the downsides of working so closely with her parents after all this time—she might run for the hills as soon as she allowed those thoughts to take the reins. But now she was done for the day, and she sat alone in their apartment. It was so…quiet. This far up, she couldn’t even hear the traffic down below. She hadn’t noticed that before. She hadn’t experienced this kind of quiet since…probably since she lived alone.

Nico used to love the quiet. The solitude, and the kind of serenity that came with a few moments alone. Well, at least it used to. Since they moved into their new apartment in early September, she hadn’t spent much time _being_ alone. And it was nice.

She drummed her fingers on her desk and looked up at the starry skies through their skylight. Who knew that the quiet could feel so…boring. And horribly oppressive. It reminded her of the dread she felt about her meeting with her mother tomorrow, and the stark fact that Karolina was out volunteering at a Valentine’s dance for the kids at the Hostel. On Valentine’s Day.

Her eyes wandered to the two dolls Karolina had made for her over a year ago now—her first Christmas present. They sat on her desk, leaning against each other, and she couldn’t help but smile as she brushed the Karolina doll’s hair with the back of her finger. She thought idly to the white guitar hanging in their bedroom—her gift to Karolina in exchange—so precious that it had been played exactly twice: Nico’s birthday and a spontaneous Friday night. Nico shook her head at the memory. She’d been so angry when Karolina had put her battered old guitar onto the highest shelf of their closet. “I’ll always love music, Nico—it brought me to you, so how can I not?” Karolina had said after they’d both simmered down. “I just…have other priorities now.”

Nico sighed. It seemed like the two of them always had priorities these days.

She rolled her chair backwards and went to the kitchen for a cup of rooibos. By habit, she pulled out two mugs and Karolina’s favourite leaves. However, the clock above the mantle told her it was only nine o’clock. She picked up Karolina’s favourite mug, pastel yellow with painted flowers that she’d made at their couple’s pottery class last year, and put it back in the cupboard with yet another sigh. She’d have to boil more water when Karolina came home.

The dance will probably tire her out.

When Karolina told her about the Valentine’s Day dance, Nico encouraged her to take part after seeing how excited she was. Though she missed Karolina terribly now, she didn’t regret her decision. After all, it was strange to realize she’d never even considered the _possibility_ of a queer friendly dance. Especially not when she was a teenager. She wondered briefly how having things like this could’ve changed the trajectory of her life. As she stood at the island, casually scrolling through her Instagram feed, she absently mused about the idea of her and Karolina attending one of these events. What if they met as teenagers? She wondered. She cringed slightly—she wasn’t sure the painfully shy fifteen-year-old Nico would’ve had the courage to even talk to a girl like Karolina. And Karolina would probably still be obnoxiously religious anyway, even if she probably would not be very loud about it.

Unless…

She tried to picture young Karolina with her personal little bible, waving it in young Nico’s face and telling her to repent her sins or something along those lines, and it would incite just the sort of rebellion Nico knew she secretly wouldn’t be able to resist. She imagined her teenaged self a little braver, a little more provocative, teasing Karolina and making her blush in all kinds of sinful ways. It would be too easy, and Karolina would be absolutely adorable.

Nico snorted at a video of a cat failing miserably at an obstacle course made from clear plastic wrap.

Of course, young Nico was far too oblivious to be so bold. Even if they met just four years ago, she would’ve been nose deep in her ambitions and fully immersed in her sister’s shadow. Karolina would be too…free and unwieldy. Unpredictable, and…unsuccessful, she realized with disgust. She’d turned down dates with law students at Harvard because she didn’t think they understood ambition and success the way she did, so a bartender and part-time musician with a checkered family history was definitely not the exact pedigree she was looking for.

To think that the foundations of her own ambition was crumbling from the start.

She absentmindedly glossed over a few pictures on her feed and cringed. No, she didn’t want to imagine a future where she was too arrogant and stupid to overlook Karolina.

They met when they were meant to have met, Nico concluded as she took a sip of her tea. Even if it was at Nico’s worst. Perhaps especially because it was at Nico’s worst.

Suddenly, the keypad outside beeped and the front door rattled open.

The kitchen and dining nook flowed into the living room through a broad, rectangular arch along the wall. Nico padded over to it and peered cautiously into the next room with her mug in hand. Just in case it was an unwanted intruder. Or, similarly, her father making excuses to drop off baked goods. “Karolina?”

At the front door, Karolina looked up from her shoes as she toed them off. She smiled as soon as their eyes met, and the visible joy lighting up her face upon seeing her never failed to make Nico’s heart race. “Hello, beautiful.”

Nico crossed the room in several quick steps, dropping off her cup of tea on the small table between their shared bowl of keys and Karolina’s little pot of aloe on the way. “You’re home early,” she said. She wrapped her arms around Karolina’s waist just as she had shrugged off her jacket, and buried her cheek into the softness of her sweater.

“Surprise.” Karolina grinned as she swooped in to return the embrace, crossing her arms around Nico’s back, lips finding their place on the soft skin of Nico’s earlobe.

She felt her smile against her skin, and Nico immediately understood. “You prepared a present too, didn’t you?” Nico grumbled as she pulled back to give Karolina her best version of an accusatory glare despite the excitement that fluttered inside. “After we said we weren’t celebrating. What happened to no presents, Karrie?”

She should’ve expected Karolina would try to pull a fast one on her, but the truth of the matter was that they’d both been so busy since the holidays that they’d hardly spent any time together. Christmas Day had been filled with family obligations, and though it was, admittedly, nice to be able to feel somewhat at home again in her parents house, Nico had been disappointed that neither had the time nor energy for a more _intimate_ celebration like the year before. The days after Christmas—because not everyone around the globe cared for the birth of a boy in a barn millennia ago—were filled with meetings her parents forced her to attend to get her acquainted with several major clients and other key players involved in keeping the company a well-oiled machine. Mostly, she watched and took notes while her father spent most of his time placating his wife, who oscillated between many faces ranging from stern to friendly, with a steady line of anger running through each one just below the surface.

Karolina was also preoccupied with the Pride Foundation, getting as many hours in as possible before classes began again, and secretly—though Nico knew better than anyone—it broke Karolina’s heart to see so many displaced youths yearning for community and family during a holiday that celebrated just that. She was going to do whatever it took to make things better for these kids. To make sure nobody would have to go through the trials she had. And Nico loved her all the more for that.

For two months, they’d fallen into bed exhausted. While she loved the adrenaline of work and ambition, and loved the domesticity of their new life, there were little things that she missed. Like putting on movies just to get wrapped up in each other. Morning sex. Taking baths together. Distracting each other while they pretended to work. Talking about their day until they fell asleep. Trying new recipes together. Complaining about their parents. Shopping together. Spending a full day together. When was the last time they’d spent a full day together?

When did all of these other priorities take over?

She hadn’t expected Valentine’s Day to be different as both of their schedules were equally packed. And it was a weeknight. They really should be in bed in forty-five minutes.

“It’s not a big present,” Karolina said over her shoulder as she disappeared into the kitchen. “But I did prepare something.”

Nico grabbed her mug and followed her inside. She took a seat on one of the barstools at their spacious island just as Karolina pulled something out of the fridge.

“How long have you been hiding this right under my nose?” Nico asked incredulously. “And how the hell do you manage to do this every time?” She added in a mumble.

Karolina chuckled. “I could have hidden your present right on your pillow and you wouldn’t notice.”

“That’s not true.”

Karolina rested her hands over the green Tupperware lid, an amused smile playing on her lips. “Nico, I love you and don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re very stuck on your routines, you know. You’re steady and stable—I get it and I love that about you—but you’re also pretty predictable.”

Nico frowned. “I am not predictable.”

“Well, not when we first met. You were, like, scary unpredictable. Babe, it’s okay, you don’t have to look so sad. It’s not like predictable means boring. Just means that I can count on you to never look at the top shelf in the fridge because you only ever look at two spaces: vegetable drawer and condiments. I could have stuffed a cake in there and you wouldn’t notice. One of those bachelorette party penis cakes?”

“That’s… not true,” Nico retorted lamely.

“I didn’t even cover this up that well. I just put it behind my almond milk. Look, it’s see-through,” Karolina laughed, holding up the glass container. She then peeled back the rubber lid and pushed the container across the marble counter. “Happy Valentine’s Day, Nico.”

Inside the container were six colourful macarons. Painted across the top row of three macarons was a beautiful picture of the two of them, bound together by a red string in the middle. The bottom row, written in beautiful chocolate script on dollops of cream, were three simple words: “I Love You”.

“Did you…make this? This is…this is so beautiful.” Nico shook her head. “No, no, you _definitely_ made this. The question is _when_? When did you have the time? You’ve been so busy.”

“I…may have pulled a few late nights in the kitchen for the past few days.”

“Karrie—I…this is so sweet, and I…didn’t…”

“Nico,” Karolina said, reaching across the counter to grasp her hand with a smile, “I didn’t make these because I wanted a present from you. I made this to remind you that you’re my favourite thing in the universe.”

“Karolina… I’m sorry, I—”

Karolina walked around the island to take Nico’s face into her hands. “Nico,” she repeated, boring into her eyes. “Don’t apologize. You give me so much every day. A couple of macarons isn’t much compared to that.” Her smile turned sheepish. “Maybe I should be the one who’s embarrassed.”

Nico shook her head and grabbed the hem of Karolina’s sweater, tugging her close enough to rest her forehead on her shoulder and take in her comforting scent. “You spoil me, Karolina.”

Karolina laughed and wrapped her arms around Nico’s shoulders. “Imagine your team’s surprise if they ever found out that the beautiful, fierce, Nico Minoru—the young prodigy and heir to the throne—would be so easily won over by a box of macarons. That cute little intern of yours would be baking every night.”

Nico pulled away. “Is that jealousy, I hear, Miss Dean?”

Karolina scoffed. “Of course not.”

“She’s, like, nineteen.”

“Yeah, but she follows you everywhere and she looks at you with the biggest puppy dog eyes. And—and, ugh, her hair is, like, glorious.”

“Kar, she’s supposed to follow me,” Nico said, biting down a smile at the frown on Karolina’s face. “That’s her job. Dana is my shadow. That’s why they call it that, babe.”

Karolina pouted. “I know it’s stupid, but I still don’t like the way she looks at you.”

Nico laughed and gently held her chin in her fingers. “Can I tell you a secret?”

“What?” Karolina asked, a tinge of pink embarrassment on her cheeks as she fiddled uncomfortably at the hem of her sleeve.

“Don’t tell anyone, but there’s a woman named Karolina Dean. I’m deeply in love with her, and she’s my only weakness.”

Karolina blinked, her smile slowly returning. “Oh. Good.”

“It is, isn’t it?” Nico chuckled. “Now, how about we take these beauties to the bedroom so I can thank you properly.” She paused, eyeing the macaroons on the marble island top mischievously. “Unless…you want to climb up here?”

Karolina flushed crimson to the very tip of her ears. “Will you ever stop teasing me about that night?”

Nico hopped off her stool and pressed herself against Karolina, her arms aching her in on either side. She kissed her jaw, pushing back until Karolina was flush against the island. “Who says I’m not being serious?”

“You know I was pretty drunk that day, you don’t have to—”

“Up,” Nico commanded. Karolina complied without another word. “Good girl.” Her fingertips danced along the tops of her jean-clad thighs, pushing them open slightly to fit herself snugly between them.

“But the macarons,” Karolina protested weakly as her zipper came down and her jeans came off, leaving her in just her sweater. Her flushed skin was cool against the marble, a sensation Karolina never fully factored into her fantasies. Her heart raced as Nico’s piercing eyes caught hers.

“Where are your manners, Karolina?” Nico said, looking up from between her knees with a smirk. “It’s savoury, then sweet. It wouldn’t be a proper meal otherwise.”

“R-right.”

Nico dropped the smirk, her features softening, as she brushed Karolina’s thigh with her thumb. “Relax, babe. I’ll take care of you.”

And she did.

She always did, despite what anyone else thought when they peered inside their relationship. There were times when Karolina wasn’t patient. Wasn’t kind—not to herself nor anyone else. On the hard days when she wanted to scream at the world—for the kids she saw everyday and the kid she wished she could’ve been. When resentment would build and she would crumble; when expectations overwhelmed her like towering white waves—Nico would take care of her. Would make her feel like she was the centre of the universe in a single look, a single smile. A single cup of tea on the end table when she could not stomach the world beyond the security of her blankets.

As Karolina later laid in bed that night, one hand propped below her head, she watched Nico nibble at the macaron painted with her own likeness. She was still naked beneath the blankets, where Karolina rested her hand on her thigh for so long that she’d almost forgotten that they were two separate entities. As she laid there soaking in every detail of this scene, she was once again hit with nostalgia, with a time where such a moment seemed so wholly impossible that she did not dare dream. Perhaps she never even had the words to dream. Ask she had were ghosts—fleeting fragments of this kind of happiness. Perhaps she never came close.

Not until she met Nico. She had come to realize, to her surprise, that the love songs got it wrong: it wasn’t that Nico completed her. She wasn’t incomplete. No, Nico had simply shown her the world in a new perspective, had challenged what she knew of it, and showed her what laid beyond her own limited imagination.

Nico made her feel like so much more than she ever thought she would be.

“Thank you,” Nico said softly into the quiet.

Karolina blinked, confused momentarily by the words that should’ve been coming from her own mouth. Not Nico’s.

Their eyes met, and Karolina’s breath caught a little. It surprised her too that over a year later, something as simple as eye contact could make her feel so…found.

“This,” Nico said, holding up her half-eaten macaron. “It’s delicious. Chocolate and passion fruit—it’s so…unexpected. A little sweet, a little tart, and just a tinge of bitter.”

“Just like you,” Karolina replied with a chuckle.

Nico rose a brow. “Bitter?”

“Unexpected.”

“You _just_ called be predictable like two hours ago,” Nico replied with a playful roll of her eyes. “Make up your mind, woman.”

Karolina laughed as she moved her hand from Nico’s thigh and perched it on her shoulder, where she extended an index finger to poke her in the cheek. “Yes, but you, me, us, everything we have and everything we are now—it’s all so unexpected, isn’t it? I mean, Nico, you make me so happy, you know that? You give me the kind of happiness I didn’t even know to expect, didn’t even know how to imagine. _I_ should be the one thanking you.”

“Jeez,” Nico mumbled into her treat. “You are such a sap sometimes.”

“But you love that about me,” Karolina laughed, brushing a stray strand of hair behind Nico’s ear.

“I mean, I don’t think I’ll ever find anybody else to get as mushy as you get about me. So…that’s nice. I don’t mind keeping you around.”

“Wow,” came Karolina’s bland reply. “So. Romantic.”

Nico stuck her tongue out and shoved the last bite of her macaron into Karolina’s mouth. “Shut up,” she murmured, flicking away her gaze in embarrassment.

Karolina chuckled, then swallowed the bite happily before leaning over to press a kiss to Nico’s lips. “Delicious,” she said into the breath of space between them. Her voice was low and the corner of her lips quirked in a self-satisfied grin. “If I do say so myself,” she added.

Nico leaned into the kiss, swiping her tongue across Karolina’s lower lip. She trailed her own kisses down to Karolina’s neck, and scraped her teeth gently against the exposed skin. “I’ll need a couple more bites to make sure.”

Karolina laughed, her chest vibrating as she laid back and allowed Nico to roll on top. “I’m all yours, babe.”

Nico lifted her head from Karolina’s neck for only a moment, her lopsided smile radiant with an almost child-like joy. “The best Valentine’s Day gift of all.”

* * *

_May, 17 months later._

It was a beautiful Sunday morning, and the park was buzzing with activity. Nico remembered an afternoon just like this one as she watched Old Lace sniff at a nearby tree. It was warmer today, compared to that cold winter day, and flowers were blooming everywhere.

Nico breathed in the spring air, vaguely wondering what Karolina was doing right now. She must’ve been in between classes, grabbing a cup of tea, perhaps, at her favourite café. The one that had the excellent vegan lemon cookies Karolina loved surprising her with. The flustered barista would probably try to win her over with a smile, and she’d be oblivious as she squinted at the selection of teas behind him or her.

Nico grinned. She is just so cute.

“—co. Hello? Earth to Nico.”

Nico flinched when a blur of a hand waved in her face. “What?” She replied grumpily, unhappy to have her imagination interrupted so abruptly.

“You were just standing around making weird faces again,” Gert said with a smirk. “You’re not thinking dirty thoughts, are you?”

“What? No!”

“Seriously?” Gert shook her head. “I finally get to spend an afternoon with you and you’re still thinking about Karolina.”

“W-who says I’m thinking about Karolina?”

“You’re _blushing_.”

Nico threw up her hands. “Okay, fine, I _was._ But it wasn’t dirty, you jerk. I was just…thinking about whether she’s buying tea right now. D-don’t look at me like that. This is normal, okay? Totally normal.”

Gert rolled her eyes and tugged Lace off the path toward an empty bench they’d just passed. “You two are disgusting,” she grumbled without looking at Nico. “I don’t even know why I asked. God forbid you guys ever chill.”

“Whatever,” Nico laughed, waving away Gert’s feigned disgust as she took a seat beside her. “You love us.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Gert pulled out an old tennis ball and tossed it across the grassy field, sending Old Lace darting after it like a rocket. “I take it everything is good with Karolina?”

“Yeah,” Nico said, leaning back to watch the clouds roll by above them. “We’re just busy. You? Cannes is coming up soon. Excited?”

Gert sucked in a breath between her teeth. “Yep. Next week, actually. It’s pretty crazy. We’re still kind of wrapping our heads around it. It just doesn’t feel real, y’know?”

“You deserve it, Gert.”

“Yeah, I don’t know,” Gert chuckled. “If we don’t win anything, at least we can hit a bigger market. I’m excited. But…”

“Gonna miss Chase?”

Gert nodded. “It’s gonna be weird. Two weeks without him. I don’t think we’ve ever been apart that long other than the time we broke up, and I think that only lasted, like, three weeks. Don’t tell him though—his ego already takes up most of our apartment.”

Nico pictured spending two weeks without Karolina, and instantly pushed the thought away. “At least that part of France is supposed to be beautiful. You can hit up Nice while you’re at it. Great museums.”

“Wait, are you telling me that you actually went sightseeing on your international benders?”

Nico cringed as memories of those two dark years floated up. “Not much to do when you’re constantly hungover, I guess. If I woke up at weird times I usually put myself on a train and pass out, or I go to museums. They calmed me down.”

“Jesus, Nico,” Gert said, nearly dropping the ball Old Lace just returned. “It’s a miracle you didn’t die out there.”

“I’m with you on that one,” Nico mumbled.

“Speaking of old times, Molly and I had dinner at Timely recently.”

Nico’s face immediately broke into a smile. “God, I fucking love Timely. Saved my goddamn life. It’s doing well, I hope.”

Gert’s expression was uncertain, and Nico felt a beat of foreboding deep in her stomach. “It’s doing alright. Just that the owner wants to retire soon. Might be selling it off if he can’t find someone to take care of things for him. I guess he never bothered hiring a manager. Doesn’t trust outsiders or something.”

Nico straightened up immediately. “What?”

Gert shrugged. “It’s just business, I guess. Sometimes, life just… moves on without us noticing. We had some good times there, didn’t we? Maybe that’s enough.”

“Y-yeah, but…they can’t. That place is—it’s everything, Gert!”

“Please don’t say you want to buy it,” Gert replied with a disapproving raise of her brow.

“I…I could…”

“You don’t know the first thing about running a restaurant, Nico.”

“Yeah, but…”

“Luckily,” Gert said, brightening up her smile and puffing out her chest, “Molly does. She’s been there for over two years now, and you know her—everyone loves her. She’s tough as nails too. She’s been talking to the owner about keeping Timely the way it is. She’s graduating soon, and she’s hoping the owner will train her and let her manage the place. That place is special to all of us, y’know? So, maybe Molly will keep it alive for us. And if the new owners change it, we’ll just… remember it the way it was.”

“Yeah sure,” Nico said distractedly. A long moment passed, and she turned to Gert with a fire in her eyes. Gert returned the look with a skeptical one, then shook her head and laughed.

“You still want to buy it out,” Gert said, throwing her hands in the air.

“Yeah, kinda. I mean, the opportunity is there,” Nico said with dreamy sort of smile. “I’ll talk to Karolina about it. My parents too. My dad knows people in the industry—we can help Molly.” Her eyes widened when yet another idea hit her. “Wouldn’t this be a great graduation present?”

“A _restaurant_? What kind of twenty-two-year-old gets a _restaurant_ for their graduation present? And not just any restaurant. A _sports bar_.”

Nico grinned. “A very special twenty-two-year-old. You can see it, can’t you? I bet Karolina would be willing to bust out that dusty guitar again for Molly.”

Old Lace padded back to them and looked up at Gert with her shining eyes, as if she too couldn’t believe what was unfolding on this park bench.

“You just miss that whole hot, folk singer vibe, don’t you?”

Nico laughed. “Definitely. I know she still loves music. She’s just…so busy that everything else sort of took over. She didn’t want the record deal,” Nico shrugged, “doesn’t want to make a career out of it—and I’m fine with that. As long as she’s happy, and she is.”

“You just miss being serenaded.”

“Maybe.” Nico lightly punched Gert in the shoulder. “But don’t tell anyone, or people will think I’m soft.”

“You know, there’s probably easier ways to get her to serenade you than buying out a whole bar.”

Nico rolled her eyes. “It’s not _just_ about Karolina. I think…I think it’ll be really meaningful, you know? At the very least, Molly won’t have to worry about finding a job.”

Gert chuckled and pressed her palm against Old Lace’s head. “You’re really something, you know that, Nico?” She said in a low voice. “You’re always running at something head-on, and nothing can stop you. It’s one of the things I admire most about you, Nico. You’re reckless as hell, but you always manage to make it work.”

“Hah. Sometimes.”

“You do,” Gert said with a scoff. “Because the thing you _hate_ disappointing us. Even at rock bottom. So, you always come through. Always. It’s why the rest of us can’t help but follow you to the ends of the earth.” 

“Oh, stop,” Nico laughed, giving her shoulder another nudge. “It’s gross when you get all serious and mushy on me.”

“Fine, you suck and Karolina is a saint and I don’t know why she puts up with you.”

Nico laughed. “Wow, harsh.” She turned her eyes back to the sky, slightly embarrassed as she said, “I’m very grateful, you know—for you and Karolina. And Chase and Molly too. For not giving up on me and stuff.”

“Yeah, I know,” Gert said, watching her dog roll around in the grass. “You’re easy to read. And you’re a big ol’ softie no matter what you tell people.”

“Oh, shut up. By the way, you still haven’t told me your itinerary. Maybe I’ll surprise Saint Karolina with a trip to France.”

“Maybe I didn’t want you to embarrass me in front of my people.”

“Wow. After everything we’ve been through, you ass,” Nico said, sighing dramatically. When Gert laughed, she shook her head and leaned back against the bench. The clouds were rolling quickly now as the breeze picked up.

“We’ve been through a lot, haven’t we?” Gert said wistfully.

“Too much.”

“Brunch?”

“Now?”

“Yeah, why not? You’re paying,” Gert said, standing up and stretching her arms above her head.

“What? Why?” Nico complained from her seat.

Gert put her hands on her hips, her brow raised as she faced her friend. “If Molly is getting a restaurant, then I could at least get a decent eggs benedict, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, alright, I can get you an eggs benedict.” Nico chuckled and stood up, dusting off her pants and giving Lace a pat on the head as they continued their walk around the park, knowing that eventually, they’d end up back in the parking lot. Full circle, like so many things in Nico’s life.

She watched as Gert jogged ahead after Old Lace when she got tangled up with a small dog in their path. She couldn’t help but smile when she remembered how scared she’d been back then. Back when Karolina felt like the beginning and the end of her world, and the other shoe—the catch, the ugly cost of a happy ending—loomed around every corner.

And maybe it’s still out there, that other shoe, but at least she could love now without holding her breath.

* * *

_Christmas Day, 3 years later._

Karolina took a deep breath as she faced her reflection in the bathroom mirror. Her makeup was done, her hair curled to painstaking perfection. Her blue eyes sparked with a combination of nerves and excitement.

This was it.

Karolina dug out the small, velvet box from her toiletries bag and wrapped her fingers around it tightly with a grin. It had been hiding in plain sight in her translucent pink bag, next to Nico’s matching purple. She hadn’t noticed a thing.

Karolina flipped up the box, her smile widening as the opal glittered it’s pink and blue hues atop the silver band.

“Karolina?” Karolina held her breath, slamming the box shut as she reflexively shoved the box into her jeans. She quickly rolled her chunky white turtleneck sweater over the top and smoothed it down with both hands. The box disappeared underneath, much to her relief.

Sadly, that didn’t lessen the pressure the box seemed to hang over her head. No, she felt it burn against her through the denim and her heart rate kick up several notches, especially as she envisioned Nico standing impatiently on the other side of the door with her hands on her hips.

With Robert’s help, Karolina had been setting the plan into motion for months now. Miraculously, he had convinced his wife and president of Wizard International to cancel the annual Christmas fundraiser and have a private celebration instead at the family villa. In Switzerland.

Never would Karolina have imagined herself here in Switzerland, surrounded by the awe-inspiring beauty of their own private mountains and sparkling lakes of vivid blue. With far too much on her mind to actually enjoy it. She might as well have searched up a picture on the Internet, because all she could see, hear, and breathe had been this very night.

It was going to be perfect. It had to be.

“Are you ready?” Nico’s voice filtered through the door, shaking Karolina from her reverie. After a pause, she added a worried, “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, just a minute. Just, um…making sure everything looks good. I guess. I’ll meet you downstairs,” she said hurriedly.

“I’m sure you look gorgeous, Kar—just relax. It’s just a casual family dinner,” Nico replied. Karolina smiled to herself when she pictured Nico’s dramatic eye roll. But little did Nico know that it was as far from a “casual family dinner” as it could be. It was going to be life-changing. At least…it was about to be. In a good way, Karolina hoped.

Unless these nerves murdered her in the bathroom first.

Karolina did not reply as Nico’s footsteps padded away. Her heart pounded so loudly she couldn’t help but wonder if Nico could hear it from the other side of the wall.

“Alright, you can do this, Karolina,” she whispered to herself. She pressed her palm against her sweater and felt the weight of the velvet box one last time. “You can do this.”

Downstairs, she found everyone in the living room, chatting and laughing with flutes of champagne in hand. Her eyes found Nico immediately, wearing dark jeans and a warm winter cape coat in muted plaid, lined with a graceful white trim. She looked so adorable that Karolina wanted to stride right over and squeeze her in a tight hug, but Tina was right beside her, brows furrowed as she spoke. They seemed more than a little preoccupied as Nico showed her something on her phone, their voices low and secretive. Karolina smiled at the sight nonetheless. A few months ago, they began working together on a new project at Wizard. Though Nico had been reluctant at first, coming home every night with smoke pouring out of her ears, the fraught alliance they made had grown into something more. Now, they were almost…friendly, and that was progress. It made Karolina happy to see that the heavy weight was finally being lifted, ounce by ounce, off Nico’s shoulders for good.

By the bookcase, Robert and Chase were discussing something with emphatic hand gestures, while Gert, Molly, and Leslie were all lounging around the comfortable brown sofas, chatting. Old Lace, who had her head on Gert’s lap, slept comfortably the entire time.

A beautiful evergreen stood tall in the corner, doused in layers of silver tinsel. Green and red fairy lights circled the room. Old family photos that had embarrassed Nico the night before filled the spacious mantle. A roaring fireplace completed the room and kept them all warm inside the luxury cabin, casting its warm glow across the furniture and onto all the smiling faces.

It was beautiful.

Karolina took it all in.

It was still so surreal that they were all here with her. That so much love could exist in the same room all at once.

Robert caught her eye from across the room and they exchanged conspiratorial smiles. Yes, they were all here for what was about to be one of the most important nights of Karolina’s life, and only two people in this room had a clue. Herself included.

There would be at least ten more minutes until dinner was served in the spacious dining room next door. And at least two more hours until they reach dessert—the moment of truth. There was nothing she could do until then but try to enjoy the night. She just had to figure out how.

And not ruin everything by overthinking.

Fortunately, she was soon accosted by her mother and found herself witnessing a civil but heated conversation between Leslie and Gert about God and Christmas and something along those lines for the next fifteen minutes.

At dinner, a hand snaked beneath the tablecloth and curled its fingers around Karolina’s.

“Are you alright?” Nico leaned in with a whisper as she passed the bread basket to her with her free hand. “Be honest with me, babe.”

“Uh, yeah,” Karolina whispered back. She peered briefly into the basket to note the disappointing lack of vegan options, then passed the basket to her mother beside her. “It’s just…big family dinner and all.”

Nico nodded slowly, gave her hand one more squeeze before withdrawing her hand to butter her roll. “Just let me know if you need some fresh air. I’ll go with you. You really don’t look so good.”

“Maybe it’s the jet lag,” Karolina responded with an uneasy smile.

“If you say so.”

Champagne and conversation was soon flowing freely—freer still as the courses came and went. All around her, laughter roared. Knives and forks clanked against porcelain plates. She responded on autopilot, smiling when appropriate while her thoughts buzzed busily in her ear. As the minutes ticked by, Karolina became more and more aware of the box digging uncomfortably into her hip. She took a big gulp of champagne.

Nico grabbed her glass when she went for another gulp. “Babe, no,” she said firmly. “Are you sure you’re okay? You’ve been acting weird all dinner. Maybe we could skip dessert and go back upstairs?”

“No!” Karolina cried, a little too loudly. She cleared her throat and mustered a smile. “I’m fine. Really.”

She looked around the table and saw the last scraps of the main course being pushed to the side and forks and knives laying silently on the side.

It was time.

“I’m going to go to the bathroom,” Karolina declared. She shot out of her chair and left the room before Nico could say anything.

But she didn’t go to the bathroom. Instead, she zipped through the living room and into the kitchen, where the caterers were beginning to clean up. There, on the counter, was her apple pie. Perfectly baked just that afternoon, having snuck out of bed while Nico napped away her jet lag.

She strode over to it quickly and flashed the head chef a grateful smile. From her pocket, she pulled out the ring, then nestled it into the plastic tab at the centre of the pie, so that it stood, shining under the warm yellow light. She took a moment to breathe, to catch her breath as she admired the pie. Surely, this would win her over like it had on their first night.

She bounced on her heels and stretched her legs. Several more breaths were taken, yet it still didn’t seem to be quite enough.

She regretted not bringing her guitar, but the thought of trekking one of her most precious belongings in the world across the planet made her nauseous. No, this is fine, she thought firmly. This is perfect. Meaningful. Simple.

Oh dear lord, was it too simple?

What if this wasn’t enough? What if she doesn’t say yes?

Karolina nearly dropped the pie in her hands as the thought hit her like a slap across the face. She shook her head and held it up bravely. This is fine, she told herself. It’ll be fine. One foot in front of the other and it will all be fine.

When Karolina returned to the dining room, the room was dark. She had previously asked Robert to dim the lighting, but she stood now in near-complete darkness. The white fairy lights that decorated this room twinkling uselessly around the perimeter.

Where was Robert? Did he make a mistake? Was there a blackout?

Her heart beat rapidly in her ears, already thinking desperately for a way to salvage this moment.

In the midst of her confusion, however, she did not notice how deathly quiet the room seemed to be. There was no laughter, no clinking dinnerware. Just…quiet.

Until the crack of a match burst into life, and a tiny ball of flame lit up at Karolina’s feet. She squinted at the flame, and quickly realized it was caged inside a wrought iron lantern. Another lit up, then another, then another. Shadows flickered against the spheres of orange light.

When her eyes finally adjusted, there was a circle of lanterns waiting for her. The dinner table was pushed to the side, its occupants all gone. She did not move, did not dare to breathe when the shadows moved and a figure stepped into the circle of light.

Karolina’s heart caught in her throat.

Because there was Nico, standing right in front of her, absolutely radiant beneath the candlelight. In her hands was an apple pie. Nearly identical, save for the heart shaped patterns encircling the centre.

Where a sparkling diamond ring awaited her.

Nico dropped her knee and held her apple pie above it with a smile.

“Nico,” Karolina gasped when all other coherent thought deserted her. She gripped her own pie tightly, afraid she would drop it if she fainted at this very second.

“I know you’ve been planning to do this for a very long time,” Nico confessed, a sheepish passing briefly through her expression. “Though it seems we coincidentally had the same idea with the pie. I…I hope you’ll forgive me for being the one to drop on my knee, but I…I’ve also been planning to do this for a very long time.” Nico held Karolina’s eyes as she spoke, but here, she looked away, took a breath to shake off the embarrassment, then found her eyes once more.

“You are…the love of my life, Karolina. These three and a half years, you’ve always been the one running after me—let me be the one chase you this time,” she said with a smile that melted Karolina’s heart. “I know that sometimes I can get complacent. Sometimes I can’t see everything you do for me. Sometimes I can be selfish, but you’ve always been there to soothe me, challenge me, take care of me. You’re the most thoughtful, beautiful soul I know, and you spoil me more than I deserve. Because of you, I know happiness that I never could have dreamt of. Because of you, I’m a better person every day. You are the greatest gift this universe has ever given me, and no matter what happens, no matter who we become, I will always love you. Even if someday my body and my memory fails, even if I can’t always say what I mean, I will always love you. Karolina Dean, light of my life, will you marry me?”

Karolina, whose own speech could not have been farther from her mind, searched Nico’s face with tears prickling in her eyes. It felt like a dream when only ten minutes ago, she had been standing in the kitchen staring at the ring in her pie, wondering if Nico would even accept it.

And now here she was, her eyes glittering and her nervous smile waiting patiently for _her._

“Yes,” she said, her voice coming out in a cracked whisper. She tried a little louder, but her throat was right the words didn’t come. She fell to her knees, and tried to steady her voice as she placed her own apple pie between them. Finally, she found her voice. “The first night you came over—I poured my heart out to a beautiful stranger who looked like I’d given her the world when I gave her a second slice of apple pie,” she said. “There was something about you, and I knew right there at the kitchen table that you were someone I could really fall in love with. And when you baked me that apple pie months later…”

“Oh god,” Nico snorted through her tears. “Let’s not talk about that. I’m _still_ embarrassed.”

“We’ve come a long way.” Karolina laughed quietly as she eased Nico’s pie out of her hands and placed it beside hers. She then picked up the opal ring, took Nico’s hand in her own. Watery blue eyes bore into chocolate pools as she slowly slid the ring onto Nico’s finger. “And I’ve been dreaming about this moment ever since that night.”

Nico touched the ring, almost absentmindedly. “Me too,” she whispered.

With trembling hands, she then slipped the diamond ring onto Karolina’s finger. Their hands held, one heart tugging them both into a kiss.

All around them, the lanterns glowed bright orange and voices leapt toward them in cheers and whoops. The lights soon came on, and they rose to their feet as everyone they loved surrounded them in big hugs and heart congratulations.

Robert, who had clearly been crying, wrapped both arms around Nico and Karolina. “My favourite girls,” he said, his voice rough with emotion.

“Jeez, Dad, you’re so embarrassing,” Nico laughed, hugging him back with one arm.

On her left, Gert came around with a light punch in the arm. “I can’t believe you kept this from me!” She cried, though her smile extinguished any anger she may have had. “You rascals. Both of you.”

“Yeah, you didn’t even tell _me_!” Molly chimed in.

“Probably because you can’t keep a secret, Mols,” Chase laughed.

“Sorry, guys,” Karolina said with a small shrug. “I wanted it to be a surprise.”

“If even their own mothers were kept in the dark,” Leslie sighed with a disappointed shake of her head. “Of course, I’m very happy for you, my darlings.”

“Sorry to disappoint you again, Leslie, but I’m afraid I knew,” Tina said from behind Karolina. Both Karolina and Robert spun around, eyes wide at the quiet smile on her lips. “What? You think I wouldn’t know? Information is my empire. Surely, you’d know that by now, Karolina” she said with a mischievous glint in her eye.

Karolina looked at Robert, who seemed equally baffled by this whole development.

Nico rolled her eyes. “Oh, c’mon, Mom,” she grumbled. “You’re ruining it.”

Tina raised her hands. “Alright, alright. Nico asked me to cancel the fundraiser shortly after Robert did, so obviously I was suspicious.”

“Then she annoyed me until I let her help.”

“I did not _annoy_ you,” Tina huffed. “I simply wanted to help. And I did, so a simple ‘thank you’ would suffice. We’ve been planning for months, you know.”

“Is that what you were talking so intensely about before dinner?” Robert asked, incredulous.

Nico flushed in embarrassment. “This was important,” she said simply.

“Sorry to interrupt, but these look delicious,” Chase cut in with a grin and an apple pie in each hand. “Who’s up for some dessert?”

Later that evening, Nico leaned against Karolina as they curled up in one of the brown leather couches in the living room. Empty paper plates were strewn around the log coffee table, and the fire crackled before them. Molly sat on the soft white rug with Old Lace’s square head in her lap, laughing at something Chase said. Karolina’s laughter vibrated against her, and though she’d missed the joke, she could not have felt more content.

On the other couch, Gert caught her eye. She was laying against the armrest, her legs draped across Chase’s lap. She too was smiling broadly. “Hey, Karolina,” Gert drawled in a sleepy sort of way. “Been a while since you serenaded us.”

Molly beamed. “Yes! Can you sing us a song, Karolina? Please?”

Nico could feel the heat of embarrassment rising from Karolina’s warm body, but she said nothing, hoping Karolina could agree. Instead, she sent Gert a grateful smile.

“Oh, I don’t know,” came Karolina’s reply. “It’s been a while, and I don’t have my guitar. I was too scared to bring it with me so far away, y’know?”

“You have a great voice, Kar. Just sing like you did at Timely last year! But, like, without the guitar.”

“That was a special occasion, Mols. Your inaugural night as official owner of Timely—it’s a big deal. I haven’t really played that much since…”

“Sitting by the fire with your favourite people in the world on your engagement night—also a big deal,” Chase supplied.

Karolina opened her mouth, but soon felt a slight tug at her sweater. She turned to find Nico looked up at her with sparkling brown eyes. “Please, Karrie.”

Karolina sighed. “Okay.”

Everyone fell into the quiet as Karolina closed her eyes, her fingers tapping lightly against the armrest. She hummed, a mix of short melodies under her breath as she searched for a song. Nico snuggled back into her shoulder. Her friends also got a little more comfortable.

The melodies soon stopped, and Nico looked down at her knee, where Karolina’s left hand clutched her right, her thumb stroking gently against her own. The diamond sparkled beautifully in the firelight, and Karolina’s gentle voice filled the room.

“At last,” she sang, pulling the note and pulling it into the heavens and back down to earth, “my love has come along. My lonely days are over and life is like a song.”

Nico closed her eyes—she remembered this song, and it took her all the way back to the first night they slow danced together in Timely, as if they were the last two people on earth.

“My heart was wrapped up in clovers—the night I looked at you.”

Nico remembered the night she’d been too afraid to go into Timely. The shame that had paralyzed her entire being, then turning around to meet the blue eyes that would change the course of her life forever. The blue eyes that stole her breath and ensured she’d never feel that shame again.

“I found a dream that I can speak to, a dream that I can call my own.”

The last three years rolled through Nico’s memory like it was her favourite movie. The ups and downs. Every night that she felt so in love she could burst. Every argument and every moment of forgiveness that made them stronger.

“Oh you smiled…you smiled—and then the spell was cast. Now here we are in heaven, for you are mine at last.”

A short round of applause followed. Molly clutched a pillow, dreamy-eyed, while Chase leaned over to give Gert a kiss.

“Thank you,” Gert said, a blissful smile on her face.

When Nico finally opened her eyes and stepped back into the real world, she found Karolina watching her. “Penny for your thoughts?” she asked gently.

Nico shook her head. “I’m just happy,” she said, snuggling closer into Karolina’s shoulder.

Karolina chuckled, then gingerly picked up Nico’s left hand with her free hand, where she pressed a quick kiss at the opal on her finger.

“I’m happy too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Thank you for sticking with me through all these chapters. This story meant a lot to me, and I hope you came to love it as much as I did. It's a bittersweet thing to finally let this story go, but I believe it's come to it's natural ending (if that sounds familiar to anyone, haha). 
> 
> What better song to end this story on than "At Last"? I love this song--it's one of the most romantic songs, in my opinion, and probably one of the few songs that I desperately wish is longer. In Karolina's acapella performance, I used Kina Grannis' cover for inspiration. 
> 
> If you liked this story, please leave a comment or drop me a message on Twitter @fireroastedmoo. I appreciate and love you all, and I hope that you too can find the happiness you're looking for.
> 
> I'll see you in the next story :)


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